grip

If I had known that you wouldn't be by my side today of all days I wouldn't have gotten out of bed. I look in the bathroom mirror at my lips dry and cracked my hair; half sticking straight up while the other side looks like a dead plant. I put my hair in a ponytail so I don't have to stare at it any longer. I walk back to my room, which is only a few paces away from the bathroom. I stop in the doorway staring at you of all people.

"Why are you here?" I ask, clinging to the wall.

"what, you aren't excited to see me?" you answer hopping onto my bed gracefully and turning to look at me with angel-like eyes.

"I didn't say I wasn't happy to see you, I just, I thought you had left."

You stare at me, something resembling pity in your eyes before speaking.

"I couldn't leave without saying goodbye." I stare at the ground unable to meet your gaze. "well since it seems like you don't want me here I better g-"

"No, stay," I say the words so fast that I don't register I have said them until I see your relieved face probably mirroring mine.

"You look pretty."

I look down at my dress to see for myself, the long fabric hides my insecurities, but still, I feel a rush of relief that you like it.

I look at what you're wearing, a rainbow long sleeve shirt and overalls. The same outfit you were wearing the last time I saw you.

I look at the clock on my nightstand it reads 11:30 am. I'm not exactly running late but by my terms, I won't be early which is the same thing as running late. "I better get going, you can come if you want." Without a word, you get off my bed not quite as gracefully as you got on it and skip past me out the door only stopping to squeeze my arm. My heart studders not prepared for your familiar touch, the smell of citrus whips me in the face as your hair swishes behind you. I follow you grabbing my keys off the kitchen table, I hesitate before grabbing my phone too. The screen flashes with a text but all I see is my lock screen, a picture of us. You look perfect as always posing for the picture while I stand behind you, pretending I am about to attack you. I smile to myself and walk out the front door.

I turn on the engine and start to back out of the driveway. I turn to see you white-knuckling the seat belt. I laugh watching the fear in your eyes turn into a smug smile. "okay I am not that bad of a driver."

"mhm tell that to the street sign, or the neighbor's car, or the-"

"Okay I will admit the street sign was my fault, but the other times, entirely not my fault," I say cutting your attempt to attack me off. We're both giggling now as I drive down the end of my street and turn left.

We sit in silence you drumming out a tune to a song I don't recognize, while I try to drive while also look at you.

"Do you remember when we met?" You say looking at the city in the distance.

"Yeah, how could I forget the sand covered eight-year-old coming up to me in the park and saying that we were friends now."

"I mean I was right wasn't I?" you say grinning at me. I smile thinking about that day and the years to follow, with the sleepovers and the tea parties, the endless giggles and forts created than destroyed. Then the missed calls and the deep conversations after nothing at all.

"What happened to us? I ask squeezing the steering wheel. You stare forward still drumming your fingers on the seat.

"We grew up," you say. "We both stopped making the effort until things got really bad, then when things were really bad the other one was always there."

I pull into the parking lot and turn off the engine. "I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me." A tear runs down my cheek you move to wipe it with your sleeve.

"Didn't you hear what I just said, dummy", you say jabbing me with your elbow. I smile blinking away tears. I turn to look at your face, the same one as the little crazy eight-year-old I had met all those years ago, minus the sand of course. I turn to the left looking at the building.

"I don't want to go in".

"I know."

"come with me."

"I can't."

"I know."

"Look at me," you say taking my right shoulder and moving me so I have no choice but to look directly at you.

"I know you want to apologize for every time you didn't get to say I'm sorry or give me a hug because I would do anything to do that one more time," A tear rolls down your cheek. "We can't take any time back, we can't fix anything now, but you will always be special to me. You will always have a place in my heart no matter what. So go in there for me, and no one else. I will always be with you for as long as you live and far after. I know how stubborn you are, I know that you won't let me go. So I will say just loosen your grip on me, just a little bit. You can talk to me anytime you want I am always free to listen. But you have to loosen your grip dummy." I laugh and take a deep breath. You squeeze my arm one more time before reaching over me and opening the door.

"Go," you whisper giving me a shove. I smile getting one last look at you before getting out of the car and walking towards the other people. I turn around one more time but you aren't there. All I hear is "loosen your grip dummy," I smile before walking inside.