The sun shone brightly on a fine Sunday morning.
A large meteor had impacted Earth. It had been years since a meteor had attacked Earth. It caused a lot of damage. Scientists had come to examine the meteor.
There was a man inside the meteor. He was dying. The police took him out of it and admitted him to the hospital.
Miles, the thin sub inspector of police, came into the hospital room and looked at his patient- a muscular man with black hair and tattoos on his hands and feet. He checked the eyes- brown. He read the file on his mystery patient and called a nurse.
"It says here he was found inside the meteor which fell this morning. We need to keep him for observation and we need to have police in case he's hostile when he wakes up." The whole police force was called.
Miles was very cautious. Not that he was afraid, just he wanted to be safe. His brow furrowed as he wondered what to do next.
*****
The strange man who had been in the meteor woke up suddenly and was very confused.
“Where am I? Who are you all?” he asked.
“Don’t panic. You are in good hands. We are the police force. Here to help you,” the handsome senior officer, George told the confused stranger.
“Okay. But I want to get out of this weird place and go to my planet."
“You get cured and we will talk about it,” George said.
After a few days, the stranger started to live in the police station.
“Tomorrow is my birthday,” the stranger said.
“Okay,” George said.
“But, where am I?” the stranger asked. He was still a stranger and the police didn't care to know about him.
“You are on earth. Would you mind saying your name?” George asked.
“I am from Dragon planet. My name is Flame. I am known as the dragon warrior on my planet,” he said sadly.
“We have never seen anyone from a different planet. Welcome to Earth. Why are you sad?” George asked.
“I can’t celebrate my birthday with my family and friends,” Flame said.
“Okay. Don’t worry. I am George, the senior here,” the policeman said and went out of the police station leaving Flame alone.
George went out and started talking to Miles.
“We should throw a surprise party for Flame. He doesn’t seem like a bad guy, Miles,” George said.
“Okay, Sir,” the sub inspector, Miles said.
That night Flame saw the stars with a sad expression. It brought back the memories of his family.
The next day when he woke up, he was surprised. The police station was full of balloons and ribbons.
The police had executed their plan. This made Flame happy.
When the cake was going to be cut, the knife was nowhere to be found.
Flame took out a small keychain and said,”I summon you, dragon.”
The key chain became a big, shining white sword. The police were terrified.
“Let’s cut the cake, George,” Flame said.
“Can you please make that sword into that key chain and give it to us?” George said.
“No way. It does harm only if I attack. It is my favourite sword and I am not going to give this sword to you,” Flame said.
“Okay. We can cut the cake with a small knife, Flame,” Miles said.
“Okay. I will keep it inside. It is the sword that gives me the name Dragon warrior,” Flame said and made it back into a keychain.
“Thank you, policemen. I will never forget you, George. But, there will be a day when I have to leave you,” Flame said, sadly.
“Don’t feel sad, Flame. Enjoy the moment,” George said, patting Flame. He gifted a phone to Flame.
The policemen and Flame enjoyed the party. They became exhausted after tidying up the police station. Everyone went to their houses and Flame stayed in the police station.
He knew that day would come. He started practising with his sword. He knew that his enemy would be powerful.
It rained that night. But, it was not water; it was fire. Everyone was scared.
Next morning, the space scientists decided to identify where the fire rain had come from.
The scientists used telescopes to see into space. But, what they saw had shocked them.
The police were called. Flame had come too.
Many spaceships were approaching Earth. They had many weapons.
The scientists zoomed into the spaceship. Flame was very impatient. He was terrified too. He decided to talk to George and the scientists.
“I know them, ”Flame said.
“What are you saying, Flame?” George asked.
“They’re the worst aliens in the universe, the Kaals,” Flame said.
“What do you know about them, Flame?” George asked.
“It was a peaceful morning on my planet, the Dragon planet. My family was living in the outskirts of Phoenix City. The Kaals were always waiting for a chance to attack our planet. We had powerful warriors, and I was one of them, The dragon warrior,” Flame said, wiping away his tears.
“Don’t cry, Flame. But, with so many powerful warriors, how did your planet lose to them?” George said.
