Before you wake up

Before You Wake Up

We sit side by side next to the hospital bed. Gracie stares off into space, her cheek resting in her palm, elbow on one of her crossed legs. My first thought is that she’s struggling to hold up the weight of the world, everything in her mind, but no, it’s the pain I’ve caused her- what I’ve done, that’s dragging her down.

The low beep… beep… beep gives my heart a raw ache, but also hope. Normally it beats so fast, but placing a hand over my chest, I feel nothing, just the ghost of it. I hold onto the sound of my sister’s heartbeat.

“I’m so sorry,” I tell Gracie. . Although, it doesn’t matter what I say, and that it was a mistake. It’s my fault. And Li-Li isn’t just my sister, she’s become hers as well. Half of Li-Li’s life, eight years, we’ve spent together. I look at her & away from Gracie, who can’t even look at me.

It’s not just seeing Lily in a hospital bed, unconscious, with a breathing tube in her nose. It’s that, how could I, of all people, cause such a bad accident? We lost both our mothers to the same one. Best friends just like us. I hope we still are. We became so close after the first accident, even with her being so much older than me, and Li-Li became our shared shadow. We moved in with Grace & her dad & got to spend every moment together. I started to really know my sister, who was more of a little kid to me before. The 11 years between us didn’t matter anymore, she was wise. The fact that our dads left, and our mom…. She’s had to be so strong, and I’m supposed to protect her.

“I’m so sorry, Kitty-Cat.” I say again, but to Li-Li. She looks even tinier in the hospital bed, but beautiful, with her raven hair & moonglow skin that matches ours. Grace is unrelated but somehow looks the same, like we were meant to be sisters. But Lily looks like a sleeping little angel. How could I ever put her in harm’s way? I know not to drive fast in the rain. It wasn’t her fault that she’d made me late. She just wanted to look pretty for picture day & didn’t know what to wear. She was sad the flower I’d picked for her hair had a broken stem, after I’d try to clip it in so impatiently. I didn’t let her pick another one. I put my hand over hers, and her face looks more peaceful. I’m so sorry.

My eyes get hot but I can’t cry. Why do I always let my anger get the best of me? I always say I’m sorry but I can never change. Sometimes I feel as if my sadness may simply take me from this world. I can’t bear it. After a few moments, I notice Grace is crying.

I reach for her hand. Her dark blue eyes look even darker now, and so stormy. If I can’t even form the words for Gracie I’m really going to have to think about what to say to Lily, before she wakes up.

“How could you do this,” Grace cries out, muffled behind her hands. She sobs, and I rub her back. I feel a shakiness in me now, an uncertainty. Guilt,

“She’s going to be okay,” I struggle to remember what the doctor said. I must still be in shock. Looking bad to my sister, she truly doesn’t look to hurt, not that it makes me feel less guilty. But she was in the back, in her booster seat. She’s big for her age so it’s not a heavy duty one, but it is the kind she’s supposed to have. I do wish I would have kept my truck, I can’t imagine us getting hurt in the thing. She was in the middle though, I’m worried about the sides of the sedan crumping in on us. Wait.

I look down at myself. No blood. I’m not in any pain. That makes me feel so much worse. I don’t remember what happened after the accident, it’s not even a blur, just not there…. I remember looking down at the scene… and now I remember struggling to maintain control of the car as it started to spin off the road. Seeing the tree. Watching it come towards me with nothing in between us but a car door. But I knew if I fought it I would make it worse for Lily. In that split second I just closed my eyes.

I watch my sister’s face. My own breathing stopped, her chest thankfully still rising & falling. I continue to hold my breath as the scratches & bruises come into focus. I just didn’t want to take them in before.

“Gracie?” I say out loud, confused, still looking at Li-Li. I want to ask her if the doctor said I have a concussion, and how I made it out without broken bones, but she’s crying.

“What will I do without you?” Her voice seeming to catch in her throat. My heart drops. She’s ending our friendship? I understand but I don’t know what I’d do without her either.

“You’re my sister too, we both need you. How can you just-” she buries her face in her palms again.

“Gracie?” I try to say but only a whisper escapes. Grasping my heart, I try to breathe. I wrap my arms around her. She doesn’t hug me back. The image of the scene, of looking down on it comes back. There’s a white sheet over the driver’s side.

I feel a small hand on my back. Turning, I find my baby sister looking up at me. I look back to the hospital bed. Somehow she’s still in it, heart-monitor beeping the same way, yet standing right in front of me.

“Sera!” She hugs me. I try to hold onto my tears as I hold her tight. “Don’t be sad. Hey, I found one that doesn’t have a broken stem. For you.” She hands me a beautiful white lily. It makes it so much harder to cry but somehow I keep the tears at bay. I want to cry actually but it feels like they aren’t there.

“Thank you, Kitty-Cat. I’m so sorry. About this morning. About everything. I never mean it.” She smiles so brightly. A happy little girl. Her curls bounce with her.

“It’s okay. I know! I promised I wouldn’t make you late to your college stuff but I did anyway. I’m sorry.” My heart wrenches. I couldn’t care less about that stuff now. I was more stressed than anything, I wasn’t even excited. I just felt burnt out already.

“Nooo, Kitty-Cat. I was a big meanie head.” Suddenly a doctor swings the door open, bringing me back from my heavy emotions. My ears start ringing while he’s talking to Gracie, and I feel dizzy, so I just look at Li-Li as she smiles gently & holds my hand, wise as ever. Once the doctor leaves Gracie jumps up & runs out the same door, but goes down a different hallway. We look to each other before following her.

She reaches a courtyard, where she stands looking up into pink blossoms in the trees, tears streaming down her face. I can’t give her the flower Li-Li gave to me so I watch the pink ones fall delicately in the wind, guiding three intact ones into Grace’s hands as she holds them out. She gives me a tiny, sad smile.

“You know,” she starts, looking down at the blossoms. “Seraphina refers to the fiery, six-winged angels, Seraphim….” Her eyes well. “You know how to maneuver a car out of an accident… but you knew it might flip. There was a chance for you but you gave it to our sis. I can’t be mad at you for that. I could have lost both of you. I’ll always miss you… but I’ll be strong for Lily, and for you.”

Everything gets very bright around me, the soft white still tinged from the pink flowers. I look around for my sisters.

“I want to come with you,” Li-Li tells me. “But Mom said I shouldn’t.” I get on my knees to give her the best hug I can muster. I hold her as tightly as I can.

“Before you wake up,” her eyes show a level of depth she shouldn’t have to feel so early in life. “Will you promise me something?”

“Yes, anything,” I answer without hesitation.

“You’ll be with us in the next life? We can all be together again. We’ll meet up at Home and choose a better story. At least you can be with Mom until then.” I wipe hers & my tears away.

“I promise Kitty-Cat.” I bring her into my arms again. “Promise me to tell Gracie something? I’ll always love you both and I’ll be your angel. We’ll meet again.” I give her another big squeeze.

“I promise. And I love you too.” She kisses my cheek… and then I wake up.

“You let the pain win, in the life. Let us teach you how to overcome it in the next.” I take in the beings of light, remembering home… and bow my head.