Re: I Should Have Said Sorry Sooner

The first email from her dead ex-husband arrived on a Monday morning. Of all days, a Monday. Mondays were the worst for Sabrina. They felt like freedom hangovers — two and a half days of pretending life was manageable, followed by life kicking the door open at 6.15 a.m. She had always had trouble sleeping on Sunday nights, and the insomnia got worse after her ex-husband passed. She did not understand why, since she had been sleeping alone for the last five years, but she had accepted it the way she accepted most other unpleasant things in life.

On this particular Monday morning, Sabrina was already tired before the day had even begun. Daisy, her six-year-old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, had kept her up during the night because of the thunderstorm. Her period had begun its pre-arrival ceremony: cramps, irritation, and an unreasonable hatred of everyone. Her calendar for the week looked like it had been arranged by someone who took Tetris too seriously.

While waiting for her coffee, the screen on her phone lit up. She stared at it, taking a moment to understand the words in the pop-up.

Adrian Chen

I should have said sorry sooner

I knew what you wanted to hear from me but I just didn’t have the courage to say it…

Sabrina kept staring at her phone, trying to process what she had just read.

This had to be a scam. Someone must have created an account in his name and was now pranking her. But who? Who hated her enough to do something like this? She mentally ran through all the names and people who came readily to mind, but of course, it was a short list.

She tapped on the notification, which brought her to the email.

I knew what you wanted to hear from me but I just didn’t have the courage to say it until now. I don’t know what stopped me from apologising to you when I should have. You always said I needed a therapist, and I always scoffed at you. Therapists are a special kind of con artist, I told you. Now I know I should have listened to you.

I am sorry.

I am sorry for being dead too, but that, as far as I can tell, isn’t my fault. But I am still sorry for dying and leaving you.

Love you,

Adrian

She checked the email address: adrian.chenjk@gmail.com. It was his email address. She read the email again. And again. Had someone gained access to his account?

She looked at the clock: 8.15 a.m. She had only fifteen minutes before she needed to leave the house to make it in time for her 9.30 a.m. meeting. She had fifteen minutes to decide if she should call in sick. Taking the coffee with her to the breakfast nook, she sat down and read the email again for the twentieth time.

Frowning, she hit Reply.

Who is this?

Sabrina clicked off her phone, finished her coffee, and started throwing the essentials into her bag when her phone lit up again.

Adrian Chen

Re: I should have said sorry sooner

It’s me! Adrian!

She had sent her reply less than five minutes ago. Now she stood still, staring at her phone again.

Prove it.

8.23 a.m. She needed to get going or she would definitely be late to the meeting, which she already knew would be a waste of time. Would she even be able to concentrate, though? She turned off the notifications on her phone and started the car.

She would get through the day.

Adrian Chen

Re: I should have said sorry sooner

You kept a list in your Notes app called “Things Adrian Says Wrong.” Number four was “for all intensive purposes.” Number seven was “escape goat.” You showed it to me during a fight once. I laughed. You did not.

I often wondered how long that list became.

I also realise I never gave us the chance to talk properly. I was always on the defensive.

Is it too late to ask for forgiveness?

A.

While her colleagues were sharing their weekend activities over lunch, Sabrina was staring at her phone.

“Hey, Sabrina, are you okay? You don’t look too well,” Megan, her teammate, asked.

“Oh, no, I’m okay. Thanks for asking. Excuse me,” Sabrina murmured and left the table. She found an empty meeting room and closed the door.

Feelings she thought were long forgotten came rushing back. She realised then that you really don’t forget deep emotional hurts. They stay with you until… until when? Until you receive apology emails from the underground? Among those feelings was anger. Oh, and what anger it was.

Fingers shaking, she hit Reply.

How many times did I tell you I didn’t want to fight? I just wanted to have a conversation. I wanted to understand what was in your head. What was going through your mind? Why did you do what you did then?

You never knew me. After fifteen years, you never did.

S.

Sabrina hit Send and closed her eyes, laying her forehead on her arms. She thought she should cry, but oddly, there were no tears. She looked at her watch. 12.46 p.m.

She would get through the day.

Adrian Chen

Re: I should have said sorry sooner

I know. And again, I am sorry.

I am realising some things now.

