The Almost Emporium

“A person will have to give account for everything his eye saw yet he did not eat.”

Talmud (Yerushalmi), Kiddushin 4:12

Don’t stand outside knocking! Come in!

Welcome to “The Almost Emporium” where I sell the finest in “could have been.” Shake off your umbrella (my, the rain is coming down, isn’t it?) and put it right there in the corner. There, that’s better. Your hands are free now to pick up, peruse, and, hopefully, purchase all the amazing artifacts we have in store!

I am J. Idleman, proprietor. My family has run this store for hundreds of years (or so it feels sometimes). We have a wide array of “almost” to choose from. Did you have something in particular you were looking for?

You asking for my recommendations? Of course! Follow me. I have something that might pique your interest. Fortuitous for you, I received this item only a few hours ago. It should be in this back row of shelves (haven’t had a chance to properly index it yet, ha!). Where is it again? Ah! Here it is.

A plane ticket. Never used.

Anxious fellow who brought it in. Very jumpy. Had scrimped and saved to in order to buy it. One way ticket to the Philippines. Said he had family there. Had not seen them in decades.

He told me he was excited for the trip. The day of his departure, this gentleman arrived at the airport in time. Made it through security. Sat waiting at the gate. Watched as people stood in line to get on the plane. His plane. Heard his name announced by the attendants. But it didn’t get up from his seat.

Only after seeing his plane take off did he finally leave the airport. Came straight here and pawned his ticket. I got a great deal on it — which I can pass off to you. Want to go to the Philippines? I heard it’s beautiful. Plus, there is a worried family waiting in the Manila airport for someone to come through the gate. Might as well be you, right?

No? Okay. Maybe travel isn’t your thing.

Let’s see, let’s see, let’s see. You seem fairly put together. Maybe fashion is your flavor?

Come this way. I have just the thing for you! I hung it up in a closet, waiting for the right customer to come along. Stand back as I open this door. I have a bit of a moth problem. Cover your face. They like to go for the eyes. Ready? One … two … THREE!

Out, out, out you damn insects! Whew. That was a bigger swarm than last week. They are reproducing at an alarming rate. What was I getting in this closet? Oh yes… the dress. Let me reach back in here and find it.

Here it is. What do think?

I just love the color! Red as warm blood. Feel this fabric. Satin straight from the looms of heaven. Don’t you just want to rub it all over your face? I have. Many times. But don’t worry — I always dry clean the dress after.

I know this gown would look great on you.

It’s never been worn. Look… the tags are still there. The lady who brought it in told me that she had purchased this particular piece of attire for a special occasion. She had tried on a lot of dresses with varying degrees of enthusiasm. None of them made her feel a certain way. Until she put this red dress on. She told me that once the dress slipped over her shoulders and down her body, she stared at the person in the mirror for five minutes. Had never had seen this attractive stranger before. She was looking at a woman brimming with confidence and curves. A person at home in a body that felt foreign in the last few years.

I had to clean off the spots where her tears soaked through the material.

When she finally took it off, she felt like a superhero stepping out of the costume. The dress was bought for a spectacular night. But then the night was canceled. And never rescheduled. She had opportunities to wear the dress. Weddings. Funerals. Trivia night at the local tavern. She would stare at the dress, hanging there in her closet like a wanted poster for a night that never was. But she always reached for the bulky sweatshirt and leggings instead. They were the familiar she could hide in.

Eventually, she brought the dress here. No point in getting dressed up if you have nowhere to go?

But her loss is your gain! As you can see from the tag, this is an expensive piece of clothing. But for you, I am willing to take 5 percent off the sale price. No?

Hmm… has anyone told you that you are hard to please?

Wait! A thought has zapped my brain.

Do you need a name?

Come over here. Perhaps this item will whet your appetite. I keep it in my lockbox with the broken lock. This is where I put all my most valuable objects.

Here. Take a gander at this. A list of names! All are available and ready for adoption. Every cognomen delicately written on a rosy pink slip of paper. If you ever thought “I need a new identity” then this is exactly what you need.

How regal would you feel if you were named “Magnus”? Oh… look at this one. “Claire.” A coquettish moniker. Perfect for a golden-haired ingénue sipping a dusky espresso in a Parisian café. Hey! I am also favorable to “Otto.” In fact, the name “Otto” would define you nicely. It’s right here on the list, along with many other appellations to choose from.

I remember I purchased this particular item from a couple from the city. It was raining (just like it is now) the day they came into shop. They were young. But harsh lines cut deep ravines in the corners of their eyes and mouth. Those canyons contained universes.

“How much for this?” the gentleman asked me. I took the crumbled paper from his calloused hand and unfolded it. Once I saw the list of names, I knew I had a treasure. But I did not want to overplay my hand.

“Well, I don’t know,” I said. “This type of note paper isn’t as popular as it once was. Don’t know if there is a market for pink pages anymore. Could I ask why you want to sell?”

The man looked at the lady. She stared down at the counter. Her hands were trembling.

“We thought we could use these names. But… it turns out we can’t.”

I made a show of thinking about the deal. Finally, I said “Okay, how about a hundred dollars?”

The man nodded his head. When I counted the crisp bills and placed them in his palm the man began to cry. Not loud. Not hard. But with the emotion reserved for a long-held dream crushed beneath the foot of inescapable reality. The couple turned and walked out the door. There was a wide space between them as they left.

Well, what do you think? That couple had a quite a list of names, didn’t they? How much is it worth to you? Wait… you don’t want this item either?

Well, what do you want then?

You’re selling the umbrella? The one you came in with? Why?

Oh, it was a gift from someone. Someone needed that umbrella. But you missed the chance to give it. I suppose it’s too late to present the umbrella now? I mean… it is raining still. This person could still avail themselves of such an instrument like an umbrella.

Oh. I am sorry to hear that. Yes, I suppose they don’t need an umbrella anymore.

In that case, yes, I will buy it from you. How does one dollar sound?