Therefore, she suffers so much more

My insurance payment is overdue by more than a week. Buying the clearance chocolate at the grocery store I work at during break is the only thing that kept me remotely sane. It’s called Tony’s. It’s milk chocolate. It was a little too rich, but fine nonetheless. Sleep must’ve done something because I don’t feel the deep ache as much – or at least, if I don’t pay attention to it, it transforms into a dull swell.

My head hurts.

Sebas called me – he says it’s hot in Cali. I say it’s hot here.

It’s a bit more bearable, though still miserable.

Yet, I had enough money for a movie ticket. That’s where the chocolate came in handy.

“One ticket for The Little Mermaid, please."

Eight dollars. I’m a cheap date. A drink too. $6.50 - more than half the entire movie ticket. I never saw a movie by myself. I thought it’d be a brave thing for me to do. The theatre smelled like a 90s basement. It was tiny. Two screens. Two movies. I wore my Disney villains’ shirt specifically for the movie. I always thought Vanessa/Ursula was one of the most admirable villains. I said thanks to the poorly ripped ticket handed to me with a side-eye. It was just Little Mermaid no “The”.

This was the one thing I did for myself today. Leading up to that 12:45 mark. On my way home I realized that without him I can’t think a linear, coherent thought. My cherry coke even sat in the left-hand cup holder. I tried to switch it. It didn’t make sense for me to put it there. I was right-handed. But the more I let it rest in the right-handed cup holder, the worse I felt. I put it back. Used my left-hand to drink from it. I even bought a medium. No, of course I wasn’t going to finish a medium, I imagined it big enough to share. A symbol of a presence that was absent. Our size, sitting in our spot. I even took your sweatshirt with me and I texted you that it was to keep you with me, even if you weren’t here. It was like you’re here with me, I said. You told me that was adorable. Of course, it didn’t make sense, though, I felt that it did.

My thoughts needed to be emptied. Or perhaps, it was my feelings. Jumbled. Jigsaw edged. The second-hand of the clock had stopped spinning today. And I was stuck on it. The way everything felt stuck without him. Ariel felt lost without Eric, too. But they lived happily ever after. I didn’t know where I’d end up – if I was stuck with a tail, I’d want it to be half as pretty as hers, I thought. It was interesting though, the Hans Christian Anderson quote from The Little Mermaid that rolled across the theatre screen as an introduction to Disney’s re-remake: “But a mermaid has no tears, and therefore she suffers so much more.”

I don’t know what I did all summer. Called you, I suppose. I worked, took a summer class, and counted. I counted down each day while I called you.

Did you get my letter? I asked. No, I haven’t gotten it yet. I checked in for weeks. Did you get my letter? You said you haven’t checked but you promise you’ll check tomorrow. Then another tomorrow. You finally received it, eventually. I don’t remember how long I waited but you sent exactly one letter back and in it, you promised to send more.

I love you.

I want you.

I need you.

In the original The Little Mermaid tale, the mermaid offed herself. Sacrificed herself to save Eric. Bubbled up and dissolved into sea foam. Sea foam is also known as ocean foam, beach foam, or spume created by agitation of seawater. A storm rolls across the sea and the ocean is agitated by wind and waves. How did Ariel’s love implode her into a product of the home she left in the name of love? Could we say, though gruesome, she became much more herself than she ever was? She did not just live in her home-ocean any longer, she choose to become it. A tragic return. Willing and unwilling.

That felt more familiar. Not as comfortable as a happy royal wedding at the end, but truer. The tale took on many forms: different worlds collide, sometimes they merge and unite, but most destroy each other.

One must give way to the other.

Ariel is still one of my least favorite Disney princesses. I think she simply wanted freedom, though, for that I pitied her. Eric was a living embodiment of a potential she fell in love with. Ariel sacrificed everything. She loved the Prince so deeply, so thoroughly, so savagely that she transformed into sea foam. Her love, I suppose, was her own special type of storm. Or maybe it was Eric. Or maybe it was her desire to belong to something other than herself.

I kept clutching at your sweater. It’s the same, I thought. It’s like he’s here.

Of course, these were just my thoughts and I would’ve voiced them – I wanted to; but you were just a sweater draped across the seat next to me. It was just the popcorn I couldn’t finish.

The necklace Ursula keeps as leverage is also a mediocre replacement to the fairytale’s truth. The sea witch cut off Ariel’s tongue and gave her legs to walk to Eric. She had no voice. I couldn’t imagine how anyone could fall in love with someone who couldn’t speak.

What are you falling in love with? Who are we without a voice and without a story to tell? How can you fall in love with silence? You’ll never be understood, you’ll only ever be observed.

Maybe she just wanted to be chosen but realized she couldn’t force Eric to choose her. Maybe she thought death was more merciful than abandonment. Maybe leaving was the only way she could save herself. Maybe death was the only way she could live.