Maybe In Another Lifetime

CW: Sexual content

“Honey I’m leaving for work. I love you, bye.”

I mumble I love you back and he kisses me on the forehead. I open my eyes as much as I can to see him leaving the bedroom door and closing it shut slowly, probably to not wake me up, but it’s a little too late for that. I first try to go back to sleep, tossing and turning, but once he’s out of our bed it’s hard to go back to sleep. I sit up on the bed, trying to wake myself to be fully present. I just stare at the wall for a while instead of going on my phone.

I put my feet on the cold floor which wakes my brain before I put them into my pink fluffy open toe slippers. I walk to the washroom and go to the sink to wash my hands, put the lavender soap and lather, then have the cold water on my hands. I brush my teeth with mint toothpaste and rinse my mouth. After that I start washing my face and doing my skincare routine which consists of three steps. After I put on my moisturizer, I look into the mirror, noticing my own features. My olive skin and the little beauty marks, one near my eye and one under it, also one near my lips. My brown eyes with a hint of hazel in them and my cupid's bow that I used to be weirdly insecure about. My nose and how it goes so well with the rest of my face. I remember the time when I used to dream of getting a nose job because it wasn’t the beauty standard to have a nose like mine. I appreciate my ethnic features a lot more now. My pink bonnet is still covering my hair so I take it off and shake out my curls so they are puffy. I look back at the mirror and see my hair covering my shoulders, its chestnut brown color with a hint of blond highlights.

I walk back into my room and drink my iced cold water, open my drawer and take my medication for iron and my prozac. After I take my medication, I have to eat, so I walk downstairs to make myself breakfast. I see eggs and bread, so that indicates that I should fry eggs and eat it with bread. I put the pan on the stove and wait for it to heat up before putting olive oil on it and cracking three eggs. I season it with salt and pepper because it tastes so much better like that and then I put my bread to toast. Once the eggs are cooked I flip them and wait a little longer before transferring them onto my plate and get the toast from the toaster. I feel like I need fresh air so I go into the patio and eat breakfast there while just listening to the sounds of the birds, cars passing by and my neighbors. Once I’m done eating my breakfast I go back inside to make my morning coffee and drink it at the countertop.

Part of my morning routine is after my coffee I go for a walk, so I go back upstairs and change into black shorts and a white t-shirt, jog back downstairs with one airpod in my ear and head outside. I always start off with jogging, just to get my heart going, then I slow down to be able to just enjoy the view and breathe in the summer air. I look up to see a blue jay perched in a tree with a nest under her. I see the clear blue sky and the sun shining so bright that I thank god I’m wearing sunglasses. I look to my right where there is a coffee shop with people sitting inside and think of buying a coffee before thinking I don’t need another one right now. I look to my left and see peonies blooming, which weren’t here the last time I took this path. Peonies, they were her favourite flower.

I stop walking and go to the other side of the road where they are and smell them, they smell exactly how I remember them when I got them for her the last time. My dearest Shanice, just 4 summers ago I was with her. I remember everything about her, down to where her birth marks are. Her skin a light brown golden shade, her eyes a hickory brown, and her face oval shaped. Her hair almost as curly as mine in the shade of mocha, and dyed magenta pink underneath. Her body is like a Greek goddess, blessed by Aphrodite. Her scent is like a bakery filled with cake, muffins, coffee, and brownies. At times I forget what her voice sounded like so I play her old voice notes, listening to them over and over again. Her voice sounded like an angel, I remember being entranced by her voice when she would randomly start singing.

Just 4 summers ago I met her. At that time I was 19, back for summer break from University. On Monday I went to the bookstore near my house as I did every other Monday. I still remember the smell of that exact bookstore as it’s ingrained into my nervous system. I was browsing through the romance section when I saw her, she was browsing through the same section as I was and I stopped looking through the books when I saw her. I was mesmerized by how beautiful she was, I think she felt me staring because she then looked at me and smiled. I smiled back and complimented her outfit, she was wearing this black lace top with flared jeans.

“Thank you so much, I love your hair!” She said back very sincerely. I asked her if she comes here often.