And by the way, I really like the new look on you. I told you blonde highlights would work great on you! Didn’t know you could rock a short hairstyle like this too. I bet there have been so many men hitting on you. Oh, did he hit on you again, that French dude? What’s his name? Francois? No. Jean-Francois? No. Damn those Frenchmen.

A.

Later, sitting in her car in the open-air carpark, Sabrina fought back tears as goosebumps formed on her arms and a strange tingling sensation ran down her spine. Oh, how much she missed Adrian. And yet, this was creepy.

She put the car in Park, looked around the carpark, and clicked Reply.

You and the Frenchmen!

No, he didn’t. His name is Antoine. There is no Francois nor Francois-anything.

Although… they do say Frenchmen are the most romantic.

How did you know about my new hairstyle? It’s called a bob, by the way.

S.

Monday was nearly over, thank God, and it had been quite a day. Sabrina changed out of her work clothes and into her sports gear, leashed Daisy, and debated for a split second before taking her phone with her. She usually left her phone at home when she walked Daisy.

Adrian Chen

Re: I should have said sorry sooner

Daisy still loves to sniff everything on walks, doesn’t she? She looks older than she did three years ago. Does she still love chewing on chicken necks? Or has she found a new favourite? I miss her so much. I miss the three of us hanging together.

A.

Sabrina stopped walking. Daisy looked up at her, confused. Sabrina slowly turned around, observing everyone in the park. But of course, Adrian wasn’t going to be there. She resumed walking.

Yes, she’s still pretty much the same. Even more so, if that makes sense. She still loves food.

Have you always missed us or is this a new realization?

S.

Adrian Chen

Re: I should have said sorry sooner

I know where this is going. All I am saying is, I think we made a great family — you, me, and Daisy.

I missed you terribly.

A.

Sabrina read and reread the last email, wine glass in hand, trying to name her feelings. A deluge of memories played in her mind, as if she were browsing Netflix’s catalogue. The day Adrian and Sabrina met. Their first date. The Exclusive Day, when Adrian declared he would not be seeing anyone else from that day on. Meet the Parents. The Proposal. How to Lose Friends When You Are Planning a Wedding. The First Day of Living Together.

It could go on. All the while, Sabrina kept staring at the screen of her MacBook. She was on her third glass of wine by now. Then it came to her. The Big Fight. The day Adrian left and never really came back until it was too late. She downed the rest of the wine in two big gulps and poured another.

Of course she missed him. She had missed him for five long years. Two when he was alive, three when he was dead. She remembered telling her friends that closure was overrated, and she really did believe what she said. Until he died and she started losing sleep. And now she seemed to be talking to… what, the ghost of him?

The clock said 10.35 p.m. If she didn’t go to bed now, it would be another day of hell in the office tomorrow. She took a deep breath, closed her MacBook, finished the rest of the fourth glass of wine, and got ready for bed.

At 11.45 p.m., Sabrina was staring at the blinking cursor on her phone. Who was she kidding about sleep?

I miss you… she started to type, then deleted the sentence. Then typed it again.

She let out a sigh of frustration. Daisy looked up from her bed.

“This is crazy. They say dogs can see spirits. Did you see Daddy today? Is he really here?” she said to the dog.

Daisy’s eyes widened. Then she sighed and lay back down, closing her eyes.

“Even you are sighing,” Sabrina said.

A thought started to form as she stared at the ceiling. She opened the email thread and began to type.

This isn’t fair to me. You don’t get to tell me you miss me and that you’re sorry now. Why now? It’s not like you didn’t get the chance to.

And how?

How did you know about my hair? How did you know about Daisy?

S.

She clicked Send, put her phone on Do Not Disturb, turned off the side lamp, and tried to sleep.

Adrian Chen

Re: I should have said sorry sooner

You’re still the same, always asking why, always asking me for answers I don’t have.

I still don’t have the answers, and I know you’re going to be mad. You’re gonna get angry because I don’t have the answers you need.

I want to tell you I am sorry for being angry at you that night. I miss you terribly and have been missing you since the day I left. I just want you to know how I feel.

A.

If she were one of those rich ladies without a care in the world and with a house full of maids, Sabrina would have thrown every single breakable thing she owned against the wall. Instead, she downed her coffee the next morning, took care of Daisy, and left for the gym at 7 a.m., way earlier than she usually did.

It was ridiculous. How could she still have so many feelings toward a dead person, and after so many years?

