Fresno

This contains referances to childhood abuse and escaping that.

Fresno

By Marie Seiferman

Highways Journeys,Roadways, Escape!

Signs used to mark important dates and countdowns. Only I knew the code.I used them to mark dates towards independence,with freedom! Countdown had begun, yet I was the only one of seven that knew what it meant.

Four entries,a bed to lay my head, chest of draws and a tiny broom closet to hang my clothes. My youngest sister had a single bed and shared the four door entry room. I often wondered what crime she had committed to be condemned to have me as a roommate. She was nine years younger, but every bit as feisty, smart as someone twice her age. I was happy to have her for the company. She was the one thing in this house of pain that I would miss, and I hated to leave her behind. I knew that she would never be appreciated for the wonderful person she was and was to become. Her cute smile and infectious giggles and funny words made me laugh. Her tears made me want to protect her and I would try anything to dry them up and put a smile back on her face. I really loved that little girl. However, I had to remember she had a quick wit and tongue and that she had tenacity that I never had. Although painful she would survive Fresno. And not take crap as I did. In my deepest thoughts I knew she would be teased and made fun of. Ignored and no one would love her as I did. At least that's how I felt (years later it would be she that would leave and I would experience the pain of her absence)

Still the countdown had begun and could not be stopped. I had to move forward despite my feelings. My life was worth living and this could not happen if I stayed on Fresno Street. It would never exist inside my house of pain. I had to continue and each day I ripped down a number I ripped away years of humiliation and painful memories. I had survived and now needed to leave so that I could be more than a survivor. It was my turn to be in charge and be on top like the others were all of their lives. Each day the numbers got smaller the road to freedom became larger making this a real possibility. “Could I really do it, leave when the counter hits zero?” I wondered out loud. Would I be able to do this without anyone figuring it out, least of all my warden?

I wanted to let my sister in on the secret,but I couldn’t make her an accomplice. If it was to be found out surely it would be a beating like no other and the chains that bound me would get even tighter. The obstacles which were bars to my imprisonment would keep me locked up and forgotten forever. I was a ticking time bomb of family secrets to our not so perfect life.There was no possible way I would ever be allowed to leave so I had to escape!

Graduation day, It was anything but a festive happy moment. My mother complained and yelled that she didn't want to attend. Nothing grand to see here,no awards or special honors to be given my way that could be congratulated. Just a graduate from the most prestigious all girl high school in San Antonio, Texas, Incarnate Word High School, and accepted to Southwest Texas University in San Marcos fall attendee. Most might think wow! But I was forbidden to go to school because it wasn’t University Texas at Austin. So who cares if your high school was college prep or that you were accepted to college when I was looking at life behind bars!

No future for me,my controlling evil watcher would make sure of that.

I was defeated but yet victorious both of these feelings were racing through me as I walked across that stage to get my diploma. I was also awarded a Thespian award,(an award for hours dedicated to acting) my most precious and proudest awards. However to anyone else it was insignificant.

After graduation there was to be a graduation party held for all the girls. It was the party that I hoped to go to but knew I wouldn't be permitted. I had been grounded for the rest of my senior year, so I was not permitted to go. It was a punishment for my drunken behavior at NIOSA, a festival that I attended. I guess the punishment fit the crime. It didn't bother me that I couldn't attend because I would be having my own party once I was emancipated. There were only two more numbers to pull, so that day was coming soon.

However, a twist and suddenly I was permitted to go with a chaperone.

I would have rather stayed at home , but my older brother and his girlfriend agreed to accompany me . This was done to keep me sober. I was confused by my mothers sudden change of mind,but happy to get to go.

The party was after graduation and we all had worn shorts under our graduation gown so we all could go straight to the party. The festivities took place at one of the graduates' houses and it was outdoors. To my surprise, beer was flowing even though we were all minors, most graduates had parents that allowed for this at a celebration. In May temperatures are in the high nineties and the air was still with no breeze. My thirst was unquenchable that night. Two turns of my brother's head is all it took for me to guzzle down several beers. My brother found me puking in a trash can and immediately escorted me out of the party. He was exasperated with the situation because he thought he had kept tabs on me. Quickly he put me in his car and drove me not to our home but to a church at the corner. Here he took me out attempting to sober me up. He couldn't. I was celebrating my freedom, no one knew but me. Each cup I guzzled wiped out painful images of slaps, beatings, pain and humiliation. I was gaining the liquid courage to do what was to come next. I was taking a new path and would need plenty of bravery to actually bring this to fruition! My brother kept walking me around which seemed funny and I kept laughing which made him angrier. The church was located a quick walk down Fresno and Joe was making me walk to sober me up. Poor guy he had no idea, he couldn't sober me up, nothing could I choose to stay numb, alcohol just made it a little easier. I needed to feel numb to look my warden in her eyes as I took the final number down and dropped my house key on the table and walked out the front door. The image made me laugh even more at how she would react when she could do nothing to stop me. This plan was in the works for some time, I had paid for an apartment and turned on the utilities, careful to not use a reference that would get back to my family.

I had a place to go and was ready to walk out. How would she react when she realized her caged animal had escaped, what would be her next move? Nothing! I was 18 and legal and ready to go!

Or was I ? Being drunk was new to me, and instead of courage , I wept when I got home, threw up, yelled and cursed my parents. The next morning I was to work and despite not feeling well. I also had no real memory of what was said the night before. My dad took me to work as usual , to HEB, where I cashiered. My plan had been going on for a while so I had slowly moved most of my things and the only thing I would have left would be my graduation gifts. These I had hidden away along with most of my childhood trinkets. Once Rene( my boyfriend) picked me up from work (at a time my parents didn't know), he would wait for me as I walked in, remove the final count number and pick up my things tossing my key on the table as I walked out! My intentions announced as I exited the scene of so many hidden crimes.

Somehow as we approached my house I began to see things thrown up and down Fresno. I felt nauseous and light headed. As we approached my house a box was placed in the middle of the road along with scattered clothes records posters all over the road. I could feel my body shaking, not believing the obvious. She KNEW! We stopped the car and quickly picked up the remainder of my things. I went to walk up but instead of my plan it was taken over by my warden. There she stood looking like a deranged woman. Screaming “You're not so smart, and you are no longer welcome here

anymore!” and the door slammed in my face. Tears now streamed down my face, feeling defeated, yet strangely excited . I turned to Rene and said,”Oh well,let's go.” Looking behind I could see this smaller person crying and waiving goodbye. It was Jessica! I will never forget how bad I felt but yet good all at the same time. I had been feeling a lot of mixed emotions in the last 24hrs. I looked out the car window without looking back. Looking forward was all I could do. Leaving Fresno hurt more than I thought it would but not enough to stop me on my new path. I looked out the windows and it didn't seem real. Here I had spent the last year planning the escape,never really believing I could do it. But as I placed my head out the window,the summer breeze blowing on my face,I felt strong, and courageous.

But as hard as I tried, eventually all roads would lead back to Fresno. I couldn't know this at the time but would find out soon enough.

The End?