Dot's Here.

Dot’s here.

I was ten when I first saw Dot. The very tall, young Dot was new to my neighborhood and we grew up together. She was deviant and rebellious. She always did what she wanted and she did things exactly when she wanted. Dot would come and go as she pleased. For instance, Dot stopped by my house when she had nothing better to do with herself and she wanted to just be with me. She could always find something to do, but she did knock on my door just wanted to make her presence known and Dot became a bit clingy at certain times especially when she had not seen me for a while. She must have wanted to see what I was up to. I answered, but I was not happy.

“How about this lovely, sunny weather. Want to go somewhere Tia?”

“Actually, I feel sick. My lower belly hurts and I just want to stay here.”

“Well, the sun will make you feel better. Come on. See where life takes us. Go with the Flow, Tia. I’m going to cry if you don’t.”

So I thought to myself maybe she was right and still feeling ill, I pushed myself to go outside with Dot. She would do that and cramped my style. Dot always pushed me into something I did not want to do at the moment, but surprisingly I might end up glad I let her talk me into doing whatever she wanted us to do.

My parents knew about her and her inconsiderate ways. They had heard rumors from other neighbors that Dot was trouble. She purposely knocked over trash cans or sometimes would yell “Fire” at midnight. They thought she was incredibly inconsiderate.

“You might want to stop playing with that girl. She even pushed you against the wall. Get her to calm down or tell her to go home.”

“I can’t do that dad. I just can’t.”

“Don’t be scared of her. Take a chill pill.”

Dot annoyed me but she still gave me attention when other kids were too busy to play. Somehow I felt better knowing she was nearby. She came around on my birthday, holidays, weddings and even saw me at school. Even though Dot got on my nerves and annoyed me a little, it meant a lot that she was there. I did feel her presence. She was available. Oh yes, imagine that feeling when someone stares at your every move. That was just Dot’s style. When I felt she could just show up, I mentally prepared. I told myself that she means well.

I was a happy child and people told me that I was always smiling. Even as a teen and a young adult, I put on a nice big smile so that people would assume I am happy all of the time. In reality there was hidden anger and irritability behind that smile. I could not explain it, I was just simply angry and I did not know why. I did not want to show that side of me. No one was allowed to see my anger. Not even those closest to me. As an adult, after I had my daughter, I had post partum rage and I made a huge dent in my bedroom wall by throwing a high velocity fan at that wall leaving off-white paint chips on the floor and the fan’s blades were mangled inside by my force. I was a little mad.

“Tia, this fan looks different? Weren’t the blades metal instead of black?” My husband quizzed me as I reached for the baby bottle to feed our daughter. Before he came home from work, I quickly covered the dent with a picture and I chucked the ruined fan in the dumpster which I bought a new fan. I smiled and said.

“No, it was always like that.”

“Oh. Okay. How was your day?”

Back to Dot, we have a strange relationship even this day. She has always been a constant in my life throughout my childhood and my adulthood. Everyone knew she was not the greatest for me, but they all said nothing about her presence and we stayed friends. Thinking back to our childhood, Dot was actually never truly kind to me and she would blame me for things, too. One time I was about twelve years old and I was sitting on the school bus and then I saw her running for the bus, her hair was disheveled. Dot screamed “I’m a bloody mess today! I’m late! It’s all your fault Tia!” The bus driver looked annoyed.

I thought maybe it was my fault that she was late. Did I tell her something shocking that kept her up last night? What did I do? How was it my fault? I let her scream, I felt chagrin, but I let it roll off my back. At that moment, I saw Dot for who she really was...a monster. When she sat next to me on the bus, she punched me in the gut which made me throw up in my lunch bag and then tears filled my eyes.

With the intense pain and my clouded judgment from that pain and embarrassment, I yelled back which I never did. I would secretly throw things, but I would not yell. This time I did.

“You act like you own me, but you don’t own me! Leave me alone!”

“Fine. I will.” Even though the bus was moving, she went to the very back of the bus. I felt much better and the pain was gone.

The bus driver yelled back “Pipe down kids. It isn’t that serious”

It was serious and we avoided each other all day at school. I was sick of her ways.

