The Dragon Warrior

Fantasy Kids

Written in response to: "Write a story about an established group of people welcoming (or not welcoming) a new face into their midst." as part of Introductions.

The sun shone brightly on a fine Sunday morning.

A large meteor had impacted Earth. It had been years since a meteor had attacked Earth. It caused a lot of damage. Scientists had come to examine the meteor.

There was a man inside the meteor. He was dying. The police took him out of it and admitted him to the hospital. 

Miles, the thin sub inspector of police, came into the hospital room and looked at his patient- a muscular man with black hair and tattoos on his hands and feet. He checked the eyes- brown. He read the file on his mystery patient and called a nurse.

"It says here he was found inside the meteor which fell this morning. We need to keep him for observation and we need to have police in case he's hostile when he wakes up." The whole police force was called.

Miles was very cautious. Not that he was afraid, just he wanted to be safe. His brow furrowed as he wondered what to do next.

*****

The strange man who had been in the meteor woke up suddenly and was very confused. 

“Where am I? Who are you all?” he asked.

“Don’t panic. You are in good hands. We are the police force. Here to help you,” the handsome senior officer, George told the confused stranger.

“Okay. But I want to get out of this weird place and go to my planet."

“You get cured and we will talk about it,” George said.

After a few days, the stranger started to live in the police station. 

“Tomorrow is my birthday,” the stranger said.

“Okay,” George said.

“But, where am I?” the stranger asked. He was still a stranger and the police didn't care to know about him.

“You are on earth. Would you mind saying your name?” George asked.

“I am from Dragon planet. My name is Flame. I am known as the dragon warrior on my planet,” he said sadly. 

“We have never seen anyone from a different planet. Welcome to Earth. Why are you sad?” George asked.

“I can’t celebrate my birthday with my family and friends,” Flame said. 

“Okay. Don’t worry. I am George, the senior here,” the policeman said and went out of the police station leaving Flame alone.

George went out and started talking to Miles.

“We should throw a surprise party for Flame. He doesn’t seem like a bad guy, Miles,” George said. 

“Okay, Sir,” the sub inspector, Miles said.

That night Flame saw the stars with a sad expression. It brought back the memories of his family.

The next day when he woke up, he was surprised. The police station was full of balloons and ribbons.

The police had executed their plan. This made Flame happy.

When the cake was going to be cut, the knife was nowhere to be found. 

Flame took out a small keychain and said,”I summon you, dragon.”

The key chain became a big, shining white sword. The police were terrified.

“Let’s cut the cake, George,” Flame said. 

“Can you please make that sword into that key chain and give it to us?” George said. 

“No way. It does harm only if I attack. It is my favourite sword and I am not going to give this sword to you,” Flame said. 

“Okay. We can cut the cake with a small knife, Flame,” Miles said.

“Okay. I will keep it inside. It is the sword that gives me the name Dragon warrior,” Flame said and made it back into a keychain. 

“Thank you, policemen. I will never forget you, George. But, there will be a day when I have to leave you,” Flame said, sadly.

“Don’t feel sad, Flame. Enjoy the moment,” George said, patting Flame. He gifted a phone to Flame.

The policemen and Flame enjoyed the party. They became exhausted after tidying up the police station. Everyone went to their houses and Flame stayed in the police station.

 He knew that day would come. He started practising with his sword. He knew that his enemy would be powerful.

It rained that night. But, it was not water; it was fire. Everyone was scared.

Next morning, the space scientists decided to identify where the fire rain had come from.

The scientists used telescopes to see into space. But, what they saw had shocked them.

The police were called. Flame had come too. 

Many spaceships were approaching Earth. They had many weapons. 

The scientists zoomed into the spaceship. Flame was very impatient. He was terrified too. He decided to talk to George and the scientists.

“I know them, ”Flame said.

“What are you saying, Flame?” George asked.

