Letting Go

Sunlight, fractured by morning mist, illuminated a secluded Napa Valley vineyard. Here, Robert Jenkins, confined to a wheelchair, revisited the hallowed ground where he had pledged his love to his beloved wife, Cheryl two and a half decades earlier. However, a year earlier, the memory clawed at him; a tempestuous night in Tacoma, a rain-slicked road, and a furious argument, the details now lost in the fog of trauma. Driving their Mercedes, he’d lost control, the car becoming a projectile hurtling into a tree at a devastating speed. The impact shattered their lives. Cheryl, ejected through the windshield, perished instantly. Robert, his legs mangled beneath the wreckage, remained barely alive. Rescuers, after a desperate struggle, freed him, but at a terrible cost: his legs were sacrificed to save his life. His frantic pleas for news of Cheryl were met with the crushing weight of her death. The agony of his last words, a cruel, heartless outburst, "Shut up! I know what I'm doing!" haunted him, a relentless torment. Now, surrounded by the beauty that mocked his despair, he sat on the precipice of ending his own life, the ghost of his love a constant, unbearable ache.

The sun's ascent painted the vineyard in glorious hues, its rays piercing the verdant rows, dispelling the lingering morning mist. Lost in the breathtaking panorama, Robert clutched a flawlessly polished piece of amber, a sacred relic holding a strand of Cheryl's hair, a keepsake from his beloved, now gone. This treasured token unlocked a flood of poignant recollections, transporting him back to a life brimming with their shared joy. He recounted the day when he proposed to Cheryl twenty-five years ago when he was handsome, vibrant young man just out of college, and she was an image of perfection whose smile could brighten any dark moment. Robert remembered his anxiety as he was about to profess his undying love and admiration, hoping and praying for a positive response. He recalled how his entire body trembled as he took a knee grabbing Cheryl's hand ever so delicately asking her to join him in the bonds of marriage for eternity. His eyes blossomed as she responded with a resounding, "Yes, you fool, of course, I will marry you!" as he sprung from his kneeled position lifting her up and spinning her around in unbridled happiness.

The brimming tears welled in Robert's eyes as his gaze fell upon his amputated legs, a searing brand of culpability etched onto his flesh. That catastrophic Tacoma night, a consequence of his actions, now haunted him with the agonizing question: Was he even worthy of life? Clutching tightly to the amber, a tangible link to the past, Robert relived cherished moments shared with his adored Cheryl, each detail, sharp and poignant, a testament to their profound connection. The memory of their lakeside nuptials at Shasta, framed by majestic peaks, returned to him. The breathtaking landscape, though stunning, paled beside his bride's incandescent beauty. Their inaugural dance, a whirl to Lionel Richie and Diana Ross's "Endless Love," remains indelibly etched in his mind, a passionate testament to two souls, inextricably bound for all time. The ghastly sight of his amputated limbs instantly extinguished any flicker of happiness, plunging Robert into an abyss of bleak despair. The crushing weight of hopelessness settled upon him, leaving him questioning the very justification of his continued existence.

Overwhelmed by a torrent of grief, Robert's eyes overflowed, salty tears tracing a path down his weathered cheeks. From his pocket, he produced a small .38 caliber pistol from his pocket, placing it deliberately on his lap. His fingers, however, remained clasped around the piece of amber, a tangible link to a past brimming with joy. His mind drifted to their Hawaiian honeymoon, the ocean's gentle caress a fleeting respite from life's harsh realities, a shared haven with his beloved Cheryl. Anniversary trips consisting of Las Vegas's glittering spectacle, Miami's sun-drenched shores, and the timeless elegance of London and Paris, unfurled like a cinematic reel in his memory. The Bahamian cruise, a particular highlight, shimmered vividly, its idyllic scenes a stark contrast to his present despair. As these precious recollections flooded his consciousness, his sorrow intensified. His grip tightened, the pistol in one hand, the amber, an emotional keepsake, in the other, one a symbol of a love irretrievably lost, and the other providing a potential end to his guilt-ridden pain and suffering.

As Robert contemplated his decision between life and death, he envisioned his fondest and most cherished memory with Cheryl, the birth of their daughter, Elizabeth. He recalled holding her in his arms for the first time in the hospital just moments after her arrival. He remembered praying to God for guidance and wisdom to enable him to be a father Elizabeth could be proud of. He marveled at the spectacle of life created by him and Cheryl. He had never loved anyone as much as he loved his wife and daughter. He vividly recalled watching Elizabeth mature together with Cheryl from a precious baby to a beautiful young lady just beginning to realize her true potential. He recounted trips to Disneyland and various other fun packed family vacations. He remembered how the three of them would just enjoy each other's company just sitting by the fireplace playing games like Candyland and Monopoly, eventually leading to more challenging games like Trivial Pursuit and Scattegories as Elizabeth grew older. Each moment spent with his beloved family was truly a blessing from heaven above. He remembered walking Elizabeth down the aisle on her wedding day in a pristine small chapel in Eastern Washington, Elizabeth's radiance mirrored Cheryl's on the day her and Robert exchanged the sacred vows of marriage. He remembered the joyful pride dancing with Cheryl at the reception. However, the precious memories were short-lived as Robert recalled the fateful night of the accident and Elizabeth's enraged response when he had the dreadful task of informing her of the details behind Cheryl's untimely death. The screams of, "I hate you, Dad! You killed Mom! I never want to see you again!" echoed in his mind as painful reminder as he recalled Elizabeth running away from him as he tried to embrace her never to be seen again, and that on that night, he just didn't lose his beloved wife, but he lost his family as well. The painful recollection was too painful for him to bear as he raised the pistol from his lap pointing it to his temple, trembling as his finger slowly wrapped itself around the trigger. Robert closed his tear-filled eyes, took a deep sigh, and gently began to squeeze the trigger. The crushing weight of his wife's death, a consequence of his own hand, and the irreparable fracture of his bond with Elizabeth, his daughter, proved unbearable. Robert's capacity for self-forgiveness had finally, irrevocably, shattered.

