Captain’s Log

Captain’s Log, Day 1:

I’m only calling this journal ‘Captain’s Log’ because “Dear Diary” just doesn’t sound nearly as cool. If you’re finding this journal, I’m probably around here somewhere, so please look for me.

Just to be clear, I’m not the captain of anything. In fact, I’m a chef—not a great chef. I have ‘potential’ and ‘a lot of heart.’ I like to believe that should count for something, but who knows for sure.

This job was supposed to be easy: make food, find new recipes from new planets as I explored new worlds, and make a name for myself in the cooking community. My childhood dream was to explore the universe and see new worlds. My adult goal was to become a famous baker, and I figured, why not combine them?

Since I was not yet born when the first extraterrestrial life came to Earth, I was raised watching the ships port in and take off from the intergalactic space travel station. I remember staying up late into the night, watching the ships zoom in and out like shooting stars.

I once heard from my great-grandmother that if you wished on a shooting star, it was destined to come true. What she didn't tell me is that destiny isn’t always what I imagined.

I remember, clear as day, 16-year-old me, mad at my parents for grounding me. For the life of me, I can’t remember what I did to get grounded. However, I do remember looking up at the 'shooting stars' through my bedroom window, and my wish was clear, even if it was supposed to be sarcastic: “I wish, I wish with all my heart, that I will leave this planet and live far away from this place. Honestly, a rock would be better!”

Well, if this isn’t the universe giving me exactly what I want.

This is my seventeenth voyage to space. The rules are very clear: be on the ship on time, or be left behind. It is almost impossible for them to have a solid headcount on who comes and goes, so how would they even know who stayed? I am likely going to end up being a legend that parents tell their children to scare them into not wandering off too far.

I fell asleep on a rock while daydreaming about the custard tart I was going to make for tomorrow’s dessert buffet. Part of the reason I took the job was so that I could explore different places in the world, so I have made it a point to explore every tourist spot I can—even asteroids. Since I have seen it all before, multiple times, and everything has lost that ‘charm’ that comes with seeing anything new, I decided to try to get some work done on the asteroid mining adventure. I brought my food journal to plan out the dessert buffet and apparently fell asleep on this freaking rock.

At least I know they are coming back; it’s a 24-day cruise. They go back and forth between Earth and Omega 7. We were heading from Earth to Omega 7. This was our 10th day, then 3 days for fuel and rest, and 10 days back. All I have to do is figure out how to survive here for the next 24 days. Easy, right?

Well. I guess I’d better get off my ass and go see if anything but me is living on this forsaken rock.

Signing off,

Captain Sleeps A Lot

Captain’s Log, Day 2:

Well, I survived the night. It is cold, but the insulated suits that the ship gives us for space travel seem to be holding up. I don’t remember how long they are rated to last, but I am hoping that it is at least a month.

The oxygenator is holding up too, although I have almost ripped it out of my nose five times due to the irritation and constant itching.

More good news: that class I took in culinary school, Human Space Food: What Is Edible and What Is Not, has come in handy. When I get back on the ship, I will have to call my father and tell him that he can’t complain about the cost of that credit again. That class was made for someone being lost in space on a random old rock.

I remember some lectures about humans hundreds of years ago going to a crap ton of asteroid belts and planting some random Earth greens and root vegetables everywhere. You know, because the people on Earth before us really destroyed the soil with microplastics and pollution.

Some super-smart scientist people from NASA figured out how to create a machine that would melt the ice crystals floating around these belts, and when the asteroids fly near an ice-crystal path, it simulates rain. Needing sun rays turned out not to be a problem once we learned that other planets’ food didn’t need our sun to grow. They simply spliced that part of the plant’s DNA into ours and—voilà—food.

Of course, this was a huge success. Humans and other creatures from many planets can eat this stuff, which opens us up to intergalactic trade. Planting on the surface of asteroids became outdated about a hundred years ago when we moved it to the moon for convenience and control. Can’t let people steal the food we created with our technology to profit from. What does that mean for me? I have food, water, and zero chance of anyone else coming to get me.

Well, two days down and 22 to go.

