Single Mama Drama: New Beginnings

With one hand on the steering wheel, the other brings my Starbucks cup up to my face. I inhale the sweet scent of my mocha, the smell of survival.

Coffee first. Meltdown later.

That is my motto for today.

It has been one of those wonderful months where everything that could go wrong does. I have been trying my hardest to keep my thoughts positive. All those "Law of Attraction" and "your thoughts become your reality" YouTube meditations I've been watching, a desperate attempt to get my life together, constantly run through my head.

Today, my reality is a pretty crappy one.

I look into the rearview mirror. James is asleep in his car seat, one of our dogs asleep with her head in his lap. The other stares out the window, panting. I don't trust rolling the window down. The last time I rolled the window down for our Rottweiler mix, the idiot jumped out because he saw a squirrel. So instead, I adjust the car vents to try and get the AC to blow into the back seat a little more.

Three hours left to go.

All I have to do is drink coffee, drive, and try not to have a mental breakdown.

I can totally do that.

Everything is perfectly fine.

Nothing to be upset about.

All that is happening is me crawling back home with a three-year-old, two dogs, no job, and accepting the defeat of another failed marriage. Oh, and after a year of custody battles with baby daddy to get permission to move out of state with my new husband because of a job he got that supposedly would “benefit our family”, I now have to say, "Never mind, court. I don't need to go to trial after all. My husband doesn't want me anymore, so I don't need to move."

If I ever date again, a guy is really going to love me.

"Oh yeah, by the way, I have a three-year-old, two ex-husbands, and a baby daddy."

What a catch I'll be.

Hell yeah.

I'm thirty years old and have nothing to show for my life.

Wait.

I take that back.

I look at the rearview mirror again. I see James.

My whole world.

My everything.

That's what I have to show for my life.

I put on some music to keep my mind from going too far into the deep, dark hole of Depression Land. I can't afford to fall into that pit of despair. I have that sweet little angel in my back seat who needs me. So once again, I take a sip of my emotional-support coffee.

At this point, I don't even feel the caffeine anymore.

It is simply my comfort item.

Coffee first. Meltdown later.

Three hours later, we pull into the Lazy L Horse Ranch, my second home growing up and where I am now embarrassingly coming back to live.

Everyone said we were getting married too soon, so facing everyone knowing they are probably thinking, I told you so, makes me sick to my stomach.

I put the car into park and shut off the engine. The dust from the gravel driveway begins to settle. The dogs in the back seat whine with anticipation.

I step out of the car and breathe in the smell of home; the scent of pine trees and horse manure. If you're a horse person, you know exactly what I mean.

Even though I don't want to be back under these circumstances, it still feels nice to be home.

This ranch had been my second home from the time I was eleven until I moved away at eighteen.

"Hey!"

I hear an excited voice shout.

"I am so excited you guys are here!"

I see Sarah, all smiles and blonde hair, my second mama, walking toward me.

"Hi!" I say in the most convincing happy voice I can manage.

She embraces me in a sympathetic hug.

"Now where is my boy?" she asks.

"He passed out on the way here," I tell her.

"Why don't you put the dogs in the backyard, and I'll wake up little man. I'll make you some iced tea before you start unloading the car."

A little while later, we are sitting in her kitchen. James sits on a cowhide rug in the living room, loving on a cat and drinking apple juice.

"You want to talk about what happened?" she asks as I drink my black Lipton tea. No sweet tea for me. That stuff is nasty.

"Well..." I start and take a deep breath. "After two years of marriage, he decided I just don't do it for him anymore. That's what he told his parents when we're all together discussing the divorce, so that was embarrassing. And apparently I'm pretty, but not beautiful..

" Things started to go downhill when I caught him on dating websites. Apparently, I was not giving him enough attention in the way he wanted, you know, physically. But it's hard with a kid, especially one who has been sick a lot and struggles to sleep. I'm exhausted by the end of the day. Anyway, since I was not giving him enough physical attention, he used that as his excuse to cheat on me with a coworker. At work. During freaking work hours.

"I trusted him at the beginning. I believed with all my heart that we will grow old together.

"I still tried to make it work, even after he cheated. I shouldn't have stayed as long as I did but I didn't want another divorce. Like Ross in Friends, I kept hearing, 'Two divorces. Two divorces. But eventually he said he didn't want to be married anymore, so yeah, here we are"

I end my venting session, trying so hard not to cry. Thinking back to when he admitted to cheating. My idiot self held his freaking hand as he cried and said it was an “accident”. What the hell was wrong with me? Why the hell did I try to comfort him that night? How can cheating be an accident? I should have asked “did you trip and fall and your penis ended up in her vagina”? Accident my ass. The sting of his betrayal and anger come rushing back. My emotions are a roller coaster.

I take another sip of tea.

"Honey, I am here for you if you need anything. Let's get your car unloaded so you two can relax a bit."

Sarah seems to know that if I sit there and talk any longer, my meltdown will finally come. I'm not ready for that, so I'm grateful for the suggestion to get to work.

Finally, everything is unloaded, and she gives me another hug.

"I'll leave you two to get settled in. Welcome home."

She walks out.

I down at James. Trying my hardest to look positive and happy for my little man.

"You want to go see the horses?" I ask him.

His eyes light up.

"Yes!"

He runs toward the door.

"Wait up! You need shoes first."

I smile at his excitement, my first real smile all day. I remember the days when I was that excited over the mere idea of seeing horses. I used to shout "Horse!" every time we drove past one.

I may have been a little obsessed.

We walk toward the pasture and stop at the fence. The old dark bay mare I learned to ride on so many years ago walks up and puts her nose into James's outstretched hand.

He giggles.

A cool breeze blows, and a feeling of peace flows through my body.

We will be happy here, at least for a while, until I get back on my feet.

I am alone, without a man.

But for the first time, I don't feel betrayal.

I don't feel failure.

I feel peace.

The kind that settles deep in your bones after you've spent too long fighting to hold everything together.

I can do this.

Maybe not perfectly. Maybe not gracefully.

But I can.

I don't need a man to complete my story.

I won't have to twist myself into someone else's version of enough.

I can focus on myself. On James. On building the life we deserve.

For the first time in a long time, the future doesn't feel scary..

The breeze brushes across my face, and for the first time in months, I don't feel broken.

I feel hopeful.

I feel free.

Coffee first.

New beginnings next.