The sun shone brightly on a fine Sunday morning.
A large meteor had impacted Earth. It had been years since a meteor had attacked Earth. It caused a lot of damage. Scientists had come to examine the meteor.
There was a man inside the meteor. He was dying. The police took him out of it and admitted him to the hospital.
Miles, the thin sub inspector of police, came into the hospital room and looked at his patient- a muscular man with black hair and tattoos on his hands and feet. He checked the eyes- brown. He read the file on his mystery patient and called a nurse.
"It says here he was found inside the meteor which fell this morning. We need to keep him for observation and we need to have police in case he's hostile when he wakes up." The whole police force was called.
Miles was very cautious. Not that he was afraid, just he wanted to be safe. His brow furrowed as he wondered what to do next.
*****
The strange man who had been in the meteor woke up suddenly and was very confused.
“Where am I? Who are you all?” he asked.
“Don’t panic. You are in good hands. We are the police force. Here to help you,” the handsome senior officer, George told the confused stranger.
“Okay. But I want to get out of this weird place and go to my planet."
“You get cured and we will talk about it,” George said.
After a few days, the stranger started to live in the police station.
“Tomorrow is my birthday,” the stranger said.
“Okay,” George said.
“But, where am I?” the stranger asked. He was still a stranger and the police didn't care to know about him.
“You are on earth. Would you mind saying your name?” George asked.
“I am from Dragon planet. My name is Flame. I am known as the dragon warrior on my planet,” he said sadly.
“We have never seen anyone from a different planet. Welcome to Earth. Why are you sad?” George asked.
“I can’t celebrate my birthday with my family and friends,” Flame said.
“Okay. Don’t worry. I am George, the senior here,” the policeman said and went out of the police station leaving Flame alone.
George went out and started talking to Miles.
“We should throw a surprise party for Flame. He doesn’t seem like a bad guy, Miles,” George said.
“Okay, Sir,” the sub inspector, Miles said.
That night Flame saw the stars with a sad expression. It brought back the memories of his family.
The next day when he woke up, he was surprised. The police station was full of balloons and ribbons.
The police had executed their plan. This made Flame happy.
When the cake was going to be cut, the knife was nowhere to be found.
Flame took out a small keychain and said,”I summon you, dragon.”
The key chain became a big, shining white sword. The police were terrified.
“Let’s cut the cake, George,” Flame said.
“Can you please make that sword into that key chain and give it to us?” George said.
“No way. It does harm only if I attack. It is my favourite sword and I am not going to give this sword to you,” Flame said.
“Okay. We can cut the cake with a small knife, Flame,” Miles said.
“Okay. I will keep it inside. It is the sword that gives me the name Dragon warrior,” Flame said and made it back into a keychain.
“Thank you, policemen. I will never forget you, George. But, there will be a day when I have to leave you,” Flame said, sadly.
“Don’t feel sad, Flame. Enjoy the moment,” George said, patting Flame. He gifted a phone to Flame.
The policemen and Flame enjoyed the party. They became exhausted after tidying up the police station. Everyone went to their houses and Flame stayed in the police station.
He knew that day would come. He started practising with his sword. He knew that his enemy would be powerful.
It rained that night. But, it was not water; it was fire. Everyone was scared.
Next morning, the space scientists decided to identify where the fire rain had come from.
The scientists used telescopes to see into space. But, what they saw had shocked them.
The police were called. Flame had come too.
Many spaceships were approaching Earth. They had many weapons.
The scientists zoomed into the spaceship. Flame was very impatient. He was terrified too. He decided to talk to George and the scientists.
“I know them, ”Flame said.
“What are you saying, Flame?” George asked.
“They’re the worst aliens in the universe, the Kaals,” Flame said.
“What do you know about them, Flame?” George asked.
“It was a peaceful morning on my planet, the Dragon planet. My family was living in the outskirts of Phoenix City. The Kaals were always waiting for a chance to attack our planet. We had powerful warriors, and I was one of them, The dragon warrior,” Flame said, wiping away his tears.
“Don’t cry, Flame. But, with so many powerful warriors, how did your planet lose to them?” George said.
