Happy Anniversary!

Bill pushes open the kitchen door and is greeted by the heavenly aroma of fresh-baked cookies. He steps beside his mother and kisses her on the cheek. He inhales deeply before greeting her. “Hi, Ma! It sure smells good in here!” When he grabs a cookie, he receives a sharp whack with the spatula and drops it again.

“ Hands off! Those are for the church bake sale!” barks his mother, suppressing a smile.

“Oh, come on. They won’t miss one!” Dolores spins around with one hand on her hip, the other waving the spatula at her son.“I promised the church 24 cookies, and that’s what they’ll get. Not 23, not 22, but 24! She turns her back to set the timer on the next batch and warns, “Don’t try to steal any either, Jesus is watching!”

Bill sighs, “She treats me like I’m twelve.”

“Did you hear me?”

“Yes, Mother.” He greedily licks the cookie crumbs off his fingers. “Where’s Dad?” he asks while smacking his lips. Dolores turns. “I’ll give you three guesses, the first two don’t count.”

Bill grins. “Matlock.”

On his way to find his father, Bill passes “Pete the Parakeet “and asks him, “Who’s a pretty boy?” The little green budgie squawks, “Pete! Pretty boy!”

Bill saunters into the living room and finds his father slumped in the easy chair, eyes fixed on the blank TV screen. He knits his eyebrows together and frowns. “Dad? Why aren’t you watching Matlock?” When Oscar fails to answer, Bill becomes concerned. "Is Dad having a stroke?” Bill grabs Oscar’s shoulder and shakes hard. “DAD!”

Oscar flies out of his chair. Grabbing his chest, he shouts, “Bill! What the hell is wrong with you?” You damn near gave me a heart attack!

“When you didn’t answer me, I thought you had a stroke or something. Why were you staring at the TV?”

Oscar’s naugahyde recliner squeaks loudly as he slowly settles back into it. “Oh, I’ve got a problem that’s all.”

Bill’s brows pull together, creating a furrow between them. “ What kind of a problem? Are you ill? You aren’t sick or anything, are you?”

“No Nothing like that,” Oscar mumbles, giving a slight shake of his head. “It’s just that your mother and mine’s anniversary is coming up, and I’ve already bought her a gift.”

Bill tightens his lips and nods knowingly. “Now she says she would like to have something other than what you bought her, right?”

“No.” Oscar softly disagrees. “The problem I’m having is now that I’ve bought it, I can’t remember where I’ve hidden it. I’ve been sitting here for an hour, racking my brain trying to remember.” Oscar picks up his bottle of beer and takes a swig.“Blah! It’s piss warm.” Then he takes another.

Bill’s curious. “Why are you just sitting in the chair instead of looking for it?”

“Because I don’t know where to start! No matter how hard I try, my mind remains a blank.”

Bill places his finger on his chin. "Hmmm..." Suddenly his face lights up. "I know what we’ll do! We’ll do what Matlock does. We’ll retrace your steps.”

Oscar’s eyes brighten as he warms up to the idea. “ Yeah, that’s the ticket. We’ll do it like Matlock! You know he’d find them!”

Bill pounces. “You just said them. What did you buy?”

“Earrings.”

“What kind?”

“Pearl.”

“Great! Where did you buy them?”

“Walmart.”

“Good. Did you have them gift wrapped?”

“No. But I did buy some very pretty wrapping paper, though.”

“You did? Where is that? They may be together!”

Oscar grins, “You’re right! They are together, and I don’t know where together is!!”

Bill pauses with his mouth ajar. “O-kay, well, let’s try another path. Let’s pretend that you’ve just arrived home from Walmart. You’ve got the gift and the wrapping paper in the bag, and you want to hide them from Mom. What feels like the most likely place that would be?”

Oscar tilts his head back as his eyes glaze over. After a few seconds, he begins to fiddle with his left ear. Oscar continues to dig deeper with his face all scrunched up until he finally plucks out a hair. He winces, after which he examines the hair and drops it to the floor. Oscar is about to reach for his nose when Bill shouts, "Dad, concentrate, will you?”

