Shift

The body lay in the ground of the open grave, wrapped lightly in a thin blanket, loose specks of dirt already falling down upon its edges as if the earth itself wanted to swallow it whole.

Elijah bore the weight of his guilt like a leaden coat as he choked out, “he was a part of our family before I was even born and will be forever.” He knew he would carry it in his heart longer than anyone else in his family because of his part in the demise.

Tiffany had tears running down her cheeks, she felt so forlorn it extended into the very tips or her fingers and toes and filled her entire body like a dark blue liquid she didn’t know if she’d ever be able to release. When she tried to speak her voice caught in her throat with the heaviness in her chest and nothing came out.

Her mother, Carly, knelt down next to her and held her close to her heart, trying to send her warm waves of comfort to break through her grief. She was wishing she could take this all away, wondering if she should have hidden this experience from her children. Were they too young? Would this effect them forever? What could she say to make it better?

She nodded in agreement with her son’s words, “his sweet soul will always be a part of us.” Elijah winced at the words, afraid he’d always need to live with the reminder.

Their father, Ben, knelt on the ground with a small shovel, trying his best to not laugh or roll his eyes through the whole affair. He wasn’t sure why his wife had insisted on doing this. The crayfish had been replaced many times before Elijah took it out to look at it and accidentally dropped it on the floor. They’d had at least twenty in his lifetime, he certainly hadn’t been alive before the kids.

He looked up to see his wife glaring at him and cleared his throat to say, “he is safe and one with the earth now.” Wow, did this feel so misguided by his wife. He looked at his poor son and saw him wracked with guilt.

They each passed the shovel around and scooped a scoop of dirt in, covering the small hole and then some easily.

Carly picked Tiffany up and brought her inside to her room.

“Mama,” Tiffany finally found her voice, “when will I feel better?”

Carly wondered to herself if her children were too young to learn about this. Yet now

here they were. The best she felt she could do now was to be sure they know that feelings shift. That all feelings were okay and allowed and also that they weren’t forever. “I’m not sure baby,” she replied with all honesty, “but I can promise you that you will, and I can stay here with you until you do. Which book should we start with?”

Tiffany trotted over to her bookshelf and grabbed as many books as she could fit in her hands. “We might be here awhile,” she told her mother.

Carly laughed gently as Tiffany snuggled into the small bed next to her. There Carly held

her close and read her the books until her grief slowly left her body and was replaced by joy. Ah, the gift of children to be in the moment they are in fully. Carly herself found herself ruminating about what Elijah must be thinking, and found herself praying he wouldn’t find himself locked up in his own shame.

Meanwhile, Ben walked into Elijah’s room to check on him. He found Elijah watching tv while he picked at the skin around his nails. Ben winced as he realized his bad habit that led to bloody fingers at least once a week had been passed down to his son. He sighed and brought himself back to what he could control. Walking up to his bedside he patted Elijah on the shoulder and said, “lets take a walk son.”

Elijah’s feet felt heavy as he nodded. A small tear running down his cheek he turned away and hid it from his father. Ben noticed and sighed. He couldn’t let his son's obvious guilt wrack him any longer.

As they left the house behind them and walked up the road he started explaining, “Elijah, that wasn’t the first crayfish we’ve had.”

Elijah’s head whipped around to look up at him, “what?” his mind tried to make sense of it all.

“Yea,” Ben smiled down at him, “in fact, your mom and I have both made our own fair share of mistakes with them along with some of them just passing on their own.”

“But,” Elijah could hardly process it as he stammered, “it wasn’t crayfish Charlie in there?”

Ben shook his head, “well it was, it just wasn’t the first.”

Elijah felt his heart lighten and he began to understand what his dad was explaining as he continued, “one time your mother cleaned the tank and didn’t put him back quickly enough. One time I put in a new decoration house and accidentally smashed it. Many of them just passed overnight. One time we were all having dinner and I noticed one floating to the top and quickly ran to the pet store to replace it before you guys even finished. ”

“I remember that!” he quipped, “mom said you had such a big fart you had to drive down the street.”

They both chuckled at the memory.

“So,” Elijah went on, his shoulders and back loosened as he felt so much relief, “it wasn’t my fault?”

They had stopped walking and Ben knelt down to look in his eyes, “no son, of course we should never hurt an animal on purpose, but death is simply the way of things. You don’t need to carry this on your shoulders. Crayfish only live a little while.”

“Wowza,” Elijah let himself let the tension in his body go completely as his father put his arms around him. He fell limply into the warm, familiar embrace.

“I love you son, you’re going to be okay,” they hugged there at the corner of their street and Elijah knew in his heart he already was.