The Way North

She hadn't moved for several minutes. Her body remained on the beach; her thoughts were somewhere far beyond the sea.

She was sitting on the beach. The cool sand soothed her bare feet, though it clung stubbornly to the hem of her silk dress. The air was warm, with a cool breeze coming from the water. She stared at the sea. White foam on the top of the waves. White sky. White seagulls. Then she changed focus and looked at the apple in her hands. That shiny, red apple. She turned the fruit over in her hands. Eat it. That was all she had to do. She had not eaten properly for days, and yet she felt nothing as she held this apple in her palm. She had not eaten properly for days, yet the apple stirred no hunger. It was ripe and juicy, if only she could bring herself to eat it—

“You know, Princess, we are in the South. You don’t have to peel the fruits here.”

“Hey, Cas.”

She hadn’t noticed Cas was here until she heard his voice from beside her. He also held an apple, which he bit into as he sat beside her in the sand.

“Also,” he said through a mouthful of apple “, most of the vitamins are in the skin”

“I know. It is just, well, an old northern custom.”

“That I have never, ever understood. Really, why do you always peel, even strawberries? That’s a bit grotesque, isn’t it?”

“Everything back home had to be scrubbed or peeled.”

“Yes, but why?”

“Because every plant is oversprayed with chemicals. They help them grow faster, or, you know, just grow. Especially in the mountains, nothing grows in snow and ice. People are hungry. I got used to peeling the fruit, because if I didn’t, I would have become very sick.”

“But you still ate them.”

“Better to have those than nothing.”

Cas shrugged and took another bite. The waves filled the silence. A gull cried somewhere overhead. She watched the water instead of the apple. Then Cas gently changed the subject.

"Everyone's been asking where you are."

“I am sure about that.” She frowned.

“What happened?”

“I needed to disappear for a moment. War is coming. I think we need to prepare and make moves sooner than we thought.”

She stared at the apple while she was answering. Cas was shaking her shoulders. It was gentle, but hard enough to make her focus. Now they were facing each other.

“What. Happened. At the ball.”

Her hands stopped peeling, and both the knife and the apple slipped into the sand. Now she was crying. She tried to stop it, but the tears were streaming down her face too fast. She ruined it. She ruined everything. Lost control when she needed it the most. She always endured everything. The North, the training. The death of her family. And now, her body was not obedient. Her will couldn’t overwrite her needs.

“I don’t know. It was like I was not in control of myself. I am really sorry.” She was crying so intensely she had to fight for every breath and every word she was uttering. Cas stayed silent. She didn’t see disdain on his face, but she didn't see the reassurance she hoped for either. Instead she found anger. Confusion. And something she couldn't name. When he finally spoke, it was deep, full of tension and threat.

“Did he drug you?”

“No.”

“Then what…”

“I drugged myself.”

“Why?” His tone now was distant, considering. It was the voice of the commander, not the friend.

“I don’t like him. I don’t like when he touches me, when he thinks he can touch me whenever he wants.” Her voice now was quiet, too, like a secret prayer.

“Did he hurt you?”

“Tried, but I could handle it.”

Handle it. The words tasted like a lie. Cas stood up, swept the sand from his pants and offered his hand. She accepted it, and rose from the ground too.

“Shall we take a walk?”

They were walking through the beach, which was - apart from a few fishermen - empty. She waited for him to start talking. With Cas being here, she almost felt relieved. For a moment, she could afford peace. Both of them were thinking - contemplating the future. Finally, Cas broke the silence:

“Why marry him? What if you didn’t do it?”

“What? I can’t, and you know that. I need allies, and he has a navy. He is, well, he has great influence in the court. He has what I don’t have.”

Cas looked at her, and his face was sad. She had never seen him that sad before. The grin she expected never came.

“You don’t need him.”

“You don’t have to…”

“No, just listen. You don’t need him. You are the Princess of the North. You could have all of these.”

“I am in the South now. I am nothing here! I have no allies, no army, no family! War is coming, the North is taken, and nobody does anything! No one!”

She was screaming the last few words. She looked away from the sea, looked away from Cas. She couldn’t bear his gaze. But the man didn’t let it drop. He was still quiet, but his words were echoing in her mind - even months later.

“You are not nothing, you are an heiress. You are much more than him. He should beg for your attention and not the opposite. Please, do not humiliate yourself with that piece of trash.”

“What do you mean?”

“Go to the North. Take back what you want. You can fight; I saw you many times. I saw you enduring situations without a word. I've watched you carry the North alone for years. I've watched you destroy yourself trying to save everyone else. Now is your time, Princess; fight for your people. I could help you with that.”

The last sentence was shy, different from his character.

“How could you help me? Even if I would leave this place, I couldn’t come back, and you cannot come with me either.”

The rules were strict between the South and the North; you couldn’t just come and go wherever you wanted.

“I could. I’ll help you. I can get soldiers.”

He was taking a deep breath before continuing to speak.

“There is one legal way.” Another short break. He was struggling with himself. She looked at him. He didn't meet her eyes.

“Marry me. You would be a southerner, and I could legally enter the North. Be my wife, and I’ll grant you the North, and the South.”

They stopped walking. The gulls were silent; she could only hear her heartbeat rumbling in her chest, the ocean's waves crashing against the shore in a similar rhythm. She was frozen. She didn’t know what to say.

“You don’t have to answer it now.” He said as if he could read her mind. He kissed her forehead slowly, gently. “I didn't want this to be the reason. But if it keeps you away from him … Just think about it, please.”

Then he stepped back and walked away, leaving her alone with her thoughts. Cas was not only the commander in the palace, but also the Prince of the Southern Deserts, the richest province in the country. And he offered her a way out. I could help you. No one ever told her this; no one ever did anything for her. With him, she could get her revenge. She could fight for herself.

She walked back to where the apple lay. It was bruised. Covered in sand. She picked it up. Looked at it. She brushed it clean with her thumb. For a long moment, she simply held it. This time, she didn't peel it. She bit into it.