Ralph's Terrible Relationship With Drugs

Ralph's Terrible Relationship With Drugs

Once upon a time in a huge metropolis called Danville, Va. there lived a man named Ralph. He had been a sailor but he got sea-sick too easy. That's when he would lean over the side of the potty and yell, "Ralph!" The technical term for that was, "call, 'Ralph' on the big white telephone." It was to be expected since his twin brother Ron, was the pilot of an airplane who had a severe case of acrophobia. His mama was a nurse who had hemophilia which is the fear of blood. Actually to be technical, the acronym for fear is False-Expectations-Appearing-Real which is a fact. It seamed like failure was in Ralph's jeans, along with some patches and grass stains. He had some mountains which required some climbing, but the reason for doing that was, as everybody knows, "because it's there." One problem he had when he went up to the mountains was his ears would not pop properly like most peoples which meant he never would have been able to be on the Appalachian State's team because that is known as, "The Mountain-'ears.' "

He had always had a hard time with getting dates while he was in the fraternity since the only thing he knew about, "dates" was that they were sweet, although they could be, "the pits" if going with the wrong kind of girl. Since he was in school back in the 50s, he also had a hard time going to the dances, or sock-hops as the were called back in those days, although one time he got in an argument with some guy over who could dance with a certain girl and his, "sock-hopped" up and kicked the other guy which caused him to be suspended from school. His mamma thought that really stunk over something as ridiculous as the silly sock-hop so she said, "Shoe!"

After graduation Ralph met a cute girl who didn't work-out for him, so he left her. The problem was he couldn't even remember her name, but he didn't think any more about her until 2 years later he ran into her at Walmart, and I mean he literally, "ran into her" with his shopping cart. That caused both of them to crash on to the floor, with each one rolling backwards and knocking down the whole isle of really fragile china, which knocked 3 other shoppers backwards, smashing into the cake isle. That knocked every one of the 495 cakes on to the floor, braking the china plates and spreading cakes throughout 2 isles. That caused 5 customers to slip and fall into the electronics department and knocked down 12 big-screen t vs and smashed all of them. That attracted the whole security gang to come running. They all took pictures of the poor, bewildered couple lying on the floor among all those exceptionally expensive merchandise. It just so happened that some of the security guys were right there to see the whole thing so they invited her not to come back to Walmart any more, or to any Walmart in the entire country for that matter. Her picture was sent to all of them with a note saying "This woman is literally a walking disaster-area. If you see her, don't let her come into your store if you're smart." Those pictures was posted on both Facebook and every other on-line website to be shown throughout the entire Continental U. S. A., Mexico, South America and every other neighboring country near by.

That made poor Ralph want to try some alternative ways of worship since the Lord was definitely not being at all helpful to him. That's when he changed to worshiping Satin, so he checked out every book on Devil Worship in the library and Googled all he could find on the subject. Since Christians were limited in the things they were allowed to do, worshiping the devil, Satin, Lucifer, the Advesary, Prince Of Darkness, The Enemy, Beyelsibub, The Man Downstairs, Captain Zero appeared to have more cool things to do which were fun. One reason was because he figured anybody who had that many aleouses couldn't be but so bad of a person to worship. Besides, he figured somebody who had that many nicknames was bound to have something the other Guy did not have.

He was quite excited about his new life. It would be some kind of fantastic being able to do anything that he wanted to that Christians were not supposed to do. All the books he read about that intrigued him to wonder why he hadn't changed over to Satin worship sooner. He was excited about being able to steel things, mess around with wild-women who were married, do whatever he wanted on Sundays, not listen to his parents or any of those things that Christians are not supposed to do. It made him wonder why he hadn't changed over years before then. It was also great not having to get up and go to Church on Sundays. After sinning a lot for several days, it made him wonder why he hadn't done it way long before that time.

So that's when he met a girl named Satin. She was really beautiful, and when she found out he was not a Christian, she fell into his arms. Ralph had found some true-love for the first time in his life, or so he thought. When Satten got him into her house since she lived by herself, she had him doing lots of imaural things. Ralph wondered why he'd wasted so much time being a Christian because he was having a lot more fun being so nasty with Satan.

Finally she talked him into taking drugs like she did. The first one took him on a terrific trip. He saw all kinds of psychedelic cullors and felt like he was literally in Heaven. That made him take some more of them. Then before he knew what was happening to him, he'd been turned into a crackhead. Then he sold some of them and was really getting rich. Meanwhile he continued taking the drugs himself, wondering why he'd waited so long to start doing those things. That's when he began taking even more of them since he thought it would send him on an even bigger and stronger trip. Sine he had stopped going to Church, he had even more time to do his drugs.

Then one night, it happened. He figured that if some drugs could send him on a trip and had made him feel that good, more drugs would be even greater, so that's when he took a triple dose of that stuff. He was right. He saw all those psychedelic lights twinkling around him and he felt better then he'd ever felt in his life. That made him take even more of them. He knew how to get some more of it and so he took almost the entire bottle of pills. He figured if some was good, that more would be considerable better.

That time he saw holucinations again, but it was terrible things such as monsters with long fangs and claws roaring and reaching out for him. He screamed in terror as even more monsters joined them. Then they grabbed him. Some began to eat his feet and hands whereas others opened a gate and pushed him through it into darkness which set him on fire. The flames engulfed him while several monsters pulled his limbs off. As the blood was spraying out of his body, they'd eat his limbs. While he screamed in pain and frustration, all the monsters would beet him and then they tore off another body-part and ate it. The whole time he had flames pouring all around him.

That's when he felt 2 right burly men on either arm, holding him down on the hospital bed. They were yelling, "Hay! He's coming to! There's no way! I thought he was a goner for sure!" "You're crazy! There's no way he can come back!" "Yeah, well he's doing it!" "I don't believe it!"

Then he saw several eyes come down to meet his own. "Rest easy, son," said another man while patting his arms, "You're really fortunate to be in one piece! We thought you were a goner, kid! Now, take it easy! We have you!"

"Who are you?" asked Ralph, "What am I doing here?"

"You're in a hospital," said a soothing voice while patting his hand, "You took some kind of drugs and flipped out on us! Somebody called us and told us you were having a fit! If we'd arrived a few seconds later you would have died!"

"Is he alright?" said a really familiar voice, "They told me to come here right away because he was dying!"

That voice belonged to his mother. Several doctors and nurses tried to hold her back, but she broke past them and embraced him in a huge bear-hug. Actually, it was more like a mamma hug, which is far better with more love in it.

She was sobbing uncontrollably. She covered his face with kisses while some other doctors and nurses entered the room. They were in shock that Ralph was alive at all.

"Welcome back, son," said a different voice who wasn't as hysterical. It belonged to his daddy. "We thought you had left us! If you do that again I'll kill you!" the he laughed.

After Ralph's discharge, he never took any more drugs. Then he invested some of the money he'd made from selling them into doing research which would help treat victims of drug-abuse. Since he was clean, his grades were so high, he was sought after by some major colleges such as Harvard, Yale, Princeton and University Of Danville. That's where he met a girl in his creative-writing class named Miss Write. After dating a while he, "popped-it," and she said, "Yeah!" They were married and a year later they blessed the human race with an 8 pound bundle-of-joy who also grew up being mighty athletic and extremely smart. That was the pattern for several generations. So like the best-written stories of all-time will officially finish up with,

"THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER !!!!"

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The end. By, Cuz Roye.