The long road to freedom

This story contains grief, the death of a child family member, divorce, bullying, emotional abuse, and controlling domestic behavior.

Cold days and hot nights

Nobody believed in me. That was their first mistake."My anxiety bumps every day, a constant tremor beneath the newness. I wake up thinking, 'it’s a new day,' but the same questions are waiting: Who is going to hurt me today? Why do I feel like I'm going to fall, like the ground is a step further away than it should be? The question of my place hangs in the air: Where is my friend group? It seems like I still don't know who I am. The weight of every day. Do I really need to figure it all out right now? Wait. Now I have another question. What will I do after high school? You, dear reader, might not know I'm writing this late at night. Sometimes I wonder, does the world have to be so depressed? I thought there would at least be happy people. I thought books, at least, would be fun. But what happens if you read a sad book? Oh wait. There is depression in books, too? I thought we could at least escape, but it's really hard. Can I tell you a secret? Don’t tell anyone. But here goes anyway: I wasn’t ever really happy. And now, I'm running. Not away from sadness, but to find a friend."

When did this world even become a world? Did God create it? Or what, it is some stupid big bang? I feel like people don’t realize the truth. When I was walking to my stepdad’s house one day, I thought to myself, Why did my mom and dad even have to divorce? I thought they were in the perfect relationship. But I guess not. It seems like every time I think about things being perfect it seems like they never actually are. Just like how I thought my baby cousin's life was perfect and he “had” perfect health until he was diagnosed with Sepsis and passed away just yesterday. I cried when I got home from school, and my stepdad told me to stop because crying is “bad” for your body. What?! That’s not even true. My stepdad makes me mad sometimes. He also hates talking about pretty much everything with me. But I love my mom so much more. She is like someone I want to keep in my heart forever. She is catholic, but I don’t really know what that is. Which is why I consider myself an atheist.

I never really understood what it meant to be loved, so I never really have been interested in it until I met the one guy, Borlin, who has made me feel more worthy to be alive. Also, not going to lie, I am tired of my parents. But my mom is great. She makes me blueberry cookies all of the time. She also gets me monsters from the grocery store, so I have one every day when I come home from school. I hate school so much. I am in my sophomore year of school, and it sucks. Why do people hate me so much? Why am I considered a piece of shit to everyone? I honestly wish people could see me for who I truly am. I am an Atheist but I am trying to be a better person. Really. Also, I have been going to mass with my mom because I am always so bored on Sunday. It is really boring, and I can’t understand why she goes. Until last Sunday, the 15th of June, I didn’t find it that boring, but kinda interesting. But it's still confusing.

Tomorrow I have school again. Let me define my school. A bunch of stuck-up rich white kids who all seem to think they are kings and queens with their damn BMWs and Corvettes. I just want to say, the kind of car my mom got for me was nice, but not the kind of nice the rich kids would think. She got me a 2024 red Honda Civic Sport. Her name is Krys. She reminds me of my mom, my Lily. Slow but sure. Don’t tell her I said that, btw. I can’t wait to show Krys to Borlin. He’ll love it. I’m sure of that.

When I got to school, every student was wearing clothing that seemed to be over 400 dollars. The most expensive clothing I have is a Nike hoodie, which, yes, I know it’s not expensive, but my mom doesn’t want us to own expensive clothing. I had to run to class before the bell rang, which was like four minutes. It usually is an eight-minute walk to the other side of the building. Our school is so big that there are literally three different lunch rooms, which are actually all different. There is fast food, casual dining, and then the rich people's food. That’s where most kids usually go. But my family doesn’t have enough money to buy ribeye steaks for lunch every day, so I just got a cheeseburger and some fries. When I was younger, I had wished my family were rich, but now I am glad that we are just upper-middle-class instead of having millionaire parents. They all have large rooms just for their clothes and two bedrooms instead of one. They have two, so they can swap between light and dark colored bedrooms. My family lives in a beautiful house with three stories and four bedrooms. It’s only me, my mom, and my stepdad. The man I will hate forever. We have one bedroom just full of Carlo’s shit when he came into our family. Don’t tell him, but sometimes I go in there and throw some of it away. Why does he need it all? Besides, he made mom give up her bedroom so he could put all of his stuff in it and took the smaller bedroom for himself. He makes Mom sleep on the couch. I hope he will leave. He thinks he can boss mom around whenever he wants, because he’s the “man of the house”.