Nobody Mentioned Alfred

Samantha Clay felt anxious that Christmas Eve. It was the first time her family was meeting her fiancé Oran. Or rather, she was worried Oran was meeting them.

Samantha loved spending time with her mum and her sister — and her kids. They only saw each other twice a year, so Christmas was always special to her. Her extended family would be there too, her auntie, grandpa and her brother-in-law. She loved them all.

Cousin Alfred would also be there. Just like every year before and every year to come. Always there.

She didn’t like him. She didn’t understand him. She didn’t know why he was always there and nobody had complained yet.

She was nervous about Oran meeting him. She feared he’d think there was something wrong with her too.

She shifted in her seat. The long glass table was already set up, a runner through the middle with bowls of dried nuts and olives. Her mum was cooking in the kitchen, the familiar smell of spiced meat and red wine filling the house. Her sister was talking about school while the twins chased each other around with Coco, the old Basset Hound, trailing behind them.

Her aunt Lola and Alfred hadn’t arrived yet. She wondered if maybe this year they wouldn’t make it. But she knew they’d show up any moment.

She quit smoking five months ago, but damn, she wanted a cigarette badly.

She had a sip of wine. Oran grabbed her hand.

“Relax, baby. Your family is lovely.” He smiled. “They can’t be crazier than mine.”

Oran’s mum was in a cult.

That was a high bar for crazy. Yet her family would still win the Is Your Family from Texas Chainsaw Massacre? game show. Not because they were crazy, but because they were weird.

Because of Alfred.

He was off. Not in a what-an-oddball kind of way. Everything about him was upsetting.

He was literally different.

***

Lisa wanted a drink really badly.

She fell into a heavy depressive episode after giving birth to the twins, which led her to the bottle and almost killed her.

Lisa missed being naked all day and not giving a fuck. But, to be fair, she was much happier now.

She’d been sober for 1,096 days, and every day was a fight against the urge to drown herself in alcohol. But so far, she’d been winning the battle, and she was proud of it.

Christmas Eve was always the hardest day for her addiction. Luckily, this year her sister Samantha had brought a new boyfriend, so the night might not be as boring.

They were sitting opposite them, Oran holding Samantha’s hand.

Cute.

“Samantha mentioned you’re a veterinarian. Working with animals, that’s lovely.” Lisa studied her future brother-in-law. “I wanted to work with horses, but this one—” she pointed at her husband with a thumb “—is half German, so he had to be efficient and knock me up on the first date.”

She burst out laughing.

“Lisa!” Samantha interjected, then turned to Oran. “Sorry, she’s got no filter.”

“Why would I need a filter, sis? He’s family. He must love us warts and all, right Oran?”

“German efficiency.” Oran smiled. “And yes, Lisa, I’m a veterinarian. I don’t work with horses though, mainly small domestic pets. Still, it’s a rewarding job.”

He’s boring. That’s good.

Lisa liked this one. Samantha had a terrible streak of boyfriends in the past, one worse than the next. Dumb assholes, broke assholes, violent assholes. But Oran seemed decent and smart. She was happy for her sister.

Her own husband, Jay, was one of the good ones too. Dumb as a door, but kind and gentle and a great father to the twins.

She ate an olive. Its bitter taste was the closest thing to alcohol she could have.

“Auntie Lola will be a bit late. She’s stuck buying lottery tickets for tonight’s draw,” her mum shouted from the kitchen.

Lisa was Lola’s favourite. She’d never said it out loud, but it was clear to everyone in the family. Maybe it was because she was the oldest, and Lola had always wanted a girl.

Instead, life gave her Alfred.

She didn’t really have strong feelings about Alfred, unlike Samantha, who was clearly awkward and uncomfortable around him. In rehab they taught her to accept people as they came, and cousin Alfred was just like that. There was nothing they could do about it.

She grabbed another olive.

He was family.