“The Kaals said that the warriors from my planet were betraying our planet. When the warriors fought they caused a lot of damage. The Kaals told me that they were going to destroy the planet. I believed them and killed all the warriors. I was a fool,” Flame said.
“Don’t worry, Flame. We are with you. Then what happened to your planet?” Miles said.
“Then they used nuclear bombs to destroy our planet. Not even a single soul remained. The Kaals killed them all. They released me into zero gravity space,” Flame said.
“Then how did you escape, Flame?” George asked.
“Luckily, I fell onto an asteroid which saved me by bringing me into the Earth,” Flame said.
“Now, what are we going to do?” the scientist asked.
“I have a plan,” Flame said, donning his Dragon warrior suit. It was bright red with a fire symbol on the shoulder. He took out his key chain and made it into his sword.
*****
After some time, Flame said, “I am going to fight them and save this planet.”
“We will help you,” George said.
“Your weapons will be no match for theirs,” The Dragon Warrior said and walked out confidently.
As the spaceships entered the Earth, many people locked their houses.
Even the police force was afraid. There were too many spaceships and the sky blackened out.
But, the dragon warrior stood there fearlessly.
“See the warrior who killed his planet’s warriors,” the Kaals laughed.
“I have been betrayed once. But, not again,” Dragon warrior said, getting ready to fight.
”What are you going to do alone, Dragon warrior?” the Kaals roared in laughter.
“He is not alone,” George said, taking out his pistol.
“Whatever it takes!” the police force shouted.
It was the start of a war. The Kaals looked furious and ugly. They took their weapons and formed the army. They had a huge army. But, the dragon warrior was not afraid.
He was ready to fight. But, suddenly something struck him.
The dragon warrior started laughing.
“Hi Kaals, thank you for coming to help me. I am also going to destroy this planet, Kaals,” the dragon warrior said. He slashed his sword on some buildings and made them collapse.
“Yea,” shouted the excited Kaals who had no work to do now.
Then the dragon warrior said, ”it is a waste of time destroying this planet. There are no warriors here.”
“Yes, you are right. There are no warriors here,” the Kaal leader said.
The dragon warrior got into one of the spaceships of the Kaals.
He gave a large grin to police officer George. George was surprised and sad.
“We will come again to destroy this planet,” The Dragon Warrior said to George.
“You are a cheater, Flame!” George shouted.
The dragon warrior texted to George,“Don't worry, my friend. This is my idea to save your planet and destroy Kaals at the same time. I am not a cheater. I will come back here whenever I get time. I am also sad for the Kaals.”
The dragon warrior got a reply from George, ”you have done the greatest help to the planet. We are awaiting your return. Destroy the Kaals.”
The Kaal leader had a plan to kill Flame. But, the dragon warrior had a different plan.
The dragon warrior took out his large sword and grinned, ”Sorry, Kaals. I am going to have a feast now.”
*****
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Hi Sahitthian, it's great that you've started writing as well in Reedsy like your brother. A lot of grammatical and punctuation errors that can be improved, but it's nothing to worry about, every writer has room for improvement including me.
Keep on writing! And looking forward to more.
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Thank you for reading. I still have time to edit. Please pick out some errors?
Keep writing.
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" It was bright read" red
First, start with the "meteor" already on the ground and the authorities taking the unconscious dragon warrior away. Begin with something to set the scene and build tension. You have three people with names- Flame, Miles, and George. You have a scene with flame in the hospital. You have the scene at the station when Flame is sad about his birthday. You have the scene of the party. Then you have the Kaal space fleet approach, and Flame send them packing.
At the hospital, tell everything interesting that Miles, the chief scientist, sees and does. That first scene is all about Miles and how he looks at Flame.
Then, have George be the center when he is finding out about Flame's name/birthday.
Then have the party centered on Flame.
When flame goes to the Kaal ship, shift back to George.
Look at how you write that first scene. "Miles came into the hospital room and looked at his patient- a muscular man with black hair and tattoos on his hands and feet. He checked the eyes- brown. He read the file on his mystery patient and called a nurse. "It says here he was found inside the meteor which fell this morning. We need to keep him for observation and we need to have police in case he's hostile when he wakes up."