After school, I went home. The house was mine. My parents were still at work. I made a cup of tea and I turned on my soaps while I started my homework. I love the drama! Would the seductress Alisandrea be ‘noveau riche’ Hudson’s new wife or would the schemer Becka find out she has a secret daughter with a Prince Xenos of Monoco? Whatever the story, it was background noise and eventually I needed to be rid of my own villain...Dot! How would I do it? At twelve, I did not know how to other than mumble that she would be gone under my breath. Spoiler alert, at the age of thirty-six, she is still in my life.

Listen, sometimes, throughout the years, when Dot had something important to do she would leave me alone. When she was not there, I became me again, just me. I had a good night’s sleep and I was ready for work or on the weekend’s I took a good long walk in the park. I felt excellent like no one was concerned with what I was doing and I was my own boss. I was me!

Being in sales, I met my wonderful husband on a business trip in our early thirties. (Before that, I did not date as much or care to date. I figured one day I would meet someone.) Ken was handsome and funny. He was the one. Dot did not meet him until our wedding and she whined about the wedding cake not being chocolate. She absolutely loved chocolate cake. “This cake sucks! It’s boring like you! I guess ya finally caught your fish in this big sea. Does he have a brother for me?”

I did not answer Dot. My new husband and I went back to dancing and mingling with family. Next thing I knew, Dot left. I felt happy she was gone. In fact, a few months later, when I found out I was pregnant, Dot disappeared. I was excited, but a little disappointed that I did not get to share the news with her. She was there for so many things in my life and I may have even missed Dot. Where did she go? Weeks after our daughter was born, she appeared at my door and gushed at how much my baby looked like me.

“Those are your chubby, rosy cheeks. She looks just like you! Much prettier though”

“Gee Thanks. Dot where did you go?” I asked her feeling kind of heavy. I wanted her around, but then I did not want her to bother me. I was confused.

“Don’t worry your pretty little head. You know me. I come and go. I’m never too far.”

“Whatever you say Dot.” I knew she would always come back. At times, she was and is constant, but she can still be elusive. Dot can’t be pinned down unless she feels she wants to be. So I might ask where she went, but I do not pressure her and I let her fly.

Sometimes when Dot goes away, I feel a little sad and I go alone to the small urban forest in the park while Ken is at home with our baby. I realize Dot is just like a deep green forest. She has a wild, untamed quality that I could not possess. She is a wildflower. Even though she may scream at me or blame me for what she did, she has helped me through so much in my life. I am grateful to Dot!

Then I laugh to myself, thinking that maybe Dot can somehow hear me when I say.

“Dot, wherever you are, look at those tall trees. Oh, that one looks just like you, but the tree looks prettier, of course. I’m funny like you now. I wish you would show up. I’m having a hard time without you broad. Can’t call ya. You never pick up the phone. You come around when you want. Until next time, my friend!”

Then I had a strong thought that Dot might say “Hey, I’m not dead yet? Yeah, Yeah I’m tall like a tree. That’s not even funny. You are a weird talking to yourself in the forest.” Maybe it was a bit of telepathy on my part or maybe I am out of my tree. I am just going to go with the flow or even ride with the tide.

Just then I heard a shout “I’m back you little mood swing! You missed me?” Dot suddenly appeared in the lot near the path to the forest in her torch red corvette and yelling out the window. She was wearing all bright red even down to her sandals.

“Dot’s here!”

“You’re corny a woman! Oh, My bff come here and give me a hug!”

Just like that, Dot seemingly dropped everything and even though I did not ask somehow she knew to come back when I needed her. She was my reset and a just like a deep green forest, Dot gave me space and in that space, I saw hope and fresh possibilities that I could be the best version of me. When she did her own thing, I met my husband, I had a baby and did my own thing. That is how our friendship has survived all of these years. We may not see each other everyday, but Dot can still very much embarrass me when she sees fit and I take the embarrassment like a pro. Even as a kid, I was not sure about her, but now I am used to having Dot around.

I say it again with a grin. “She’s back. Dot is here!”

Dot always had to have the last word so she sang. “Damn right, I’m here! Now that’s get out of this forest, you little nut!”