It Wasn't Even the Kraken

Argos. Final resting place of the Kraken.

The immaculate beast, a marauder of the depths known for reducing ships to splinters, now lies only as a carcass of stone upon the seabed. Its monolithic fate was sealed by Perseus, the only mortal said to possess the secret of its demise.

This knowledge was not his own.

It was gained through an encounter with the Graeae Sisters. History would call them Stygian Witches.

They revealed to him the means of harnessing the stony stare of Medusa–an exchange that would ripple far beyond the death of a sea beast, reaching even into the echoes of myth itself.

What followed would be recorded in history as heroism.

What it actually was… well, that depends on who you ask.

— — — — —

Pemphredo awoke with her eye tangled in her hair and immediately reached for a cigarette. She discovered someone had stolen her lighter. Again. She inserted a cigarette into her nostril and blew a shower of sparks until it caught.

“For Zeus’s sake, Pemmy! You are an all-knowing, divine soothsayer, yet you just can’t keep track of a lighter can you?”

“I’m really not in the mood today, Enyo. I’m already late to open the salon, and you say the same thing every morning. Where’s Deino?”

Enyo huffed. “I’m not her keeper any more than I’m yours. She left this morning mumbling about the wrong name…or the same name… or naming…” Enyo trailed off.

“You most definitely are my keeper,” Pemphredo retorted. “Why, here you are right now keeping me from enjoying life.”

Enyo ignored her. “Hand me an eye, Pemmy!”

“I would think you could keep track of your own eye.”

Enyo cleared her throat and pointed to the eye tangled in Pemphredo’s hair.

“Unlike you, I like to keep a spare eye so I don’t get caught in embarrassing predicaments. Like that time you flo…”

“Alright! Here’s your Zeus forsaken eyeball.”

The two sisters spent the morning bickering like eight-thousand-year-olds. They eventually made their way over to the salon side of the cave.

Pemphredo flipped the sign outside from “STAY AWAY” to “WELCOME TO WASH THE GRAEAE AWAY SALON.”

The words “by appointment only” had been scratched out and replaced with “walk-ins welcome.”

“Alright,” Enyo said, “I have three appointments today. Deino has two. You have an utterly impressive one, Pemmy!”

“Um…Yes?” Pemphredo agreed.

“I would just think you could manage to book more than one Hydra perm in a day?”

“What in the name of Hades, Enyo? When was the last time you worked on nine heads at the same time, let alone poisonous ones? All you ever book are Centaur pedicures. How long does it take to polish a horse hoof, you horse’s a…”

The bell above the door cut Pemphredo off.

It was Deino. Across her face stretched a smile so wide it nearly hid the stack of legal documents clutched to her chest.

“Well, well, well,” Pemphredo greeted Deino. “Look what the Sphinx dragged in?”

“I’m terribly sorry, I can see we are just bursting with business today!”

Deino turned a quick circle.

“There, caught up.”

“Well? Where have you been?” Pemphredo asked.

“Court.” Deino popped out her eye and began polishing it on her shirt.

“You have to be joking,” Pemphredo said, “you’re still writing appeals?”

“Yeah,” Enyo joined in. “It’s been six hundred years!”

“Six hundred and twelve.” Deino corrected.

“Good Gods, Deino. The judge turned into a tree two centuries ago,” Enyo said.

“ENOUGH, you two. This time I submitted new evidence. It’s going to be different. I guarantee it.”

Enyo couldn’t hold back.

“Ooooh, a guarantee! Like when you guaranteed that there wouldn’t be any fallout from telling Perseus how to kill the Kraken? Like when you guaranteed that nobody would care that we snitched about Medusa? Or maybe when you guaranteed that you and Perseus had a strictly platonic relationship?”

“So?” Deino blushed.

“The entire Cephalopod community blacklisted us. We couldn’t shop at the Underworld Market or even cross the Styx for our 950th high school reunion. To say nothing of you and Perseus. Maybe he wouldn’t have felt so free to walk into our cave that day if you hadn’t given him your demure eye!”

“Cetus,” Deino said.

“Huh?”

“Perseus didn’t kill the Kraken. It was Cetus.”

“Holy Hades! Who cares?” Enyo erupted.

“I do.”

Deino folded her arms.

“The court will, too.”

Pemphredo agreed. “It’s true, Enyo, semantics do matter. Remember when you put a spell on your boyfriend and used the wrong word. Didn’t his ears fall off?

“Oh, shut it, Pemmy! You two are both out of line. In case you have forgotten, I was the one that brought in respectable clients. Aphrodite? Hera? Artemis? They came for my love potions and hexes. You all couldn’t even do a simple bikini wax on the Sirens!”

Enyo continued, “And anyway, you all were more than willing to rat out Medusa.”

“Not this again! She was a disgruntled employee!” Pemphredo piped up.

“SHE was our sister.” Deino fired back.

Pemphredo rolled her eye. “AND a disgruntled employee. She couldn’t get any appointments because nobody wanted to close their eyes the whole time. She hardly ever showed up, and when she did she turned our clients to stone.”

Nobody could disagree with this point, so for the first time that morning there was no arguing.

“Well?” Enyo finally asked. “Are you gonna tell us what happened in court or what?”

“Not on your life!”

“What about Pemmy's life?” Enyo placed her bony hand and jagged nails around Pemphredo’s throat.

All three sisters cackled with delight, prompting Deino to pull out a letter.

RE: THE STYGIAN WITCHES VS PERSEUS: MOTION OF APPEAL

After centuries of litigation, the court finds the following:

Perseus illegally entered the residence of the Stygian Witches and used coercion to extract information regarding Medusa.

The Stygian Witches were not directly involved in the murder of Medusa.

Newly recovered remains have been identified by the Oracle Forensic Division as Cetus, rendering all prior “Kraken” classifications inadmissible.

The Stygian Witches are hereby restored to the Divine Witch and Sorcery Registry with full client rights.

Perseus is ordered to provide restitution for loss and reputational damage.

The three sisters looked at each other in silence.

A very brief silence.

“So, it really wasn’t even the Kraken. You just don’t give up do you?” Pemphredo added.

“No,” Deino said. “I don’t.”

Nobody argued.

The bell on the door rang.

“I have a scroll for the Graeae Sisters.” the stranger spoke.

“Witches.” Pemphredo corrected automatically. “Stygian Witches.”

A silence followed as she read.

Enyo chewed her nails and swallowed them.

Deino did not move.

She already knew that look.

“I told you it mattered.” Deino said softly.

Nobody laughed.

Pemphredo looked up. Slowly. “It says we won.”

A pause.

“We’ve been assigned new cross-cultural jurisdiction.”

A tear slipped from Enyo’s eye.

“We're back,” she whispered.

The sisters gathered around the scroll.

“We have a new client.”

Enyo straightened.

“We’re going to Scotland.”

She glanced at the others.

“Something wicked this way comes…”