LEARNING TO TRUST IN MY BROKENNESS

I remember when we first saw each other,  everyone walked past me,  saying I was too old, that I looked dangerous or that I  wouldn't be safe around their children.  I lay my head back down watching indifferently as the crowd made their way to the others, when he approached.  I expected him to pass me by too, but he didn't, he kneeled down in front of the cold bars that kept me trapped and studied me. Something was different about this human, it felt like he could see beyond the scars on my body,  beyond the lies that my former owners had spread about me to ease their own guilt.  I crept closer to the bars and pressed my nose against the cold metal, continuing to watch him, waiting to see how he would react. I nearly flinched when his fingertip carefully stoked my nose,  but I forced myself to relax,  knowing almost by instinct that he wouldn't hurt me.  A gentle smile crossed his lips and he suddenly got to his feet, gesturing at me to one of the workers who instantly approached him and nodded, holding out a clipboard with a form on it that he quickly read and then signed.  A shudder went through me as he placed several pieces of paper into the worker's hand and I understood that I was finally getting out. I whined softly,  I was finally going to be free! The worker took out a key and opened the door, but I didn't move at first,  it felt like a dream and I was afraid it would be taken away from me if I  took that first step. Then the man knelt back on the ground,  waiting patiently for me to approach him, to make the first move.

"It's okay girl, I understand that you're afraid and have been hurt, I  am willing to take it one step at a time until you trust me."

I slowly got to my feet,  terrified that I would be hurt again,  that I would be abandoned again;  but something about this man made me want to trust him,  even a little.  Limping carefully, I made my way over to him and saw the tears in his eyes as a trembling smile reached his face and he nodded his head at me encouragingly.

"Take your time, girl, you can do it."

Ignoring my pain,  I made my way to the human who seemed to see me in a way  no one else ever bothered to, wanting to belong to him, for him to be my family.  The moment  I  stood in front of him,  he wrapped his arms around me, his tears wetting my fur as he apologized for everything that I'd been through,  that he hadn't gotten to me before I was broken repeatedly by a cruel world.  I whined gently, wanting him to know that it wasn't his fault,  that I knew he would care for me from now on and that  was grateful.  The man slowly calmed down and rose to his feet,  making his way towards the front of the building.

"Let's go home girl."

I followed him,  overjoyed that I  was wanted in a world where everyone who came before considered me useless and threw me away.  I'm going to be okay.  I let out an excited bark as we approached a car in the parking lot and he opened the front passenger door helping me inside.  The man stood for a moment,  watching me with a look of pure love and devotion that no one else had ever given me and I knew instinctively that I would do anything for him and that he would do the same for me.  He got behind the wheel of the car and soon the world was passing us by in a blur of sights and sounds that I  almost forgot existed. This must be what true happiness feels like.  I hope nothing takes it away from me again.  I don't know when I fell asleep,  but  the sound of a car door opening snapped me away and I panicked, the last time I heard that sound, I was led out of another car with a dog toy thrown out of my reach and by the time I found it, my family was driving away. Was I being abandoned again? Was he leaving me alone after I let my guard down? Then the man was walking towards me and I calmed down. He wasn't leaving, everything was still alright. I pressed my head into the palm he extended towards me, letting him know that I trusted him, that as long as he stayed with I would never leave him. We made our way to a small apartment that instantly felt like home to me, but I froze when I saw another dog sitting in front of the door waiting for the man. The last time this happened, I was hurt so badly that I was afraid to come out from under the bed, that was probably the reason my third family dumped me in that place and told them I was dangerous. I whimpered, backing away slowly, but the other dog just watched me without approaching.

"It's alright girl, he won't hurt you. Isn't that right Eddie?"

The other dog tilted his head and wagged his tail at the mention of his name, but made no further movements and I felt myself relaxing, I only slightly. I reminded myself that this human was different. He wouldn't allow me to get hurt and if I did, he wouldn't abandon me and send me back to that place. He made his way inside and I followed him with a mixture of trust and caution. Though he was breaking through my walls, there were still wounds that hadn't healed yet, things that I would need time to recover from, but I was not longer fighting for myself, he was fighting for me and I was going to be alright.