Do you see how this, tied to Miles seems more interesting than just "a meteor fell"? It's a trick you can keep in mind. Rewrite each scene with the character indicated. Just do your best. see how you like it. Every time you write something, look for a way to make it better the next time.
I hope this is helpful. Most of my teaching experience is in math.
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I have changed it.
Definitely, that's a nice idea.
It was very helpful.
I believe I will get your help in my next stories.
Thank you for nitpicking.
Thank you for reading.
(would you mind giving a read again?)
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said,” I summon you, dragon.” - typo (which I missed earlier) the quotes are off and you can barely notice. should be- said, "I summon you dragon."
This is better. The trick is to set it aside and read later. Reedsy is very fast, between prompt and locked into accepted, so you son't get enough time to edit as much as most prefer. When you go back with fresh eyes, you see more.
A trick for your next tale- make the protagonist (the hero) a boy about your age (nine or ten) and have him tell the story himself- "So there I was, waiting in line for..." as an example. The more he is like you at the start of the tale, the more your writing sounds exactly right. You can tell it like you would a story about something that happened, just ass something more, something that never happens- like the alien spaceship takes you flying to the moon, or a magical witch casts a spell on you, or you fall down a sloping fissures in the ground and land in some prehistoric place full of dinosaurs. Whatever story you want to be in, write about what you experience.
There is an old method called "write what you know." But you need to go past that or the stories are pretty boring. So "what you know" really means- "Write about people who you understand" as your main characters. So take someone who is like you and then put them in some fantastic situation. The situation you want to write about. Have them magically transformed into an adult on the outside if the story needs, but they are still like you in their thoughts. See where that takes you for your next story. This one is about as far as you can take it. It's good and that is what you want.
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Thank you for nitpicking once again.
Nice trick.
That’s a nice idea. I will definitely use it in my next story.
Thank you for reading and I am grateful for you.
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Hi, Chaeles. I'm new here, and am trying to read as many stories as I can, while writing, working, and being a single mom. Anyway- that's completely unrelated. I was just wondering why you had to pick apart Sahitthian's story so much? I understand that you're a successful author on this platform and you're just trying to help, but pointing out every little flaw seems a bit much to me. I'm not intending to be disrespectfu,l so please, don't takeit that way, I just would've been a lot more receptive and understanding to the costructive critisism if you had mentioned even ONE thing that you liked about the story. Again, not trying to be negative, it's just my opinion. Also, I do know that Sahittian does appreciate your critques, so maybe I've just got the wrong idea. Thanks for reading this
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I'll try to keep your preference in mind if I read something of yours. I could see Sahitthian's enthusiasm in the story, and I wanted to tell him how to make it better. Sometimes I point out that I only critique when I notice enough talent to make it worthwhile. But I also get time constraints and in the rush, I can forget to add a line about the positive. In this case, the dragon hero tricks the enemy rather than unleashing a mega-cosmic-ultra-combo blast; and that is definitely the way to go. Sahitthian had the intuitive sense to see that without any prompting- and there you see the talent.
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Interesting Charles!
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Very nice story! The name "Kaals" sounds like something out of Star Trek!
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Yes, the name was very funny. Thank you for reading.
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You're welcome!
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Well-written storywithgood imagination . you will become.great writer.
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Thank you, grandfather.
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This is very imaginative! I like the characters, the keychain sword, the raining fire from the spaceships. A few suggestions:
Try not to use "very" so much. "very tired" = "Exhausted," "very afraid" = "Terrified," "very angry" = "Furious." Expanding your vocabulary will go along way toward making your stuff keep readers' attention.
It's really good for heroes to have some sort of fault, or a mistake to correct, but there should be some sort of justification for the mistake. “The Kaals said that the warriors from my planet were betraying our planet. I believed them and killed all the warriors. I was a fool,” I don't think Flame would have just believed the Kaals and done such a horrible thing. That makes me believe in him less as the hero. How did the Kaals trick him into doing this? There's more to the story there. something to think about!
