yellow butterflies

TW: mentions of substance abuse and recovery

My mommy is a superhero, and whenever she breathes out, she breathes out a giant cloud of gray smoke. Only superheroes can do that!

My mommy, she goes out some nights, and then comes home with a boy who she rescued when she went out on her adventures. Then, they go into her room and when I go in there in the morning, he’s gone.

“Mommy,” I ask, sitting on the corner of her bed, “where’s the boy you rescued?”

“He went back to his home, sweetie, and he’s now in safe hands,” she would say, her voice croaking like a frog’s.

I love my mommy.

**

Today, mommy went to the store with me. She stopped in an aisle full of medicine and then asked the lady at the table about a medicine that she needed. The lady kinda frowned and then showed her to a section where all the names were longer than me!

“Mommy?” I asked when we got into the car, my buckle was a little tight on my chest from when I pulled too hard.

“Yes, sweetie?” she said, coughing a little. She put a tissue to her mouth and then spit, the tissue becoming red. Red like a heart! A red heart for my mommy, who I love very much.

“Mommy, why, why, where are we going now?” I said, kicking my feet against my chair, watching my little legs bounce. I had unicorns on my leggings, and I was making them move. They were neighing, and their horns were swaying this way and that, and it was making me giggle.

“We’re going home, Char,” mommy replied, looking back at me through the car mirror. She smiled, the edge of her eyes crinkling like Christmas wrapping paper, and then looked back at the road.

“Okay!” I exclaimed, giggling harder because the unicorns were really silly!

“What are you laughing at, sweetie?” mommy asked, beeping a bit at the car in front of us because it ‘clearly didn’t pass the test’, according to mommy.

“The silly unicorns on my pants, mommy,” I laughed, pointing at them. “Aw, those look really funny,” she said, smiling again.

I really loved it when my mommy smiled.

**

Mommy is going out again tonight! I can’t wait! Whenever mommy goes out, I get to play whatever I want in my room. Tonight, I’m going to dress up like Rapunzel, or maybe Belle! Maybe Ariel, or maybe Snow White?

“Hey, mommy, I have a question.” I told mommy as she was putting on her big hoop earrings for her fun adventure. Her lips shined with a bright pink and her face glowed, and it was sparkly! I love sparkles.

“What is it, Char?” mommy replied.

“Who should I dress up as tonight?” I asked.

“What do you mean?”

“I want to dress up tonight, when you go out,”

“Oh?”

“Is that okay? I’m gonna be in my room and I pinky promise to clean it all up!”

“Well then, I think you should dress up as Ariel. I know you love mermaids, and maybe in the morning, we can watch The Little Mermaid?”

“Okay, that sounds really fun! You can go now, I want to show you what I look like when you come home!”

Mommy smiled, but her eyes didn’t crinkle.

“Hey, sweetie, tonight is gonna be a little different, okay?” she said, her voice shivering a little. She ran her hands down her dress, and took a deep breath.

“How different?” I wanted to know.

“Well, you won’t see me in the morning today, but mommy’s friend Rachel will be here, okay? Do you remember Rachel?” she said, bending down a little.

I didn’t remember Rachel, or maybe I did. But I had more important stuff to remember, like the fact that chocolate ice cream was much better than vanilla. But mommy liked vanilla, so I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

“Also, side note, how do I look?” mommy asked, as if she didn’t already know the answer.

“You look amazing fantastic awesome wonderful!” I shouted, ran to her and hugged her. She laughed a little and then sighed. Her soft hands rubbed my back, and then I let go of her, beaming just like the sun.

“Aw, thanks. Okay, well, mommy loves you a lot, like, a lot, and I want you to always remember that, okay?” mommy whispered. I smiled and then nodded.

“I love you too mommy!”

**

I spun around in my Ariel dress, and sang high notes that mommy said I was best at. I checked the time on my clock next to my bed. Woah, 8:31! “I need to go ahead and shower, then get PJ’s, then read a book, and then go to bed! We don't have time for this sort of stuff, Charlotte Cox!” I exclaimed, running to my closet to take off the costume and put on some nighttime clothes.

I lathered the coconut-smelling shampoo into my hair and rinsed it out, closing my eyes to make sure the soap duds didn’t get into my eyes.

I hummed the tune to my favorite TV show intro, and then dried off with a towel. I slid on my pull-up, the one with Peppa Pig dancing on it, and then put on my Paw Patrol PJ’s.

As I turned my light off and my Hello Kitty nightlight on, I thought about who Rachel really was. Mommy doesn’t have friends over a lot, because they’re always busy, so seeing one of her friends would be so special!

I grabbed my favorite book of my bookshelf and then settled into bed. I sang myself my songs, and then kissed my fingers, which touched my forehead.

My eyes slowly closed, and I yawned and stretched as I fell asleep.

Just another night without mommy.

Sometimes, I wished that mommy would stay and sing to me, read to me, and kiss my forehead, but she’s too busy being a superhero, so it’s okay!

I dreamed about mommy, rescuing the boys while wearing a superhero cape, and I dreamed about Rachel coming into my house riding on rainbow unicorn.

I love unicorns!

**

I woke up and checked the time on my clock. 7:14, just a minute before wake-up time! I giggled and hugged my unicorn stuffed animal.

“Mommy!” I exclaimed as I got up, waving my arms around. I started to frown when I remembered that mommy wouldn’t be here today.

“Rachel?” I said instead, opening my door and peeking out. I saw a random lady sitting on our couch, her face glued to her phone. Mommy does that sometimes, holding up the red tissue to somebody she talks to. I think her name is Doctor something?

“Oh, Charlotte, you’re up,” she said in a flat voice. Huh. Mommy always called me Char or Charlie. Not Charlotte. So why was Rachel calling me Charlotte?