***

“Lola will be arriving soon,” her mum said, passing her the big entrée plate. “She’s been a bit more… sensitive lately. Please be kind.”

Samantha looked at the plate. Deviled eggs. Her favourite.

She looked around the kitchen. It seemed as if someone had purposefully destroyed it. She’d offered to help, but cleaning afterwards was part of her mum’s ritual.

“I love Lola. What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. Just be kind tonight, please.”

“Why does it always fall on me to keep a decent, normal dinner? It depends on him. It always does.”

Anger was already starting to boil within her, and Grandpa wasn’t even tipsy yet.

Her mother sighed.

“Please, Sam. Just be… nice tonight.”

Samantha turned and left the kitchen without arguing further. There was no point.

Her mum stayed still for a few seconds, alone in the kitchen. The usual Christmas excitement in her had turned into something quieter.

***

Samantha came back to the table holding a massive plate of hard-boiled eggs topped with yellow and red paste. Oran thought they smelled delicious.

She put the plate on the table and slumped aggressively into her chair.

“Everything okay?” Oran asked. He had started learning Samantha’s moods.

“Yes, don’t worry,” she replied without looking at him.

He had also learned not to push her.

Oran was very excited about this dinner and meeting Samantha’s family. He hadn’t been too lucky with girls growing up, and his ex-girlfriend cheated on him after three years together.

But Samantha honestly made him happy. She made him a better man. He truly saw himself with her ‘til death did them part. And starting off on a good note with her family was very important to him.

“My family will love you, babe. Don’t be nervous.”

They were having brunch at their favourite place, Brother Louis, just like every Sunday since they moved in together.

“I’m not nervous, Sam. You are.” He smiled widely, sipping his matcha latte.

“I know. It’s just… I don’t do well at those dinners with my whole family.”

“Haha, that’s what you’re worried about?” He held her hand. “Don’t be silly. I don’t do well with my family either. And I turned out okay, didn’t I?”

“You don’t understand.” She looked down at her feet. “You’ll see. Just… promise me you’ll still love me after dinner.”

“Babe, you know my family history. Unless yours are cannibals, they can’t be worse than mine.”

Samantha chugged her third glass of wine while Oran had one of the delicious eggs.

“Mmm, Mrs. Clay, these are fantastic!”

“Oh, you like them? I’m glad. Just don’t get full yet. Make sure you save space for the main course.”

“Good one. Keep scoring points with the mother-in-law.” Lisa winked from across the table.

He smiled back at her.

Coco started barking at the door and the twins yelled.

“Auntie Lola is here!”

“Finally,” Grandpa said. His first word since arriving.

“Mummy, can we sit near Alfred today?” the twins asked. “Pretty please!”

“You know you can’t. You’ll get all dirty, and that thing is impossible to get off your clothes.”

Okay, that’s weird.

Oran suddenly noticed the table setup. Everyone had a chair, plates, and silverware. One empty chair for Lola, he assumed.

And one empty space with no chair or plates.

On the floor sat a transparent plastic bag with a paper square taped in the middle. Like the puppy training pads he recommended to customers.

Uhm.

Lola came through the door. The thin, small woman lit up the room with her smile. The twins immediately ran to hug her, followed by Lisa and Samantha.

“My darlings, are you alright? You’ve grown so much since I last saw you! And Sam—” she stood up “—Show me that ring! My God, it’s the size of my husband’s heart before he died!”

Her laughter filled the room.

She gave massive hugs and kisses to Lisa and Jay, to Grandpa, and lastly turned to Oran.

“And this must be the lucky guy who charmed my Sam.”

She hugged him tightly, her bony body fragile against his.

“Nice to meet you! Sam always speaks very highly of her auntie.”

“He’s a delight. Well done, Sammy!” Lola winked at her.

Oran couldn’t stop smiling. Samantha’s family was everything he never had in his own. Warm, open, happy.

At the door, Coco had stopped barking and ran away as if something had scared him.

Out of the corner of his eye, Oran saw the figure slowly emerge.

