How Pun-Elopy Dealt With Lonlyness

How, "Pun"-elopy Dealt With Lonlyness

Once upon a time in a huge metropolis called Danville, Virginia there lived a girl named Penelope who adored puns more then any-body in the world, second only to Cuz Roye. In fact, that was the nickname she was given because of that. She loved making fun of the English language with all it's play-on-words. People called her a real wordsmith because she loved homonyms, or some people called them homophones, which are words that sound alike but have different meaning such as, "A jungle animal with no fur is called a, 'bare-bear.' " She thought that was the cleverest kind of humor ever made. The problem was most, "normal" people in the real-world didn't agree. They'd either moan and shake their heads or didn't get what she was saying. She was the first to admit to that because she loved the k-9 breeds more then people. She said that's because they make her life a lot less, "Ruff!" but when they would get upset they'd say, "Aw 'person-gone-it!' " Another reason she loved the little creatures so much is because they lead the same kind of life she lead. That wouldn't have been such so bad except many of the people around her just didn't get her funny lines, or as she would so graphically call them, "punny" lines.

Then one day when her daddy was working on the underside of his car, she came out and said, "Hay, Daddy. What are you doing under there under neath you car?" He told her to get his dolly so he could roll under it. When she got it, she said, "Here you go, Daddy. Say, 'Hello Dolly!' " Then she poked him, but he was in no position to be joking and when she did that, it made him role over the long hose he was trying to attach to the car so it caused him to roll over the other end of the hose which caused the jack to give way and crashed down on his hand. That made him yell several unrepeatable words at her and told her to go get the mail. When she told him it was Friday and there would be no more until Tuesday because it was Labor Day week end, he said, "Go wait for it! That would really help me out a lot!"

As she ran into the house to see if she could make up for her horrible mess-up with her daddy's car incident so she ran in and asked her mom if there was anything she could do because she had already, "helped" her daddy enough for one day. That's when her mom told her to preheat the oven so she could cook her daddy's favorite meet, t. bone steak. She was in a hurry to do that and so she set the temperature on 545 so it would be done faster. Several minutes later the smoke alarm went off. By the time Punelopy and her mom could get there, the whole kitchen was on fire. Flames were shooting everywhere. The smoke also ruined not only the food, but everything in the house was destroyed by the fire and smoke. Her daddy said the insurance ran out that afternoon and he couldn't get to the office where he could renew it because he was hurrying home since he had just been laid off because the company he was working for went bankrupt which meant he had no money to buy a whole new kitchen set which meant an oven, stove, microwave, stir-fryer, food processor, refrigerator, the flooring, the siding and 2 weeks-worth of groceries since her mom was trying to save money on gas by shopping every other week. That totaled more money then it would cost for her first car, college education and vacations for the next 9 years which meant wasn't very high on either of her parents all-time favorite-person list.

They blamed that whole incident on her silly puns so they just forbade her to make any more of those silly sayings around them. They told her if she did, that they would beet her unmercifully. That really did hurt her feelings big-time since play-on-words was her favorite thing. She even entered Gary Hallock's Punster Contest for a chance to win $200.00 as the first prize. The problem was she had to use her mamma's credit card to pay for all those entries, then she ended up not winning so that was even more money thrown away.

After that incident, her parents grounded her 2 weeks. The worst part about that was by then it was summer vacation which meant she wasn't allowed to go anywhere or do anything with her friends. She wasn't high on her parents favorite person list at that point in time.

Her parents made her work 2 jobs every day since she'd cost them so much money. She wanted to do something fun which was out of the question because of her mess-ups which ruined her family's lives. She was so lonely because she had to stay in her house, and incredibly bored, so her parents just gave her some more chores to do for them.

Then when she was about to give up all hope of ever doing anything right,she went upstairs to her room. That's when she saw a bright light come floating towards her. Her first thought was, "Oh, great! Here comes the angel to take me to Heaven and I haven't even done anything worthwhile in this lifetime! What could be worse? Oops! I shouldn't have asked that cause I will get an answer to that question!"

Then the bright-light stopped and turned into an angel. He stood about 4 feet-tall, had red-hair, blue eyes with a halo around his head and his body lit up the whole room. He looked at her and smiled big.

"Hay, Pun-elopy," he said, "I'm your garden angel. Your guardian angel sprained her left wing playing rugby. I'm her replacement."

"Uh, hay," said Pun-elopy, "Are you going to grant me 3 wishes or something like that? That's what most angels do in all the books."

"Yeah, well, I am new at this profession. In fact, you're my first client. I can start off with one wish, so you'd better make it count."

"That's easy," replied Pun-elopy, "I wish my family would give me another chance to make up for all those mistakes I've done lately."

"Oh, you want to go back in time, huh? Gosh, I'll have to work on that one a minute." He pulled out a book and turned the pages till he said, "Oh, here it is. Gee, that might be tough for my first granted wish but here goes nothing. Cross you fingers. Better yet, cross you eyes and toes this will work. If it doesn't, your feet will hurt and you'll start bumping into things a lot. 'Well,' (which is a pretty deep subject for a shallow mind), here goes nothing, I mean, it's something to both of us."

There was a blinding flash of light, but surprisingly no sound came from it. When Pun-elopy could see again, she was in front of her daddy who was working on the same thing. That time Punelopy tiptoed by him so he couldn't see or hear her. She did the same thing with her mom who was struggling with her problems. As she tip-toed past them, she saw a dog in the yard. He didn't have a collar but wagged his tail happily at her. When she reached down to pet him on the head, she said, "You look like you need some loving. Well, that's all I have to offer you right now. How's this?" as she scratched him behind his ears, then rolled him over and scratched his tummy.

