The Drive Home

The bell rang above the door, loudly letting everyone know final period was over and everyone was free to head home. I found my boyfriend Andrew waiting by my locker. He was already leaning against it and texting someone when I approached. His eyebrows were furrowed and his soft pink lips were pulled into a hard thin line.

“So, what’d you get on Mr. Olson’s test?” I asked as I nudged him out of my way so I could swap my books for my favorite sweater.

“Oh, um, I think I got an 87. What about you?”

“I got a 100, HA! Told you to study with me on Wednesday.” I teased in an attempt to lighten the mood.

“No fair. I bet you could have aced it even without studying.”

“Probably, but we’ll never know because I always do.” I stuck my tongue out at him and he flashed me a sideways grin. He looked deeply into my eyes and reached out to tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear. It’s a sweet gesture that he usually does when we cuddle on the couch and watch movies.

I take a moment to internally thank the gods. Andrew is the hottest guy in this tiny school and he’s all mine. We may or may not be the resident “golden couple” at Ridgeline High. He plays soccer, because, of course he does. I am decidedly less athletic and more academic. I do like to run, but only as my own personal therapy time.

I wave goodbye to a few friends in the parking lot as Andrew throws our bags in the back seat. He has lightened up a little but I can still feel some weird tension. Is he mad at me for something? Maybe he’s just stressing about his game tonight. It’s the first away game of the season and I already told him I’d be skipping it because it’s an hour away. If I had my own car I’d probably rally some of the girls together to go, but no one else was planning on making the trip so I’ll just sit this one out.

The drive home was uncomfortably quiet. It felt tense. Normally we’d spend this time debriefing the day or singing along to whatever was on the radio, but today, the only sound was the hum of tires against the pavement. I watched the blurred green of early summer trees through the window, trying to shake the prickle of unease.

“Hey,” I finally said, my voice sounding small in the cabin. “What’s going on with you?”

“What do you mean?” Andrew didn’t look at me. His grip on the steering wheel tightened.

“I don’t know. You just seem… heavy. Is everything okay?”

He stared straight ahead at the asphalt. “Yeah. I mean, I guess.”

The wall he’d put up was visible now, thick and cold. I tried to pivot, desperate to find the “us” that had been laughing on FaceTime just yesterday. “Well, a new donut place is opening this weekend. I thought maybe we could go? My treat.”

“I don’t know, Elli. I’m kind of busy.” He ran a hand through his sandy, shaggy hair, keeping his eyes on the road ahead.

“With what?”

He hesitated, his jaw working. “Family stuff,” he said, his tone clipped and final.

Andrew has been driving me to and from school every day since he got his license. It’s never been this awkward before. I decide to just leave it alone. I roll down the window and let the early summer breeze wash over me while Notion by Kings of Leon plays on the radio.

He pulled into my empty driveway, his expression falling somewhere between nervous and sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. He chewed the inside of his cheek and looked down before answering. I know he didn’t say it in slow motion, but that’s how I heard it.

“We need to talk.” His golden eyes locked onto his lap.

The world around us froze to a complete stillness. My heart started pounding heavy against my rib cage. Suddenly my bra felt four sizes too small. He said the scariest, unhappiest string of words known to mankind. I’ve never been dumped before but I have seen many chick flicks in my life. I know what comes next.

“What do you mean?”

“You know..” he struggles with his wording “You know I’m going to Syracuse in the fall.”

“I’m aware.”

He struggled to find the words.

“Look Elli, I love you so much, and we’ve had a really great time together. But I think it’s time to break up.”

Suddenly, breathing has become the most difficult thing in the world.

“But.. we still have all summer.” I said as tears started to swell.

“I know. I guess I don’t really know what I want, but it’s not fair to string you along while I try to figure it out.”

“String me along for what, two more weeks until we graduate!?” I stammer out. “What did I do? Why right now? I just don’t understand.” I demand.

“No, Elli. You’ve been a perfect girlfriend. It’s about me and my messed up head, I swear.” He looks down at his cuticles as he picks them nervously.

I have never been this simultaneously hurt and confused in my life. My adrenaline is racing as the tears start flowing freely. I do my best not to full-on sob in front of him, but it’s becoming a losing battle. It’s not fair to say I didn’t see this coming, I knew we weren’t going to last forever. I just didn’t think in a million years that it would be happening now. I thought I still had more time with him.

“Please Andrew, please don’t do this.” I beg. I’m ashamed to admit that I’m begging him not to break up with me but I can’t stop myself. My emotions are a runaway train.

“I’m sorry Elli. Please don’t hate me. I want us to stay friends.” His face looks pained. At least this isn’t easy for him.

I don’t know what else to say to him. I just need to get away so I can let this impending wave of sorrow take me over so I can get it out.

“I.. I’m gonna go.” Pushing my door open I reach in the back seat to grab my stuff. My brain is struggling to process what just happened. My heart is shattered into a thousand little pieces all across his car.

The walk towards my front door feels like a movie, it just does not feel real. My ego tells me not to look back but my heart has to take one last glance. He looks beautiful, the way he puts his sun tanned arm around the seat that’s still warm with my presence as he turns to back out. Straightening his blue Malibu out on the road he turns to look back at me before pulling away and driving out of my life.

I’m left a ghost of myself standing on the porch. Trapped somewhere between our past and present, I replay every little detail of the last week. Nothing stood out as being a warning sign but maybe that’s why I’m so blind sided, I wouldn’t have recognized one even if it hit me in the face. We were just laughing on the phone last night while we watched funny videos together on facetime. There was no moment to prepare me for the possibility that in less than 24 hours I’d be heartbroken and single.

Then it hits me; I have finals next week. I have to focus. How dare he do this to me right now. Seriously, he couldn’t wait until after graduation? It had to be right now? That’s just so cruel and careless of him. How am I supposed to deal with passing him in the hallways, and seeing him at graduation. What am I supposed to say to our friends? People are going to have questions. Hell I have questions. And our summer plans! We were going to get summer jobs together at the movie theater, it was going to be so fun. Now that’s down the drain. I’ll still need a summer job to save up for a car to get to school in the fall. Maybe Mom can get me a receptionist gig at her salon.

After a big deep breath, a huge sob works its way up my throat and out through my soul. I didn’t know a heart could hurt so damn bad without having a physical problem. I don’t want to go in and face my mother, but I can’t really do this here. We have neighbors and I don’t want to freak them out. I take another deep breath and reach for the handle.