“They’re the worst aliens in the universe, the Kaals,” Flame said.

“What do you know about them, Flame?” George asked.

“It was a peaceful morning on my planet, the Dragon planet. My family was living in the outskirts of Phoenix City. The Kaals were always waiting for a chance to attack our planet. We had powerful warriors, and I was one of them, The dragon warrior,” Flame said, wiping away his tears. 

“Don’t cry, Flame. But, with so many powerful warriors, how did your planet lose to them?” George said. 

“The Kaals said that the warriors from my planet were betraying our planet. When the warriors fought they caused a lot of damage. The Kaals told me that they were going to destroy the planet. I believed them and killed all the warriors. I was a fool,” Flame said. 

“Don’t worry, Flame. We are with you. Then what happened to your planet?” Miles said.

“Then they used nuclear bombs to destroy our planet. Not even a single soul remained. The Kaals killed them all. They released me into zero gravity space,” Flame said.

“Then how did you escape, Flame?” George asked. 

“Luckily, I fell onto an asteroid which saved me by bringing me into the Earth,” Flame said.

“Now, what are we going to do?” the scientist asked.

“I have a plan,” Flame said, donning his Dragon warrior suit. It was bright red with a fire symbol on the shoulder. He took out his key chain and made it into his sword. 

*****

After some time, Flame said, “I am going to fight them and save this planet.”

“We will help you,” George said.

“Your weapons will be no match for theirs,” The Dragon Warrior said and walked out confidently. 

As the spaceships entered the Earth, many people locked their houses. 

Even the police force was afraid. There were too many spaceships and the sky blackened out. 

But, the dragon warrior stood there fearlessly.

“See the warrior who killed his planet’s warriors,” the Kaals laughed.

“I have been betrayed once. But, not again,” Dragon warrior said, getting ready to fight.

”What are you going to do alone, Dragon warrior?” the Kaals roared in laughter.

“He is not alone,” George said, taking out his pistol.

“Whatever it takes!” the police force shouted.

It was the start of a war. The Kaals looked furious and ugly. They took their weapons and formed the army. They had a huge army. But, the dragon warrior was not afraid. 

He was ready to fight. But, suddenly something struck him.

The dragon warrior started laughing. 

“Hi Kaals, thank you for coming to help me. I am also going to destroy this planet, Kaals,” the dragon warrior said. He slashed his sword on some buildings and made them collapse.

“Yea,” shouted the excited Kaals who had no work to do now.

Then the dragon warrior said, ”it is a waste of time destroying this planet. There are no warriors here.”

“Yes, you are right. There are no warriors here,” the Kaal leader said.

The dragon warrior got into one of the spaceships of the Kaals. 

He gave a large grin to police officer George. George was surprised and sad.

“We will come again to destroy this planet,” The Dragon Warrior said to George.

“You are a cheater, Flame!” George shouted.

The dragon warrior texted to George,“Don't worry, my friend. This is my idea to save your planet and destroy Kaals at the same time. I am not a cheater. I will come back here whenever I get time. I am also sad for the Kaals.” 

The dragon warrior got a reply from George, ”you have done the greatest help to the planet. We are awaiting your return. Destroy the Kaals.”

The Kaal leader had a plan to kill Flame. But, the dragon warrior had a different plan.

The dragon warrior took out his large sword and grinned, ”Sorry, Kaals. I am going to have a feast now.” 

*****



Posted Aug 24, 2020
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193 likes 239 comments

Phoebe DeNeve
March 27, 2021 15:22

Hey, Thanks for the follow! Can't wait to read your stories!

Reply

The Cold Ice
March 29, 2021 14:20

Oh ok. Thanks. Welcome.oh nice.

