The Cost of Returning Home

“Welcome home, Lieutenant. We’re glad to have you back.”

The captain flashes his teeth, and in return I offer a wide grin. Home. When I left this place, I imagined this moment would feel triumph, relief, pride, and accomplishment. I completed my mission and proved to my superiors that I possess the discipline and intelligence required to rise through the ranks. I should feel honored standing here again beneath the sterile lights the captains office.

Instead, all I can think about is him. Without him, this place no longer feels like home. It feels like confinement. A punishment for my deception.

“Let’s begin the briefing. You’ve been gone a long time. Extended travel through space, combined with prolonged exposure to a foreign planet, can negatively affect the psyche. I’d like you to begin weekly evaluations with the health team.”

I nod in agreement, focusing on maintaining my smile while forcing his image from my mind. Meeting him had always been part of the plan in order to gain access to information I needed, but falling for him…I never imagined possible. The wispy organic follicles across the top of his head. The strange uneven coloration of his exterior. The dry, scaly patches covering his appendages. None of it should have appealed to me. Yet his intelligence was undeniable and completely unexpected, especially after the captain warned me not to expect much from the planet’s inhabitants.

“Unfortunately, simple,” were the captain’s exact words.

I found him to be anything but. And what he showed me during my time there was beauty I never expected could exist on a dying planet.

“First things first.” The captain leans back in his seat in a calculated attempt to appear casual. A posture designed to lower my defenses. An unnecessary tactic, considering I already understand what this truly is, an evaluation.

“What is the status of planet Etta TX?”

A lump forms in my throat and I swallow hard, forcing it down before it can smother my words.

“As we suspected, the planet is dying. It will soon become uninhabitable and is in danger of falling out of orbit.”

His smile fades slightly and he releases a long breath. “And once dead it could send itself careening toward us.” He glances downward as though weighing possibilities. “Such a shame. The planet and its creatures had so much potential.”

I nod again, hoping the briefing will end quickly.

“What of the connections you made?”

“Connections, sir?”

“Yes. You lived among the planet’s most intelligent species for an extended period of time. Surely you made some connections.”

I shift uncomfortably in my seat and tug at the fabric of my uniform. The material scratches against me and I don’t remember it ever feeling this restrictive before.

“I found them to be more intelligent than the specimens we previously acquired. As a whole, they are an intensely social species who celebrate recurring occasions, develop ritualized customs, and maintain social bonds despite ideological incompatibility.”

The captain’s eyes narrow slightly. “That differs greatly from our existing research. Another reason isolated specimens proved insufficient. Immersion has clearly yielded more accurate observations. I look forward to reviewing the in-depth analysis contained within the diaries you kept.”

My insides clench at the mention of the diaries. He is mentioned throughout them. Too many times. Will the captain recognize what happened between us? How did I describe him during those first entries? Did my attachment reveal itself before I even realized it existed?

“In consideration of this new information, we’ve decided to retrieve a sample of the species for further study and possible repopulation should we determine them redeemable.”

My eyes widen and my jaw parts slightly. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that since you are now our foremost authority on these creatures, we’d like you to lead the selection process. We’ve approved the retrieval of two hundred specimens to ensure sufficient genetic diversity should repopulation become necessary.”

My thoughts spin at the implications of this new assignment and that it could mean seeing him again.

“We’ve located an alternative planet capable of supporting their organic matter?”

The captain smiles again, leaning forward this time. “You aren’t the only one who’s been busy. We currently have three candidate planets under consideration. All possess benefits and drawbacks. One is emerging as a strong contender. However, if we determine the species will only destroy this new gift the same way they destroyed the world they currently inhabit, then I’m afraid this entire endeavor will have been pointless.”

The words leave my mouth before I fully comprehend the weight of the assignment.

“I accept.”

Hope surges through me and for the first time since returning home, I feel something other than despair.

“Wonderful. I expect your list of candidates by the end of the day.”

“The end of the day?”

“Of course. Given your report regarding the planet’s instability, we cannot afford further delay. We must act quickly and have it destroyed.”

Destroyed, and I can only save two hundred.

“Lieutenant?”

“Yes.” My eyes lock with his. “I will have the list to you within the hour.”

He brightens and rises from his seat. “Excellent. Good work.”

He leaves the room and before long I find myself entering names into the command system, selecting candidates based on genetic viability, immune diversity, and psychological stability. I make certain not to type his name first. If anyone reviews my diary entries too carefully and then notices his name at the top of the retrieval list, it could attract the wrong kind of attention.

Once the list is complete, I submit it and return to my temporary living quarters. There, alone, I allow my thoughts to wander toward an impossible future where he and I share a residence here on my home planet the same way we shared one on his. I deliberately omitted those details from my diaries. Cohabitation with planetary inhabitants is strictly forbidden. It is the first rule of infiltration to not become attached to your assignment.

The next phase unfolds far more quickly than I anticipated. Motivated by the survival of our species, the captain secures authorization to proceed with the destruction of planet Etta TX within days. The specimens selected from my list arrive shortly afterward and remain under quarantine for seventy-two hours. Knowing he is somewhere within the same compound while being unable to see him feels unbearable.

But today changes that because today I am granted authorization to enter the restricted quarantine area of command where the specimens are being housed. The lead scientists have kept them sedated throughout preliminary examinations and testing procedures. Today they will finally be awakened. Today I will see him again for the first time since I left.

“Lieutenant.”

The captain waits for me outside the quarantine wing. “Exciting day, isn’t it?”