“No this is my first time coming here, I live a good 30 minutes from this area. I’m here with my mom, she's visiting a friend.”

“Yeah it’s nice, but I prefer the city to be honest.” I replied.

“Yeah I live in Toronto, I do love the city life, I can’t even lie.”

We talk about the city, and she tells me she’s in her second year for Psychology Bachelor of Science at U of T.

“That’s so crazy, I’m in my first year doing Psychology Bachelor of Arts at Carleton University in Ottawa.” I say.

“Girl can I have your socials or number, I would love to get to know you more, you seem like such an interesting person.” I asked.

“Oh my God, yes of course, I was going to ask you the same thing!”

We get each other's socials and part ways. I rushed home to tell my parents about her. I go to the living room to see my parents sitting on the couch.

“Guess what guys, I think I’ve made a new friend, I met her in the bookstore and she goes to U of T, she’s in her second year, and she’s so gorgeous.”

“That’s good!” They both speak at the same time.

After that I go to my room and call my cousin. While I’m scrolling on instagram I get a message notification from the app.

“IT'S HER.” I tell my cousin enthusiastically.

“OH MY GOD, WELL ANSWER HER.” She yells. I go to the DM and it says:

“Hi its Shanice, the girl from the bookstore. It was so nice meeting you. I was scared to ask this in person, but are you into women?”

I text back saying:

“Hi omg, it was so nice meeting you too and yes I am into women, are you?”

She responds back almost immediately:

“Yes I am. I am so glad you are, I could sense it for some reason to be honest. Do you want to go out sometime? Would you be free on Friday, we can go to this Pub. My friends would be there if that's okay?”

“Yeah that's perfect!” I responded.

We texted for hours, the conversation flowing so effortlessly that I felt like I already knew her. I learned her favorite color is pink, her favourite food is dumplings, and her favourite flower is peonies.

The next day around 4, I FaceTimed her. It rings for a couple seconds before it connects and I see her face. After we broke the ice she asks:

“Random personal question, but do your parents know that you're lesbian?”

“No they don’t, they are Musilm and very religious so I haven’t told them yet. I know they would stop funding my schooling so I plan on doing it when I move out. What about you?”

“I’m so sorry about that, I know that must be so hard. Yeah my mom knows but not my dad and dads side.”

She learns about the time I came out to them when I was younger so they shipped me off to Algeria for 4 months so I can find God but all that did was send me into religious psychosis. I learned that her dad and mom are divorced and she lived with her dad before running away. Over the next few days that became our routine, calling every day and talking.

Friday finally comes and my mom drives me to her house around 5. We go inside her room. I see a girl sitting on her bed with wavy brown hair, pale, with green eyes, and round glasses.

“Hi my name is Laila, nice to meet you!” I say.

“Hi my name is Maria, nice to meet you!”

Shanice lets me know she got a drink for me. We caught the bus and the subway to the Pub, walking up to the third floor to meet a group of her friends.

At one point we separated from the rest of the group to go smoke in a little alleyway in between the Pub. I was holding the cigarette in my mouth when she held the lighter towards my cigarette and lit it up. She asked if she could kiss me and of course I said yes. She pulled me closer and brought her lips to mine. I felt like glitter while kissing her, everything in the world disappeared, and it was just her and me.

After our kiss we sat in a booth and talked for two hours before returning to the group for food. On the subway on the way back, Shanice wrote something on her phone and showed me, it said:

“I really want to kiss you.”

I thought she didn’t like PDA so I wrote on my phone:

“Yeah me too, I can’t wait until we get home.”

Once we got inside her house we both took turns using the shower. When I got out of the shower I went to her room and sat on her bed next to her. She told me how she meant we should kiss on the subway and I thought she didn’t like PDA.

“No, I love PDA!” She said.

“Yeah I do too, I thought you didn’t” I laughed.

We debriefed on how the night went and then I asked if I could kiss her.