Signing off,

Captain Lucky Pants

Captain’s Log, Day 4:

Things are getting easier for survival. I know what to do; however, things are getting harder in other ways. I keep talking to rocks and humming this song that used to play on the radio when I was a child. I haven’t thought about that song in years, but the other day, while I was roaming around trying to distract myself from the silence, it just popped into my head along with a bunch of memories of my mother driving me to school.

Looking back, I see that time so differently now. As a child, school was difficult. I remember the kids being mean and then coming home and taking it out on anyone in my way. That is actually how I started cooking. I would come home, feel bad, and just start making bread and pies or whatever I could with the ingredients around the house. The more I cooked, the more ingredients started showing up—different fruits, sugars, and herbs. I didn't think much of it then, but I know now it was my mom supporting the only way she knew how. My parents would eat everything, even the bad dishes. They never complained, and everyone was happier in that house.

Maybe I should call home and apologize for that time. Or maybe just go home for the holidays this year. If I don’t accidentally die on this stupid rock over the next 20 days, I promise I will call them.

Signing off,

Captain Missing My Mommy

Captain’s Log, Day 7:

One week. One week alone. I don’t think I have ever been alone for a week. People are always around to talk to, to judge you, and to love you. Being utterly alone, the only humanoid around, is a whole new experience.

I have slept so much that I didn’t realize how overworked and overwhelmed I have been. I have eaten so many different vegetables that I have never been able to get my hands on before. I even came up with a whole month’s menu to try on the ship. Sometimes I lay and looked up into the sky for hours. Honestly, so far, this wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the no-shower thing and the rock bed.

It has “rained” a few times, but that just made me colder than normal. It did help with the smell, though. Without being able to really shower, clean my hair, and wash my clothes, I am just feeling gross. I can’t believe that I have to do this for over two more weeks. The only good news is that there is no way more ick can get on me.

Signing off,

Captain Stinky Pits

Captain’s Log, Day 10:

There is so much more ick on me now.

I kind of lost my mind yesterday. Not literally, obviously. I still have a head, but mentally. Ten days of quiet. Ten days of talking to rocks. Ten days of being utterly alone. I screamed into the sky for hours.

My most embarrassing moments in life won’t stop coming up in my mind. “Remember when you were 15 and snuck out of your house to see a boy, and your parents caught you?” “What about that time you had to read that poem you wrote in English class in the 8th grade, and you wrote a love poem for your best friend of five years, and it was so obviously about him that he was so unnerved he never talked to you again?”

They just keep coming. Every time I have done anything wrong, it just circles in my mind over and over again. I finally gave up trying to turn off the noise and decided to drown it out. I found the solution to make my mind shut up: screaming. All you have to do is scream louder than the thoughts in your head. I have been lying here in this field of genetically altered potatoes that taste like rocks and sadness, screaming for hours. My throat is sore, and my body feels like it is on fire.

Is this what it means to be alone? To have to live with the thoughts inside your head all the time? How do people who run away from society do this? Everything we have at home is a distraction. I miss it so much—mind-numbing TV shows, books about worlds that don’t exist, even work. It is all just needed distraction from having to peek inside our minds.

In between the thoughts of falling down in the grocery store and knocking over that display of canned goods and that one time I fell on a public toilet by not paying enough attention to see if the lid was down, I have been thinking about monks. They live in silence all the time, and they enjoy it. I don’t see how they can do it. I have only been doing this for ten days, and if I stop talking to rocks or screaming into the sky, I feel like I am going to implode. I hear they meditate. Maybe I should try that.

Signing off,

Captain Scratchy Throat

Captain’s Log, Day 12:

Meditation is stupid. That weird humming noise they make doesn’t keep the thoughts from bubbling up. They just keep coming and coming. Now that I have thought about all the embarrassing things I have ever done in my life, I have switched it up to thinking about the horrible things I have done.

Every lie I have ever told. That time when I was a teenager and wanted to be “cool,” so I tried stealing and then felt so bad about it that I had to hide the evidence in a box of shame that stayed in the back of my closet for years until I threw it away. I never did use that nail polish.

Between the embarrassment cycle and these newfound “horrible person” loops my brain keeps playing, even the sound of my screams won’t drown it all out. Instead of screaming now, I am just listing out loud the things I will never take for granted again: talking to friends, a phone call, my job, a bed, a warm shower, TV, and a good book. Twelve more days and I can finally get away from this rock and never leave the comfort of modern-day society again. I finally understand the distractions. It isn’t just the boredom of having nothing to do; I don’t want to hear my inner voice tell me all the things I have done wrong anymore.

