The Apology I Practiced

Sweat glistened on her skin as she made her way past me. I stood there under the tree letting the shadow swallow me, keeping my head down. She had her headphones in as she ran, letting it block out the sounds around her. She slowed, staring at the small pond.

We used to come fishing here. I could vaguely recall the sound of laughter as we let the line fly into the pond. How the water splashed as we pushed ourselves in. Shouting from the adults, reprimanding us for being careless. A no swimming sign lurking on the edge right next to the one indicating not to feed the ducks. Those still stood there on the edge. Now her face was grim. A tear formed in the corner of her eye as she looked at the pond. She put on her headphones, and continued to make her way through the park. I stared as she faded into the distance.

The leaves crunched under my feet. The air had been chillier lately. The trees had changed and the ground was covered in shades of yellow and orange. The wind carried sounds of laughter from the children playing nearby. The sound of unscathed youth. Jumping into piles of leaves and throwing them in the air. She was sitting there flipping through pages of a book on top of a small hill. One that seemed enormous when we were younger, rolling down it for what felt like miles. When we got to the bottom, we would look at the sky as the world spun around us, until it stopped. Now she sat there and I sat on a bench watching from afar.

My hand gripped the side of the bench. The blood left my knuckles as they turned white. I let go of the bench rubbing the inside of my palm, the mark once red and angry, was now scarred over. The voice in my head was telling me to approach. Telling me I couldn’t avoid it forever. I remembered a similar piece of advice I had gotten once before.

“Sometimes you have to take things head on,” Wesley said. “The longer you put it off the more power it's going to hold over you.” He slapped a helmet on my head as I got on my bike. The hill looked steeper here than it had from below. This was the tenth time I had walked my bike up here, I had yet to ride it down. I had seen the other kids do it, but I had talked myself out of it every time. I could hear the crackle of thunder nearby. As I looked upwards towards the approaching clouds I got off my bike.

”I don’t think today is the day. We should get home before it rains.” I started walking back down the hill towards where Emma was waiting. Wesley sighed behind me.

”It would’ve been quicker to ride it down, but alright. You don’t have to do it until you’re ready.” He grabbed the bike helping me walk it back down.

Now she was at the top of the hill. But I wasn’t ready to meet her up there. Not today. I grabbed my things and headed home.

The bills from the motel were beginning to pile up. I had to find a more permanent place eventually. But for now, this would have to do. The bed was still unmade. Fast food wrappers were littered across the floor. Scorched photographs were placed neatly on the corner of the desk. The edges burned, the color had faded, replaced mostly by dark marks. Through the smudges I could still make out our faces. Her smile lit up the picture. I hadn’t seen it in a while. Instead, her eyebrows were scrunched together, her lips pursed in a straight line and I could no longer see the light in her eyes.

Looking in the mirror I could see some of the same features on my face. My face was drained of color, my eyes bleak. The smile lines on my face now felt unfamiliar. I looked at the picture once more and put it down. Standing over the sink, I soaked my face, washing away the tears that had made their way down my cheeks. I stared at the sink rubbing at my eyes.

Raising my head, I could picture Wesley leaning against the frame of the door through the mirror.

He chuckled. “You might be the most avoidant person I know.”

Rolling my eyes I spoke. “I don’t know what to say to her. I don't know how to talk to her anymore.”

“Like you always have. That’s one of the benefits of knowing someone for so long.”

“It’s not that easy.”

”Or maybe it is and you’re choosing to make it harder. Punishing yourself.”

“What can I possibly say to make this better?” I ran my hands through my hair.

”You know what to say. You’re just scared to say it. Worried about what she’ll say.”

“Talking to her isn’t going to fix things.”

”Avoiding her isn’t going to fix things either.”

Turning the lights off, I laid in my bed looking at the ceiling. My eyes burned with tears. I closed them hoping to drift off to sleep.

She moved slowly, her steps imprinted in the snow. Her nose tinted red. Making her way down the path subconsciously as her feet led the way. The path had become familiar to me too as I watched her take it. The snow crackled underneath my boots. In the distance there were kids playing in the snow. A memory shouted in the back of my brain. I could recall the chills that were sent to my spine when the snowballs hit my face. The way I winced as the snow traveled down my back.

Emma laughed at my snow covered face. “You should duck next time.”

I quickly crouched, grabbing the snow with my hands. My fingers prickled as the snow seeped into my gloves. Compacting the snow into a ball I let it fly into the air. She let out a gasp as it hit her square in the face. I was the one laughing this time around.

Shrugging my shoulders and holding out my arms I gave an innocent look. “You should duck next time.” My laughter was short-lived as I was buried in snow from head to toe. Shivering, I shook it off as best as I could. Wesley was standing next to me with a huge shovel. He ran away, flinging snow at me as I chased him. She giggled relentlessly as she watched me chase him. Small fistfuls of snow did little to slow the snow coming my way.

The chase stopped when my boot sank into the snow. A perfect outline of my face marked into the snow below me as I fell face first into it. My whole face tingled as I wiped the snow off. My face cold and wet, Wesley and Emma were now doubled over laughing. Wesley’s laughter died down as he walked over to me, reaching out a hand.