To her surprise, when she stopped, the dog said, "Please don't stop! That was really feeling great! What do you call what you're doing to me? I love it! Aw, 'person-gone it!' Move down a, there! That's it!"

Punelopy was surprised to hear a talking-dog, but she did what he asked. Then she said, "How did you learn how to talk people-words?"

"Well I started off with 'gah-gah' and worked my way up to, 'din-din.'" said the dog with a frown, "Do you want me to recite The Gettysburg Address or something '4 score and 7 years ago our forefathers,' "

"Yeah, yeah," said Punelopy, "That's good enough. It's just that most dogs I've seen don't say any people-words. As a matter of fact, none of them do that. Can you do other, uh, you know, what we call, 'tricks ?' "

"It depends on that you refer to as, 'tricks.' " replied the dog, picking up 4 plates and juggling them. Then he danced and sang, "You Ain't Nothing But A Hound Dog," sounding exactly like The King himself.

That made Punelopy laugh and clap. She hugged the dog and said, "That was terrific! You're the coolest dog I've ever seen and heard! We could go on Broadway with all your talents! You could even get your very own talk show on t v! It would be called, uh, what is your name?"

"Name?" replied the dog, "Do I need one? Gee. where I'm from, we communicative with thought waves. There's no need for names there."

"Well, you've got unique stripes, how about Spot? Since there are no spots on you, nobody would ever guess that's your name. How's that?"

"Ginger peachy!" replied the dog, "It fits just like Punelopy does!" So that's how her dog received his name, which was extremely unique. Then he said, "I can also grant magical requests if they're not selfish!"

"Wow!" replied Punelopy, "Can you make my family love me again?"

Spot said, "Yeah, but I'm new at this wishing stuff. I'm not too good at changing historical events. I can do futuristic things a lot better."

"Well, at least make my family forgive me and love me the way they used to do." said Pun-elopy with a smile, " now, I want them to just accept me the way I am with my puns and not be like a ghost making, 'boo-boos' all the time. It would be terrific if they had would have the same kind of, 'spirit' that I have, even though I have never done any, 'ghost-writing' as a whole, but I have been baptized in the, 'Holly' Ghost so I speak in Tongues. The Indians say I, 'speak with forked tongue, which is silly since I will eat with a spoon anyway." Then punched the dog playfully on his head like she did with her family.

"Ar-ar-ar-ar!" said the dog with a smile, "That was quite funny. No, excuse me, I mean that was quite, 'punny,' I mean for a human, that is. If you keep that stuff up it would truly be a, 'pun'-derful thing you do. You've just made my life a lot less, 'Ruff!' my friend, 'person-gone you."

That's when Punelopy turned because she heard a sound behind her. Yet then a man threw a net over Spot and laughed as another man put a rag which had been dipped in anesthesia over his face which put him to sleep. Punelopy yelled, "Hay! That's my dog! You can't just take him like he was a flower on some ground! He belongs to me! Get your,"

Then the men smeared the anesthesia cloth in her face so she fell to the ground unconscious. They laughed and put the body of Spot into their car and sped away, laughing an evil-sounding laugh all the way.

When Spot woke up, he was tied up with ropes around him. When the men saw him open his eyes one of them said, "Well, good morning, my little furry-friend. Now that you're up, let's get to work on your part. All you have to do is tell a few jokes then we'll get paid some mega-bucks. That means you'll be rewarded with life, cause if you don't do that, then yours will end." He pointed a pistil in his face.

The first stop they made was Broadway in Manhattan, New York. The Big Apple had all kinds of brilliant, twinkling psychedelic lights which hurt Spot's eyes and extremely loud music which hurt his ears because dog's senses are considerably keener then any human's are. Yet there was no way to cover up his eyes or ears. The ringmaster did an outstanding introduction full of lies about how the men had found him in a remote part of Africa known as Willameeno which was a tiny town and that the men had to fight lions, bears, bobcats, tigers and other wild animals to capture the amazing animal. Then they played America The Beautiful and demanded him to sing the words. Yet he was so out of it from being tranquilized and treated so badly he was in no mood to perform, so he just stood there. The anesthesia still hadn't completely worn off yet anyway so he had no energy which made him lie down and try to go back to sleep. That made those mean men commence to beating him with iron rods which made him yip in pain.

The people who had paid a lot of money to come see him perform booed and threw food and other objects at him. Since poor Spot was physically unable to do anything but lie there and since the men had doped him up so much, he couldn't have done anything anyway.

The people who were booing started a riot. Then they attacked the men who had been treating Punelopy so badly. They beat them with the same rods they had been beating Pun-elopy with within an inch of their lives. They didn't want to kill them because they wanted to make them suffer the same way they'd been making poor Punelopy suffer. Then the police threw them into prison for lying to the public and animals cruelty. When they kept on saying Spot really could talk and sing, they increased their jail-time for lying under oath. That made them commence to beating the policemen which only increased their jail time even more. Yet when they both beet the policemen until they were dead, the charge was raised to murder without any chance of parole. In fact, the jailers beet both of them every day for the rest of their lives. That was the worst penalty they could possibly receive.

Meanwhile, Spot was adopted by Pun-elopy. He was treated much better then any dog had been treated in history, including Lassie, Bengi, Rin Tin-Tin or any other famous ones. In fact, because he was a magic dog, he never aged so he lived forever which meant he kept blessing more people with his presence. They found him several beautiful mates which he gave several magical puppies to who did the same thing their daddy did. So like the best-written children's stories of all-time will officially finish up with,

"THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER !!!!" The end.

------------------------------------------- By, Cuz Roye.