Miles in Between Thinking Aloud

Naja stands in front of her bedroom window. The smoke from her incense holds still in front of her as she keeps her eyes closed. R&B music softly plays as she allows the broken feelings of her most recent heartbreak to fill the room. Tears filled her eyes but none had fallen. The only thing falling is how clear the memories are now and how much she could feel her past partner's hands. Fleeting. Now as this new summer ends, she feels just like "The Fool' tarot card. A desire for new beginnings. And a new sweet tone spoken over the name: Vihana.

There’s always enough space to yearn for anew.

She wants to connect without having to put her emotions in a bottle.

Wait for them to complete their journey floating against the ocean waves.

Can’t just leave it up for the universe to bring her to you.

In her mind “you miss every shot you never take.”

Yet she’s divided.

It is enough for her to just know that she will see you at a party.

Or laugh on a beach.

Yet not enough for her to not give you effort or pause her desire.

In between her silence you miss the noise of her eyes following yours.

The moments she takes to capture your essence off a screen.

So she steps back… pulls you away without a deal being made.

Leaving her desire in picture frames- and unreturned hair ties.

Leaving her yearning as miles in between stranger and crush.

~waiting for the sunset~

It was last summer when she first saw Vihana. She had let out a short breath watching her pull her hair back. Naja’s lips parted before closing once Vihana made eye contact. It wasn’t love at first sight. It was an acceptance that even if attracted by her beauty she wouldn’t be able to get too close. They held eye contact and laughed between initial introductions.

Naja saw no need to chase when she saw this as nothing more than curiosity of new beginnings. For she already had a crush at this time. On someone who she could see twenty minutes down the road. Could touch without waiting months. A friend she could dream of more intimately than this new face that will only stay in distance. She had someone she met more than once and Vihana was just a summer crush.

It scared her. To like a new thing because it came without knowledge. Yet there was no denial of the space Vihana had taken up. Naja had guided Vihana and her best friend to her apartment. They enjoyed the next day until night began to fall. Vihana sat on her floor. Crossed legs and doe eyes. Naja had hoped that this gaze was telling her that Vihana had found her attractive to. A tiny taste of the happiness that could come letting someone new in.

The next morning, this beautiful stranger and Naja’s best friend were to leave again. She had to move out because her lease was up and the others had to go back to school out of state. Everyone Naja is close to lives out of state.

A few weeks later they came back and all of them went to the beach.

Naja remembered the pictures. Remembered the way Vihana swam in the ocean and how she reacted when Naja finally put all of her hair into the ocean water. And she recorded it because she convinced herself it was for Vihana’s enjoyment but it was really for her. To have something tangible that expressed what her eyes were admiring. The slight lust she felt made goodbye hard. An easier letting go than her best friend but still hard.

In acceptance to them being strangers, she hugged her bye. The mutual whom she would have no societal allowance to be with, she hugged. Even now she remembers that embrace. It felt so new it came with slight resistance but it was a moment in which she wished she hadn’t had to let go. For she saw Vihana as 'cool.' Still does.

Time had passed before Naja had gone out of state to visit her family and friends. She sees them at least twice a year. The hypothetical lover she wanted to be with was just as they kept saying… hypothetical. It was time spent learning that she was the only one ready for a relationship. She still cared though. About it all. Wanting to get closer to the mutual and let go of the hypothetical.

Either way she went to a party to support her long distance best friend. This would be the second year of a tradition her best friend had started. After sharing moments with her best friend, the guests had started to arrive. Vihana came in with a friend. Someone Naja already could tell had romantic feelings for Vihana. Even with knowing that, none of it mattered once Vihana turned that corner.

The summer days were beginning to end. Naja didn't care for the beauty Vihana had that was taking her breath away. At this moment, Naja simply wished for the memories to not fade into “a summer to never revisit.” She sat in the quick gaze that made her forget that they are friends (or working towards it… or not).

Then Naja’s ex-girlfriend showed up. She came with a new partner. Out of all the times they had crossed paths, Naja chose not to further a conversation this time. For once her heart wasn’t pulled to wanting more. Nor did her mind play any memories. She allowed herself to forget that her ex was even there.

When her song came on she dragged Vihana away from the crowd to dance with her. Naja loved to dance. An activity she loves because her entire guard falls away, and her hips feel every beat as if she was born under rhythm and sound. Vihana was receptive so they simply just had fun. As girls in their twenties do when they feel they have nothing to lose.

As the party was still going, Naja slipped away, overstimulated. She left Vihana to enjoy her more long term connections. She went outside to walk her old school friends to their car and they ended up talking for hours. Her best friend joined them, making the conversation longer. They all stood under a tree as the thunder clouds rolled in. It rained as she began forgetting how passion driven she had just shown herself to be.

The memories of being rained on brought her back in front of her incense smoke. It is wrapping around her as if reacting to her sudden shift in emotions. The elements around her can feel how sudden she dropped into her feelings.

Thunder rumbles in the sky above, taking her focus off of the music playing in the background. She opens her eyes to see the rain rolling down her window. More than a memory.

The sun is beginning to set. Droplets of orange and pink race each other down the windowpane

She knows she’s stuck thinking about the memories until she forgets it as she did once before. When she thinks of future plans to gather with friends she can't help but want to include Vihana. But no single person is hers and half the time she thinks that Vihana wouldn’t want a friendship if Naja's best friend is not there. Could they simply just be… alone?

The lack of effort will cause her to be forgettable if she refuses to invite Vihana anyway. And Naja questions much of her hesitation but she can’t live overthinking it. So she doesn’t. For if she does she’d have to tell her best friend, and she can’t seem to do that either.

That summer night, she formed a crush, began letting go of another and finally got over an ex. All in one night of dancing and memories.

All in one summer.

Now she asked… is this really a summer to never revisit?