There's also a handful of spelling and grammar errors here and there, although for the most part your grammar is pretty solid. If you can, I would put it into google docs and run the spelling and grammar check, should point out some of them.
Keep writing!
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Thank you for taking your time in commenting. I am glad you liked the characters.
Okay, I have changed it as you said.
I have given a reason for it now!
Okay, I had already run a spell check.
Thank you for reading.(would you mind reading again?)
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looks better!
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Thank you.
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You asked me to read it. It's a wonderful story
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Thank you for reading.
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my pleasure
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Just a request can you upvote my comments and I will do the same
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Sure! Thank you.
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thanks
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Well done for your first story on reedsy. Loved the imagination! I won't point out the errors since others have done so. You will only get better.
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Please point out errors I still have time to edit. Thank you for reading.
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I will check it out tomorrow. Where I live it's close to bedtime.
I also just put out a silly story.
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Okay, thanks. Good night.
I would read it.
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This was a good story, and a great storyline. I really enjoyed the sudden twist of when us readers thought that Flame was one of the villains. The last line made me laugh! I will say that there were some grammatical and punctuation errors, but other than that this story was pretty much perfect!
Keep writing and stay healthy,
Brooke D.
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The dragon warrior was acting in the last scence to save the earth.Thank you for reading.
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You're welcome!
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Can you point out some mistakes for me? Because I still have time to edit.
Thank you for reading.
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Here are three:
1.) '...was very confused. “Where am I? Who are you all?” he asked, confused.' Because you already mentioned that Flame was very confused, it is unneeded to add confused at the end of the dialogue. There are a couple more spots where you did the same thing; mentioning something that you already mentioned.
2.) 'It was bright read with a fire symbol on the shoulder.' Read should have been red.
3.) 'Donning his Dragon warrior suit. It was bright red with a fire symbol on the shoulder.' Because you already said that Flame was wearing his suit and what it looked like, it is unneeded to add it here as well.
I hope this helped!
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Thank you for nitpicking.
This helped me a lot. Stay healthy and stay safe
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Wonderful story, Sahi. The power of sword was great. Waiting for your next story...
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Thank you for reading
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Please read my new story," Clueless."
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Yes ,of course.
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It was a beautiful story. Keep up the good work! :)
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Thank you for reading.
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Liked your story. Brilliantly written. Would you mind reading my stories ,commenting, following me and commenting on them
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Sure,thank you for reading.
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Your imagination is amazing! And the characters as well! So sorry I couldn’t point out mistakes, I’m using my phone right now.
Congratulations on your first story! Hope you continue to write more!
Take care and stay safe!
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That’s okay. I will proofread again. Thank you for reading.
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My pleasure!
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Wow, cool story! I liked it! Great job!
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Thank you for reading.
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You're welcome!
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This is a solid take on the superhero genre! I like how the sword was teased at first before we finally get to see that it can cut entire buildings towards the end. I wish I got to see Flame’s plan in action, but good stuff anyways. Keep writing! 😉
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I am glad you liked the sword teasing. Maybe I will write a part 2 from the middle. Thank you for reading.
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Congrats on your first story. Wonderful imagination well done
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Thank you.
Thank you for your kind words.
Thank you for reading.
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Sahi it is good to know at this young age you are able to write such an amazing story. Wishing you all the best dear. Keep going..
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Thank you for reading.
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A excellent story, keep it up, good imagination
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Thank you for reading .
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superb story dude,it was an awesome story.
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Thank you for reading.
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Sahitthian, it was an interesting story, nice read! Keep writing !
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Thank you for reading.
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Most welcome!
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The story was really imaginative. Keep writing just like your brother!!! Appreciate your writing skills at this young age!!!!!
Waiting for your next story.......
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Thank you for reading
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Very awesome story!
You use ¨said¨ quite a bit, you may want to change that up and use different words like asked, exclaimed, and more.
It was a very creative spin on the prompt, awesome job!!
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Thank you for reading.
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Of course!!!
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Why you deleted your story.
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Check my bio. :)
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Ok !I will check yours.
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Oh!!it got deleted.
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👋 hey Sahitthian read my new story pls
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Would you mind to read my new story
The dragon warrior part 2
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Sure
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Sure.