“The Kaals said that the warriors from my planet were betraying our planet. When the warriors fought they caused a lot of damage. The Kaals told me that they were going to destroy the planet. I believed them and killed all the warriors. I was a fool,” Flame said.
“Don’t worry, Flame. We are with you. Then what happened to your planet?” Miles said.
“Then they used nuclear bombs to destroy our planet. Not even a single soul remained. The Kaals killed them all. They released me into zero gravity space,” Flame said.
“Then how did you escape, Flame?” George asked.
“Luckily, I fell onto an asteroid which saved me by bringing me into the Earth,” Flame said.
“Now, what are we going to do?” the scientist asked.
“I have a plan,” Flame said, donning his Dragon warrior suit. It was bright red with a fire symbol on the shoulder. He took out his key chain and made it into his sword.
*****
After some time, Flame said, “I am going to fight them and save this planet.”
“We will help you,” George said.
“Your weapons will be no match for theirs,” The Dragon Warrior said and walked out confidently.
As the spaceships entered the Earth, many people locked their houses.
Even the police force was afraid. There were too many spaceships and the sky blackened out.
But, the dragon warrior stood there fearlessly.
“See the warrior who killed his planet’s warriors,” the Kaals laughed.
“I have been betrayed once. But, not again,” Dragon warrior said, getting ready to fight.
”What are you going to do alone, Dragon warrior?” the Kaals roared in laughter.
“He is not alone,” George said, taking out his pistol.
“Whatever it takes!” the police force shouted.
It was the start of a war. The Kaals looked furious and ugly. They took their weapons and formed the army. They had a huge army. But, the dragon warrior was not afraid.
He was ready to fight. But, suddenly something struck him.
The dragon warrior started laughing.
“Hi Kaals, thank you for coming to help me. I am also going to destroy this planet, Kaals,” the dragon warrior said. He slashed his sword on some buildings and made them collapse.
“Yea,” shouted the excited Kaals who had no work to do now.
Then the dragon warrior said, ”it is a waste of time destroying this planet. There are no warriors here.”
“Yes, you are right. There are no warriors here,” the Kaal leader said.
The dragon warrior got into one of the spaceships of the Kaals.
He gave a large grin to police officer George. George was surprised and sad.
“We will come again to destroy this planet,” The Dragon Warrior said to George.
“You are a cheater, Flame!” George shouted.
The dragon warrior texted to George,“Don't worry, my friend. This is my idea to save your planet and destroy Kaals at the same time. I am not a cheater. I will come back here whenever I get time. I am also sad for the Kaals.”
The dragon warrior got a reply from George, ”you have done the greatest help to the planet. We are awaiting your return. Destroy the Kaals.”
The Kaal leader had a plan to kill Flame. But, the dragon warrior had a different plan.
The dragon warrior took out his large sword and grinned, ”Sorry, Kaals. I am going to have a feast now.”
*****
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As requested, I am here to read your story! You definitely have a pure love for writing and storytelling, so I would love to help you hone your craft.
I have a few critiques other than cleaning up dialogue tags and grammar in general more related to the story structure itself. The narration seems to shift between a broad summary of events to the small interactions between characters, which can be jarring for readers. I recommend narrating first and then diving into dialogue so it's not muddled in the middle. The dialogue itself seems a bit stilted and unnatural, but if English isn't your first language, then don't worry, it will get better with time.
The introduction of characters with names shouldn't be random. They need to have a purpose to move the story forward. I remember the two names Miles and George, but I can't tell what their roles are in the story because their introduction was a bit clumsy. Ask yourself why they are present, and have the characters stick to that role. If Miles is supposed to be funny and ease tense situations, then he is the comic relief. If George is the strict, serious one, then he tries to control the situation.
I recommend describing your characters as if they were family members rather than people you made up. You know details about them that shape your perception of their character. Your cousin will sound and act different than your father and brother, and so on. Each character needs a unique voice to distinguish them to the audience, otherwise they become forgettable. What is it that you love about your main character Flame? What makes him act the way he does? Describe him so that the reader loves him too.
Overall, great effort and keep up the good work!
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Thanks.
I will work on it.
Ok ,I will work on it.Thanks.
Thank you for reading.
Keep writing.
