This Is How It Ends

* Mild graphic sexual descriptions *

The summer sun glinted off her mocha-brown skin and highlighted the streaks of red and gold in her hair. Her smile was wild and infectious. I lay out on the towel, feeling the flecks of water evaporate off me in the heat, and watch her playing endlessly with her golden retriever in the water.

It’s been like this every summer since I can remember: our families meeting together at the lake. I remember when we were younger, nothing held us back, nothing made it complicated. We were just untamed children letting our imaginations run away with us. We used to play imaginary games and defeat terrible villains. We’d splash around in the water and barely manage to come in for meals.

Until we turned thirteen and things changed. Suddenly, seeing her left a different feeling inside me. She was no longer just my friend, my eccentric playing partner. She was something else. My body and my mind started to tingle at the sight of her. I could tell by the deep crimson surfacing on her cheeks that she felt the same. But it wasn’t until the following summer that I’d gather the courage to kiss her. Her lips were soft and still sugary from the s’mores we had eaten. Her kiss seemed reserved, but her hands gripped my shirt and pulled me closer into her. I felt, in that moment, that I could kiss her forever. I hoped I would.

Despite the distance of the long year, when summer came again, our romance picked up like a wildfire in the brush. She had been my first everything. First exploration of our bodies, connection, touch, and real love. Her breasts were like scoops of chocolate ice cream placed perfectly on her chest. Her skin was smooth and electrifying. I felt excitement and movement in my own body - things I had never felt before. Everything with her felt so vibrant and real; I couldn’t imagine anything else.

Last summer, we talked about college, where we would go and the idea of being together full-time. I couldn’t believe it might all be happening. I wanted to spend the holidays with her and watch her drink pumpkin spice lattes while wearing one of my hoodies. I wanted to snuggle with her by a fire and enjoy the first buds of spring.

Now, watching her play in the water, my hope lifts me higher. This is all I could ever want. She smiles radiantly, and it sets my heart aflame. Her laugh is like fireworks through the afternoon air. Everything within me calls to her, desires her.

“Cody, come in the water!” she cries out to me. I’m up before she finishes her request. She moves away from me, further into the water, beckoning me to catch her. I wade through the water with Ginger barking beside me. I grab for her, and she manages to pull away. I smile, enjoying the game, desperate to win and hold her. I reach again and catch her only by the arm as I lose my footing, resulting in us both fully submerged in the water.

We come up for air laughing and giggling, and I still struggle to hold on to her. Finally, I gather myself and have her in my arms. There’s a strange, far-away look in her eyes that I can read. I tuck the wet strands of her hair back behind her ear. She looks almost like a beckoning siren with her hair clinging to her like seaweed and the sun sparkling off the water on her skin. She smiles brightly, and I melt into her arms. I reach in to kiss her, but she pulls away too quickly.

“We should go for a walk and talk,” she suggests, pulling me back towards the rocky sand. I follow without hesitation. This is to be expected. After all, we haven’t talked all summer about our plans, college, or anything. But something about her smile, her tone - I can’t be sure - leaves a sinking feeling in my stomach.

We slip on just our shoes and wander into the woods away from prying eyes. My wet swim trunks cling to the side of me as we brush past the bushes and wildflowers of the forest. The heat blazes on despite the shade, but we move quicker through the thicket. When she stops, we are in front of the giant rock we had come to know as ‘our spot’. Now she reaches over and kisses me fiercely, clinging onto my slick skin as if for dear life. My body starts to tingle again.

“Cody, we’ve got to talk, and it’s going to hurt,” she starts, pulling away from me now and leaning against the rock. She’s tucked both her hands behind her back and is staring at the ground, making little lines with her shoe. My stomach seems to sink again.

“Okay, what’s going on? What’s wrong?” I ask. I try to reach for her, but she flinches now. A rise of hurt and betrayal masked as anger surfaces in me. Why would she flinch away from me?

“I’m not going to Northwestern,” she admits quietly. I blink, waiting for more information, more context. She sneaks a glance at me before darting her eyes back towards the ground.

“The thing is I applied to Dartmouth, and I got in….”

My mind starts to spin. She had talked about Dartmouth for a long time; it was her dream to go, but she had no real expectations of getting accepted. I knew I certainly wouldn’t be accepted. I start to think about what other colleges are in New Hampshire and what else I could do.

“Okay, I think you should go then. I know you want to. I can do late submissions and find another college near there, or maybe just do a year at Northwestern and transfer. I mean, we’ve been doing the separation thing for years now; one more won’t kill us,” I reply, trying to chuckle lightly as I did. The expression on her face told me this wasn’t the worst of it.

“I don’t want you to. I don’t want you to transfer or move to New Hampshire. I need to make a change. I love you, Cody; I do. But I don’t want to be trapped in this,” she says, gesturing between us, “I want to be free. I want to explore, meet new people, and try new things.”

“By ‘new people,’ do you mean ‘new guys’? Because I’m not stopping you from exploring and trying new things. I know you want to travel and see the world… I just thought we planned on going together.”

“I’m sorry. I thought… last year… I thought that’s what I wanted. But what I wanted was a perfect summer adventure, a dream love that lives only in summer. I don’t want to feel so tied down, like life is already decided.”

“Maya, please,” I beg, feeling the tears well up behind my eyes. Is that what it felt like to her? That I trapped her? That I forced her into a cage and trapped her from her dreams? “I’m sorry. I never meant to make you feel like that, but let’s talk about this, please.” She was already shaking her head before I finished.

“My family is leaving tomorrow. This is goodbye.”

I was too shocked to stop her or protest against her when she kissed me firmly one more time. I listened to the sound of her footsteps fading farther and farther away from me. I felt like my entire being had been flattened, my heart stomped on until it was crushed into the dirt. All the thoughts, dreams, and plans I had for us, for our future, were dead now. Our love was dead now.

Summer was over and so were we.