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Wow, Amazing fantasy. The idea of a person coming in meteor was so creative. Good job👍
Stay safe & keep writing:)
P.S. Would you mind reading my first story?
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Sure I will read.Thank you for reading.
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Hi Sahitthian! This is a great first story. I love the idea of a meteor falling to Earth with a person inside. The person would have to have a pretty strong body to survive that, but he's an alien, so anything goes. It would be interesting to see more of his backstory. Maybe you can return to it in a later story. It seems a bit fantastic for the Kaals to trick him into killing his own army, but that could be explained if his backstory was explored more. The keychain was interesting - if he has magic it could explain how he survived the fall. One other technical point before I comment extensively on the nitty grity grammar details. I noticed you had Flame texting George at the end. That leaves lots of unanswered questions. First, does Flame's planet have the same technology as ours that he would have a phone and it would work to text to our phones? Second, how did he get George's number? It might be easiest to fix this by having George give Flame a phone at some point, along with his number, so they could keep in touch while Flame is at the station and George is at home. The phone would stop working when Flame got out of range of the cell towers, but right after he boarded the rocket it would probably still work to text George. Just something to think about.
Here's some homework to do while you're thinking:
"The police took him out of it and admitted him in the hospital." - change "in the hospital" to "to the hospital."
"Miles, the sub inspector of police came into the hospital room and looked at his patient- a muscular man with black hair and tattoos on his hands and feet." - "the sub inspector of police" is an appositive. Appositives get either commas on both sides or no commas. Never use only one comma for an appositive (unless it's at the end of a sentence in which case the second comma gets replaced by a period). In this case, since you already identified him by name, use commas, like this: "Miles, the sub inspector of police, came into the hospital room . . ."
"He was a thin and brown eyed man." - This line is out of place here. Instead, weave it into the first description of Miles, like this: "Miles, the thin sub inspector of police, came into the hospital room and looked at his patient- a muscular man with black hair and tattoos on his hands and feet. He checked the eyes- brown, like his own. He read the file on his mystery patient and called a nurse." This is a suggestion. You could incorporate it some other way, but make it casual rather than blurting it out at the end.
“Don’t panic. You are in good hands. We are the police force, we are here to help you,” the senior officer, George told the confused stranger. - "we are the police force, we are here to help you" is written as a single sentence, but it could be two sentences. Either make it two sentences or separate it with a semicolon in the middle. “Don’t panic. You are in good hands. We are the police force. We are here to help you,” the senior officer, George told the confused stranger. Or “Don’t panic. You are in good hands. We are the police force; we are here to help you,” the senior officer, George told the confused stranger.
“Tomorrow is my birthday,” the stranger said. - optional: change to "Tomorrow is my birthday, the stranger said one day."
“You are on earth. Would you mind saying your name?” George asked. - Maybe change to "You are on Earth. Would you mind telling me your name?" George asked.
George was handsome and the police job was fit for him. - Does his appearance have anything to do with the job being fit for him? I would take this out and stick "handsome" before "senior officer" in the sentence where George is introduced. If you want to keep the part about the job being fit for him, maybe you can fit it in somewhere else after he does something that shows he's fit for his job.
George went out and started talking to a sub inspector, Miles. - Miles isn't just any sub inspector, he's one we've met already. Either say "Sub Inspector Miles." or just "Miles."
“We should keep a surprise party for Flame. He doesn’t seem like a bad guy, Miles,” George said. - Change "keep" to "make" or "throw."
“Okay Sir,” the sub inspector, Miles said. - Two changes here. "Okay, Sir," with a comma in the middle, and take out the appositive here. Either use his name or his title, but not both every time. We know he's the sub inspector by now. "Okay, Sir," the sub inspector said. Or "Okay, Sir," Miles said.
"That night Flame saw the stars with a sad expression. He had got the memories of his family." - Change to "That night Flame looked at the stars with a sad expression. They brought back memories of his family." or something similar.
Flame took out a small keychain and said,”I summon you, dragon.” - missing a space before the quotations start.
