Heartbeats

Thump thump. Thump thump.

My chest ached as my heart raced.

Thump thump. Thump thump.

I never thought it would be this scary. Well, I guess I never really thought about this part of it… you know, I only thought of how it would be easier to do this instead of trying again. It was just too many sad days. I took a deep breath. It would be over in a few seconds. Surely a few seconds of terror is better than a lifetime of misery, right?

I inched my way to the edge, taking a long look at the ground, which seemed higher than I thought it was before.

I swallowed. It was only a few seconds before it would be over. Forever.

I breathed out slowly, closing my eyes. The cool breeze numbed my face and ruffled through my hair. It was oddly peaceful.

“Jerry!”

It was her.

I jolted around to face her.

“Why are you here?!” I yelled, with a little more anger in my voice than I intended.

Her worried glassy eyes shined with tears, and she shrunk a little when I yelled.

I had done this to her. Me. No one else.

I couldn’t look at her anymore. She was just a shell of the woman she used to be, and it was all my fault. She might as well jump too with all I had put her through.

“Go home, please. You don’t want to watch this.” I said, quieting my voice some.

Her lip quivered. “Please Jerry, no! I need you…” She sobbed.

I shook my head. “We both know that’s not true. You would be better off without me. Hell! You would be better off if you never met me!”

She swallowed hard. “No, Jerry, that’s not true. You’ve been there for me when no one else has. I need you more than you even know—”

“Oh shut up! I don’t need to hear this! I’m done! I can’t live this life anymore! My life is pretty fucked up, and I can’t fix it—ever.”

She straightened a little. “Jerry, I know we’ve been through a lot, and there have been times when I’ve wanted to jump too. But you know who has gotten me through those times?” She said, making eye contact even though the tears spilled from her eyes… she was still so strong. Even after everything.

I looked down. I knew the answer to her question, but I didn’t believe it. I have never made her life better. I couldn’t have. I’ve only messed things up really badly.

“It’s you Jerry. You. You pulled me through it—and now I’m going to pull you through this.”

I shook my head. “You just don’t get it, do you?” I felt my face scrunch a little, and tears prick the corner of my eyes. But I don’t cry.

“No, you don’t get it!” She said through a sob. “You are the only good thing that has ever happened to me! I made a promise to love you forever, and you for me. I love you, Jerry, and if you truly love me, then don’t hurt me again by jumping through that window!”

I looked down at the ground. I wouldn’t be hurting her by jumping. That doesn’t make sense. She doesn’t love me… I rubbed my forehead in confusion. Why did everything suddenly feel so hard to understand?

My heart was beating faster again. It felt like my insides were being torn apart. I didn’t want to hurt her ever again, but I couldn’t do that without causing her more emotional pain by jumping.

The ground seemed to swirl before me.

“Jerry.” She whispered, now only a few feet away from me.

How did she get there without me noticing?!

I blinked quickly.

Her big blue watery eyes looked up at me… and all I saw in them was love for the jackass standing next to her about to end his life by jumping out of a window on a tall building.

“You don’t have to do this Jerry. We can figure things out. I need you.” She said, her voice soft and gentle like a butterfly.

I just stared at her… and it seemed like she was fading or was that me? My knees were shaking. What was this intense wobbly wavy feeling that was swimming through my head? Vertigo? I didn’t know. I couldn’t think. I just needed to lie down or something.

“Why don’t you get down from there now Jerry, and we can talk. I need to tell you something.” Her voice echoed through my ears… but I didn’t comprehend what she was saying.

I heard another noise, like a crash… it was the police coming through the door. Damn. I forgot suicide was illegal. Can’t they just let me die in peace?!

She turned to the officer taking a few cautious steps closer.

The room swirled around me, and I felt my knees buckle.

I heard a scream…

I blinked. Well, I guess I got what I wanted. Somehow I still wished for a second chance… maybe I could have tried harder… or kept trying even though it was so hard I wanted to end my life. The breeze flowing past me was actually a really great feeling, and now that I jumped—or fell, I wasn’t scared anymore. I had already resigned.

I saw her face as I fell and she leaned out the window.

I had hurt her again.

At least I wouldn’t hurt her anymore.

This was nothing how I thought it would be.

***

My heart beat. That’s something I never thought that I would feel again. I opened my eyes. I was somehow still breathing. I could feel that I was bleeding out… but didn’t feel any pain for some reason. It was like I was just numb.

Then I felt something.

But it wasn’t pain. It was a warm hand on my arm. She was crying.

I saw the paramedics out of the corner of my vision… but everything got dark, and I didn’t really care anymore. But I was glad she was there with me. Maybe what she said was true. Maybe she did love me.

***

There it was again. But this time it was in rhythm with a sharp beeping noise. My eyelids felt like they were sewn shut, and my limbs felt like they were made of led.

What had happened to me? Surely this was not heaven or the afterlife or something… that would feel different.

Then I felt something… it was the same warmth on my arm I had felt before.

I managed to open my eyes, though they wanted to close still.

I was in a hospital bed.

I looked at my arm. She was gripping it with both hands, as if for dear life. Her head rested on the bed next to me, and a little drool dripped out of her mouth as she slept.

I picked up my arm and stroked her cheek a little. It was wet.

My heart ached as I thought of her crying herself to sleep.

Her eyes fluttered open, and when she saw that I was awake she gasped and shot up. She immediately hugged me around my neck, and a sharp jolt of pain went through me. Tears I could not control spilled down my face, as the realization of what I did—or tried to do, hit me like a ton of bricks.

I kissed her forehead, still crying. “I’m so sorry…” My voice came out dry and gravelly like it hadn’t been used in a while.

She kissed me back. “Don’t ever do that again!” She wept, and my heart broke.

We both just hugged and cried until there was snot.

She handed me a tissue and we both dried our tears and noses.

She sat down in a chair that she had pulled to sit as close to me as possible.

“Jerry, I’m pregnant.” She said, tears still in her eyes.

My breath caught in my throat, and a chill ran down my spine. “What?” I said, almost deliriously, not believing my ears the first time.

She grabbed my hand and squeezed. She leaned over and put her head on my chest. “I’m pregnant.” Her voice was but a whisper.

Water welled up in my eyes. What had I done? I nearly killed myself—and I would have not just left her, but our baby!

I held her head to my chest and sobbed. “I’m so sorry! How could I ever think of killing myself! I love you too much—”

She kissed me again and everything just felt perfect.

Yeah, I know nothing is truly perfect, and never will be, but that doesn’t mean it can’t feel like it. It was then that I knew we would figure things out. We would never stop trying. Never stop loving each other.