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Kira Krieger
January 03, 2021 23:02

A little blunt. Too much telling rather than showing.
Some redundant parts.
Some of the scenarios are unrealistic (i.e Miles' main audience would be his partner or another officer, not a nurse).
"go to my planet" -> "go home" - he wouldn't necessarily know where he was.
"cured" ~ he's not sick; use get better.
George won't use earth (unless they're used to aliens); he would say a city or a state.
"Would you mind saying your name?" -> "Can you tell me your name?"
“I am from Dragon planet. My name is Flame. I am known as the dragon warrior on my planet,” he said sadly." -> "Flame. My name is Flame. I'm the Dragon Warrior. Release me!"
George is a police officer, I doubt he would blindly believe that this guy is an alien (especially since they never met aliens) he would think the guy was crazy.

You need to work on making your story believable. Even though it is fiction, readers need to have the sense it could happen,

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The Cold Ice
January 04, 2021 04:42

Ok.Thank you for the mistakes. I am very sad that I don’t have time to edit. But I will keep it in my mind . Thank you

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December 16, 2020 05:05

Wow! It's a very creative plot!

BTW, just saw your bio............I wish you a very happy birthday! :)

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The Cold Ice
December 16, 2020 11:37

Thank you

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December 16, 2020 15:16

My pleasure! :)

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November 29, 2020 02:40

Astonished at your skills in writing short story at your age.Your imagination, handling language with ease adds flavor.As you grow in age and improve your talent you will attract more readers.Blessing& wishing you to write more stories looking forward for your imagination yet to come.

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The Cold Ice
November 29, 2020 02:42

Thanks. I will improve.Thanks for reading.

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B. W.
October 25, 2020 18:20

I'm giving this story a 10/10 as well :) you do good with your stories ^^

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The Cold Ice
October 26, 2020 04:18

Thanks.(please like my story.

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The Cold Ice
October 26, 2020 04:19

No I cannot get it.

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B. W.
October 26, 2020 04:18

I'm pretty sure i already did.

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Barbara Eustace
September 02, 2020 12:04

Good start in the Reedsy community and good imagination. Others have pointed out areas for improvement, so I won't go into that. Keep writing.

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The Cold Ice
September 02, 2020 12:31

Thank you for reading.

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Devanshi Garg
September 01, 2020 07:07

Great story Sahitthian!

But I do think that you could have added some reaction of the police force since one doesn’t get to meet aliens everyday.

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The Cold Ice
September 01, 2020 07:21

Thank you.

Yes, I forgot to add. When I realised it, it was too late.
Thank you for reading.

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Sue Marsh
August 31, 2020 19:14

Sahitthian, first I want to thank you for your comment about my story The Dragon's Lair, I am glad you enjoyed it. If you have the opportunity please read and comment on The Blind Leading the Blind. I enjoyed your story a great deal, it is a little choppy in spots but well thought out. Keep writing. Sue

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The Cold Ice
September 01, 2020 02:21

Yes sure. I am glad you liked my story.Thank you for reading.
(Please like My story).

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Miles Gatling
August 31, 2020 07:12

What a cool name: Flame. Dragon planet is the best planet. Very nice, well done.

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The Cold Ice
August 31, 2020 07:13

Thank you for reading.

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Evelyn Wong
August 31, 2020 06:30

Good!

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The Cold Ice
August 31, 2020 06:32

Thank you for reading.

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Kristin Neubauer
August 30, 2020 16:33

I love this story, Sahitthian! What an imagination. My favorite moment was when the dragon warrior produced the sword to cut the cake. I also really liked, toward the end, how we weren't sure which side Flame was on. You kept me reading. Looking forward to reading more!

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The Cold Ice
August 31, 2020 02:40

I am glad you loved the story. Thank you for reading.

