The Thief

We’ve all misplaced things. We’ve all stood at the front door patting ourselves down looking for our keys, our wallets, or our cell phones. We turn the house upside down, unable to recall the last place we laid those important little items; those little items we always put in the same spot (I swear). We harass our significant other without shame. “Honey, have you seen it. Honey, what did you do with it?” But eventually, we found those items, right?

Not in the case of George Feller.

George lives alone with his dog, a French Bulldog by the name of Gremlin. Gremlin likes to sit with George in his recliner while he watches The Tonight Show before bed. It’s their ritual. George has lots of rituals. Rituals bring George peace of mind. When the show is over, George presses the power button on the remote to turn off the TV.

One.

He turns it back on, then off again.

Two.

He turns it back on, then off again.

Three.

George then sets the remote on the end table next to the recliner and touches it one, two, three times to ensure that the remote was put in its proper place and will be there when he wants it and he can relax.

Then he turns off the living room lights, flicking the switch three times.

He takes his cell phone into the kitchen to put it on the charger. He plugs it in three times, and sits it on the counter, touching it three times, so he knows exactly where he left it.

He puts Gremlin in the laundry room where the dog's bed is for the night, and shuts the door behind him, turning the knob three times to make sure the door is closed. Then he goes through the house making sure everything is turned off before he gets ready for bed.

The next morning, George goes to leave for work and cannot find his cell phone. Not only is his cell phone missing, but the charger is missing from the wall as well.

George doesn’t bother looking anywhere else. He followed the rule of three. He knows he left it charging on the kitchen counter, and he never moves his charger. So, he called the police and reported a robbery.

The police arrive at George's home to find it spotless, everything perfectly in its place, no signs of forced entry. When asked what was taken, George replied, “My cell phone.”

“Is that all,” asked the officer.

“Isn’t that enough,” George snapped back.

“Where did you look for it? Did you leave it in the car by chance,” the officer asked.

“No. I always put it in the same place. I know where I leave things because I follow the rule of three.”

“The rule of three?”

“Yes. When you do things three times, you can be certain they are done.”

The officer laughs. “I guess you can’t argue about that. Why don’t you give me a description of the phone, just in case someone turns one in. In the meantime, why don’t you look around your house just to be sure you didn’t misplace it. It happens to all of us.”

That night, George came home with a new cell phone. He was not pleased. He wanted the same model that he had, but the salesman said it was discontinued. This new model is supposed to be better, but George felt he would be the judge of that.

That night, George and Gremlin went through their usual routines. George plugged in his phone three times. He sat the phone on the counter, and he touched it three times. He even watched it as the lights flashed on and off three times. He went to bed without a shadow of a doubt that his phone was charging on the counter. But when he woke up, the phone was gone.

This time, before calling the police, he checked his entire house. He checked under every cushion. He checked every outlet, just in case it was charging somewhere else in the house. He checked the car, just like the officer suggested. He checked everywhere three times before giving up and calling the police again.

This time the police refused to send out a car for one missing item.

So, George bought a third phone. Only this time he was going to keep it in his bedroom, which worked, because when he woke up, a fully charged cell phone was waiting on the nightstand next to him.

To George, this was proof that someone was getting into his house and stealing his phones. He called the police to inform them, but they said that he had no verifiable proof. George wanted to fight with them, but couldn’t be late for work again, so he hung up.

On his way out the door, he passed the entryway table and reached in the bowl that he kept his keys in to find it empty. He knows he laid them in there. He touched them three times. To make sure he wasn’t going crazy, he checked his dresser, his other pockets, and the car. Nothing. They weren’t in the kitchen or in the cracks of the recliner either. He was so desperate to find them that he even checked the freezer. They were nowhere to be found.

So, George called into work and spent the day installing security cameras around the house, inside and out. He wanted to know who the thief was and how they were getting in. After he installed the cameras, he took a nap. He planned on staying up all night, watching the cameras from his phone.

Nothing happened most of the night. George had a hard time keeping his eyes open and drifted off to sleep before catching the culprit in action, but everything was being recorded. So, in the morning, with his toast and coffee, George watched as a masked intruder crossed his back yard and slipped in through the doggy door, his bushy ringed tail disappearing behind him.

Georges eyes widened. He switched over to the interior cameras and watched the raccoon explore the house, curiously looking over all his belongings until its eyes settled on George’s TV remote. George watched in horror as the furry little bastard grabbed the remote and darted for the door.

George ran to the living room. Sure enough, his remote was gone.

George got dressed and headed out to the trees behind his house. He found one that was hollowed out. Inside were six cellphones, maybe a dozen keyrings, a few wallets, four TV remotes, a flask, several diecast cars, and a coffee mug that says, “Mornings Suck”.

George went back to the house and grabbed a pillowcase. He filled it up with all the raccoon’s treasures. He returned the wallets and asked the owners if any of the other items were theirs. A few were, but most of them ended up in the trash.

That night, George waited atop the counter by the back door with a blanket he planned to use as a net, waiting for the raccoon. Sure enough, around 2:00am, the ring-tailed robber poked his nose through the door. It scurried in, on a mission of thievery. George pounced off the counter, blanket spread wide and fell flat on his face. The raccoon darted for the living room. George gave chase. The furry creature knocked over the lamp on the end table as George tried to grab him. It climbed the bookshelf, pulling off books as it tried to escape an angry George. A confused Gremlin barked from the laundry room. The racoon tried to get to the doggy door and freedom, but George cut him off, sending the animal down the hall and into his room where it ran across his bed leaving dirty paw prints on George's clean white sheets. On its way out the racoon grabs George's cell phone and yanks it free from the wall. It puts it in its mouth and runs for the door, making it this time, disappearing into the night.

George walks back into the house and finds it in shambles. He has since locked up the doggy door. He takes Gremlin for walks now. They do three trips around the block.