A metallic click, the hammer falling harmlessly, pierced the tense silence. Simultaneously, a heart-wrenching scream tore through the air, "Dad! No! Please!" Robert's failure to chamber a round had rendered his weapon inert; the desperate plea belonged to Elizabeth, her frantic figure a blur as she hurtled toward him, a desperate plea etched upon her face, her anguished cries a testament to his failed suicidal intent.

As Elizabeth arrived at her father's side, she swiftly snatched the pistol from his grasp, flinging it onto the uneven stones. Then, in a desperate embrace, she murmured into Robert's ear, her voice choked with anguish, "Dad, please, don't do this. I love you. I've already endured the unbearable.

"But I thought you hated me and wanted nothing to do with me," Robert replied wrapping his arms around his daughter, reciprocating her embrace.

The news of Mom's tragic accident left me wounded and consumed by rage, Dad," Elizabeth confided, her voice thick with emotion. "My resentment towards you was a destructive fire, scorching my marriage and threatening to obliterate it. I knew I had to extinguish that inferno, to find genuine absolution. Seeking solace and spiritual guidance, I embraced the sanctuary of the church, where the transformative power of God's grace, revealed through Christ, finally set my spirit free."

"So, what are you trying to tell me?" Robert inquired; his eyes filled with tears cascading down his cheeks like a waterfall.

"Dad, I realized that you were in just as much pain as I was at the time of Mom's death," Elizabeth answered, her eyes filled with tears also, "and blaming you was wrong. I had forgotten and blocked the memories of how great of a father you are. So, I want you to know that I forgive you, Dad, and more importantly, God forgives you. I just hope that you can forgive me as well."

After hearing his daughter's heartfelt words of forgiveness, Robert simply replied, "Baby girl, there is nothing to forgive. I have and always will love you with all my heart and soul. Your presence, at this precise moment, has miraculously alleviated the crushing weight of guilt that has suffocated me for the past year, a burden so profound it had driven me to the brink of self-destruction."

"Dad, I have some great news to share with you," Elizabeth proclaimed, wiping the tears from her eyes, "Not only has my marriage to Jason been reconciled, but I am expecting a baby girl in the next few months. You're going to be a grandfather, and we have decided to name her, 'Cheryl,' after Mom. Therefore, she can continue to live through us, and this expected baby girl."

"Just when I couldn't think of any more reason to live," Robert declared, his eyes now consumed with tears of joy, "you inform me of my impending granddaughter. I couldn't be any happier than I am right at this moment. I wish your mother could be here to enjoy this moment with us."

"Mom is here with us, Dad," Elizabeth responded, 'She is always with us. She's in our hearts and memories, and I know she's up in Heaven smiling down upon us right now."

"You couldn't be more right," Robert stated, as he realized he was still clutching onto the amber containing Cheryl's strand of hair, "and to celebrate this occasion, I have the perfect gift for you, but you must promise to give it to my granddaughter when she is old enough to understand it's meaning."

"Of course, Dad, what is it?" Elizabeth inquired.

"It's a polished piece of amber containing a strand of your mother's hair," Robert answered, reveling the precious artifact he had held on to so tightly during his internal conflict, "It was an anniversary gift given to me by your mother many years ago. This is the sole reason why my attempt to create my own demise abruptly failed. Somehow, your mother up in Heaven, along with God's divine intervention, knew that I had a purpose to live, and that purpose is you and soon-to-be Baby Cheryl. Now let's go home."

"Okay, Dad," Elizabeth replied as she now stood behind her father wheeling him towards the exit of the vineyard as the sun was now beginning to set.

"One last thing, before we depart, how did you know I would be here today?" Robert inquired with profound curiosity.

"Mom spoke to me through God and told me," Elizabeth quickly responded as she continued to wheel her father towards the vineyard's exit.

Over the next few months, Robert eventually moved in with his daughter Elizabeth and her husband, Jason, where he got to witness the birth of his precious granddaughter, Cheryl, who was a mirror image of his beloved wife. Robert never forgot that day in the vineyard, where he learned about the true power of forgiveness through the love of God and Jesus Christ and became the best grandfather baby Cheryl could ever have.