"The key chain became a big, shining white sword." - Change "key chain" to "keychain"
“Okay. I will keep it inside. It is the sword that gives me the name Dragon warrior.” Flame said and made it back into a keychain. - You mostly got this right elsewhere in your story. Change the last period inside the quotations to a comma.
"But, it was not water, it was fire." - I would use a semicolon here. But it was not water; it was fire.
"Next morning, the space scientists decided to identify from where the fire rain had come from." - This sentence has the word "from" twice. Either one works, so take out whichever one you want.
“I know them,”Flame said. - space missing before quotation
It was a peaceful morning on my planet, The Dragon planet. - Don't capitalize "the" in the middle of a sentence, unless it's part of the planet's name. What is the planet's name? If the name is "Dragon" or "The Dragon" maybe take out the word planet. If the name is "The Dragon Planet," all three words should be capitalized. Either way, the name should match what you call it earlier in the story.
Phoenix city - again, if it's called "Phoenix City" both should be capitalized, and if it's just a city called "Phoenix" take out the word "city" or call it "the city of Phoenix"
"I was one of them, The dragon warrior" - Again, decide if this is a title. If yes, it's "The Dragon Warrior." If not, it's "the dragon warrior." And be consistent wherever this is mentioned in the story.
Flame said, wiping off his tears. - Change to "wiping away his tears" or "wiping the tears off his face" or wiping away some tears that escaped from his eyes" or something similar
“Don’t cry, Flame. But, with so many powerful warriors. How did your planet lose to them?” George said. - "But, with so many powerful warriors" is not a sentence on its own. Attach to the following sentence "But, with so many powerful warriors, how did your planet lose to them?"
The Kaals told that they were going to destroy the planet. - Add the word "me" after "told"
"“I have a plan,” Flame said, donning his Dragon warrior suit" - Is this a warrior suit from the planet Dragon or a Dragon Warrior suit? If dragon warrior is not an official title and the planet is just "Dragon" keep the capitalization like this. Otherwise, change it.
After some time, Flame said,“I am going to fight them and save this planet.” - space missing before quotations
“Your weapons will no where match theirs,” The dragon warrior said and walked out confidently. - change to "Your weapons will be no match for theirs," the dragon warrior said and walked out confidently. Unless you want Dragon Warrior to be a title, in which case just capitalize that part.
There were too many spaceships and the sky blackened out. - Change to "There were so many spaceships that they blocked out the sky."
“Whatever it takes,” the police force shouted. - Shouting is an exclamation. Change to "Whatever it takes!" the police force shouted.
“Hi Kaals, thank you for coming to help me.I am also going to destroy this planet, Kaals,” - space missing between sentences
Then the dragon warrior said,” it is a waste of time destroying this planet. There are no warriors here.” - move the first quotation to after the space. It's facing the wrong way and attached to the wrong words.
“Yes, you are right. There are no warriors here,” The Kaal leader said. - "the" should be lowercase.
“We will come again to destroy this planet,” The dragon warrior said to George. - same error as above
“You are a cheater, Flame,” George shouted. - Again, this is an exclamation. "You are a cheater, Flame!" George shouted.
The dragon warrior texted to George,“Don't worry, my friend. This is my idea to save your planet and destroy Kaals at the same time. I am not a cheater. I will come back here whenever I get time. I am also sad for the Kaals.” - space missing before quotation. Also, it should say "destroy the Kaals"
The dragon warrior got a reply from George,”you have done the greatest help to the planet. We are awaiting your return. I feel sad for the Kaals.” - space missing before quotations and beginning quotation is backwards
The dragon warrior took out his large sword and grinned,”Sorry, Kaals. I am going to have a feast now.” - space missing before quotation.
I hope that wasn't too much homework. Good luck fixing everything before Friday!
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I am glad you enjoyed the story.
That’s a lot of homework. I was afraid when I saw such a long comment. I have finished it. Thank you for typing Such a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong comment.(the o’s are not enough I think)
Thank you for reading. I want your help in my future stories.
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The story was imaginative and creative. I appreciate your interest in such a young age. Keep writing like your brother.
Waiting for your stories!!
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Thank you for reading, Shobie.
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