When One Door Closes

It was early evening. Not yet dark. A calm, slightly cool evening. Hints of autumn on display in the fading of the vibrant green that had shone from the trees all summer in the bright sunlight. Now, just a bit duller. Dusk was coming sooner, too. Days were getting shorter…

She was sitting quietly, as usual. Watching the street from her bedroom window. The window closed now to keep the cooler air out. She noticed a crack in the glass and began to worry that it might start to grow if the wind blew against it. She took a shallow breath and stopped herself from thinking too much about that right now.

Then she saw him…He was out for his walk. Right on time…the digital clock on her cell phone switched to 5:46 as she looked down. The dog was always walking him instead of the other way around. She smiled, just a hint, as she thought a little more about a dog walking its owner…Wait! What was going on? She snapped out of her pleasant thought when she saw a woman with a small white dog at her side walking toward the man.

The woman, dressed for the cooler weather, wore ankle-length jogger pants, and a taupe-coloured sweater. Her dark hair pulled up from the sides of her pretty face and held in place with a large white hair clip.

From her window, she could see that both dogs were taking notice of each other and caught herself pressing her face intensely against the window to see whether the owners were doing the same. Much to her dismay, she thought they were.

She held her breath, hoping that if she did, this scene she was witnessing would not play out in the way her mind was now actively creating it to do so.

The exchange was brief. A quick smile of acknowledgement from him, and a bigger, toothy grin from the woman.

A bit of fog showed up on the window as Mary sighed a deep breath of relief.

She turned from the window and returned her gaze toward the T.V. screen hanging on the wall across the room. Judge Judy was on. It was a re-run. Mary recognized the Plaintiff and the Defendant and knew she had seen this episode before. She could not remember how Judy ruled though so she settled in to watch it, as she reached to grab more potato chips from the family-size bag that she opened about an hour previously, deciding it would be a good snack before any attempt at making dinner.

She enjoyed Judge Judy. It was her guilty pleasure. She agreed with Judy in most cases that came before her. Occasionally she did not though.

It was almost 9:00 p.m. when she glanced down at her phone. She wondered how three hours had gone by and she still had not got up from her chair as she ran her fingers across the bottom of the chip bag to secure any last crumbs.

“Oh well, maybe tomorrow” she said the familiar line to herself. She wondered to herself how many tomorrows had gone by since she first recited that phrase?

“I’ll do it tomorrow” said in response to cleaning the house or going for a walk. Or “Oh, it’s too late now, I’ll start tomorrow” said in response to beginning a new diet plan after consuming a pint of ice cream.

The doctor had told her when he visited her last that it would be good if she started to practice getting out of her chair and walking down the hallway to the front door. She could even try opening it if she felt up to it. “How long had it been since he visited” she thought about it for awhile. More than a few days but less than a month, she figured, give or take a week.

Tomorrow was it though. She would do it tomorrow…

She stood at the front door of her small house. It had been a while since she had opened that door. The last time was to let somebody in, not to go out.

She started to feel the familiar feelings in her body…her stomach was in knots and her chest felt heavy and tight, and her heart was racing. She was almost certain this time for sure it was a heart attack. Should she call the ambulance?

At the same moment that she thought about the ambulance she also turned away from the door and let out a gasp as she released her captured breath, forgetting once again to breathe through the fear.

“Holding your breath doesn’t make bad feelings go away” Mary recalled her therapist telling her during one of their sessions. “In fact, breathing in and out, and taking deep, cleansing breaths could help manage the anxiety that begins to well up in your body when you witness something that is not in your control.”

She had learned that her mind hijacked her body in those circumstances and left her paralyzed with fear. Oh, how she had begged for that demon of fear to stop coming around.

She had prayed, meditated, walked, ran, ate, did jumping jacks, tapped her body, shook her body, journalled, listed her triggers, withdrew, scolded herself…

She had talked with a counsellor, her Priest, her friends, her partner, her kids, her sister, “Please tell me what is wrong with me? Why do I get so afraid”?

She knew the acronym for F.E.A.R. – False Expectations Appearing Real.

She finally gave up, and let the fear take over, crippling her mind, and keeping her locked in her house for the past year.

“You win!” she admitted defeat to her captor. The mind games it played with her were unrelenting so best to remove all threats from her life, which unfortunately left her alone and afraid, rather than only afraid.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomo…

She was not sure how many tomorrows had gone by as she once again stared at her front door. She remembered to take a breath in through her nose and count 1-2-3-4. She held it at the top and counted 1-2-3-4, then slowly released the held breath from her mouth, counting again 1-2-3-4.

Her hand was now gripping the doorknob as she started to turn it to the right, then the left to unlock the button pressed in lock position. “Click!” she heard it release as her hand easily turned the knob all the way to unlatch the tongue of the lock from its groove. All she needed to do now was pull the door toward her.

She let out a sigh, which reminded her to take a breath once again, in through the nose 1-2-3-4…Hold at the top 1-2-3-4…release through the mouth 1-2-3-4…

The door was open now. The air was warmer now. The trees were a vibrant green, and the sun was still high in the sky even though it was dinner time. She stepped across the threshold and breathed in the fragrant air. She did not want to stop taking it in…the oxygen was flowing into her belly and chest, and circulating into her mind…FREEDOM or FEARDOM? Was it really her choice? Who was in charge of her mind?

“ME” the announcement was assertive and before she could attempt talking back to that familiar voice, which was prompting her to turn around and go back inside, she looked up to see a large dog barrelling toward her, pulling its owner behind it.

She smiled as she thought about the humour of a dog taking their owner for a walk.

The owner was now in front of her panting a bit like a dog would, which made her smile even more. The owner smiled back as he stopped and pulled his dog back, asserting control over his four-legged friend.

She looked up at him and took one more deep breath asserting control over the voice in her head.

“Have we met before?” he asked her with a hint of hopeful recognition showing on his handsome face.

“I don’t think so” she said as she released her grip on the door handle, feeling the freedom that came with letting go.

The End…or The Beginning...