Happy Thanksgiving

Sam wanted to prepare Ashley for what he feared would almost definitely happen. But so far it’d been twenty minutes of driving without a single word, just a lot of coughs and sniffles. He wanted to tell Ashley that his mother was crazy and to just ignore her like he did, but he couldn’t shake the feeling those words made him sound like an asshole, and a big one at that. So after another ten minutes of nothing, he decided it was impossible and settled for something easier.

“I’m really excited,” he lied.

“Me too,” she lied back.

They had been dating for just over 2 and a half years, and in that time Sam had spent almost every Easter, five long-weekend lake trips, countless Sunday lunches after church, and a Christmas with Ashley’s parents and older sister. He loved them, and they loved him back.

Ashley on the other hand had met Sam’s parents twice, and for one of those Sam’s oldest sister, Margaret, happened to be in town for a high school reunion, so she’d kind of met Margaret once too. But that was about it. Ashley thought it was weird. It didn’t necessarily feel like Sam was avoiding his parents, but he never really mentioned them either. And if she did, Sam would just brush it off with, “Oh, they’re busy. Something with friends…” Were they celebrities? Kardashians? Or maybe it was worse. What if they were a family of murderers? Or Satanists even? Before today, Ashley always figured he was just scared of commitment or the likely chance of his mother busting out the baby pictures. But now her mind wandered to a darker place in the awkward stress of the long car ride. She thought back to a comment Sam once made about the health benefits of raw beef. Maybe he’d eaten some babies in his youth and now resented his parents for bringing him up in such a sinful manner. Maybe he was trying to protect her all these years from becoming Thanksgiving dinner. Maybe she was going crazy. One step at a time, she told herself. She was starting to spiral. Before this invitation, I was ready to leave him. One step at a time…

But while she worried about Sam and his potential relationship with the occult, Sam was mentally preparing to put out future fires. Or maybe I ought to gallop into the flames despite my impending doom, like a soldier on the front lines who knows he’s gonna die… he wondered. The idea of coming clean and turning the car around crossed his mind a few times, but that option was long gone. He was fucked either way. The two and half years he had to prepare her very quickly turned into just fifteen more minutes, and his sweaty palms almost slipped off the wheel on a sharp right turn. A car in the other lane honked as he drifted.

“You alright?” she worried aloud.

“Yeah, just peachy!” his voice almost cracked at the end.

“I’m really excited to meet your other sister.”

“Wha–?” he sounded surprised before catching himself. “Me too!”

Oh, shit! Now he was starting to panic. How could he have forgotten about Jessica? Despite spending the last three Thanksgivings with her in-laws, Bernard’s parents decided to spend this year’s on a cruise ship across the Mediterranean, sipping champagne and avoiding the weather that had now become too cold for them in their seventies. “This way we won’t fight over the thermostat,” Bernard’s father justified. But crashing waves during dinner sounded a little nicer than screaming babies too. So Jessica and Bernard packed their four very sweet, but very homeschooled children into the mini van and drove an hour up the interstate to see the very mother he wished he and Ashley could avoid. If his mother was gasoline, Jessica was the burning match: sure, his mother could make quite the mess, but put them together and it all went up in flames.

When his beaten-up silver RAV4 finally pulled into the driveway, the house at the top of the hill looked down on Sam like a disappointed parent wielding a belt. Almost nothing had happened, but he felt all the shame and disappointment he wasn’t allowed to show yet. He felt like an idiot, like a criminal who knew he was caught, his mind racing to everything he could’ve done better, everything he could’ve done instead.

Looking up at the big brick house, Ashley realized Sam hadn’t spoken a word since her bringing up Jessica, and now her palms were starting to sweat. What if Jessica was the murderous leader of their cannibal cult? But then Ashley remembered Margaret and started to feel guilty. Sam talked about his oldest sister with great respect and admiration. She’d been through a lot in her youth, toughing out a teen pregnancy and escaping an abusive husband with her baby all before the age of twenty-two. He never said it, but he didn’t have to: Margaret was his hero. In their roughly 30-minute introduction, Margaret never once seemed plagued by any sort of trauma, never seemed evil, and never stopped making her laugh. Sam said later it was some of the best half hours he’d ever had in his life. Maybe he’s never been a murderer. Maybe it’s just the baby pictures…

But Sam was about to explode.

“Look,” he finally said, and it made Ashley’s palms sweaty again. “I know this has been weird, but just know that whatever happens in there, I still love you, and I am not these people.”

“Sam, what’s about to happen?”

“I don’t know.”

They got out of the car and approached the door. At their feet Ashley noticed the doormat: “IF YOU’RE NOT RED YOU’RE DEAD”

Sam saw it too. “Oh jeez–not the doormat!” he complained. “Sorry already.”

His index finger reluctantly went for the doorbell, but Ashley stopped him just in time. “Ok Sam, I gotta ask now before I get eaten or something–”

“Wait, what?” and his head quickly turned to see if she was serious.

“Are you guys like a family of murderers or something?”

“Family of murderers–”

But just then, the door swung open and what seemed like way too many nieces and nephews for just two sisters to bear came pouring out the house. The half that didn’t run out into the yard with the football almost trampled Ashley on the way to hug their uncle.

“Hey, hey, hey!” he laughed. Ashley would’ve thought it was cute if she hadn’t been fearing for her life. “Don’t kill the pretty lady!”

And with that, Ashley’s mind cut to black and she dropped to pavement…

When she finally woke up on a couch with just about every member of Sam’s clan crouched around her, she jumped and covered her face. “No! No!” she cried. “Please, no!”

“Baby, baby,” Sam said. “Shh, shh, shh, it’s ok.”

