The Raventurian 'Threat'

I was reviewing reports on the Raventurian threat aboard the flagship of the Interplanetary Dynamic Integration for Offensive Task-force, when I was shocked to see Agent A enter my office. Now, this wouldn’t normally be an issue; I was the director of intelligence for the Galactic Republic, and he was my top Agent after all. It was normal for him to report to me after a mission.

But the reason why I was surprised this time was because I was almost certain that I had sent him on a suicide mission just the day before.

He must have seen it in my face because he smiled as he sat in the seat before my desk. "Morning, Director. Reporting in. Mission successful," he said calmly.

“…” I didn’t know what to say, my lips moving without sound, before I managed to string together something.

“Y-you, completed the mission.”

He reached into his suit pocket and placed the Strange Matter Device on my desk. Its prismatic light glowed through the containment glass, painting my desk with shifting colours.

I stared at the marvel of energy technology that powers, or rather had powered, the Raventurians’ most deadly weapon, the Unification Device. A machine that, once planted on an unsuspecting world, has the power to control the minds of every sentient being that lives on the planet. Turning them all into fanatics who welcome their invaders with open arms and help them with their goals of universal conquest.

But now, with this device no bigger than my clenched fist, they can develop a countermeasure to free those poor souls from their tyrannical masters. They can now fight back.

Yet that leaves only one question.

“…h-how did you do it? How did you bypass all their orbital defences, infiltrate the planet, avoid all the security measures and steal the very thing that powers their greatest weapon? There were so many ways that this could have ended in your death; hundreds before you over the years have attempted this mission and have never returned, yet you did. How did you manage to get the Strange Matter Device from those monsters in a single day?”

“It was quite simple, actually.” The agent replied, still as calm now as he must have been when he stared down death and walked away without a scratch.

“Tell me,” I ordered as I brought up a holo-doc to record what must be a legendary recounting of tactical acumen and infiltrative genius. “We could use this information for future missions to fight back against those invasive parasites, and afterwards, you will go down in history as the greatest agent that the universe has ever seen.”

The universe’s greatest agent looked me in the eyes and told me exactly what he did.

"I asked them, 'Could I have the Strange Matter Device, please?'" he replied.

I snorted. "Funny, Agent A. But seriously, what did you do?"

“I asked them, ‘Could I have the Strange Matter Device please?’”

A moment of silence stretched between us, my mind going blank at what I had heard. The words Agent A spoke were simply impossible; everyone knew what the Raventurians were like. They were monsters. A species of tyrants that grew their army with each planet they conquered, imposing their will on a psychically controlled population to worship them.

And for those who opposed them? They were never heard from again.

Shocked, I could only make incoherent sounds that I wished were words as I tried to speak.

I finally managed to say something after a moment or two. “W-what?”

“Yeah, I was quite surprised by it too,” Agent A confirmed, as he told me the unbelievable story. “Though after everything that happened, maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised.”

After waiting for me to say something, I only squeaked out one word. “Explain.”

“Okay, so as I was arriving on their planet…” Agent A started.

“You encountered their weapons platform around the planet.” I finished for him, knowing about those dastardly defence systems the tyrants had.

“I encountered their Welcome platforms,” Agent A corrected.

“What?” I couldn’t help but ask.

“Yeah, they are these machines that scan your brain, find out what you like to drink, make it, then send it over to your ship with a lovely little welcome note. I even got a bit of cake too. Then I made my way to the planet…”

“Stealthily?” I asked to try and regain some modicum of normalcy in Agent A’s tale.

“No, I followed the flight path that was provided by the platform. They even included some beautiful scenic routes. I’m thinking of visiting again after this. So, once I landed, I was greeted by some of the Revanturians.”

“You know what they look like?!” I couldn’t help but exclaim, no one in the Galactic Republic had had a chance to meet one, so we only had the expert opinions of our top scientist, who described them as giant, hulking brutes who looked more like devils than anything else. These reports, I would later discover, were based entirely on the bad guys in the latest FPS game that our scientists were playing.

“Yeah,” Agent A easily agreed. “They looked more like big teddy bears than anything, very fluffy and quite adorable. And really helpful too. Once I told them what I was after, they handed me a Strange Matter Device straight away. They have hundreds of the things.”

My world was shattering as I tried to grasp something solid in this sea of, quite frankly, bizarre events. “But, they mind-controlled planets. The Unification Device…”

“Doesn’t mind-control anything,” Agent A helpfully destroyed that last bit of solid ground. “It is called a Unification Device, but it’s to help heal the planet. The Raventurians go around, find planets struggling with things like unstable planetary cores, holes in their ozone layers, or famine and disease, and help out. They even ask if they want help first.”

“So, when we went to one of those planets…” I asked as my mind was finally starting to make sense of what I was hearing.

“They weren’t controlled in any way,” Agent A confirmed with a smile. “They were just really thankful. It seems like we just assumed mind control without actually checking.”

“Wait!” I suddenly shouted, grasping for any proof of the monsters they were. “What about the other Agents we sent to the Ravenure? They never came back because they killed them.”

“Actually, they just live on the planet now because they like it so much.”

“GOD DAMN IT!” My fist slammed against my desk and rattled the stationery there, some of which was knocked over.

“I even saw Agent L there, too,” Agent A said, seeming to enjoy adding to the chaos. “He even met someone there and got engaged. They are planning a spring wedding.”

My frustration eventually fizzled out, leaving behind tiredness and second-hand embarrassment. “So, everything we did to fight these guys…”

“Was completely unneeded, yeah.” Agent A finished the sentence for me.

I leaned back in my chair and sighed in dread. “We owe so many planets so much money.”

“I imagine so,” Agent A said as he stood up and straightened his clothes a little. “So I’m going back to help Agent L with his wedding. I’m his best man, so I have to.”

“Right,” my voice heavy with exhaustion.

“So I’ll just leave you to sort this mess out with I.D.I.O.T., and maybe so you can find a corner to cry in until you feel better.”

“That sounds nice,” were the last words I spoke to Agent A as he left my office for Raventure. Later that day, I also received Agent L’s wedding invitation from the planet.