See it with my eyes

Eyes shut

Standing on the platform with her eyes closed, Myriam concentrated on the noises around her. Someone was coughing. A phone was ringing. People were talking about the newest political development, which was drowned by the gong announcing the upcoming train.

Myriam breathed out. She tightened her grip around the white cane. Warm air rushed in from the tunnel. It brought a smell of metal and that stale, sweet tunnel air. Someone bumped into her arm, making her stumble half a step forward. Her glasses slid slightly down her nose.

“Can’t you see where …? Oh, sorry.”

By the cadence of the voice, it must have been a young man. Myriam turned toward him. With a smile on her lips, she pushed her glasses back in place.

“I’ll try to be more careful next time.”

“No, no. Are you all right? Are you going to take this train?”

“It’s the 7 towards Enkheim, right?”

“Yes, I’ll board as well. It’s not too crowded yet, but if you want, I can assist.”

“Well… Then I’m grateful for your assistance. Your arm?”

She lifted her left hand, while she still had her right hand wrapped around the handle of her cane. The fabric of the young man’s jacket was smooth and cold. Her eyelids twitched but she kept her eyes closed.

The train arrived, swirling her skirt around her legs. Involuntarily she grabbed the offered arm tighter. There was another announcement. People rushed out. Smells, movements, noises all blended. Myriam’s smile never wavered. She knew this. She could cope with this.

“We need to board now. Mind the gap.”

His voice now gentle, he guided her a few steps. Somebody brushed past her and a seat was offered. The young man made sure she sat down, before the train started to depart with a jolt. It caught her by surprise. Her glasses fell, hitting the floor with a clatter. Her eyes flew open.

Green

The alarm on her phone woke her up. Myriam’s hand fumbled to switch it off. Her head felt heavy. For a few moments she lay motionless. With her eyes closed she listened. There was her breathing and the pounding of her heart. Oli was clattering in the kitchen. The water was running in the shower.

She cracked open her eyes. Her room was still gloomy. The sunlight only found its way through the tiny gaps in the roller blinds. Her whole room was a landscape of greys and browns.

Immediately, the humming filled her head. Like a constant vibration. A purring cat in her brain. The other noises were drowned out almost completely.

She closed her eyes. Silence engulfed her.

Open. Humming.

Close. Silence.

Like a signal light, Myriam passed the time until her second alarm made her close her eyes again. By now, her head was pounding. With her eyes still pressed shut, she felt for the water bottle near her bed.

“Miri? Are you awake?”

Quickly, she gulped down the water, but Oli opened the door. She could see her room brighten through her closed eyes. Yet, the humming wasn’t audible.

“Ah, you are awake. You feeling better? Let me open the window.”

Never waiting for an answer, he passed her bed. The rattling noise of the shutter being drawn up made Myriam flinch. Shortly after, more light streamed into her room. With it came a soft breeze carrying the warm sent of a spring day. There was a subtle noise of the trees in front of the house moving. A gentle, calming rustling, befitting a bright day.

“You look horrible. How’s the headache?”

“Still there.”

“When’s your appointment?”

“At 9.45.”

“I can’t bring you. But Lina should be able. Let’s have some breakfast first.”

Slowly, Myriam opened her eyes. She stared at the white wall. There was no noise. When she turned her head, looking at Oli’s grey pullover and sweatpants, the humming returned. Quickly, she focused on the floor. But the humming changed its frequency. A higher pitch almost pierced her ears. Her gaze returned to Oli’s grey figure but there was no relief. Finally, her eye sought refuge at the wall again.

“Miri? Did you hear me?”

Without turning her head, staring only at the white space, she shook her head.

“I’ll get you the breakfast. Stay in bed.”

Myriam nodded. The moment Oli closed the door, a sob escaped her throat. The tears in her eyes spilt. Through her blurry vision, her T-shirt came into view.

Suddenly, her brain was filled with rustling. Leaves moving not in a breeze but being violently shaken by a storm. Frantically, her hands wiped away the tears. The moment her green shirt sharpened, the noise got even louder. A forest being torn apart by a storm.

She pressed her eyes shut.

Blue

“There is nothing wrong with you, Miss Zoltan. If you look here …”

The doctor’s voice droned on, but it wasn’t a match for the constant onslaught of humming and rustling which filled Myriam’s head. Focusing on breathing, she gave herself the push to stare at the white lab coat and the white polo shirt, which was visible underneath. The silence was immediately filled by the doctor’s voice.

“… further tests. That’s the only thing I can offer you at this moment.”

Not meeting his eyes, Myriam nodded.

“Where do I have to go for this?”

It didn’t matter what he had told her before. It didn’t matter what he would answer now. After three months of testing and running to different doctors and appointments, Myriam was exhausted.

“I will give you a list of other specialists. And of course, a referral letter. Do you …”

A colored stripe on the collar caught Myriam’s eye. The doctor’s voice was swallowed up. Instead, the swooshing of waves filled her brain. It could have been soothing. Then, a movement shifted her focus. His hand moved quickly. Letters carried the meaning. A function spoken words no longer served. The swooshing filled her head.