He went to touch her shoulder, but she pushed away further into the corner of the couch. “No, please! Please don’t eat me!”

“Wait, what–?” Sam started to ask. Members of his family started sharing concerned glances. It may have been a warm day for late November, but clearly Ashley wasn’t having a hot flash. “Why do you keep saying that?” He tried reaching for her again, but this time she jumped over the armrest and right off the couch. Ashley realized she was now standing in Sam’s mother’s living room. She was in grave danger and needed to think quickly.

To Ashley’s right she could see the entry way to the dining. A butter knife twinkled from the long table already set to enjoy her tasty flesh. She took off for the knife and Sam went after her. When he finally caught up, she spun around and held the knife no more than six inches from Sam’s chest.

“Don’t come any closer, Sam–none of you come any closer!” she demanded. Tears were streaming down Ashley’s face.

“Ashley, can you please tell me what the hell is going on here?” Sam pleaded.

“I know about you–all of you.” She waved the butter knife at the small crowd forming around her. “I know about your sister. And your mom. And I know about the blood cult and the babies–”

Sam started feeling embarrassed as everyone watched. “Ashley, what are you talking–”

“I know that you used to be a murderer–that all of you are murderers! But no, you’re gonna eat me… no, I won’t fall victim to cannibals! You’re gonna let me walk out that door or I’m gonna start fucking stabbing people!”

There was a moment of silence, all eyes on Ashley, almost in awe. Who was this woman Sam brought to Thanksgiving?

Finally, Sam started to smile. He felt a small sense of relief. This was much easier to handle in comparison. “Baby, we’re not gonna eat you.”

“What?” she asked.

“We’re not gonna eat you. Or kill you for that matter,” he replied. “In fact, I love you.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, that’s why I invited you here. I wanted you to meet everyone.”

“But–but why did it take so long?”

“My last relationship moved too fast and it was a disaster. I wanted to be sure this time.”

But she still wasn’t convinced. “What about the doormat? And why haven’t you ever told me anything about Jessica or your mom?”

“The doormat?” Sam chuckled when we realized. “It says ‘IF YOU’RE NOT RED YOU’RE DEAD’ because Mom is stark conservative Republican–”

“God bless!” his mother chimed in.

“And like clockwork,” Sam continued, “I knew the politics would come up.”

“They always do!” Jessica shouted from behind her husband. “Jesus, Mom! See what you’ve done this time?”

“Oh please, Jessica,” Mom retorted. “Grow up already. It’s not all rainbows and sunshine you know. If you turned on the news for once and saw what was going on out there–”

“Oh, fuck you!” Jessica shouted, inching from around Bernard’s protection. Who he was protecting was up for debate.

Sam looked back at Ashley as the argument in the background ensued with more family getting in on the action. “And that’s why I don’t talk about my mother or Jessica. This tends to happen at these sorta things.”

And with that scene, Ashley’s heart and jaw fell to the floor as she witnessed what appeared to be a very normal family holiday argument, something she’d seen her own kin do a thousand times.

“Ashley? Are you ok?” Sam waved his hand in front of her blank eyes a few times to make sure she hadn’t frozen forever. “Look, I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I just assumed you would’ve assumed that I was secretly crazy or something too… I’m sorry…”

Her eyes finally found him and she remembered she was still holding a knife at her side. She let it go.

“I was wondering if you were ever gonna put that down,” he admitted.

“How can you ever forgive me?”

“Oh, baby,” he said. He reached for her one last time, but this time she fell into him like she hadn’t seen him in years, like the husband she once thought dead had finally returned from war. Relief consumed him. “I’ve already forgiven you.”

They held each other for a long moment as the familial chaos around them grew and grew. Sam even got hit in the head with a dinner roll meant for Jessica at one point, but an earthquake couldn’t have broken their embrace. Relief finally took her too.

“I’m sorry,” she finally said. “I’m so fucking sorry.” But he just squeezed her a little tighter. “You know, I really thought you guys were gonna eat me there for a minute.”

“Oh, please!” Sam laughed. “Eat you?”

“I know, right? I’m sorry, I’m clearly the crazy one here. I don’t know, I guess it was just the pressure of meeting everyone, I don’t know–”

“We could never eat you,” Sam insisted. “You're far too skinny!"

Ashley laughed with embarrassment. “Alright, alright, bring on the jokes. I know I won’t be living down this one for a while.”

“Plus, that’s what Tim’s here for.”

Her laughter was a little more nervous this time. “Tim?”

“Tim!” and then Sam took her hand and led her toward another part of the house.

Her heart started beating faster and faster as they wound through the long, dark hallways. But Tim’s just what they named the turkey, right? Or hey, this is a nice house, right? Maybe he’s their private chef. She decided she wasn’t going to be crazy anymore. She forced her mind elsewhere. Whatever Tim’s cooking it sure does smell yummy…

But as they approached the big swinging saloon doors that gate-kept the kitchen, Ashley could start to hear the muffled cries that crept from the other side and realized very quickly that Tim was not a chef. She stopped dead in her tracks, but it was too late. Sam pushed his way in, and what she saw through the now open frame she could never unsee:

A man she could only assume was Tim was hogtied and apple-gagged on the kitchen island, squirming for his life and praying for someone like Ashley to hear him while other members of Sam's family tried to hold him still. An older family member in a robe approached the island. Sam’s mother was there now and she watched and she smiled. The robed man whispered something to himself before raising a dagger above his head. The other members chanted something Ashley couldn’t understand. Sam was doing it too. Her heart and head raced, but time seemed to slow to a crawl, and Ashley fainted one last time.