Leia had never run so fast in her entire life. Her legs struggled to keep up with her racing mind. She looked behind her to catch the enemy soldiers running after her, their tortoise engraved swords swinging in their hands. They were still far away from her. But she knew they would catch her soon. She often wandered these forests to get away from the mundane life behind the castle walls, it was as if they were whispering her name. She had studied the architecture of the forest better than anyone had. She had painted them often in her free time.
And only she knew better than anyone else that the path she’s treading on ends at a cliff. If only she can keep running just a little bit more, she can climb down the cliff into the cave. With all her strength she runs to the edge and gently descends.
She gets a strong grip on one of the branches protruding from the ragged edges. She can see the entrance of the cave. She slowly climbs down all the while hearing the screams and curses of the confused men following her.
She swings toward the cave and balances herself at the edge, looking down at the open dry land that could’ve killed her. She hears the men retreating, thinking they’ve lost her.
Leia breathes a deep sigh of relief as she looks around trying to plan her next move. She knows she cannot climb up or down. The only way out could be through the cave. The realization sends a wave of anxiety through her body. But she was always a rebel who loved challenges.
She walks a few steps inside but she cannot see through the darkness. It will only grow darker through the night. She sits at the edge of the cave looking out at the breathtaking landscape, trying to escape the reality that she has no way out. Just then, she hears a voice call out to her from inside the cave.
“Leia.” An old man’s voice can be heard. It’s so soft that Leia doesn’t pay attention until she hears it again. The voice is cautious. As if aware Leia should not be found.
“Come here. Few steps in.” The voice says.
Leia quickly gets up, frantically looking around. She whispers back, “Who is it?”
“You will be captured soon if you don’t keep moving, my dear. Follow my voice.”
“I can’t. There’s no light.”
“Feel around the cave and keep walking to my voice.” The voice advises.
And Leia does as she’s instructed. For some reason she trusts who she hears, despite the unfamiliarity. She slowly walks forward into the darkness, feeling the walls of the cave. As she walks forward, she can see the glimpse of light. It’s golden light from a flame. She’s not alone.
“Not as stubborn as they say. Your aura is golden just like the glow of this fire in a dark cave” Leia sees an old man hunched near the fire in one corner. Her eyes scan the room and land on the giant hole in the middle that she could’ve fallen into if it wasn’t for the light.
“Who are you?” She inquires.
The man turns to look at her. Leia gasps at his figure. There’s a huge red gash on his face from one side of his forehead to the other side of his chin.
“My identity does not matter princess. What matters is your escape. You see, jumping inside the cave was both smart and dumb.”
“Why is it dumb?”
The man chuckles to himself. “Aren’t you lucky that you’re not alone?”
“I suppose.” Leia says sinking down to his level, warming her hands as the cave feels colder. She sits with her legs crossed and inches closer to the fire.
“You look familiar.” She tells the man. “Kenneth, the banished mage.”
Kenneth shrugs his shoulders, nodding his head in defeat. He reaches with trembling hands into his shirt pocket and pulls out a strand of hair. Leia grimaces at the sight and skeptically tilts her head. The fine black strand hangs in his hand.
“It’s yours.” He says handing it to her. “I know everything that happened and everything that can happen. Your only way out is to keep moving through this cave….alone,….like, right now.”
Leia stares at him with fear in her eyes at the thought of moving alone again in the darkness. “Why can’t you come with me?”
He pulls off the blanket covering the lower half of his body to reveal his amputated legs. Kenneth can read her worries. “I’m only stuck here till I regain my powers.” He says looking up at the cave walls and back at her. “Please don’t let me hold you back.”
He hands her a flaming torch to hold. Leia nods her head and glances at the giant hole in the middle of the cave. She wonders how many such death traps are inside the cave. But she has no time to waste, as Kenneth signals her to keep moving quickly.
She rushes through the only other opening besides the hole, which is a narrow path. She slides through it with ease and walks carefully from side to side for what feels like ages. Her breathing quickens as the path feels tighter but then she notices the end. She can see the moonlight fall on the rocky ground of the cave. She paces quickly to get out.
As she takes her final steps and exits the slim path, she spins around in joy looking above at the moonlight. All she has to do is climb up. She searches around and finds giant rocks that she moves with great difficulty. Her idea of stacking them on top of each other fails as they’re too heavy to lift.