His smile faded.

What the fuck?

Cousin Alfred.

***

“Is he drier? He looks drier,” Oran heard Lisa whisper to Jay while Grandpa grunted.

He couldn’t take his eyes off cousin Alfred.

Everyone greeted him casually, careful to keep their distance, but casually nonetheless. Everyone except Samantha, who barely acknowledged him.

Oran also noticed Mrs. Clay’s expression darken when Alfred entered, as if a thin translucent veil had fallen over her face.

“Relax.” Samantha gripped his arm hard enough to hurt. “It’s okay. Relax.”

Seeing the panic in her eyes forced him to calm down. Samantha was right. He wouldn’t have understood until he saw it himself.

“And you must be Oran! Welcome to the family!” Alfred’s entire body trembled as he laughed. “Good luck spending the rest of your life with that one. I hope you like feminists!”

His body made wet sounds as he laughed, but his voice was the most shocking part.

Gentle and sweet. Definitely not matching the mouth the words were coming from.

Was that even a mouth?

Samantha sighed at Alfred’s joke.

Nobody else laughed.

Grandpa grunted.

***

Lola slammed the brown paper bag with the McDonald’s logo in front of Alfred.

“I’m lovin’ it!”

His left eye dropped five centimetres lower than the right.

While the rest of the family had Mrs. Clay’s beef stew with mashed potatoes and veggies, Alfred had what looked like three Double Quarter Pounders.

The puppy training pad beneath him was already soaking through.

Oran looked around the table. All of them eating, drinking, and speaking normally. Even Samantha.

“Motherfuckers!” Alfred slammed a limb on the table.

Everyone startled except Lola.

“Language.”

“They added cheese to my burger. I asked for no cheese!”

“Just take it out.” Lola sounded exhausted. This had happened before.

“Cheese makes my tummy hurt.”

Samantha rolled her eyes. “That wouldn’t happen if you ate the same food as us. Food Mum made. But that would be too easy, right?”

“Leave it, Sam. It’s Christmas and he likes McDonald’s. I don’t take offence.” Mrs. Clay’s sweet voice cut through the tension.

Alfred proceeded to remove the cheese, soaking the burger entirely in pinkish goo. Then he pushed the whole thing into his “mouth.”

“I want McDonald’s too, mummy.”

“Me too!”

The twins fiddled with their food.

“You eat what’s on your plate or there’s no dessert.” Lisa pointed at them with her fork.

“Yes, kids. Eat your veggies. You don’t want to end up like me.”

Alfred shook with laughter, chips falling into the puddle beneath him.

Is that true? Was he normal at some point?

Oran’s head was starting to throb.

“So, you’re a vet?” Alfred asked while removing the cheese from his second burger.

“Uhm… yes. Yes, I’m a veterinarian. I own a small clinic in town.” Oran smiled awkwardly, trying to remain calm.

“Have you ever had to kill an animal?”

“Oh Jesus. Would you stop?” Samantha snapped.

“Sam, be kind. Please” Mrs. Clay joined.

“Sorry, Sam. I’m embarrassing you in front of your fiancé.” Alfred sounded genuinely apologetic. “I’m a bit nervous too. It’s usually just us family. I’m only joking around. You know how I am.”

“Just, stop it.” She sighed.

“It’s okay, Sam.” Then Oran turned back to Alfred. “I’ve had to euthanise many pets, yes. I wouldn’t consider that killing them though. That’s the worst part of my job.”

“Aww, he’s so sweet, Sammy,” Lisa said.

“Cats always hiss at me,” Alfred continued. “I wouldn’t mind euthanising some.”

He laughed again, then moved on to his third burger.

Samantha was shaking with contained rage while the rest of the family remained unfazed, finishing their meals and waiting for dessert.

Oran needed a drink.

***

Dinner continued as usual. Jay discussed football with Grandpa while Lisa and Mum dug for more information about Oran, and Lola kept excusing Alfred for not having a job.

