Eureka Springs

Helen was unhappy. An irritable unhappiness. The winding streets through her Ozark town annoyed her. The Victorian houses seemed to mock her. The friendliness of the people grated her nerves. Helen had made decisions that had brought her to this point. Diligently pondered and logical decisions that had been selected with the utmost care. This idyllic, predictable life that had once brought her prosperity and peace now taunted her with betrayal and bitterness.

Helen had lived this quiet existence for a decade. This small town that had once enchanted her now drained her. Friends had drifted in and out, goals had been reached then destroyed and there was nothing left here for Helen. She had thought she was on the right path, the right course and that, eventually, her decisions would pay off. And while it came very close, it never did happen. It seemed that she was always one decision away from happiness.

Helen was tired of making decisions that led nowhere. She wondered what it would be like to live a life in which she had no decisions to make. If there was a way for decisions to be made without her assistance. A thought occurred to her.

Opening her phone, Helen typed “horoscopes” and opened the first website that populated the screen. It turned out that she was a Scorpio. You learn something new every day. She clicked on her daily horoscope.

You are pursuing excellence. Your family and friends make great distractions, but you must keep your focus.

Impressive. Whoever wrote that is right. Helen had been disappointed time and time again by not just her friends but her family. That is the betrayal that stung the most. Her sister and mother seemed to be thick as thieves. Helen wasn’t able to join their secret society. She had plans to go home for the weekend, but she didn’t really want to and if she stayed in town, she could actually get some work done. Helen quickly texted her parents and sister her apologies. She had hoped that there would be a sense of disappointment that she wouldn’t be there. Instead the replies were quick and succinct: No worries. Enjoy your weekend!

Before she lost her motivation, Helen crafted a list of projects that could, theoretically, be achieved this weekend. A wall that needed to be painted, a few plants in the garden that needed tending and a book that needed to be read. Quiet luxuries.

By Sunday evening, Helen felt refreshed and relaxed. The twinge of guilt for not visiting her family would pass. She felt as though she had actually accomplished a few goals. It had been a long time since she felt this degree of satisfaction.

Wednesday morning was cool and foggy. As the fog lifted, so did Helen’s cluttered thoughts. She had worked as a paralegal for 10 years but what was she doing? What was she achieving? Helen scoffed at the idea that she had made good decisions. Here she was, 42 years old, a paralegal with nothing to show for her life. Helen didn’t mind navigating life on her own. Helen minded that her life seemed to have continued on the same track, with nothing new, in over a decade. Every day was the same. Over and over. Helen thought about the weekend and how accomplished she felt. That’s the feeling that she wanted to chase. She opened her laptop and found her daily horoscope.

Your working life is positive but could be at odds with your dreams.

True again. Helen had sat aside her dream of being an artist aside to study the more logical, and reasonable, path. Helen quickly learned the necessary skills of a paralegal and got a job. It wasn’t that Helen didn’t enjoy her job, she actually did, but the choices she made were the ones that would result in the most logical, steady, and recession-proof profession possible.

The problem with decisions is that the choices made often reflect the perceived goal, not what the individual truly desires.

Helen decided to take a week off from work. She rarely took time so although it was surprising, it wasn’t frowned upon. Helen spent the first few days in a manic state of painting. Her furniture was draped with protective cloths and no less than five easels filled the room with various sizes of canvases. The painting styles were scattered: two realism, one impressionism, one pointillism and one abstract. The colors were as varied as the styles. Bold and vivid in one painting and demure and muted in another. She fluttered between the paintings like a frantic butterfly.

Halfway through her vacation, Helen’s mother dropped by. Surprised, Helen couldn’t help but wonder if maybe her absence from the gathering had finally created a bit of attention for herself. Maybe her family had finally missed her presence instead of taking it for granted.

Instead, Helen’s mother chastised her for not being a more considerate member of the family. Helen’s mother, father, and sister had all tried to call her for the past two days. The phone had rang and rang and rang and then gone to voicemail. Admittedly, Helen hadn’t seen her phone in days. When her mother finished talking, Helen didn’t know what to say so she responded with the only acceptable answer: I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. Her mother’s look of concern slightly relaxed into compassion as she explained to Helen that she loved her, but Helen needed to remember that she was part of the family, too, and that came with responsibilities whether she liked it or not. With that, she left.

Not everyone thinks the way you do. It seems that the others are stuck in the dark ages. Focus on yourself.

Returning to work, Helen couldn’t believe how discombobulated the office had become in a week. There were only two attorneys, it was a father and son operation. Her desk was stacked with files and Post-It notes piled up asking Helen to print this document or scan this paper. The attorneys could not, or would not, learn to use simple technology. She couldn’t agree more with her horoscope: These people are stuck in the dark ages. Her mother was stuck in the dark ages, too. These expectations placed upon her children were unrealistic and the pressure was unbearable.

Frustrated, Helen took a moment to get a cup of coffee and check her email. After that, she checked her horoscope.

Self-employment should be considered; your social circle is expanding.

Interesting. Helen had daydreamed many times of being self-employed. Being her own boss, setting her own hours. For the first time, Helen began to seriously consider this option. She could work as a virtual assistant. Helen spent the rest of the day sitting at her desk, pondering the idea of leaving. These attorneys take her for granted. They didn’t appreciate her. She thought about a trial run. After applying to a few jobs, Helen got a virtual assistant position. She simultaneously worked both jobs. For a week or so, things seemed to go fine but then, well, things didn’t go fine.

Change is uncomfortable, embrace change.

It became obvious that Helen was distracted. Minor mistakes were happening here and there and if something wasn’t done, minor mistakes eventually become major mistakes. Deadlines were missed. Documents were not prepared correctly. Her once perfect work was becoming noticeably messy. Her boss told her to take a week off. This time, the week was unpaid and she needed to decide if she wanted to come back. Helen held tight the words of her horoscope. Change is uncomfortable, embrace change.

Helen hadn’t heard from her family in almost a month. When she reached out, her mother was happy to hear from her and invited her to dinner. Helen went and enjoyed herself. It was nice seeing everyone. Then the conversation turned to her job. Helen skirted the issues until her father revealed that he had heard about the situation through the grapevine.

Her parents were stunned. Her sister looked down. Their emotions jarred Helen. For the first time in weeks, she realized that her actions, no matter how positive for her, affected those around her negatively. Since her exploration into the World of No Decision Making, she hadn’t factored in how this would affect others. This is how: Because regardless of choosing to live in a fantasy, it doesn’t negate the fact that reality still exists.

After dinner, Helen drove home. It was time to return to reality. The next morning, she quit her virtual assistant job. She called her boss. Amends were made. Helen returned to work.

The peace that had been absent in Helen’s life returned. Making decisions to please others is just as asinine as making rash decisions to please yourself.