Not willing to give up, she climbs on the big rock which slightly elevates her. She places both her palms at the sides of the opening and uses all her arm strength to pull herself up. Her face gets hit by the fresh air outside. Finally, she’s free after running for days from her rivals.
She climbs out and before she can fully recover from the tedious experience, she hears the sound of a sword cutting through the wind and landing right by her neck.
“Make a move and you die!” A man menacingly whispers in her ear.
Her eyes fall on the emblem on the sword. It’s a bright blue colored tortoise. These are the rivals she was running from.
With the sword softly placed beside her neck, the man turns her around to the other men.
“We have captured the princess of Solaris. We must retreat back to the kingdom for her beheading.” Her captor shouts. The soldiers rejoice at her capture.
Suddenly the air gets thick. The wind stops. A golden light emerges in the middle of the commotion that slowly gets bigger to form a full circle as big as the trees of the forest. The entire color spectrum rotates in between the golden circle and out comes the banished mage Kenneth with a cane in his hand and his new regenerated legs.
The man holding the sword to Leia’s neck quickly drops it to his side and runs to get on his horse. The other men look in horror as they slowly back away.
Kenneth waves his hand in circular motion and a huge ball of fire manifests from thin air. He sends it in the direction of the soldiers which envelopes the men as they shriek in horror while burning.
Leia watches with relief and disbelief at the sight of the fire eating away all her enemies. She glances at Kenneth who watches the show with a steady gaze, completely unbothered.
“You saved my life.” Leia whispers softly as she tears up.
“Of course I would.” Kenneth says looking at her. “You’re a good soul. And I love good souls.”
The fire starts to die and all the life of her enemies withers out with it.
“Thank you Kenneth. I owe you my life.” She tells him folding her hands and bowing down in gratitude.
“You do actually. It’s because of good people like you that I could survive through the last millennium. All I needed was to get out of that damn cave.” He says, wincing at the idea of being trapped there for so long.
Before Leia could process what was happening. Kenneth outstretches his hand toward the sky. Clouds quickly gather blocking the moonlight to leave them with a soft greyish glow in the forest. Leia looks up to see lightning form in the clouds.
“Why are you doing this?” She asks him with pleading hands falling to the ground, begging for her life.
“You never asked why I was banished. I feed on pure souls. I sensed yours when I was working in your kingdom. The golden light, only the rarest of the rare are born with it. I’ve been tracking you all this time with that fine strand of hair. Your soul can help me survive another half of a millennium. I would never forget your sacrifice to the greatest mage to ever walk on earth.” And with that Kenneth brings down the most powerful blue lightning that strikes Leia’s body. The golden hued soul ascends to the sky and in a single strike gets transferred to him.
Kenneth looks up at the golden light bathing him making him feel renewed.
The clouds start to vanish and Leia’s lifeless body looks in horror at the sky.
Kenneth simply stares into the distance with a new glow to his face. He discards the cane and steps forward with a certain ease. He decides to walk away from Solaris to a new town, plotting the next adventure he plans to have till he would need to find another pure soul to kill.
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You’ve got something good here—the pacing pulls you through, and Leia’s urgency at the start works. I never felt lost in the action, which is already a win.
The twist with Kenneth is strong in idea. It flips the “wise helper” into something darker, and that’s exactly the kind of move that sticks. It just needs a bit more setup—one or two subtle hints earlier, so it feels inevitable instead of sudden. (just my opinion, given in good faith)
Also, watch repetition and phrasing (“she runs,” “she looks,” “she hears”). Varying that will instantly lift the prose. (again, my humble advice, in good faith)
Keep going with this. The imagination is there—you just need to sharpen the execution.
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Thank you so much for the feedback and encouragement! I'm glad to know the pacing and the urgency worked! I do agree that some foreshadowing in the beginning would help enhance the story.
I definitely need to work on the repetitive phrasing. It's something I'll keep in mind while working on my next story!
Appreciate you for taking the time to write down such a thoughtful comment! Thanks again!
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I love reading stories from fellow writers. There's so much to learn!
Curious what you think of my latest story.
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Yes I would absolutely love to check out your new story!
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