Perseverance

I had been trying to get his attention for so long now that time felt completely meaningless. I had tried so many things to remind him that he absolutely had to deal with me. I sent him pain. Frustration. Guilt. Depression. Isolation. Grief. Shame. There wasn't an option that wasn't used on him. Unfortunately for me, he remained steadfast in his stubbornness. And so, I continued to fester and become more of a threat to his very soul. Time was on my side, though. I simply refused to remain in this deep, dark bottomless pit forever. I knew that eventually I would get what I desperately craved. I would achieve my freedom one way or another. Nothing in this life stays buried.

Eventually, I decided to contact the only help I could. A higher power than myself was needed. I had them send signs and subtle reminders. I had them involve loved ones to ask what was wrong and if they could help in some way. My desperation was growing immense. What more could I do to get past these walls? Why couldn't he just look at me and see that I had to be dealt with?

I finally decided to do the one thing I hadn't tried thus far. I would try to be gentle and quietly ask if he could let a bit of light in. Not a lot, mind you, just a glint. A small amount that wouldn't even be noticeable. Honestly, just a crack in the door would be nice.

“Please,” I asked. “Please acknowledge me. I’m so tired down here, alone and ignored. Why have you forsaken me?”

I felt him stir for the first time in years. I could finally feel his presence once more.

“Why won’t you leave me alone?” He whispered. “Why can’t you just stay away? I never asked for you to stay here. I never wanted you to begin with.”

I felt his anger swell. He was at last experiencing emotions that he thought were lost so long ago.

“I don’t even remember who you are?!” He yelled. “I’m trying to move on with my life but it seems as though won’t let me! You have taken so much from me and yet you want even more! How much more can I even give you? What’s even left for you to take?!”

His desperation was palpable. His body trembled. I could feel his sadness overtake his anger.

“You’ve caused me so much hurt. So much pain that I’ve grown numb to all of it. I’ve mourned until I’ve been left a shell. I don’t even feel like a person any longer because of what you’ve done,” he said in between sobs. “Please, I beg you. Tell me who you are and what you want. I’ll give you anything at this point if you’ll just leave me be.”

“Please,” he quivered once more.

It hurt me to hear his agony. We were both desperate.

Time shifted between us. It was as though a chasm had formed to try to distance us. I could not let this happen. Not now.

“I want to leave you alone. I do. I’m tired of taking away who you are. I no longer want to be locked away in this dark pit. I want you to see me for who I am. To finally see that I’m not here to hurt you anymore but to save you. I’ve become a necessary piece in the puzzle that is you.”

“I am your trauma. I was put here at first by another. I’m still here because you won’t learn what I’m trying to teach you,” I said to him. “You think you’re flawed. That you’re less than human. That you can just move on without dealing with me. You buried me in hopes that I would dissipate. Instead of seeking help with me you sent me away and hoped that it would be enough.”

I take a moment to let that sit with him. My desire is to not overwhelm him. I close my eyes with him and we weep together. Unspoken tears between two halves. That passes and we breathe in unison. He feels ready to press on.

“What else was I to do to be heard?” I asked him. “I thought that if I did more you could finally see me for who I am. For what I could be to help you. That maybe you could use me to transform us both into a dream you once had. I know you didn’t ask for me or even want me. I am the first hurt and I was left here by another.”

He goes quiet. Still. The only sound between us are heartbeats.

I break the silence and tell him that I’ve simply waited for him to seek out an answer about me.

“I just want to be whole again,” we say at the same time.

I show him what life might be like without me in it. How much better he would feel if I could just be set free. If he could only address me and let me go, he would be changed in a way that would finally set us both free. I didn't want to be here anymore and I couldn't make it any clearer of what had to be done.

“You have to heal me to heal yourself. Just let some light in and see what kind of power it has. I am not the insurmountable monster you believed me to be. I will never shrink buried in this darkness.” I said.

“I’m just wanting to be seen and to be heard. There’s hurt and pain here, yes, but they will pass. I’m just asking you to set me free. To set us free. Isn’t that what you want?”

More silence crept between us and it felt like the walls would return. I feel myself slipping back down but instead of fighting him once again, I just let go. I’m just too exhausted to battle him anymore.

Suddenly like a bolt of lightning, light exploded all around me. It enveloped the darkness and I couldn’t see past its radiance. As I adjusted to this new space, this new feeling washed over me. I felt whole again. My power over him was waning and freedom had finally arrived. He no longer felt shame, no longer needed to keep me in the dark, and I knew that my time was nearing its end. I could leave him and he would finally know peace. Love would return and take my place. The light had done its job.

“I see you,” he said. “I’m sorry I left you so alone. You are me and I am you. We don’t have to hurt each other anymore. I see that now. I can acknowledge your existence and still be me. I don’t have to forget how you came to be here but I can forgive you. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to let the light back in. I forgot how warm it was. Thank you for reminding me.”

I smile for the first time and close my eyes.

We’ve earned this rest.