No Mom

(Note: This story contains mentions of nudity.)

“I remember you used to always said you were going to marry Bugs Bunny’s girlfriend when you grew up,” said Sharon, talking to her son.

“Mom, that was like thirty years ago,” said Frank. “I’m over that now.”

“Frank, that was two years ago.”

“So? Mom, this is the reason I can’t keep a girlfriend. You’re always telling these embarrassing stories about my childhood. I feel like a three-year-old.”

“Childhood? You’re not even fourteen yet! What do you need a girlfriend for? I know every freckle on your bottom like it was yesterday.”

“Mom! I’m never going to ‘do the deed’ with that going on in my head!”

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

“Mom, no! I don’t want you to know. I’m old enough to take care of myself.”

“You can’t even get a bank account! Ha!”

“Mom, look I’m old enough to handle whatever happens. If she gets pregnant…”

“Pregnant? You got a girl pregnant? Who is she?”

“Mom, I don’ have a girlfriend. And I’m not going to get a girlfriend as long as you keep telling these stories…”

“You’ll always be my goose egg-bottom baby.”

“Mom, I’m not a baby anymore. I have my own video game collection. And have of them are ‘Mature’ games. I’m a grownup.”

“Sure, sure. When you get your girlfriend, we can show your cute little baby pictures and all your baby clothes. I still have that picture of you on the toilet.”

“Mom, she doesn’t want to see me on the toilet. Not yet anyway!”

“Yeah, well my little baby’s bottom is still fresh and fragrant!”

“Mom, I’m a grownup now. I have a poster of a dragracer on my wall! I saw all of Arnold’s movies! I’m a grownup!”

“Son, don’t make me laugh!”

“Remember that time when you let me watch that Dave Chappelle special? I didn’t even cry that time!”

“Oh, my sensitive little baby. So cute!”

“No, mom! I’m not cute! I’m…rugged.”

“What did you say? I couldn’t hear you over our self-consciousness.”

“I’m…rugged.”

“How are things going in school? Are you still the class hall monitor?”

“I wasn’t hall monitor; I was class president. For a day.”

“You would make the cutest American president. You know that don’t you?”

“If I were an American president, I wouldn’t be cute!”

“What would you be then?”

“Dangerous! Mysterious! Suave. Debonair.”

“The cutest vocabulary. Ooh, there’s a sound at the door. I’ve got to go now and answer it. No Care Bear tickles while I’m gone.”

Wait, it was 1:00 pm on a Saturday! There could only be one person at the door. Grandma. Frank was beside himself with irony. What was more mother-like than the mother of one’s mother?

He could only guess what they were discussing. The various manners of speech. A laugh here. A slap on the back. A jiggling key. What was she driving? A combine? Frank stood there, waiting for his ultimate demise.

The worst part about it was that his future girlfriend would probably be just like them.

“Frank!” said grandma. “How nice to see you!”

“What, grandma?” said Frank. “I’m a grownup now.”

“You’re so cute,” said grandma. “You’re just like your father.”

“I’m not cute,” said Frank. “I’m rugged…”

“What did you say, sonny? I couldn’t hear you.”

“I’m…rugged.”

“Your father was so cute when he was a kid. Just like you. He had the cutest little whipped cream white bottom and he…”

“Grandma, I don’t want to hear about my dad’s bottom! Okay? I’m…too old for that.”

“Oh, come on now. You’re old enough. Your father had the cutest little bottom. He used to look so cute sitting on the toilet. I have a photo, you know.”

“I don’t want to look at a photo of my father sitting on the toilet.”

“He had the cutest little bottom. And when he got older, he got a girlfriend.”

“Let me guess. My mother?”

“No, he was much too good for your mother. Your mother was known as ‘Hardware’ in school, bigger braces than a weightlifter.”

“Let me guess. My mom had a cute bottom too?”

“I’ve seen the pictures.”

“Come on! Do you realize how incestuous this is? Mine ears have been soiled!”

“Oh, come now! When your father brought his little girlfriend home for a playdate…”

“Playdate? I’m too old for playdates! I want real dates!”

“The only real dates you need are from the organic grocer”

“Grandma, I’m trying to avoid unfriending you on Facebook.”

“Oh, come on young one. You are such a cute little baby. Those cute, rosy cheeks…”

“I sincerely hope you’re talking about the cheeks on face!”

“Uh, do you have a girlfriend, my child? You can’t forget about a little ‘puppy love’ occasionally.”

“I don’t do puppy love. I’m to rugged for that!”

“Oh, come on young one. You are such a cute little child.”

“I could’ve starred in Terminator!”

“As John Connor?”

“As the Terminator!”

“Oh, look at those cute little muscles. They look like little marshmallows on an assembly line. So adorably cute.”

“I’ll probably go for Mr. Olympia.”

“You’ll be going for Mr. Sensitivity with a bottom like that!”

“Grandma! I’m an adult!”

“Why, you can’t even get a driver’s license yet!”

“I beat Gran Turismo 5!”

“What? What is that?”

“Gran Turismo 5! The world’s most popular driving simulator!”

“I seriously doubt that your driving instructor will accept an image of you playing Super Mario as registration.”

“Grandma?”

“Yes, Sweetiecakes?”

“Grandma, be honest…”

“Honesty is a luxury in war.”

“Grandma, I mean, be honest. I’m not a cute, harmless, adorable little kid. I’m a rugged, ugly, brutish, dangerous person. I could really hurt somebody.”

“Well, you sure put a hurting on my famous key lime pie that I made for your birthday last month. Remember that?”

“Can I have some more?”

“Whoa! Hold up, ‘killer.’ I’m not made of key limes!”

“Look grannie, when I get that girlfriend, I don’t want any bottom jokes and no pictures of me on the toilet. Got that?”

“What about the pictures of you puking in your highchair?”