She turned up the treadmill and ran as fast as she could. The digits on the screen climbed furiously: 1 km… 1.5 km… 2 km… 200 kcal… 300 kcal… And Sabrina kept going, until she was out of breath and her Apple Watch said her heart was beating at 180 beats per minute, the highest she had ever reached. She hit the emergency stop and put the treadmill to a slow walk.

In the locker room, still breathing hard, she opened the thread again.

I don’t understand. You just decided to leave that terrible night. Of course I want answers. I have been wanting to know what happened for the last five years! And then you suddenly appear – as a ghost? – and all you can say is I’m sorry? And that you miss me? How do you think I’ll feel?

S.

Did Sabrina really truly understand the extent of hurt Adrian had put her through? Or did she mistakenly think everything would die with him?

The shower was cold. Sabrina had turned the water heater all the way down, flinching as the cold water hit her. She needed the discomfort. Anything to feel the pain physically.

It was 9.30 a.m. She had learned the hard way that the world didn’t and wouldn’t stop for her. Everyone else was living their own drama, and she had to show up as a character in theirs. There was no time to wallow in her own.

Adrian Chen

Re: I should have said sorry sooner

I…

Well, I still think you shouldn’t have gone through my phone. Yes, I know, there shouldn’t be secrets between us. But still, it’s a matter of personal privacy.

And you only read the first line.

A.

The time was 9.05 p.m. when Sabrina read the last email. She finished the remaining half glass of wine in one go, and reached for the Highland Park 18-year-old single malt. She might just finish the remaining half bottle tonight. Does alcohol help people feel less vex?

Then why didn’t you explain what was supposed to be in the rest of that email? And who did you mean to send it to?

What was I supposed to understand from the line anyway? How else was I supposed to understand a statement like that?

S.

Sabrina thought back to that night five years ago. Adrian’s brother had sent a text arranging for a family dinner while Adrian was walking Daisy. Sabrina had wanted to reply and make the arrangements on his behalf (since she would eventually have to be the one doing it). But when she unlocked the phone, the Mail app was opened and an open draft was sitting there. There was no subject and no recipient. In the body, were simply one line:

I don’t know if I can keep doing this with Sabrina…

Sabrina felt as if her body had been hit by a huge tidal wave. She willed herself to breathe normally, sat very still, and calmed her nerves, and decided to go about their evening routine without raising it. She had thought she needed a bit more time to think about how she should react. But her imagination got the better of her, and the next night, she decided to bring it up. Calmly, not in an outburst.

Adrian, however, had reacted badly, and what was meant to be a grown-up discussion quickly turned into a very heated argument and fight. He accused her of snooping around his phone, while she thought he had already emotionally checked out of their marriage and was preparing to make it official – this was the only scenario she could think of that necessitated an email like that. And the argument went the way it did with spouses who didn’t understand what each other was saying.

When they came to a deadlock, Adrian had stood up, collected a few of his things – his phone, car key, and a t-shirt – put on his shoes, and walked out. All the while, Sabrina was left on the couch, not moving, not following, not asking anymore questions. She was struggling to understand what had she done wrong: was there any fault in finding out what her husband was planning? But he was angry now and looked like he was leaving, and she didn’t want him to leave. She wanted him to stay and tell her what that email draft was all about. But he had already had one foot out the door.

Now she swirled her Glencairn glass, breathing in the honeyed, gentle peak smoke from the Highland Park 18.

Her phone lit up.

Adrian Chen

Re: I should have said sorry sooner

I always thought you were putting me on trial, and you were always expecting me to fail. I understand now that you were just trying to understand what was going on, and I understand now that you were always trying to figure things out and you wanted us to figure things out together.

But I didn’t know all these then, and to be honest, I wouldn’t have known what to do anyway even if I had known.

But if you want to know what was supposed to be in the rest of the email, maybe you should look into the last drawer of my side of the wardrobe. You never did clear out all my clothes, I see, so underneath the stacks of socks and boxers, you should find what you want.

A.

Sabrina sat up straight suddenly, waking Daisy. She read the email again. And again. Something dawned on her, and the realization was making her feel cold all over. Was she the one who had really made Adrian leave? Was she the one who didn’t understand Adrian after all, and was she always expecting Adrian to know who she is, while she didn’t make the effort to know him?

She stared in the direction of what was once their bedroom, and bringing her Glencairn along, walked slowly toward the wardrobe.