All I have to do is jump

There is deceit in the air. I can smell it. There is something I am missing. My classmates are bringing me somewhere for an initiation, but I know something is amiss. It's this unrelenting tug at the back of my mind, screaming at me to get out before it's too late. But I won't back down. I never have, and I never will.

Crickets scream in the falling veil of darkness and shivers bite my skin. Moisture fills my nostrils as I shake my head and pick up the pace. I mustn't fall behind. We walk for hours, long enough to make it hard to find a well-hidden, settling corpse.

We come to a stop, a dozen teens my age halting before me. No one is behind. Like always, I stand apart.

“Notar, this is your one chance to become one of us, to become our equal. Jump.”

I push myself to the front of the herd and stare forward. I turn to my classmates. “Is this really your initiation ceremony?” I kill the fear in my voice. “Jumping off a cliff?”

“Of course, Notar. Don’t tell me you're afraid! I expected more from you. Actually, I didn’t expect anything at all.” Snickers join the faceless boy. “After all, we’re nobles, and you’re just a poor little boy from the countryside. If you can’t even do this, how do you expect to fit in with us?” The faceless figure turns to the others, and shares demented and warbled laughs. I can’t make out any of their features, and their voices are muffled as if I was drowning.

I can see what these noblemen are, their true selves hidden behind their disguises of angels and saints. Only I can see what is beneath the glittering balls and the opulence they flaunt. The slaves they stand on, the lives they destroy. I see it all, because I am not one of them.

I peer at the undying chasm beneath my feet, a ditch falling more than just a few kilometers into the deep. There has to be something at the bottom. Water, or a net, anything. I can't let myself think otherwise. My resolve is already close to snapping.

All I have to do is jump. Come one, Notar. Jump, and you’ll have their trust. If you have their trust, you’ll have your revenge. Get their trust, get their trust, get their blood. It's a mantra in my head, repeating like a skipping disk.

If I can’t even do this, how do I expect to avenge my family? I force myself to the ledge, gorge extending miles into the earth, days into hell. I clench my fists, settling my nerves and stilling my trembles. I throw a glance at Sevi, the only person I consider trustworthy in this group of demons. Stepping forward, he offers a tight smile and inclines his head just a bit. And like any good friend, he places his hand between my shoulder blades, and pushes. 

I nosedive and shriek. My lungs compress into dried raisins, too small to supply oxygen to my failing brain. The rush of adrenaline tugs me back to consciousness as my heart lifts to my throat. Darkness smothers me like a moist blanket sprawled over a person overtaken by a fever. I can't breathe.

I tumble through the shadows, heart beating in my temples. I am whipped from side to side as the wind tugs me in its fickle play. I want to lose consciousness, but I can’t. Let it stop. 

In the books and plays, when the characters fall, they never seem to feel the pain. They never seem to scream, or cry out for help when they hit the ground. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this. 

My body crushes against the stone, bones splintering into a thousand white shards. I open my mouth, agony rushing through my body like blood. I want to scream, the only thing leaving my lips being a silent cry torn from my throat. I bring my hand to my temple. It never comes.

Maybe they didn’t stay silent because they didn’t feel the pain. Maybe it was because they couldn’t move. 

Painful tears rip from my eyes and small breaths labor through my chest. Bone glows white in the night as my eyes flicker from my legs to my upper body. There isn’t much left of my calves and bile floods my mouth at the mess. My vision blurs and I choke.

The pain is too much to handle, but the adrenaline keeps me awake.

I want to walk it off, I want to go back to my room, where I was safe… I want my family. I want my brother. I want the days where he would get me ice cream at the pier, when he would tug at my hair to wake me up. I want my mom, who wouldn’t hate me for it, because boys weren’t allowed to have long hair, but mom never judged. I want my dad, who would teach me how to cook and fish, who would tell me to protect my brother, because we were all we had in life.

I know revenge doesn’t bring them back, it never does, not even in the stories. But it would’ve given me closure, given me some sense of justice. I wanted to end those who stole my family from me. It didn’t matter if I’d died, because I would’ve gone fighting. But I didn’t. I’m going to die, pushed down a ditch by those I wanted to destroy. And they didn't even know of my true intentions. Gods, the irony hit hard.

Footsteps scuff against the ground and echo throughout the darkness. I try twisting my neck, but I can’t move. I can't move.

“Do not worry, little child of darkness. We will help you,” a deep voice rumbles. “We will welcome you when no one else has. You have taken your leap, little one, and now your fate is in our hands.”