“I am!” Oscar shouts back. “You know, up in the attic on the right-hand side, there are a couple of boards nailed across two beams. They form a nice little pocket for hiding things.”

Bill arches his eyebrows and licks his lips, “So, do you think you might have hidden them there?”

“No,” Oscar replies. “I hid something there once, but Dolores found it and scolded me for wasting my money. "Bill winces but decides not to ask.“Are there any other places that come to mind?” Oscar holds up a finger, “I was considering hiding the earrings in my toolbox down in the basement. But I thought, what if your mother needed a screwdriver or needle-nose pliers? She’d have to open the box." Suddenly, Oscar’s jumps out of his chair “Oh, oh, Bill! I’ve just remembered! I hid them behind the hot water tank!”

Both men run pell-mell into the kitchen headed for the cellar door. Noticing Dolores standing at the counter, Oscar skids to a stop before nonchalantly opening the basement door. Bill gives his mother a little wave, then disappears into the darkness, closing the door behind him. Dolores blinks once and returns to her task at hand.

Fumbling around in the dark, Oscar finds the light chain and pulls it.

“Geez, Dad, I thought you said you were going to clean up down here.”

“I did.” Oscar looks slyly out of the corner of his eye. “And I thought I heard you say you’d help.” Bill remains silent. Oscar leads the way down a narrow path to the water heater. When they arrive, Oscar looks desperately all around.“Damn! They’re not here! I swear on my mother’s grave that I placed them right there, right on that spot! How could they have vanished into thin air? How? "Bill shrugs his shoulders and continues looking around when Oscar adds, “This is just like last year.”

Bill snaps up and staggers back a few steps. “W-What? Did you say this same thing happened last year?”

Oscar’s eyes dart down to the floor and then flick up briefly. Swallowing hard, he admits he couldn’t find last year’s gift either. “So, I rushed to Walmart and bought her one of those big Cadbury Dairy Milk Bars she loves so much. You know the 4.3 oz Fruit and Nut.” Oscar lowers his head and speaks in a soft voice, “Looks like I’ll be doing the same thing this year.”

Bill sighs, “I feel sorry for you, Dad, I really do. I tell you what, I’ve got a long weekend coming up, so I’ll come down and help clean up some of this mess. Okay? "Oscar nods his head. “Thanks, son.”

Bill mounts the cellar stairs and enters the kitchen. He finds his mother leaning against the counter, arms folded across her chest. “I’ve got to know.” Dolores drones. “What have you two been doing scuddering all over the house today?”

Bill looks back to check that the cellar door is closed before drawing nearer to his mother. “ guess I should tell you. Dad bought you an anniversary present and can’t remember where he’s hidden it.He’s pretty sure he hid it behind the hot water tank, but when he looked just now, it wasn’t there.”

Dolores straightens up and pushes away from the counter. “That’s because I took it.” Bill’s jaw drops. “Let me explain,” Dolores says, gesturing towards a chair. Dolores takes a deep breath and then sighs. “I love your father, Bill. On most occasions, he’s very smart and understanding but, on others, his head is as thick as a brick. I’ve told him over and over again that my favorite gem is amethyst. I’ve also told him that I hate pearls because to me, they look like balls of plastic. Yet when the time comes to buy me a piece of jewelry, he buys pearls every time. That’s why I’ve quit trying to explain and simply watch where he hides his gift. As soon as he leaves, I rush in and take it. The sales slip is always in the bag, which makes it easier for me to return it and keep the money.”

Bill frowns, "Sounds pretty devious to me.”Dolores smiles. In two more years, it will be our fiftieth wedding anniversary, and he’ll have to buy me something gold. I’ll tell him then what I’ve been up to but, until then, please be quiet, I’m having too much fun.”

Bill leans in closer to his mother and whispers. “You’re an evil woman, Dolores Watson.”

Dolores narrows her eyes while suppressing a chuckle. “Mmm, yes, I know.”