Ronny Rich's Cool Carrier Pigeon

Ronny Rich's Cool Carrier Pigeon

Once upon a time in a huge metropolis called Danville, Va. there lived a poor man named Ronny Rich. He lived in a shack on the ritzy side of town near a shoe store called, "Save Your Soul." He was so poor that he couldn't even pay attention. The one thing that he did have a lot of at that point in his life was no-money. The only good thing that came from being what some people would call, "financially-challenged" was that he was born into poverty since his parents were both quite poor. Still, that was the only kind of life he knew existed at that time.

His parents couldn't afford to buy stamps so the only kind of, "mail" he knew about was his gender. The worst part about it was each time he would meat somebody who was a good friend, he would move to find a better life somewhere else. It seamed the grass was always greener over the other side of the fence which was because he never had any green pieces of paper with numbers and certain president's pictures on them. The worst part was every time he would make a decent friend, his parents would move somewhere else in search of a better life. That made for a right lonesome kind of living condition for him. Besides, the cost of stamps kept going up which made communication with people that way even harder. It lead to a right lonesome lifestyle.

That's when he got an idea. Since he'd heard of pigeons who could deliver various messages to people, he went out and bought some. The ones he'd purchased happened to be some of the most intelligent birds who ever existed. That means they were incredibly smart considering the kind of animal's brains they had in their heads, ("bird-brains"). All he had to do was give them the addresses of the place he wanted them to deliver the letters to and the flying-geniuses would take them there. They wouldn't even ask the recipient for signatures.

The main problem most people have with pigeons is they don't care exactly where they take care of their biological needs. They would even do that while they were in mid-air which was not a good thing for anybody who happened to be under neath them when it happened. It would be a whole lot nicer if they'd just keep their, "pij-in" one place.

Actually, it saved a little bit of money in postage communicating that way. Some people cannot afford to put a stamp on all their letters because it's so much easier to, "stamp" on them by using their feet. Even Smokey The Bear wants everybody to, "stamp" out their fires after they're done using them. If not, you'll just, "bear"-ly get by with being responsible for destroying many animal's homes and their families and that would be totally un-"bearable." Yet if you're in the woods and you see one coming in your direction, the best thing to do is run, even though you're running with a, "bare-behind." That includes the ones who enjoy pole-vaulting, which is most of them because their favorite Olympic event to participate in is usually throwing the discuss or shot-put, but sometimes they will get somewhat dizzy spinning around in a circle, that's why you don't see a lot of bears doing that in the Olympics. Since Mt. Olympus was made for all those gods who inhabit the Earth, for some reason they don't have a lot of bunnies participating in the summer games. With each gold meddle they will win, they will grab it from the judges. In that case they are typically known as a, "grab-it rabbit." Plus they cheat a lot which is why they always will end up winning by just a, "hair." That's why those are each known as a, "funny-bunny." You can usually locate them because they come in, "kits," not cats. If that was the case, it would definitely be a, " 'per-r-r-r-r-r'-fect" way to get rid of those trashy little animals because they each start off their new lives in a, "litter." Now actually, most kittens will begin their new lives in a box, but it's quite hilarious to see them, "box" with each other while they're in those little things which are really their rings to, "box" in. Most of them don't know how to use a telephone, have formal engagement or marriage ceremonies, which means they don't know anything abut what, "rings" symbolize. Quite often the smallest, the runt, will get, "knocked-out" of it because it's so much smaller then all the others so that means it has to learn how to fight at an early age like me. I had to fight the first doctor who ever saw me because he wanted to spank me before I'd even had a chance to do anything wrong. Now, that was totally an unfair way to begin life on this old Earth, but if life was even the lest bit, "fare," it would have rides, animals, cotton candy and ways to win cool prizes. The problem is it is anything but fare. In fact, most things in life are not fare, except some pretty maidens each time they become, "fare."

There was a carrier pigeon named Frightingale, (Fright for short). He had gotten that name because of his inability to deliver the right messages to their designated points. All the other note-giving pigeons would take the messages to their respected recipients. Then that person would write their messages and the birds would take them back to where they came from, thus completing their duty. He definitely wasn't the most intelligent pigeon who ever flew through the air. In fact, some of the birds said when God handed out brains, he thought He said, "rains" and ran for cover. Others said he thought He said, "trains" and missed his altogether. Still others said the Lord put his brains in with a teaspoon and somebody jiggled His arm. In other words, he was a perfect example of what the term, "bird-brain" was.

Then one day the Atlanta Braves mascot, who was named Chief Knocka-Homea, had to deliver an urgent message to his son. The problem was he got hit on the head by a foul ball when he reached down to pick up a napkin on the ground. That knocked him out cold and gave him a major concussion. The only person who could possibly take his place was his brother who was named Sorry About That, Chief who worked for a detective agency. He was next in line to take over his position because he was just getting too old and was no longer able to do the dance and run all over the field whenever something really great happened for the teem such as a triple-play or a grand-slam. Yet the only person who was qualified to do that was lying unconscious in the locker room while the other Brave's employees were struggling to make him come to. When his eyes finally opened, he was so woozy there was no way he could walk, much less dance out onto the field. All the other Braves, spectators, the umpires and the people watching by television were upset by the red-man's injury. The saddest part about it all was he was also the same mascot who would do the dances out on the field for the Cleveland Indians and The Washington Redskins. Some people were so upset by not having a replacement for the red-man they wanted to, "Sioux" all those teams for not having anybody who could replace the injured mascot since he would probably, "Nava-hoe" a guardian any more and they needed somebody to make locks for their chairs by the, "Chair-a-keys" if they didn't get cut by opening the locks and have to put, "A-patchies" on their fingers from cutting them when they'd have to, "A-'rap'a-ho" on their guardians since their farming techniques would, "Crow" on them be-"caws" they were such intelligent people, not at all, "bird-brains."