Signing off,

Captain Horrible Thief

Captain’s Log, Day 15:

The memories in my head are starting to fade. Yesterday, I was sitting in my favorite green patch after the “rainstorm,” and instead of just screaming at the rocks to get a memory to stop, I actually asked myself a question: “Why am I even still thinking about this?” That question really made me start thinking. What was I upset about? Why does this only come up when I am alone? I figured out that I was angry, and then, when I just let myself be angry, eventually all that anger faded, and then I was sad. The sadness was annoying, but I got over it.

It took a while, but all these new emotions keep coming up about this one time I tripped on stage during my 3rd grade play, and instead of ignoring the feelings or distracting myself with good food, TV shows, or whatever random stuff I buy to not feel anything, I just felt it. I felt it all.

The craziest thing happened after that: I no longer feel embarrassed. I can recall the memory without wanting to cry. It is now just a thing that happened to me, and I feel nothing about it. I wonder if I can do this for all these memories that keep coming up. I mean, I have nothing but time for the next week.

Signing off,

Captain So Many Stupid Emotions

Captain’s Log, Day 18:

Well, mentally, I feel lighter than I have in ages. I am covered in ick. I can’t wait for a shower. Some nice hot water and soap, and then a bed. I might sleep for three days when I get back on that ship.

I figured I likely won’t have a job after this little “vacation” of mine. That is fine by me. Living on this rock for over 20 days is more than enough time for me to be in space for the rest of all eternity, which is honestly poetic timing, considering the fact that I remembered something insane while I was feeling my emotions in the green patch again last night.

I wanted to have a bakery and then teach people how to bake the recipes I created. That was all I ever talked about as a teenager and even through culinary school. All I wanted to do was bake treats, bread, and scones. Drink coffee, enjoy a simple life, showing the world that food can be wonderfully delicious even when everything else feels like it is falling down around you. Turns out, I just let my life fall down around me and dropped my dreams along the way.

I only ever remember wanting to be some big, famous chef. Looking back now, I can see that isn’t what I wanted at all. I just wanted to bake. The fame chasing came later. I know dreams change, and goals evolve, but I think I lost my vision. I lost what I was doing and why I was doing it. Oh, to just bake again for the fun of it.

Huh, is this what a spiritual epiphany is?

Signing off,

Captain Totally Getting Fired

Captain’s Log, Day 23:

Tomorrow is the day. They will be here early; people normally spend all day on this stupid rock. I call it a stupid rock, but really, this place has become special. Special in a way that means that it has definitely shaped my life in a whole new way, but I will never, ever be coming back here.

I have spent the last few days thinking, coming to terms with my past and my emotions, and letting go of it all. The best part of being here is that now I remember who I was. I remember who I wanted to be before teachers, friends, parents, and social norms told me who I was supposed to be. I hate working on cruise ships. I love space, but I don’t want to freaking live in it.

I made a plan. I am going to go home. I am going to live with my family or maybe some friends, and I am going to find a storefront and open a bakery that serves food from 6 a.m. to 3 p.m., and then have classes on weekends in the evening, teaching people how to make food that is out of this world.

Also, I get to shower in the morning!

Signing off,

Captain Finally Going Home

Captain’s Log, Day 24 (Final Entry):

I have been on the ship for two hours. I spent 45 minutes in the hottest, most amazing shower of my life. I then spent 30 minutes with the captain. First, he was really mad, and then he laughed a lot when he found out I was fine, and then he fired me. I have to spend the next day in the hospital room to make sure I am not going to die from anything like dehydration or some gross disease from the ick. It is also likely to make sure I am okay mentally.

Honestly, getting fired was the best-case scenario for me. They must finish paying out my contract, which still has 15 more voyages on it. This gives me a nice buffer while I sort out life and find my bakery space on Earth. Plus, I get to spend the next 10 days heading back to Earth, actually enjoying the cruise for once. You know, after I call my parents.

Signing off (for the last time),

Captain Told You I Was Totally Fired