“He tried interviewing for a couple of jobs, but things out there are difficult.” Lola grinned. “He wants to be a YouTuber. I heard they pay well.”

“YouTube? Really?” Samantha scoffed. Alfred had never had a real job. Never really tried to have one. He lived off Lola’s small pension and probably would until she died.

“Well, Sam,” Oran said, “it might work for him.”

He looked at Alfred’s shape, then back at Samantha.

“Thanks, Oran! This guy gets it!” Alfred sounded genuinely excited. “I’m getting into arts and crafts. I’m loving crochet. I think people would like to see that.”

His left eye slowly drifted back into place.

Right after dinner, while Mum and Auntie Lola prepared dessert, Alfred surprised everyone with something unexpected.

“I know presents aren’t until tomorrow morning, but I wanted to get ahead of Santa this year.”

He dragged a black bin bag into the living room.

“I’ve been watching loads of DIY videos on YouTube lately and thought I’d make you all some presents.”

He dropped the soaked, badly wrapped parcels onto the floor. One for each family member.

“Happy Christmas!”

“Aww, Alfred, that’s really kind of you.”

Lisa stepped forward to hug him, stopped halfway, then awkwardly smiled from a distance before picking up her present with a paper towel.

“Just please, don’t open it until you’re all heading back home.”

For the first time in her life, Samantha felt a small stab of empathy for her cousin.

“Nothing for you though, Jay and Oran.” Alfred laughed wetly. “A man giving presents to another man is gay as fuck.”

The empathy died almost instantly.

***

After dessert, Samantha said her goodbyes to everyone. As exhausting as these dinners were, she wouldn’t miss them for anything in the world.

They were spending Christmas Day with Oran’s family, which would be another exhausting battle to endure, so they headed home early.

She took Alfred’s present mostly out of respect for Auntie Lola. She did seem more sensitive that night.

Still, Samantha was also morbidly curious about what a present from Alfred would even look like.

It had started raining, and the winding road down the mountain was slowly disappearing beneath fog. The wine in Samantha’s system only made everything feel hazier.

“Well,” Oran finally said, eyes fixed on the road. “That was… interesting.”

Samantha laughed tiredly.

“Don’t get me wrong, I loved your family. But you were right about me meeting them. Especially Alfred. What’s up with him?”

“He’s always been like that.” She looked out the window. “Actually, tonight was better than usual.”

“Better?”

“Yeah.”

Samantha reached into the back seat for the present. The wrapping paper had dried stiff.

She tore it open.

Inside was a badly crocheted doll that vaguely resembled her. It wore what looked like a ballerina dress.

A folded card slipped onto her lap. The writing was barely legible, the paper wrinkled with damp spots.

“Oh,” Oran said softly. “That’s actually kind of nice.”

Samantha unfolded the note.

Sam,

Mum says I’m drying faster than expected, so I wanted to give you all your presents before it was too late.

I hope you like yours.

I remembered you liked ballet when you were little. You should smile and dance more. It’ll help with the wrinkles.

Sorry for making things awkward, but in fairness, you were always a dick too.

Alfred xoxo

Samantha had forgotten she ever liked ballet.

A knot formed in her throat.

She still didn’t like Alfred.

But maybe she understood now that she never really had to.

***

They all gathered again sooner than expected at Alfred’s funeral.

Auntie Lola looked devastated but strangely at peace.

Mum set freshly baked cupcakes onto the table.

Lisa and Jay sat with the twins, reading them a book.

Grandpa drank a beer while chatting to Oran.

Everything felt wrong to Samantha.

The gathering had been normal so far.

No shouting. No tension. No wet sounds. No puppy pads.

And somehow that felt weirder.

The twins looked up from their book.

“Mummy, can we get McDonald’s?”

Lisa opened her mouth to refuse, then stopped.

After a moment, she smiled.

“Fine.”

Nobody mentioned Alfred.

Grandpa grunted.