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Jonathan Blaauw
August 29, 2020 09:26

Interesting story and solidly presented. You’ve got all the elements of an engaging tale – a mysterious hero, evil aliens, etc. And you’ve created some nice misdirection at the end there, making the reader think Flame is a bad guy. Those are the things that make stories worth reading, and yours definitely was.
I know you’re a young writer, and your work is great, but it might help you in future to highlight the key parts of your story and focus in on them. For example, the build-up to the action is quite slow, and the surprise party, while cute, isn’t plot-critical. Your story is about a hero from Dragon Planet who saves Earth From the dastardly Kaal. That’s your summary and what you want to focus on.
You’ve shown excellent ability in this story, and it’s your first submission. I encourage you to keep going and I’m really looking forward to what you do next.
Oh, and also, some food for thought – an adverb is often a sign you’ve used the wrong verb. Tell that to your English teacher and see if they agree with me 😊

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The Cold Ice
August 31, 2020 13:54

Thank you for reading.Thank you for taking mistakes.

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Jonathan Blaauw
August 31, 2020 14:07

Mistakes prefer to be called by their full name - learning opportunities. I think someone famous said that. Otherwise, I'm going to claim it :)

It was a pleasure to read and I love that you're open to feedback. Let me know when the new one comes out.

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The Cold Ice
August 31, 2020 14:20

Definitely ,mistakes are learning opportunities.

I am glad it was a pleasure for you.I will definitely tell when I write the next story.

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August 29, 2020 05:00

I like the title of your story. I usually don't like fantasy stories too much but you did very well with this. Great job.

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The Cold Ice
August 29, 2020 05:01

I am glad you liked the title of the story. Thank you for reading.

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Deborah Angevin
August 28, 2020 22:04

This is such an interesting story. As others have mentioned, it is very imaginative!

P.S: would you mind checking my recent story out, "The Purple Sash"? Thank you :D

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The Cold Ice
August 29, 2020 02:48

Sure I will read,thank you for reading.

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Lily Kingston
August 28, 2020 14:18

Nice twist on the prompt! I like how the dragon warrior remains true to his friends on earth. Keep up the good work and keep writing!!

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The Cold Ice
August 28, 2020 15:36

I am glad you enjoyed the story.Thank you for reading.

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Anja Z
August 28, 2020 11:44

Great story I just feel like the story needs body like its is the right bone, but some meat are missing.

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The Cold Ice
August 28, 2020 17:57

I will add some meat. Thank you for reading.

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Naomie K
August 28, 2020 09:50

I like your imagination and the way you developed your story. I not a Fantasy fan, but I enjoyed reading your story all the way to the end. Keep it up.

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The Cold Ice
August 28, 2020 09:53

I am glad you liked my imagination and enjoyed my story. Thank you for reading.

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August 28, 2020 04:18

Great story and well narrated Sahi. There are quite number of events and twists in the story. Never expected such an end, I was also got angry with the dragon warrior like George and could not guess warriors game plan
Well done...Keep writing

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The Cold Ice
August 28, 2020 04:21

Thank you for reading.

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Skyler Woods
August 28, 2020 03:24

A very cute story! I loved Flame. He was very cool!💛

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The Cold Ice
August 28, 2020 03:41

Thank you for reading.

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August 27, 2020 21:54

Good narration I was reading very enjoyed 👏🤝👏 keep it up.

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The Cold Ice
August 28, 2020 01:44

Thank you for reading.

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Jane Andrews
August 27, 2020 18:42

Hi Sahitthian. First of all, I was amazed to realise how young you are - I think your story shows real promise for your age and I look forward to seeing more of your stories on Reedsy. You have an interesting storyline with twists and turns to keep the readers involved - yes, there are some grammatical errors or places where things could be worded a little better, but these skills will develop over time; what's impressive is your imagination here and that you have a carefully thought out and coherent story. (I see lots of other people have offered advice on grammar, so I'll leave that side of things alone.)

You might want to check that you're not repeating information that you've already given - for example, at the end of the 6th paragraph, you say that Miles "was a thin and brown eyed man." - this isn't necessary as you've already described him as "the thin sub inspector of police". You've also just told us that the hospital patient is a man with brown eyes, so having two people's eye colour (and the same colour) mentioned isn't really important. Perhaps replace that sentence with one that tells us how Miles feels through the way he looks eg "His brow furrowed as he wondered what to do next."