“You can’t bring snowballs to a shovel fight.” He said

“You are completely right.” Wesley let out a slight shout as Emma poured the snow over him with a shovel. Starting to shovel a pile of snow she continued, “maybe if you guys can stop fooling around, we can make the snowman I came here to make.” She threw a carrot at Wesley who caught it with ease.

The memory was cut short as I was hit by some snow falling from the tree. Wesley sat next to me under the tree.

“There’s this thing called stalking, and it’s generally frowned upon,” I gave him a small glare as I continued to watch from afar.

The pond had frozen over, she had joined a few kids who were gliding their way through it.

“I’m not stalking.”

“Fine then, watching obsessively.” He shrugged.

“She seems happier than I’ve seen her in a while.” I smiled as I watched her twirl on the ice. Remembering the million times she had fallen when she was learning.

“Well they do say time heals all wounds.” He looked me up and down. “If you let it.”

“I don’t want to ruin her mood.” I stood up and shook the snow off my pants.

I sat on the grass and wrote. Letter after letter. Apology after apology. Crumpled papers were scattered all across the floor. Ink stained my hand. My fingers cramped from the words I wrote. But I just couldn’t get the words right. Nothing I could possibly say would make up for what had happened.

“I don’t think she expects an apology.” The whisper swept past my ear. “Just talk to her. Face to face.”

“I will, I just want to get it right when I see her.”

Tearing the paper from the notebook, I crumpled up the piece of paper and threw it away. My pen moved quickly as I took out a new sheet. Writing everything down. Last time I had seen her I had barely gotten a breath out as she looked at me with tear-stricken eyes. Her mascara ran down her face. I didn’t want that to happen again. As I finished I read it over and let out a frustrated huff. Tears soaked through the paper, smudging the ink. Taking out a lighter from my pocket I lit the letter on fire. I watched as the fire took over, reducing it to ashes. Wiping the tears from my face, I poured myself a drink letting it burn my throat as I swallowed it. I stood up, wiping the debris off the tombstone. Wesley’s name staring back at me in bold letters.

She kicked at a rock absentmindedly, not caring where it landed. She had yet to see me and I had yet to approach. I couldn't decide if keeping my distance was the right choice. The trees had regained their color, the snow had begun to melt, and flowers were starting to grow again. The sun peeking out from behind the clouds. It had been a year now. A year since we last spoke. A year since I last looked her in the eye. The letter I had written felt heavier with every step. It was clenched tight in my fist as I walked over to where she was walking.

Surprise shone in her eyes as I finally caught her attention.

“Hey,” I said weakly.

She smiled at me softly, the smile not quite reaching her eyes. “Hey, it's been a while.”

She was right. The last time I had seen her was at the funeral. It seemed like forever ago now.

She looked at me expectantly waiting for me to say something. My breath caught in my throat. I was taken back to that day. I had sat at the back for the service. Avoiding everybody’s eyes. Until they asked me to speak, and I physically couldn’t. The words refused to make their way past my lips. Everybody looked at me with sorrow in their eyes. I practically sprinted away. She just looked at me with pain in her eyes throughout the whole service. And when I tried to speak with her, the air wouldn’t reach my lungs.

Now here she was in front of me, and I couldn’t quite meet her gaze. I could almost hear Wesley edging me on, encouraging me to say anything. I averted my eyes from hers. She was completely silent as I searched for the words. I could feel the edge of the paper in my pocket. A very detailed apology was written on it, but words were failing me.

The heat crept up my neck. Beads of sweat ran down my face. Emma was no longer in front of me. I was home where I had fallen asleep on the couch. My eyes flew open, as smoke engulfed the room. The fire alarm was ringing faintly. My eyes darted across the room but I couldn’t make anything out. The hair on my arms singed from the heat. I gasped for air as the smoke curled around my lungs. Slowly, I creeped across the room, trying to avoid the flames as best as I could. My breathing turned ragged as it got harder to breathe. Tripping over my feet, I found my way to the door eventually.

I yanked my hand back, yelping in pain as the metal seared my skin. Stepping back from the door, I looked around, my eyes stinging. The fire crackled, melting the paint off the walls. There was no other way out. I slammed myself against the door until my legs started giving out. My vision began to blur. I could feel my heart pounding rapidly inside my chest. Gathering my strength I barreled against the door one last time, breaking through to the night sky. Seeing the blue and red lights approaching I let myself fall to the floor as the sound of sirens filled my ears.

The fire fighters moved me away from the blaze. Tears fell from my eyes as I watched my home crumble. Bright lights blinded me for a moment as Emma pulled into the driveway. She rushed towards me making sure I was alright.

“Where’s Wesley?”She asked. And with those two words a chill ran down my back. My stomach dropping to the floor. I could feel the color draining from my face, as I looked back towards the burning house. The last thing I heard was Emma’s agonizing cry as she read my face.

Tears fell from my face as I saw her now. Rubbing the scar on my hand. A hidden haunted look in her eyes that was mirrored in mine. I let go of the letter in my pocket, and with a stifled sob I got out the words that had been weighing down in my chest for a year.

”I’m sorry. I wish I had gotten him out. I wish he was still around to give me advice. Tell me to gather my courage. I’m so so sorry.”

Emma reached for my hand, wiping the tears from my face as her own traveled down hers. She pulled me in. And we stood there holding each other,neither of us letting go.