Nut Judge

Let’s go,

The honorable court and the idiotic judge may we rise.

I’m sorry, I’ve forgotten how they say it, okay, it goes;

“All rise for the Honorable judge,”

Just as I thought.

We are seated here today to witness the welcoming of a national hero, a man with due honor, a man that should most definitely be coronated king of the village instead of that foolish, senseless, no good, fish-head 'chief' that does nothing but develop the village, building roads, giving potable water, providing free schooling, promoting local businesses, cheaper food, security...Rubbish!

“A man that is very important,”

A man that is…

A woman???

Pardon me distinguished villagers, my eyes are either unclear or I might’ve just been focusing on the small hairs dotting our female hero's chin. Sorry about that, she is quite a beautiful woman. This is the year of body positivity!

Yes, a woman of great feat, she did something more than climb mountains or build bridges or walk over them, or kill a dragon,(apparently English heroes are always doing that, I seriously need an explanation…), or clog a volcano, (fortunately we don’t have those around here), or kill a lion, or survive the evil forest.

Oh, she, Akpovo, is remembered today for the truly jaunting act; something awesome, something terrific, something...

Excuse me while I ask our Honorable why he is staring at our shero's face. Disrespectful. Men these days have no dignity nor shame. The audacity.

Alright, this woman, the darkest in the village; skin like chocolate (Mars not Twix people, the Blacker the Berry (; ), lips drip with honey sweetness, yes, unlike our Honorable, who’s lips drip with the gross liquid formed at the mouth. Judge's saliva.

The red beads that drop at her neck are the most beautifully made in the state. (Wow, they've really prepared the wonderfully infamous woman for this day. She is blessed.)

The purple color glows from the threaded locs of the owu that puff-ly end at her neck, oh precious, I was thinking of having that style this Eke market day, bah, now everyone will want to do it. Bye bye originality.

Now, this beautiful woman must have done something mighty wonderful to deserve this pamper-ment! I mean goodness, the fabric of her half-thigh length shimi wrappa and breast wrap is by far the most expensive-looking I’ve seen; why, it’s from another land entirely! The colors on it are a wide known trademark of the Fula! Expensive! Beautiful! This lady!

Okay, okay, wait, we’ve been gushing over this pretty damsel for the past few hours; Honorable, please open your trap and say something.

“We are all standing here, in the presence of a great woman, ah, I sometimes wonder how come she’s a woman,”

Excuse me?

Honorable, have you listened to the Ted Talks I’ve been sending you? Obviously not.

Talk about mediocrity.

“She is the hero of our land,”

Yes, we said that about five minutes ago, move on.

“The descendant of a great man,”

Oh wow.

“A man who saved our village many years back,”

Excuse us while we recite the anthem in solidarity,

Arise O' compatriots...

No, no, no Honorable, this is not the World Cup, can we please focus on the breathtaking black-coffee-dark-bark-chocolate-fudge-brownie beauty standing before us?

“Young damsel, where is your husband?” Honorable must ask.

“Ah, I do not have one, Judge Inyang,”

By God, are y’all seriously flirting in the village square? You should be ashamed of yourselves. Pathetic.

Yes, yes Honorable, we know her hips are large, many others here are like that you know. Carry on, chop, chop.

“Her father did what no one else in the village could do!” Honorable shot his fat hand up in the air.

Of course, we're always doing such, last week someone gave birth to an Arabian, I thought I’d seen it all.

“What did she do?!”

God bless the generations of the person who just shouted that. May your days be long on the land which the Lord hath given us.

We will not pray that for honorable, sure, he is already hell-bound with the looks he’s giving our damsel.

“This man, this great man,”

Have us die in great anticipation.

“A man of valour”

Oh yes,

“Of great skill,”

Hail him.

“Of outstanding bravery,”

Hm, sure.

“Marvellous genes,” 

Now wait a minute. That doesn’t even….

Ah, yes, how can we skip the dangerous looks our honorable and damsel are exchanging here. The genes must be in the eyes or something.

“He is greatly revered,”

Who knew goats could pull off such suspense. This century is amazing.

“We should’ve made him king while he was alive,”

Tell us what we don’t know.

“This great man, oh, spoking this feat with words is an understatement,” 

Why don’t you get a pen then, and with that terrible English. When I say this beautiful language isn’t for Africans they won’t believe me. See how we’ve utterly destroyed it. This is nothing self, have you heard pidgin?

Shameful.

“The man I am talking about, the great sir Akpabio, was the first ever to, in this entire nation, harvest a groundnut pod with EIGHT nuts! Please shower your praise on this man’s offspring! He is to be highly hailed!”

WHAT?

So you mean to tell me, we dressed up beautifully, looking like peacocks, wasted our mothers' time bending over and inflicting pain on our scalps and brains all in the name of braiding, weaving, threading and what-not, and came to this sandy square, to hail a woman (a very beautiful woman I might add), whose father harvested groundnut?

No wahala. I’m done here, case closed, I have just wasted my time. Your honor, bang the gavel and take this woman to your house, impregnate her and marry her because it is obvious you are a jobless cow. Marry her and resign, yes, villagers, go to your houses and pound yam and prepare afang soup and eat and leave this womanizer; as for me, I’m packing my load, my wig and my mouth and moving to Ghana. Hopefully they will have normal groundnuts there.

Nonsense!