Overall, I think you've made a good job of creating a storyline that works and putting in some nice little touches, like the keychain sword and the way that Flame tricks the Kaals. (Also, Flame is a really cool name for a hero.) You should be proud of yourself for competing with adults who are much older than you and getting so many likes for your story. Well done!

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The Cold Ice
August 28, 2020 01:46

Thank you.

Yup, I have changed it. Thank you. I didn’t see that.

Thank you for reading.(please like my story)

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Jane Andrews
August 28, 2020 13:44

I’ve clicked ‘Like’ for you.

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D. Jaymz
August 27, 2020 04:54

A great first story. You have the basic structure of a beginning - middle and an end 👏 This structure is as old as Aristotle's Poetics and is the basis for all stories.

Many people have given you excellent help and I see that you are willing to work with those suggestions when you feel that they help make your story better. That is a good quality for a writer. Every story that you write will improve. The most important thing is to keep writing.

Revisions are needed to fix grammar, internal logic, and those other parts of writing that all of us have to deal with, no matter what our age or experience.

I'll add one point that is a general point that can be used for this story and future stories — relevance.
When something is in your story it should be there because it is needed to further your story, if it doesn't do that then it should be taken out. Always ask yourself — Is this needed? And why?

For example, in the sentence, 'George was handsome and the police job was fit for him.' How does George being handsome help the story? Why is it there? It may be important to his girlfriend, but I as the reader could care less if he is handsome. This could be left out and it would not hurt the story, I believe.
A second point: You also seem to be saying that the job fits him because he was handsome by putting them so close together. Maybe show George do something that would indicate to the reader that George belongs in the police force, some action instead of telling. This is one of those writer's sayings of, 'show don't tell.'

The most important thing is that you have a story. It is creative and with those revisions and editing, it can be made better. It will always be about having an entertaining story for a reader. If the story is good, then readers will ignore small problems (but those also need to be fixed to make a great story, instead of just a good one — only release a story when you have put the work in to make it the best it can be with the experience you have).

I look forward to seeing you grow as a writer at Reedsy. When you put a story up, I ignore age, because I only look at you as a writer (and you are) and treat your work as such.

Keep up the good work 😊

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The Cold Ice
August 27, 2020 05:24

Thank you for reading, Jaymz. Thank you for taking your time in typing such a loooooooooooolooooooooooooooooooooooooooong comment.
I have changed it a bit.

I will go through again.

I love your way of ignoring the age and seeing me as a writer.

I will keep up the good work.

Thank you for reading.

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D. Jaymz
August 27, 2020 06:46

You're welcome.

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Lynn Penny
August 27, 2020 04:50

This was super fun and quite creative. I believe this is an amazing job for your first story on here. I guess my only critique Is the dialogue is a bit stiff in some places. That is a skill that is developed over time as you right more. If you want to work on it, try saying the words out loud as you write them and rewrite them to flow fluently.

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The Cold Ice
August 27, 2020 04:52

Thank you. I will try to rewrite some of the dialogues now. I still have time to edit. Thank you for reading.

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Lynn Penny
August 27, 2020 04:54

You should feel proud, This was truly lovely.

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The Cold Ice
August 27, 2020 05:19

Thank you.

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Rajesh Rajendran
August 27, 2020 04:46

Very nice story Saihiten
Adapted from some sci-fic movies

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The Cold Ice
August 27, 2020 04:49

Thank you for reading.😁😁😁

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Lonnie Larson
August 27, 2020 00:25

It was very good. It was fast paced, but that was still good for a first submission story. Keep writing and i'm sure I'll be seeing your work in stores.

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The Cold Ice
August 27, 2020 02:07

Thank you for reading, Lonnie.

Reply

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