Spilled Proof

TW: Miscarriage

Elana gazed out the window, being pelted by rain, and asked her husband Jules, “Have you seen Ozzie?”

“Yes, he’s on the windowsill next to me,” Jules answered.

Ozzie gave a brief “prrrt prrt”

“He doesn’t like the rain. Besides that, he likes the male bonding you two do.” Elana added a little humor to a dark day.

Jules, “I also think he does not like us getting a divorce. We’ve moved everything around, disrupting his life. We’ve turned upside down”

Ozzie was surprised by a heavy blast of wind and rain against the window next to him, went “Grrrr-owww,” and hopped down to the floor. He leaped to the top of a large box atop a pile of boxes sitting among many in the middle of the living room. The box was just right for the large male calico cat.

Jules quipped, “Make sure he doesn’t decide to turn one of those boxes into his private apartment.”

“No, He’s okay. I can see his majesty in the middle of the room with all the other things whose custody is undecided.” She said, looking critically at the cat and then at Jules.

Jules lectured, “The cat is wise beyond his years. We will have to sort all that stuff in the middle.” And then stepped back from the window as a gust of wind and rain hit it harder. “This is no time to move boxes out. They’ll get soaked and fall apart.”

Elana said, giving him a cold stare, “Your stuff at that end, my stuff over here, and the 'to be decided' in the middle. Yep, all neat and tidy!” she said, feeling sad but clinical about their pending separation and divorce.

“I suppose we will have to go through some of these together and decide what we want and what is discarded,” Jules said with a sigh.

“I’ve got all my academic records in one place. It seems like a miracle that I was accepted into grad school for nursing.” Elana said with a sigh of her own.

“You have bragging rights. You did a great job. I knew you could. I’m proud of you.” Jules said in a comforting tone.

“Thanks, but we are such different people. You live in your research world at the medical school studying cell biology, and its workings. I deal with patients spewing body fluids at inappropriate times and places.” Elana said as if to make the case for ending their 5 years together.

“Elana, can’t we work this out?”

“No, Jules. I’ve been over this many times.”

“I think you misunderstand. We both do”

“Oh, poor baby feels hurt because he feels misunderstood,” she said hurtfully.

Elana began her usual rant, getting angrier with every word, “You had a thing with the head of the Nursing department faculty. You like nurses, so that’s how we got together. But Dr. Marlow was a perfect woman for you, and you kept close ties with her even after we met”

“Elana, it was purely professional, and I had just finished my graduate school and had an associate faculty position. No one knew you and me were dating back then. I was collaborating with her. Sometimes I helped her review applicants to the program.”

“Jules, you two would have been the perfect couple. She married someone else and successfully gave her husband three beautiful children. He could have been you.”

“Not that again, Elana. She’s not the perfect partner, and I never thought of her that way.”

“Well, Jules, you seemed to be inseparable. Good thing that stopped after you and I got engaged.”

“Elana, I keep telling you to stop comparing yourself. Her husband and I were good friends and still talk. He’s complaining all the time to me about his marital problems and feels the 3 kids are what’s holding it together.”

“Well, at least we don’t have children keeping us from going apart,” she yelled.

“I can’t imagine using children as a divorce preventative,” Jules said in a clinical tone.

“Well, Jules, I don’t think you were happy about my pregnancy.”

“What?” He was stunned.

“Yeah, after my miscarriage, you couldn’t wait to clear out the nursery and turn it into your office so you could devote more time to your work”

“Elana! You shouldn’t complain. After that day, you shortly threw yourself into taking more shifts. I was worried I’d lose you and the child that day. Then, for days and days after, you were gone. I felt lonely and isolated from you. Bad timing! “

Jules, I think you view our marriage as just one big poorly documented experiment”

“We will see about that documentation. I’m sure we have documentation. A marriage certificate, the ultrasound of the baby, cards, and letters.” Jules said factually.

Jules, “I think you are afraid you’ll find proof of everything I’ve said. Maybe we should burn the ‘unknown’ boxes and any so-called evidence in them”

“No! Let's try to sit down and calmly look through it. I miss the thing called you and me. I like the memories I sometimes find in a photo or a card I stumble across.” Jules made a peace offering. “

“Jules, it’s too late! And I don’t believe you,” and she stomped and walked into the kitchen”

Her loud stop shook the floor and frightened Ozzie, the cat, who leaped off the top box and made a frightened “WAAAAAAAOW!” He appeared as a calico streak as he dashed for the bedroom and safety.

His launch from the top box tipped it, sending its contents scattered across the living room floor.

Jules asks,” I wonder where he is going this time”

“He acts like a child of a divorce. Pretty perceptive for a cat”

Jules wonders out loud, “ Where is he on a tear this time?”

Elana answered, “To the bedroom, he has places to hide out. It’s his sanctuary”

Suddenly, there is a loud crash coming from their bedroom. It’s the bedroom they used to share, not the bedroom Jules converted from the nursery to his office.

Elena asks, “What have you done this time, you orange cat?”

Ozzie starts purring and looking very proud of the photos, letters, and diary strewn across the bedroom floor.

“What have you knocked over this time?” Ozzie hops up onto the bed next to her and purrs as they both survey the array of keepsakes and images of some of their 5 years together.

Jules asks, “What is it?”

Elana sees the floor covered by ultrasound images, baby clothes, and a leather-bound notebook, and is overcome with painful memories. “Don’t come in here! Please! I’ll take care of it, as always. Give me some space while I straighten up this stuff!”

Jules keeps his distance and feels like he’s walking on eggshells.

“OK. “He makes a short answer.

Ozzie replies, “zrrrrp!!” and proudly struts out of the bedroom before Elana slams the door.