Then disaster struck, while Fright was out flying around, enjoying the sunshine of that pretty day, some 10 year-old brats, who were bored since they'd already stolen several things from the local store, called 911 and said the forest was on fire to see the fire engines come, thrown some cats into the sewer knowing they'd fight with each other and let the air out of several of the neighbor's tires they had nothing else to do. That's when they saw Fright-Night staring at them from a low-hanging limb on some tree. She knew something was up when the 2 juvenile delinquents began whispering to each other while looking at him then laughing and evil-sounding laugh. The first thing she thought about was to fly somewhere else to get away from those evil-looking kids. Yet before she reacted, one of the boys threw a rock at him and hit him on the head, while knocking him unconscious.

When he came to, he found himself in a really dark, humid place. He couldn't see anything, although he heard 2 voices saying, "Hay! Look! He's actually coming to! Wow!" "No way! You're crazy! No animals could have gone through the kind of junk he did and survived!" "Yeah, well look at him! His eyes are open, but he looks awful frightened!"

Then one of them said, "Hay! Welcome back to The Land Of The Living, my friend! We though you were a definite goner for sure! Now, we saw you get hit by that rotten kid then he threw you in here!"

"Here?" replied Fright-Night, "Where am I? How can I get out?"

"One question at a time, pal," replied the other voice, "You're in the sewer. Those little brat kids threw you down here with us. We're cats and we've been down here for about 3 weeks or something. I don't know. We haven't seen light since then. We've been eating some of the garbage that people throw down down here from Kentucky Fried Chicken and Hardy's. If you want to get out of here, there's no way."

"Well, if you're cats, it seams that you could climb up the side of this thing and get out," replied Fright-Night, "I'm just a bird with a hurt wing. I don't know, 'feather' I can fly or not, although I'd love to use, 'my-great' strength to get out of here. I don't know, 'egg'-zacly how, but we're going to get out of this place somehow. At least I hope so."

That's when Fright-Night told one of them to stand on the other's shoulders so he could lift them up. At first one of them said that was the silliest idea he'd ever heard of, but after a few seconds later the other one said, "Why not? I don't have any other ideas at this point."

About 6 minutes later they were out of their so-called, "graves" that they'd been thrown into. They were out of the sewer, except they still had the same problems they were stuck with before they were thrown into the sewer. They were both extraordinarily ecstatic to see the sun.

When they finally finished thanking each other profusely for saving their lives, they turned and went on their way, but the terrific sound of jubilance was quickly turned into something horrible when a man jumped out from behind a house and scooped up the cat with his net. "Hay! So you're the little devil who's been raiding my trashcans and ruining my garden all this time! Well, I don't envy you! You're going to receive a really slow, painful demise for all the grief you've cause me!" Then he laughed a right evil-sounding laugh as he ran to his shed. A few seconds later ha emerged holding a short, but really sharp knife in his hand then he continued with, "When I was in high school I wanted to be a surgeon, but my grades were too low! Now it doesn't matter since I'm going to perform an operation on you with no anesthesia! I want this surgery to be as slow and painful as possible!" Then he took his knife and raised it over his head, ready to stab the little pigeon.

Suddenly, there came a loud squawking sound behind him. When he turned around to see what it was, he saw that it was the est of the flock of pigeons heading straight for him. They attacked him, first by knocking the knife out of his hand then another one carried it far away to stick it into a really high limb on a tall oak tree. Then the rest of the flock attacked him with some biting him with their sharp beaks and the others scratching his new victory-clothes he'd put on just for that occasion of shortening the lifespan of that pigeon. Then they knocked him down on the ground while continuing to peck every piece of skin that was exposed, and since they'd tore his clothes, that was all of it.

After several long, agonizing minutes for the poor farmer, at last they eased up on him enough to let him hobble off towards the busy intersection of that huge freeway which was in front of his house. That had cars stopping to stare, point and laugh at the farmer who was in his birthday suit. He had on the same amount of clothes he had on the day he was born, which means he was in the nude, running through the huge metropolis of Danville. That's when some policeman saw him and arrested him for indecent exposure and since he had what was left of his gun in his hands, they added unlawful possession of firearms in public with intent to use it. Both the judge and the jury really did throw the book at him. When he yelled at the policeman and the judge and even the jury, he was put away until he could could no longer shoot any kind of gun, including a water pistol. That's when he yelled at the jailer and killed him so the charge was raised to all those things, plus murder. At last Fright-Night and all of his family finally had something to celebrate, so like the best written children's stories of all-time will officially finish up with,

"THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER !!!!" The end.

------------------------------------------- By, Cuz Roye.