“Of course you can!” She said. So I pulled her face to mine and kissed her. It felt like we became one person while we kissed. I went on top of her and we continued kissing, taking off our shirts. Then I asked if I could take off her shorts, she said yes. She was on her period and didn’t want to create a soul tie so early into the relationship, which is understandable. She asked if she could eat me out and I said yes. We kissed more and then she got on top of me kissing me on my lips before slowly going down. It was like I entered a different dimension, my breathing getting louder, turning into moans. I had to be quiet because of the others in the house so I covered my mouth to not be heard. When she was done we kissed until it was 3am. We decided to shower again together before falling asleep in each other's arms.

The next day we went to the park and I held her hands which fit so perfectly in mine. When the night came we loved each other just as deeply. The next day we went to my friend's concert and while waiting for the subway I asked her to be exclusive. After the concert we went home, and that became our little routine, calling every day until we would sleep on call.

The next week I came over and we had plans to go to the movie theatre. I got her a promise ring and peonies. When we got to the theatre we went to the photo booth where I gave her the flowers and the ring along with a detailed letter asking her to be my girlfriend. She said yes and that was one of the most beautiful memories I have. When we got back from the movie we changed our clothes and immediately started kissing when her mom walked in on us.

“I’m so sorry we were going to tell you, but not like this.” I said.

“I should’ve knocked,” Her mom said.

We ended up sitting on the balcony with her mom and smoked. Once we got back inside we rushed to be able to kiss each other, making her moan and watching her finish. Afterward we showered together, soaping each other's backs and kissing under the stream.

We turned it into a concrete routine, waking up to morning kisses, making breakfast, doing side quests, talking until 3am, and showering together. I met her loved ones as her girlfriend. We talked about our plans for the future, how our wedding would look, and I even knew when I was going to propose which was in 6 months time. How we would handle long distance when I go back to school, me being a police officer while she’s in grad school, we planned it all. Life became so much clearer, I had never been so sure of anything until I met her. My family knew about her, but as a friend, not as my girlfriend.

Suddenly I’m back in the present smelling the Peonies and crying. I notice some people stop and stare before walking away. I decide it’s best if I walk home. On my way back all I do is try to get home, try and forget. I also have to make dinner for my husband, so I rush home because I don’t want him coming from work and not having his dinner. I open the house door and go upstairs to change into something else. I decided on wearing shorts with a strawberry shortcake oversized t-shirt that I got from Shanice and never gave it back. As I put it on I remember the time when she gave me the shirt. It was one of the times I was over at her house and was leaving that day. She showed me the shirt and I said how much I loved it so she gave it to me and sprayed her perfume on it so it would smell like her. I go to my perfume cabinet and put on the perfume she always used so I can smell her on me. I inhale the perfume that's on the t-shirt remembering her scent and I open my phone and go to her contact, I look at the voice message of her saying she misses me when I was in school and I replay it about 20 times before shutting off my phone and crying. I then go to the message of Shanice last message:

“How could you do this to me, it was supposed to be us, it was always supposed to be us, and now you’re getting married to him. You’re not fighting, you’re not fighting for us. I thought you loved me, I know you do but it makes it hurt more. How could you love me and leave me like this? How? Please I’m begging you, love, fight, fight for us, fight for you. You don’t have to do this.”

My eyes blurry as I read my own message back to her:

“I will always love you my love, I will always care for you, but I can’t, my parents are forcing me to marry him. There's no other way, they won’t pay for my school if I don’t do this, they will leave me with nothing. I would have nothing, I will always love you, I will always care for you, but I have to do this, for me, for my future. It was supposed to be us, it was always you. It will always be you, I can never love him, I will never love him, I hate him, I hate them. I hate that they took my everything away from me. I will never forgive them. I will not ask you to wait because that’s not fair, but maybe in another lifetime we will meet again. I know we will.”

I sit there crying until I can’t breathe. Remembering the moment they found out, it was already after we had gotten married, how they made me divorce her before making me marry my now husband. They made me switch schools so I would be closer to them, so they could keep an eye on me. I spent time in and out of the hospital trying to find a way out of this life. Before I realized I have to live so I can complete my dreams, so all of this would at least be worth something. So I get to see her in another lifetime. We had met in other ones, I know we have, so we will meet again, just not in this one.