The Garfield Township War

The Garfield Township War

Joley Masters bought a one-story house in October of 2024. None of her friends and family believed she could maintain a home. Certainly not by herself. The popular opinion was that she would concoct a scheme to buy this house, start fixing it up, and then flake after six months. During that time, she intended to prove them wrong. She decided not only to fix up the place and live there long-term, but also to have the best-looking house on the block. Unfortunately, her neighbor had other ideas.

Twelve months had passed, and the guy across the street had been competing with her for who knows why. Maybe he wants the asshole-of-the-year award or is trying to get her to sell the house. The funny thing is, he’s the one who sold it to her.

Ring Ring Ring

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this Joley Masters?” the snooty voice on the other end said.

“Who is asking?”

“Mrs. Masters, we have had some complain…”

“It’s Miss. Miss Masters.”

“Right, Miss…Masters. This is Colleen Witaca of the Garfield Council. I run the neighborhood organizations, oversee the HOAs, and handle ordinance complaints. There have been some against you. Your house is not up to code. We have been made aware that you painted the trim pink.

“You can’t have a pink house? So, all this time Barbie lied to me? It was all bullshit?”

“Miss Masters, according to rules, you are permitted white, yellow, brown, or red trim in that neighborhood.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“That’s the law. You have thirty days to repaint to meet ordinance standards, or you’ll be fined in the amount of two hundred dollars per day until it is repainted. Any questions?”

“Yeah, who is gonna tell Barbie they are gonna fine her up the a-hole for a pink house?”

“Goodbye, Miss Masters.”

“Well, ain't this great? Joley said aloud. “I spent seventy-two dollars on vibe-pink paint to match the Barbie dream house, and someone has a problem with expressive femininity. I bet it's that dick across the street.”

The next weekend, Joley borrowed her father’s ladder and repainted her four front, two side, and three rear windows, a hazy shade of brown to meet the ordinance. As she painted, she watched her neighbor across the street, Jim Jameson, realtor extraordinaire, try not to obviously look at her ass as she lay flat up the ladder.

Jim did sell her the house. He also appeared friendly in the first month of her residency. However, he took great pride in having the best, most extravagant Christmas decorations in the entire Garfield neighborhood. Families from all around town would drive by and take pictures until Joley moved in that fall and started a war.

In December of 2024, Joley attempted to recreate that Lampoonie light show from that movie everyone loves and stapled 800 lights across her roof. Jim only had one string of lights on his roof. He spent most of his time putting up those multicolored spotlights that displayed different Christmas images on his pristinely kept white ranch home. Not only were they the most expensive, almost 3D-like light shows, but he also put up a full nativity scene display on his lawn, featuring sculpted, lifelike mannequins.

That is when the Garfield Township war began. Jim felt she purposely made her display more exotic, so in January, he had a porch put on his ranch home to raise the curb appeal and have something obviously more expensive than what Joley had.

In February, Joley had a porch put on, using more expensive wood.

When Jim drove home the night the porch went up, he yelled across the street at Joley, who was completing inspections of the new porch. “Very nice. Very not passive-aggressive.”

“Yeah!” Joely yelled back. “I thought the neighborhood would appreciate someone putting real money into their home and not whatever you did to that ancient ranch.”

“It’s a modern ranch, and it was built in 2022.”

“You sold me this house, Jim. You’re the one who told me mine was a new 2023 build. I win.”

Joely walked up her new staircase and slammed the door.

So, it continued. In February, Jim put in new windows. In March, Joley installed a multi-pane bay window in the living room. In April, Jim bought a car, which filled him with pride—a 2024 orange off-road-ready Jeep-type with thick-treaded tires and all-wheel drive. In May, Joley bought a 2025 bright green off-road-ready Jeep-type with bigger tires, a front-end winch, roll bars, and a lift kit.

For the rest of the year, the two competed to outdo each other. There were landscapes done on both houses (Jim put more money into his lawn), new gutters put in (Joely got the leaf-shield kind), huge TVs carried into both living rooms (Jim got the 96-inch, Joely’s topped out at 84-inches), and a slew of other minor skirmishes.

Finally, in September, Jim painted his windows yellow, which takes us to October and the Barbie pink attempt to outdo. Only this time, someone intervened.

November rolled around, and neither party did anything. Joley went down to the Garfield Township office at noon and bribed the kid behind the desk into telling her who made the repeated complaints on her pink trim.

“Some guy, a realtor, I think. The name says James John Jameson,” the now fifty-dollar-richer clerk said.

“Son of a bitch. I knew it. Thanks, kid. I am gonna ream that guy so hard he is gonna consider selling his own damn house.”

Joley drove her Jeep-ish car home and saw that Jim hadn’t come home yet. She sat on her porch in the cold November winds and waited. Finally, at 3:33 PM, Jim drove up.

He cautiously got out of his car and braced for impact as Joely stormed across the street.

“Did you fucking report me to the Township? You have a problem with female empowerment? Always competing and always outdoing. What’s your problem?”

“Look, do you want to get a coffee?”

“Sure. We could’ve saved so much money if you had just asked a year ago.”

“I am shy, I guess.”

“I get that. I’m not one for big gestures.”

The two had coffee and crumb cake at the Conley Café down the street. This December, they are planning on doing the same theme: one big display of Christmas decorations. Jim also painted his windows brown, and next spring, he is selling his house and moving in with Joley. She is inviting all of the friends and family who said she was going to flake, for a lovely holiday party.