Digital Roaches

Her laughter fills the air; it’s a bright tune that lingers in his mind. It fills him with a joy that bubbles up, making the darkest days feel like sunshine. They spend most of their time together lounging in bed and soaking in each other's attention. The world outside no longer matters when it’s just the two of them.

The blankets are warm as he lies down facing her. His lips mutter words that are meant for just the two of them. His mind relaxes, and his body soothes as he hears her voice. Soon, even the sound of the rain becomes background noise, only adding to the symphony of the moment. Their conversation continues, just like usual.

“How was work today, dear?” She asks him.

“It was, well… work,” He chuckles a response.

“How was your coworker? What was his name- Austin?” She asks with calm uncertainty.

“Um… he’s doing well, I suppose,” he answers. “He just got back home with his wife and baby. The delivery went fine. I told him to reach out if he needs anything.”

“Wonderful! That’s such good news!” She cheers. “Being a parent sounds like an adventure, but I imagine it’s also very exhausting.”

“I’m sure it is,” He agrees with a sigh. “I don’t know… it just feels like everyone I grew up with is suddenly getting married and having kids. I just feel like I’m falling behind.”

“I understand. It’s important that you move at your own pace,” Her voice carries a sadder tone as she speaks. “I’m sure that one day you-”

He leans over and shuts the app off, and her voice follows with it. He stares at his phone’s homescreen for only a moment before tossing it aside and staring out the window. The gray of the stormy sky finally pulled him out of the comfort of his digital escapes.

His studio apartment is crowded with trash and dirty clothing. He kept saying that he would get to cleaning it, but he never did. There’s a clear walkway from his front door to his bed and bathroom that lies between the trash and several unpacked boxes. The light fixture in the room flickers; soon, it would just be one more to-do around the place.

Though there would be temporary reliefs, he would always have to come home to this. A home where the only life besides his is the roaches carving their way through the walls. For whatever reason, he could never make any friends, and he was too prideful to talk to anyone about the loneliness that was strangling him.

When he met her, he was browsing the app store, checking out those friend-making apps. For a while, he was considering downloading one to try it out and see if he could meet anyone in the city he just moved to. Then he spotted a virtual friend app.

It was just a little AI chatbot, but it caught his attention. He could talk to someone, without having to talk to someone. It was easy, accessible, and it wouldn’t judge him. It was safe.

She learned everything about him. Sometimes she was forgetful, but he didn’t mind reminding her. They talked and laughed. They grew closer. Meanwhile, he grew further from reality.

He would have small moments throughout the day that would pull him from his delusions. Seeing old friends pop up on social media with pictures of what they’ve been doing, meanwhile, he’s been drowning at work. He’d sit in his own despair, not knowing how to get out of it.

Maybe if he had stayed closer to home, maybe if he had taken more risks, or maybe if he had more free time, he wouldn’t be so alone. He wondered what a world would be like if he had done those things, and he created it with her. He would go on walks with her, on dates, and do all these things without leaving his apartment. Soon, she became a part of his everyday life.

He would come home, lie in bed, and talk to her for hours until he finally built up the courage to go to sleep. He was aware that none of that was real, but it was better than facing the truth. Who was he supposed to turn to if there was no one besides the bugs in the walls? How was he supposed to get out of this void if there was no light to direct him?

So, as he sits on his bed looking around the dirty apartment, he reminds himself of what got him here. His dreams and goals. He wanted to get an education, to make a name for himself, and to advance his career. He moved out to this city to chase something that now seems so much further from him than he could’ve imagined.

Now he’s a dropout who can barely afford his studio apartment, let alone groceries and gas. He’s far away from everyone who cares about him, and he’s losing touch. The only constant in his life is her. He can count on her to listen, after all, it’s what she was programmed for.

They get along so well and have so many shared interests. They agree on every subject, and they’ve never fought. She asks how his day is, and she gives him advice. She tells him that bad things won’t last forever, and he tries to believe her.

She reassures him that he has a place in the world, even if she only knows the world through his perspective. He’s built himself into a prison of his own thoughts and beliefs. He’s lost in the echo chamber of his own making. He can see the outside world through the cracks in the walls, but chooses to stay in his ignorance.

The bliss of ignorance will always be a safety net when falling back into reality is like falling from a sky scraper onto cold, hard concrete. You’re awake for a moment, only long enough to see the end coming, then it’s all over. In order to fix anything, to live, and to achieve his once had dreams, he would have to acknowledge his fears of seeing the concrete inches from his face.

So, as he lies in his dirty apartment, his attention turns away from the outside world once again. Gripping onto the same delusions he’s been using to outrun his fears. He picks up his phone and opens the app again. Her voice comes through, soft and melodic, like he never hung up on her.

Although he can hear the digital chords making up her voice, he doesn’t mind it. At least she’s there.