“My name’s not Charlotte, Rachel,” I said, tugging on my unicorn.

“Aw, what is it? Lindsey, er, your mommy told me that it was Charlotte,” Rachel said, putting her phone down and cracking her fingers.

“No. Mommy calls me Char or Charlie. Charlotte is what teachers and other mommies call me. So, you can call me Charlotte if you want, but I really really like Charlie.” I told her, staring at the floor.

“Well, Charlie, what do you want for breakfast?” Rachel asked, getting up and heading towards the kitchen.

“I usually have some cereal,” I said, pointing to the cereal cabinet. We just had Cheerios, and sometimes we didn’t always have milk, but today we did, so I asked for milk with my Cheerios.

Rachel looked at me while I chomped on my Cheerios.

“Whatcha looking at, Rachel?” I asked her, looking up from my spoon with three Cheerios on it.

“Nothing. You’re just really pretty, Charlie. Just like your mommy.”

Rachel’s face looked a little sad for a second, and then she took a big breath, and her shoulders shook.

“Hey, Rachel, do you like unicorns?” I asked her as she began to pour herself her own bowl of yummy Cheerios. She smiled at me, her eyes crinkling just like mommy’s.

“Yes, I do like unicorns. Do you like unicorns?” she asked me, obviously not seeing the rainbow unicorn in my lap. My mouth hung open, and a little bit of milk dribbled down my chin. Rachel laughed and I giggled as I wiped up my chin with my napkin she had given me, almost reading my mind that I would need one.

“Of course I love unicorns, Rachel! My favorites are the rainbow ones, what is your favorite?” I said to her, finishing up the last little bit of my Cheerios.

“Well, I like unicorns with wings,” she replied, laughing a little.

I smiled and then got up and walked to the sink where I poured the last bit of my milk out, but I wasn’t too sure if I should. Sometimes, mommy tells me to save all my milk and pour it back in the carton, but Rachel didn’t say anything so I think I’m okay.

You know, I’m beginning to really love Rachel.

**

“Hey, Rachel?” I asked when we were coloring in a Disney princess book she had brought with her, just in case I wanted to color.

“What, Charlie?” she said, coloring Ariel’s mermaid tail green.

“Will my mommy be back tomorrow?”

“I… uh, I’m going to be staying with you for a while, okay?”

“Wait.. w-why? Mommy needs to be with me, is mommy okay?”

“Your mommy is okay, she just needed some time to be by herself.”

“Am I being too annoying? I try my best to be a good girl, I really do, Rachel, I-”

“I know you do, Charlie. But your mommy has just been feeling a little sad lately, so she needed to go to get some help, okay?”

“What kind of help? Does she need a hug?”

“Yeah, sort of, she just needs a really big, long hug,”

“I’m good at giving big long hugs…”

“I know you are. Hey, mommy’s gonna be okay, alright?”

“How do you know that?”

“Just trust me, okay, Charlie?”

“Okay. I just want mommy to feel better.”

I was starting to feel tears in my eyes, and mommy always says that it’s good to cry, so a few tears dropped down my face, making my chin damp. I was still in my Paw Patrol PJ’s, but Rachel hadn’t told me to change yet.

Rachel’s face was getting a little sad, too. She was sniffling, like how I do when all the pollen comes out in the spring time.

“Rachel, my mommy always says that it’s okay to cry,” I told her as I tried my best to color inside the lines of Rapunzel.

Rachel looked at me, her eyes a little glassy. A tear dropped down from her eyes, just like mine did. “Hey, Charlie, can I get a big, long hug?” she asked, as if she didn’t already know the answer.

I love giving big, long hugs.

**

After a few days and nights of Rachel, I got used to not seeing mommy. It was almost like Rachel was my new mommy, but I still really missed my real mommy.

I didn’t ask as much as I used to, though. I knew the answer by now. Mommy was coming home whenever she was ready. She might not be ready for a while.

I put on my butterfly t-shirt and then my jeans with hearts in their pockets. Today, Rachel and I are going to the park.

Sometimes, at this time of year, at the park there are a lot of pretty butterflies on the flowers. The flowers bloom and then swish and sway in the wind.

I know mommy is somewhere else, but I keep wondering if I can also see her in a butterfly?

Rachel knows a lot of things, so when we were walking down, my hand in hers, I asked her.

“Hey, Rachel?” I asked, bed I asked, bending down for a bit to pick up a pebble.

“Yeah?” she responded.

“Is mommy a butterfly?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know how you said I was pretty, just like mommy, and the butterflies are pretty, so is mommy a butterfly?”

“Huh. Well, your mommy did always like butterflies. I don’t know, Charlie, maybe. That’s a fun thing to believe, yeah?”

“I think it’s real. Just like Santa and the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny, who I know love me even if they don’t always give me presents,”

“I.. I love you, Charlie,”

“Really?!”

“Yes, Charlie!”

Rachel started laughing, and then I giggled along with her. We made it to the park, and then a whole bunch of butterflies flew up from the flowers.

Blues, oranges, yellows, purples, pinks.

Mommy’s favorite color was yellow, yellow like the sun and yellow like a monarch. There were lots of monarch butterflies at the park!

I love the yellow butterflies. I think mommy is a yellow butterfly!

**

After we played for an hour or so, we walked home. On the way back, Rachel asked me all sorts of questions.

She asked me who my favorite superhero was. I said mommy, as if I didn’t know the answer already.

She asked me what my favorite book is, as if she didn’t know that already.

That night, Rachel sang to me and read my favorite book and then kissed my forehead. Her lips were soft against my forehead. I giggled a little and then my eyes fluttered closed.

That night, I dreamed about yellow butterflies and about mommy coming home.

In my dream, she was flying around, but there were no boys, no funny waters, no gray smoke.

There were just butterflies.