“It certainly is, sir.” I fail to suppress my smile as he swipes his clearance card through the locking mechanism, granting us access to the restricted area.

“We’ve isolated each specimen individually to prevent panic. I apologize for requesting this, but we’d like you to resume your infiltration presentation. We believe a familiar visual form will reduce distress among the specimens.”

Something tightens inside my body. I’m going to see him again. Not as an observer, but as myself.

I twist my expression into false reluctance. “I’ll do it, since it benefits the mission.”

The captain flashes his teeth again. “Thank you, Lieutenant. I understand it isn’t pleasant.”

The rough fabric of my uniform suddenly feels unbearable as memories of the organic cloaking device flood back into me. Once activated, I watch the cloaking mechanism spread across my body in slow living waves, reshaping my exterior into the familiar form of the species from Etta TX, and for the first time since returning home, I feel whole again.

The doors to his room slide open and I step inside immediately sucking in a breath. He lies motionless on a narrow medical cot in a sterile empty room. A thin garment covers only the front of his body, fastened loosely around his appendages. I sit carefully beside him and wrap my hand around his, squeezing three times. It’s our signal, the one we created together whenever we needed to communicate silently. His eyes flutter slowly, then rapidly as consciousness returns. The moment he fully wakes, panic overtakes him. His eyes widen and his breathing accelerates. He is frightened.

Keeping one hand wrapped around his, I lift the other and place my palm gently against his face.

“Ssshhh. It’s okay,” I whisper softly.

His breathing gradually slows.

“You…you left me.”

The words barely escape him, but they hit with enough force to shatter something inside me. Emotion floods through my body and tears fill my eyes before slipping down my face.

“I didn’t want to. Believe me. I’m sorry.”

His expression softens and slowly he raises his hand to my face, wiping away one of my tears with careful fingers.

We remain like that for a moment. Then suddenly his hand jerks away, his eyes dart wildly around the room, the sterile walls, the sealed doors, the dark observation panel embedded in the wall.

“Where are we?” His voice comes out rough and strained.

A small compartment in the wall opens, revealing a glass of water. I retrieve it and hand it to him before sitting beside him once more.

“I’ll explain everything. Trust me.”

He accepts the glass cautiously, his hands trembling as water spills down his chin while he drinks desperately.

A voice suddenly cuts through the room. We’re being observed.

“Ask him what he remembers before he was brought here.”

He startles violently at the unfamiliar language.

Anger flashes through me at the intrusion and I turn toward the observation panel where I know the captain and senior officers are watching.

“He needs time to adjust,” I say sharply. “Allow me to do this on my own.”

When I look back at him, his expression is filled with horror and he shrinks away from me.

My worst fear instantly becomes reality as it's apparent that he is afraid of me.

“Let’s start over.” I steady my voice knowing this may be my only opportunity, I decide to tell him everything. Even knowing the captain is listening, I tell him about my home, my mission, meeting him, falling in love with him, and the agony of leaving him behind. I deliberately leave out the part about destroying his planet for the safety of the universe. Surprisingly, he takes the confession calmly. He says very little. Instead, he slowly shifts upright and reaches for my hand again, not with certainty, but with trust he is trying desperately to hold onto.

“Show me,” he says quietly.

A smile spreads across my face despite everything.

This is who I fell in love with. Understanding above all else.

I nod. “Yes. I’ll show you.”

The wall compartment opens once more, this time revealing a uniform modified for his body structure. Once dressed, he takes my hand again and together we walk through the doors into the facility. No personnel reveal themselves, an unspoken agreement that I am responsible for easing him into his new surroundings.

We move through the corridors side by side until we pass central command where a massive visual display of Etta TX glows across the screen.

“What’s in there?”

I squeeze his hand three times. “Nothing you need to worry about. I want to show you my quarters.”

I suppress the urge to say our quarters.

Suddenly he stops walking and his grip tightens.

Concerned, I release him and place my hand against his back. “What’s wrong?”

He presses a palm against his temple, breathing hard, and his eyes drift toward the command center where Etta TX burns brightly across the display.

Then he looks at me and his eyes narrow in pain. Without warning, he drives his head forward into mine with enough force to send me stumbling backward into the wall. Pain explodes through my skull. Before I can recover, both of his palms slam into my chest and throw me violently against the corridor wall. I collapse to the floor in agony as a high-pitched siren erupts overhead, flooding my ears with shrill ringing.

He runs straight toward central command.

I don’t know how, but somehow he manages to override the automatic pocket doors, sealing himself inside moments before security forces arrive racing down the corridor.

Their weapons are raised ready to sedate the threat.

“No!” I shout.

They freeze immediately, waiting for orders. This is still my mission. I am still in control. The door contains a circular observation window and I stumble toward it, peering inside. He stands motionless before the massive display screen, staring at the glowing image of Etta TX. His shoulders sag.

I pound against the sealed door, begging him to let me in. Slowly, he turns toward me. His eyes are bloodshot and tears stream down his face. Then it happens. The boom reverberates through the facility. Our eyes lock just as terror floods his expression and he turns back toward the screen, toward Earth as it explodes into dust and fragments of shattered rock.

A broken sound escapes him. It's a muffled, animal like wail, and he collapses to his knees.

The captain finally arrives beside me and overrides the locking system with his clearance card. The doors slide open and I lunge toward him while armed officers flood into the room behind me, surrounding us both.

I drop to my knees beside him and reach for him, desperate to hold him, but he violently shoves me away, throwing himself backward across the floor to put distance between us.

“You blew it up,” he chokes out. “You blew up my family…my friends…”

His voice breaks, “My home.”