Her chest felt tight. She needed to listen to the doctor’s advice. Closing her eyes, everything went silent, except for Doctor Gabowitz’s voice.

“I will also ask Theresa to give you some pills. For anxiety and also for better sleep. Then …”

Opening the eyes again, her gaze was locked on the blue ballpoint pen. Without warning, the sound of waves crashed over her. Drowned her. She held her breath. Her gaze was fixed on the blue. Her vision grew blurry. The droning of an agitated sea engulfed her.

Red

The humming was constant but bearable. While she was scribbling down notes Myriam’s phone started to vibrate. Quickly, she turned it off, fished out a pill container and her bottle. It was a routine by now.

Suddenly, there was silence. Not the black or white silence she knew. Looking up, she saw the professor staring at her. His face was slightly blurred through the tinted lenses.

“We are inside.”

He pointed at her face. Myriam gulped down her medication. She sat up straight and turned toward the lecturer.

“It’s a medical necessity, I …”

“You can show me the documentation after the lecture. Now, take off your glasses. It’s quite disrespectful.”

Myriam hesitated. Students around her started to murmur. Her palms felt sweaty. She needed this module. With shaking fingers, she slid the glasses off her nose.

The loudspeaker in her head went off, the second her eyes could take in the colors around her. A cacophony of rustling, humming and swooshing sounds collapsed over her. Burying her with force. Only with great effort did she manage to lift her gaze. She tried to look at the professor. His mouth was moving. Nothing reached her ears. Then, her eyes caught on his pullover. Red filled her vision. The shrieking of seagulls filled her head. It wasn’t just a few. A whole colony had taken their nests in her brain. There was no space for any other sound. The red burnt her eyes. The shrieking tore her brain. Her stomach revolted, but she was frozen in place.

Yellow

A cold towel on her forehead woke Myriam. She fought the innate reflex of opening her eyes. Yet she knew immediately who was next to her. His breathing and gentle movements brought peace.

“Does this help?”

Her eyes firmly shut, a smile appeared on her lips while she pushed herself up. The towel slid off her and landed on her lap. Her eyelids twitched at the sudden wet sensation.

“Yes, a lot. But I’m awake now. Didn’t you have a lecture?”

“Lina is going to take notes for me.”

The wet towel was removed and warm fingers wrapped around hers. The smile widened and she turned her head.

“I’m really grateful, Oli.”

“Don’t say it in such a way. Of course I’ll help.”

“But…”

“No, don’t say it again. This is not pity. Not for me. Not for Lina. We’re family! Family by choice. So, we take care of each other.”

His voice had grown louder. Her eyes flew open, wanting to see his face. Instead, she stared at his T-shirt. A white T-shirt.

Tears filled her eyes as no noise entered her head. Instead, there was a weight on her hair. A broad hand stroking her while she cried.

“We will find a solution. And then we’ll make them find a cure.”

In between sobs she looked down. Even his grey sweatpants had been exchanged for black ones. Her tears left dark spots on the fabric.

“I don’t think there is…”

“Don’t throw in the towel. We do more research. I’m sure there are more like you. We do something like… the Ice-Bucket-Challenge. Raise awareness.”

Her smile returned. She sniffed. A giggle escaped her. She wiped her face with her sleeve and lifted her gaze again. His white T-shirt gave her mind some peace. The grey shadows of its creases only elicited a gentle hum. It was bearable, almost soothing. He shifted by a fraction. Something entered her field of view. Crackling of static electricity pushed out the soothing hum.

“Can you hear that?”

Her eyes were still on his chest. The stroking stopped and Oli turned his torso even further.

“No. What sound is it?”

His movement made the T-shirt move even more. The crackling filled her head. A dry lightning storm. No thunder but just electric pulses finding their way to the ground. A tiny bright yellow smiley face came into full view.

Automatically, Myriam’s hands shot up to cover her ears. But her eyes were fixed on the yellow patch. Immobilized by the sound she couldn’t manage to close her eyes. Instead, the crackling grew louder. Charging her brain with bright light.

Suddenly, her vision turned grey. The humming was back, subtle and bearable. Oli peeled her hands off her ears.

“It’s all right. I’m here. Breathe.”

Myriam managed to close her eyes, but the tears found their way out anyway. Hitching sobs shook her body. Oli never stopped stroking her back.

“Just, see it as a superpower. Like… hm… super hearing.”

“What a crappy superpower.”

She leaned into the support. Her eyes closed. Choosing to hear only his steady breathing and heartbeat.

Eyes wide open

The onslaught was violent. Myriam’s body was frozen in place. Her eyes drank up all color like a dry sponge. Her mouth opened in a silent cry. Her brain was filled. Overflowing.

Humming. Rustling. Swooshing. Shrieking. Crackling.

There was no room for thought. There was no power for action. It was all noise.