(Would you mind liking my second part)?Thanks?
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You may need an editor, but you have put a movie in my head...
Off to read part II.
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Yeah, I definitely need one. Glad I put a movie in your head. Thank you for reading.
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Hey, Sahitthian. Great read. I always love to see fellow sci-fi writers on the site.
I just had a few tips. (Of course, they're completely optional, it's your story.)
Your sentences sometimes have a tendency to be basic. Maybe include more figurative language, such as metaphors, hyperboles, and similies?
I think your writing could improve a lot if you tried to show, not tell. Making the reader have to make inferences and discover the hidden meaning behind your words might make for a more enjoyable read. Don't always directly say what is happening.
For example, "The Kaal leader had a plan to kill Flame." Could be improved by saying this instead: "The Kaal leader watched from his ship, stroking his chin and smiling. The dragon warrior could not fool him that easily." This leads readers to infer that the Kaal leader knows Flame is hostile and plans to attack him.
If you've ever read "Monkey's Paw," by W. W. Jacobs, he does a great job of making the reader make inferences and stating things indirectly.
It starts with characters playing a chess game, in which personality traits are revealed about each character. One takes risks in chess, which translates into him being a slightly reckless, and risk-taking person as the story progresses. The other character is clever and beats the other, and his logical mindset causes him to laugh at superstitious events later on in the story.
Jacobs shows how his characters or events will unfold, rather than stating directly or bluntly. Character and plot development doesn't always have to be so blunt.
I hope this makes sense.
Whether or not you want to take this advice is up to you, just know that I only have your best interests at heart.
Great story again, Sahitthian!
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Thank you for reading.Please read my story the dragon warrior part 2?”
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Sure! While I'm at it, I can read your most recent one too. I'm happy to help people grow.
However, I can't do it at this moment. It might be a while, sorry. BTW, great to see someone so young already passionate about writing! Keep it up!
:)
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Thanks.
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Wow! This is such an ingenious concept. On top of that, your grammar is impeccable and the plot and characters are fascinating. Well done!
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Thank you so much.I am glad you like the characters.Thank you for reading.
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Such a creative concept, wonderful for your age! One tip is to add more description, but overall great idea.
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Thank you for reading.(Would you mind reading my second part)
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Very good story i liked this story amazing
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Thank you for reading.
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This story very very good
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Thank you for reading.
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Flame and his wish for a birthday party made me smile! Even alien-slaying dragon warriors need birthdays
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Thank you for reading.
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Hey, this is really cool! I absolutely love the Dragon Warrior character and how even though all this conflict is going on, what he's really sad about is missing his birthday; he's just so sweet. I also really like how even to the very end it's difficult to say exactly what his intentions are, which keeps it interesting. Great story!
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I am glad you liked Dragon warrior. Thank you for reading.
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Great story! Keep on writinggg!
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Thank you for reading.
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ofcccc
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Nice story!
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Thank you for reading.
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Thanks for asking me to read your story Sahitthian 👍 The first part reminded me a little of Superman. An interesting twist with the Dragon Warrior pretending to betray Earth but then double crossing the Kaals 🤔 Well done! Well done on establishing such a strong following already too 😮 You seem to have the marketing side of writing sorted!
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Thank you for reading.
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Nice story. Keep writing 👌👌👏👏👍👍👍
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Thank you.
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That was a good read!
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Thank you for reading.
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Good work. All the sentences in this story are short. It would be nice if a few longer sentences were put in this story. Also, I want to hear more of the back story of the warrior. You give some, but why does he care about Earthlings or even know he’s no longer on his planet? With Sci-Fi a lot of details are needed. Try reading Douglas Adams. Good start
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Thank you for reading.(would you mind liking my story)
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I thought this was a really interesting story. I really enjoyed reading it! Keep writing, Sahitthian!
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I am glad you enjoyed my story.Thank you for reading.
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Of course!
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Very cute story I enjoyed reading it.
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I am glad you enjoyed the story.Thank you for reading.