“Elana, what’s wrong? “Jules heard no answer. He pressed against the door, realizing it felt more like a wall than a door.

“Elana, I can hear you crying. Anything I can do?”

“You’ve already done enough. When I miscarried and lay bleeding on the bathroom floor, you left me.” She said with anger that seemed to increase at each word.

“Elana, I had to call for the ambulance, and you told me to leave. You even shut the door and wouldn’t let me be with you”

“I felt ashamed about losing our baby like that. And then those things your mother said to me after all that,” Elana said defensively.

“Elana, you had a miscarriage. It happens. Nothing you could do”

“You walked out. We lost our girl, and your mother said awful things about me afterward,” Elana repeated.

“Elana, I told her off.“

“Oh?”

Elana went silent. He could hear the noise of papers rustling.

“Elana, we will have to go through these boxes in the center. What’s past is past.”

Jules, that really sounds so cold”

“Jules, I’m not sure either of us can handle it.”

“What?” Jules asked, leaning into the door.

“I found the baby clothes, the ultrasound, and the photos you took in the hospital”

“It feels like yesterday, and I want you to go away before you abandon me again”

She fell silent. More rustling of papers. More crying. Then silence.

Jules asked, “Elana, are you still sorting stuff out? Old photos, maybe?”

“Yes, she answered with a sniffle.

Jules started looking through the debris field Ozzi left behind while blazing out of the living room center. After finding some photos of Elana and a diary, he said quietly, “Elana, we should take a look together and decide what we burn and what we keep. “

“You know what you always say, Jules? The past is the past.”

“It’s not just data, it’s data that sometimes doesn’t fit the conclusions,” Jules added.

“Ha, so our marriage is just an experiment in a Ph.D. project??

“Let’s settle down and look together. Jules suggested in a calming tone.

“I have some of your stuff and you some of mine, “Jules said as Elana opened the door, looking sober and stunned.

“Jules, let's take a look at some of this stuff”.

“You mean, don’t just throw it out?”

“Elana, I’m curious. What changed your mind?”

“Our marriage has felt like an experiment with no documentation.” Jules said, hoping for some humor.”

“We’ll see about that! How can you joke?

“We are going to go through this bad stuff and see if we can see anything, then we will see!” Elana answered

Elana walked into the living room, clutching some photos, a diary, and an envelope holding a letter.

Jules sat down, holding another book, apparently also a diary. He also held a letter.

Elana asked, “What's that letter?”

Jules took the letter out slowly and held it for her to see, then read it.

“Dear Jules, I was horrible. I was wrong. I was hurt at not getting to be a grandmother and felt like a tragedy had hit me. I said awful things to and about Elana, and I am sorry. I don’t dare give her my apology directly. She’s too hurt still. Pass my confession and apology along to her. I was selfish about my wishes to be a grandmother and forgot about the pain you both must have suffered. Thanks for calling me out on this. I think Elana is wonderful, and you must be proud of her and cherish her.

Love, your mother.”

Elana asked, “Why didn’t you tell me about this? I was hating your mother for what she said in the moment?”

“We were all so busy with moving on and trying to forget, I read it and didn’t feel any better for it at the time. Then forgot about it. “

Elana asked, “Jules, let's go sit on the sofa where the light is better and continue this!

When they sat down next to each other, Elana started flipping through a photo album, stopping sometimes, then flipping pages so fast they couldn't see them. Something was on her mind besides what was in front of her.

Ozzie the cat saw an opportunity for comfort and companionship, so he hopped up on the sofa beside Elana. She held books and a photo album in her lap, so it was not available. Ozzie retreated to the end of the couch, curling into a corner and going “brrrt”.

As Elana held up an envelope as if it were evidence for the prosecution. “Jules, I want you to explain this envelope from your nurse friend, Dr. Marlow, whom I think you had a thing with”

Jules opened the envelope and pulled out two letter-sized sheets. He looked at them and then handed them to her one at a time’

“Elana, the first of these is a letter from Dr. Marlow, head of the program, thanking me for meeting with her to review possible candidates. It’s all business, with no affectionate words or anything inappropriate for a totally professional collaboration. “

“Elana looked embarrassed, saying, “I’m sorry. I guess it proves your point”

Jules, looking at the second piece of paper, hands it to her, explaining, “This is my letter to her recommending YOU for the program. We weren’t dating, so no one connected us or could suspect any bias. This may have been why you were accepted into the program despite your self-doubt.”

Elana looked very sorry. “Jules, I had no idea. I can’t thank you enough”

“Jules, I have my diary. Read this page to me. It’s about how you left me bleeding on the cold bathroom floor. I screamed your name until my throat was raw. But there’s more, it says. I could hear him crying outside the door, but he wouldn’t come in. I needed him more than air. “

“You’re right, I was crying and afraid I was losing you both,” Jules added.

Jules opened his own worn journal and found words he had written that corresponded to hers. “She told me to leave... said it was my fault. I was dying in that hallway, convinced she hated me for what I couldn’t fix’

Elana clutched the ultrasound photos and read on from her diary, “Every night after, I thought you were relieved. That you didn’t care enough to stay”

Jules said quietly, “All this is evidence that we still loved each other, and we buried it along with as much pain as we could suppress.”

Elana was crying but somehow cheerful at once, “I never stopped needing you. Don’t let us die apart anymore.”

Jules said, “We were on opposite sides of a door that was more like a wall, and we suffered right next to each other. I agree, don’t let us die apart anymore.

Ozzie, that cat, sensing that a quiet, peaceful mood had invaded the room, opened one eye and seemed to give a knowing look, settled in for a nap”

Elana said, looking at Ozzie, then Jules,

“Then don’t leave. Please stay”.