Antebellum Auction (Inspired by Margaret Mitchell)

"Hey Y'all, how we doing? My name is Jake Calapoo and I will be your auctioneer today. This is a themed auction and we will be bidding on Southern items and no share-bidding is allowed. There are fifteen items for sale and you will be speaking your bets, not raising paddles. Righty then. Let's get to it! I would first like to introduce you to..."

"What on Earth is he talking about?"

"Oh, um, sorry, but I don't think we've met. Who are you?"

"I'm Cara Lythorne, obviously! If you've never met me, then you've been living under a god-awful rock. Have you never heard of me? Oh, child, I come to about fifty of these a year. There's no one that outbids me, ever. What's your name, darling?"

"Minny Culpote."

"Oh, if that isn't the sweetest name I ever heard! Oh, look at your blouse, you must need a wash. Here, I'll help you out. You don't look like you've been to a ton of these."

"Thanks a lot, Missus, I'd love some help."

"You're kindly welcome. Now, you see that man over there, the one with his meathook in his shirt? That's Johnny Dale. You see, he's a real bonehead. I've heard from my girls that he's been on the make for a full score now."

"Really? That's a mighty long time. What's he doing here?"

"Well, Minny, he's in a bash and he's dolling up so he can buy anything he wants. Typical with these hillbilly boys."

"Who's that?"

"That woman over there is Martha Vince. You see her feather hat? That's fake. See that otter shawl? Fake. See that fur coat? Fake. That's just what she is. Fake."

"Why are you panning her so hard? Do you hate her?"

"No, I don't like her attitude. She acts like she's letting us buy the stuff she doesn't bid on."

"Oh... that's awful. Does she not like you?"

"She thinks we're all beneath her, Missus Riches and Gold. Its pure luck that her hubby struck it rich in the Yukon."

"That wasn't any more than five years ago! He can't have gotten that rich."

"Child, you must really be naive. I don't wanna be the one to tell you this, but, well, some people... they stole other people's earnings. Then they did them in. I know, I know, don't act so shocked. I know it for a fact, Mary Margaret told me her father saw it happen."

"That's horrible! Don't those people have a lick of self-respect?"

"No, child, they don't. No one up there does. Now hush, Jakey's speaking."

"Our first item of the night is an ornate vase that Robert E. Lee owned. We'll start the bidding at 10,000 dollars, do I see 10,000? Anyone?"

"10,000."

"10,000 from Missus Martha Vince. Do I see 11,000? Anyone for 11,000?"

"Watch me, Minny, I'm about to snatch it from under her nose. 11,000 please, Jakey!"

"11,000 from Madame Lythorne! Do I see 12,000? Anyone for 12,000?"

"I'll take a piece of that action."

"12,000 for Mr. Dale."

"13,000!"

"Holy! 13,000 for Missus Vince! Do I hear 14,000?"

"These people are mad! Is this how every one of these goes?"

"Hush, Minny, I'm bidding. 14,000 please, Jakey!"

"Hoo, that'll screw with you finances! 14,000 for Madame Lythorne, do I see 15,000?"

"15,000!"

"15,000 for... wait, who said that?"

"I did!"

"Minny, surely you're not thinking of going against me!"

"Sorry Ms. Lythorne, but its my first time. Could you let me have this one?"

"Aw, fine. What the heck, I do like charity work."

"15,000 for M-Minay Cupoltah."

"That's Minny Culpote, sir."

"Thank you kindly, young Miss. 15,000 going once, going twice, so-"

"16,000."

"Oh, last second! 16,000 for Missus Vince! 16,000 going once, going twice..."

"16,500."

"Oh, you're in it for sure, sweetie. This is going to be a little on the hard-baked side but I believe in you. Come on, kick her where it hurts!"

"Hush, I'm paying attention. You're right, this is fun!"

"16,500 for the young Miss. Do I hear 17,000?"

"17,000"

"17,000 for Missus Vince-"

"Oh, child, she's staring at you. Oh, I just want you to cream her. Come on now! Stare her down."

"I'll take 18,000."

"Oh! Mr. Dale's back in it with 18,000. 18,000 going once, going twice... sold!"

"What just happened, Cara? Did he steal it?"

"Jeez, honey, I thought you were on a roll there. Yeah, he swooped it. That's why you should've let me do it. Still, you tried."

"Thanks for giving me some help, but I think I'm good now."

"Excuse me? If you wanna be a little doll and abandon the master then that's fine with me, just don't come slouching back."

"Allrighty. Next item up for auction: A Gullah chair with ornate carvings. We'll start the bidding at 8,000."

"What's your name?"

"Oh, uh, hello Mr. Dale. Congratulations on your vase. I'm Minny."

"Oh, you're the little dove that was betting!"

"Yeah. I would so like to get back to that now, if you don't mind."

"Oh sure, go ahead."

"8,000!"

"8,000 for the young Miss, do I hear 9,000?"

"I'd like to learn a little more about you, if you don't mind."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Dale, but I don't date insipid bachelors."

"What do you mean, inspid?"

"You're clearly drunk so please stop bothering me."

"I'm not drunk! Who put you in such a tizzy?"

"Just leave me alone."

"8,000 going once, going twice-"

"I'll take 9,000!"

"9,000 for Mr. Dale."

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Bidding. That's what this is all about, isn't it?"

"Get your filthy hands off my bid."

"Not unless you tell me your address."

"Of course not! I'm appalled you'd even ask! 10,000!"

"11,000 for me, Jake."

"11,000 for Mr. Dale. Do I see 12,000?"

"Fine, just get your bid out of there. 127 Sycamore Road."

"I'll take my bid out of the ring, Jakey."

"Okay, the 10,000 for the young Miss stands. Going once, going twice, sold!"

"You'll see me around, Minnie."