(please like my story)
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Sorry, meant to do that. Senior moment lol
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Hey, there, young man. I promised I woud read your story and I did. I think that a part two is a definite necessity. Also, I was wodering if Flame's keychain could turn itno any other things besides the sword? I was thinking it would come in handy as an oxygen tank while he was travelling to earth on the meteor, LOL. You've got a pretty good jump on this for being as young as you are. One of advice I would like to give you, if you don't mind, is download an app called, "Grammarly." It detects a lot of usually overlooked grammar mistakes, as well as comma placemenand misplacement, and it suggests synonyms for words that they detect are being overly used. It's a great app, I love it AND it's free. I hope there's a part two coming soon! XoXo Autumn
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I am glad you liked my story.I will conformily write the second part.
Thank you for reading.(please like my story)
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First off, let me just say I loved the relationship between Flame and the police officers. It didn't feel forced or rushed; it was a genuine friendship and I loved it. There was some amazing character development between them- starting off wary of each other, eventually coming to trust one another, the officers caring enough to throw Flame a birthday party. And, of course, near the end George and the other officers were willing to fight alongside Flame even though they knew there was a slim chance they could succeed. I was so invested in your characters and their interactions/relationships with one another, I was heartbroken when it appeared Flame had betrayed them. You wrote the ending EXTREMELY well, with Flame's ploy and George's emotions. I was so caught up in the story I wished it would keep going. Please keep writing!
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I am glad you loved their relationship. I am glad I wrote the ending well. Thank you for reading. Actually, I write only one story for 2 weeks. If I write, I will let you know. Thank you for reading.
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You are welcome! I look forward to your next story!
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Hey! You asked me to read, so here I am.
This was a great story- I loved Flame. You might want to work on smoother dialogue and other speech words- not just said. Well done overall!
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Thank you for reading.
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Amazing piece of work. It was truly a delight reading it. Looking forwards to reading and enjoying more of your stories... Great work👍
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Thank you for reading.
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Great story! Amazing writing style
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Thank you for reading.
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What a great effort and story. I like the characters and where you took them! "
I always tell people to go back and reread the story at least twice -before submitting. And don't submit to just submit - submit to have your creative voice heard. (Or read in this case.)
And you have a creative voice with so much potential. We all can make suggestions, and give critiques, but at the end of the day - it is how you feel about your story that matters the most. Don't forget that.
With that being said, don't be mad. I did see a few grammar errors during my first read through and when I went back to point them out, I just got flustered over these two paragraphs. I couldn't get past them. Read them - can you seet why?
"It says here he was found inside the meteor which fell this morning. We need to keep him for observation and we need to have police in case he's hostile when he wakes up." The whole police force was called.
My English professor would have been all over this one with two red pens. The complex sentence shouldn't be there. There are some punctuation marks missing that might help give it a pause or two. And then out of the blue, you put "The whole police force was called. That sentence is not attributed to anyone. How do you think you could change it to make it smoother?
"According to the report, he was found inside the meteor that fell this morning," said whomever it was that said this. "Since we don't know what happened to him or where he is mentally, we have called in the whole police force to be on standby in case we can't handle him ... if he gets hostile."
And this one.
Miles was very cautious. Not that he was afraid, just he wanted to be safe. His brow furrowed as he wondered what to do next.
Miles wasn't afraid ... but he was cautious, as he pondered over what to do next to ensure his own safety.
Just some thoughts. But you did good! (If you have time, I would love if you could pick one of my last three, or maybe all three and give me some feedback. We all can learn from each other no matter what are age or experience level is or what our background is!)
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Thank you for taking your time in commenting. I am trying to improve my grammar. Thank you for your suggestions.
I will read it. Would love to.
Thank you for reading,
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Hi sahitthian, what a great storyteller you are. There is a lot in this! My suggestion to you to be to focus on just one thing, and not suggesting you make changes to this story but consider for your next pieces.
For example, the relationship between flame and the police officers, exploring their differences, and allowing them to discover their similarities in an unusual way.
Practice practice practice for all of us :)
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Thank you for your suggestions. I will definitely make use of all that you said. Thank you for reading.(would you mind liking my story?)
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Wow, this is really good. I love how you twisted the prompt to make this story. It was really creative with the Kaals and then the police on Earth. Keep writing!
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I am glad you love my way of twisting. Thank you for reading.
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