Mighty King Koramides

Dear King Koramides,

The enemy has been seen coalescing around Harperberry’s Pond, Suffort Fuffex Prefecture. This is the opportunity that we have been waiting for since the early days of Gastos the Macromedia.

Our soldiers are fit. Everyone is reading and writing books. Their swords are sharp enough to cut paper at scale. I can’t believe I get to see the War of the Century play out.

Ever since I was a young boy, I have felt a need for adventure. Riding my big, fat horse on the battlefield will be a story that I tell my grandchildren about. As soon as I have kids, that is.

We are ready for your orders. The multiverse is asking for your chips. All you have to do is give the word and we will sacrifice all manner of agency and independent thought.

Yours truly,

Penmax

Dear Penmax,

Who are you? I’ve never heard the name Penmax before in my entire life. It reminds me of when I was a kid and my father told me I was a good “Schepsche.” I was like, what the heck is that?

I don’t know what you are talking about. Yes, I am a king. Yes, I have plans to invade. I don’t know who told you that, because you’re obviously not “in the know.” Obviously. Maybe you were intending to message the enemy king? What was his name?

Jasper?

Anyway, I have absolutely no idea what you are referring to. Harperberry’s Pond is in Bewsburry, not Suffort Fuffex Prefecture. I am a king, but I’m no fool. I know what a map is! Where is that map, anyway? I should have known that this would happen.

Obviously, I’m no longer a young whippersnapper, but at least I like to think that I have the ability to tell where I am at a particular moment in time. Don’t you think? You should really think about changing your wardrobe. A thread from your sleeve fell into the envelope and just looking at it here was the most tremendous faux pas.

I can also smell your breath on the paper. Not very pleasant.

Yours truly, now and forever,

King Koramides

Dear King Koramides,

I will attempt to keep my “treads” from treading on your holy highness’s abode for just a second more. From now on, I will be writing these letters while wearing my silk pajamas.

In order to protect His Royal Highness the King from my rancid breath, I will also hold my breath while writing and turn my face to breathe.

That being said, you don’t remember me? I was best man at your fool’s funeral. I delivered your daughter’s doll. I did your taxes before they were ritually torn to shreds. How could you not know me?

King Koramides, we’ve had so many good times together. Remember when we both got drunk on melted marshmallow juice and stormed the castle?

I…Uh…I mean, do you remember when we caught that idiot who was drunk on melted marshmallow juice and who acted, wholly of his own accord, for the purpose of…storming the castle?

I don’t always advocate torture for storming the castle, but when I do, the guy screams. Anyway, thank goodness that you’ve found yourself an army. Just give the word and we’ll crush these Jalopylites back to the Crow Age while singing Medieval Pop Songs until the night is true.

Ah, silliness.

Yours truly,

Penmax

Dear Penmax,

This is King Koramides. I honestly have never heard your name before. That reminds me that I have misplaced the key to my giant treasure chest. It’s a very important treasure chest.

It’s the treasure chest that contains my daughter, the princess’s, virginity chamber. Also known as a “chastity belt.”

Anyway, her virginity chamber was a gift from her great grandmother. She wore it for fifty years straight. Never showering once.

So, I took the virginity chamber off my daughter to have the shock absorbers recalibrated and for an alignment.

I put the virginity chamber in the chest and then lost the key! Ever since then, large gangs of teenage boys have been whistling and shouting outside my window. I’d hang them all, but their parents are all bakers and artisans.

Anyway. Don’t know you? Judging by your threads and your breath, you probably look like Golem from The Lord of the Rings anyway. You’re not my right-hand-man. You’re a Crubkite.

Yours truly, through thick and thin and all adversity,

King Koramides

Dear King Koramides,

This is Penmax

Our soldiers have attacked the enemy and won! I was waiting for you to give the word, but then your nephew, Cletus, said, “Awe, hell! Let’s just do it and get it over with!” and we did it.

Cletus is a very sophisticated man, a man after my own heart. I wish I could have expressed to you how important it was for us to achieve this military victory.

Without this war, we wouldn’t be able to pillage. If we couldn’t pillage, we couldn’t tax. Without taxing, we couldn’t pander. Without pandering, all our multiplicative cognitive delusions would be moot and cold.

Thank God I never learned how to read! My executive assistant, Assistia, is the one I am dictating to. Thank Goodness good culture has always gone over my head! I wish it would have been enough for me to say that I never would have been valedictorian anyway!

Yours truly,

Penmax

Dear Penmax,

I don’t think I have to tell you this, but your breath stinks! Please do not breathe in the room in which you write these letters. I almost have to wear a hazmat suit just to open the envelope!

You say my soldiers have won, you say? Well, we’ll see about that. I’ve just ordered all my soldiers to put on community theater. They’ll be playing that old bard, Shakespeare, as if he had never been born 200 years in the future, if you know what I mean.

Yours truly through death,

Mighty King Koramides