Swan Maiden

A man of humblest beginnings and many kindnesses was born in the most unfortunate of circumstances. His parents had died when he was four, and he was taken in by his aunt. His aunt was an aristocratic woman, though she didn’t have the money to backup that lifestyle. She lived in a massive, three storey mansion and where once she put the man to work around the house. She now was selling him as an actor and singer since he was talented in the arts. Contractually, she owned him almost as if he were a slave. The man in question was born delicate. Brittle bones that broke easily, eyes with poor vision—nearly blind—but made all the more charming and humble because of it. 

I remember the first day I bumped into him as clearly as sunshine. That morning, I paddled around in the Celestial Lake with my webbed swan feet. The lake, though humans didn’t realize it, was infused with pristine magic. Swimming in it was like experiencing a kind of eternal delight that never ended.I rarely felt the need to venture from my forest, but after hundreds of years of paddling and crystallized peace, I felt the need to explore. I hadn’t seen my friends in the longest time, after all.

Galatea the unicorn was the first friend I wanted to see. She liked grazing in a nearby meadow, and I waddled over to her meadow to say hello, but felt an icy chill roll down my spine when I saw no one was there. A wise owl hooted and addressed me, “Are you looking for Galatea?” 

I nodded, “Where is she?”

“She became inconsolable and became Errant Magic.” The owl said.

“Disappeared?” I was aghast. We creatures made of magic could disappear any time we wished and return to Errant Magic floating wildly and aimlessly through the air, but to do so was considered shameful and pointless. After all, Errant Magic provides no value to the world until it is formed into something beautiful, like myself.” I asked the owl, “Why did she do such a thing?”

The owl replied, “She experienced something truly horrifying—a thing only mortals can experience.”

“And what is that?”

“Pointlessness.” The owl answered. “She saw a human family, became close with them, and felt the infinite chasm of pointlessness yawning within her.”

“Pointlessness? As if she were already Errant Magic? But she added to this world with her beauty, with the inspiration she provided to mortals she made herself known to. How could she feel as if it were pointless?” 

“She felt a longing for the way humans achieve an immortality of their own.” The owl lamented. “It was despicable.”

“To admire humans! It is despicable!” I exclaimed. “I shall speak of this to Gloria.”

“Gloria became Errant Magic as well.” The owl said.

I couldn’t believe my ears. Gloria was a noble harpy disguised as a vulture. She and I were the best of friends and had thousands of years of friendship and memories we had made together. For her to give up all her knowledge and experience and give in to becoming nothing… it was inconceivable. 

“But why?”

“She encountered humans as well, but had quite the opposite experience. She flew to another place, saw the carnage, destruction, and vileness of war, and she, too, dissolved and became Errant Magic. She said she is here for humans, and seeing how repulsive they were, she lost her reason for being.” The owl shook his head sadly. 

I asked after all my other immortal friends, and discovered they had all returned to Errant Magic for various reasons. I went back to my pool after that and paddled around once again. Throughout my migrations, friends came and went, but they never willingly chose to become nothing. Weeks passed, then months, and I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I flew out of my forest, intending to meet some humans to determine what was so awful or grand about them that they should cause us immortals to return to the air.

I flew into the nearest city, shocked at how much things had changed for humans since I had last ventured out. There were no longer vast green hamlets, instead, there were vast cities. From above, I saw a stage lit up outdoors. Blinding lights flooded the stage and mist. I flew in for a closer look and heard singing. I hadn’t heard singing since I had snuck into a king’s ball long ago. I hopped through the crowd until I arrived at the front of it, and there I saw him. He locked eyes with me, and even with his poor vision, he knew what I was. It was bizarre for a human to see through our disguises. He stared, lost his place in the song he was singing.

Time stood still. Immortals don’t have hearts, but I thought I could feel what a beating heart felt like. 

The crowd saw the singer looking at me, and they all turned their gaze to me. There was shouting, something about me being planted there as a present for the crowd to catch. They all leapt at me and chased me. The singer cried out for them to stop, leapt into the crowd, and picked me up. He took me backstage hurriedly.

He gazed at me apprehensively, his faded, nearly blind eyes filled with awe. He whispered, “You aren’t just a swan, are you?”

It had been hundreds of years (I think) since I had spoken to a human. I decided, looking at his enchanting, golden face, to reveal myself.

“No, I’m not, and I’m surprised you could tell that.”

He jumped in surprise, taking a step back. “W-what are you?”

I cleared my throat, “I am Gwendolyn the Swan Maiden.” 

“Swan Maiden? You—you can talk!” He exclaimed.

“Of course I can! It is more surprising that you humans can talk.” I snickered.

He smiled. “When I saw you, I thought I saw…”

“Saw what?” Excitement coursed through me. 

“When I looked at you I thoughtI saw a blindingly beautiful woman.” He admitted.

I grinned. “Was she the most beautiful woman you have ever seen?”

He smiled wistfully, “She was a dream. But my aunt and contractors don’t allow me to date, so it would have been hopeless to pursue her.”

“You have an innocent and good heart. That’s how you were able to see me for what I am. I am intrigued by you, so I will follow you around.” I stated.

He blinked rapidly. “Well, company is always nice. Not sure my aunt will allow it, though. My name is Nils by the way.” 

I snorted haughtily. “Well, it’s good to meet you, Nils. She couldn’t stop me if she tried.”

So I followed him around for a year. I was disguised as his prized pet swan to the rest of the world. It was a fascinating experience. He was pushed to and fro, going from what humans called state to state, frequently collapsing, and doing everything he was told to do. I wondered why he was so loyal to people who clearly didn’t care for him. 

When they were going to have him do a stunt where he was suspended by ropes, I finally snapped. We were alone backstage, and I said, “So, I’ve decided to free you. Honestly, you are one of the most selfless, gullible fools I’ve ever seen. If I were you, I would have run away years ago.”

He smiled forlornly. “You don’t get it, do you? She’s my auntie. She needs my money and my support.”

“If you do that stunt you’ll break every bone in your body!” I replied. “And no I don’t get it.”

“You have no family. It’s true, you are a beautiful creature, far above us mortals in some ways, but you couldn’t possibly understand the need we mortals have to please our families. She’s looked after me since my mom died. I owe her everything.”

“Everything? Even your body? How far does loyalty to family stretch for you humans?” I was aghast. “I’ve had friends before who I’m loyal to but I would never debase myself as you have:” 

He looked down, his eyes full of a heart wrenching sadness that baffled me. “She’s all I have.” 

“That’s not true. You have me.” I replied.

He looked at me, his eyes full of wonder as if he could hardly understand what I had said. I saw my reflection in his eyes, and the way he looked at me made me feel warm. “You think… I deserve to be free?”

“Of course. I’ve seen you get down in the trenches, serving soup to the homeless, donating to the poor, and serving children. I have decided you’re pure enough of a spirit for me to reveal myself to. But first you have to promise to leave.”

“And go where? I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.” He whispered. 

I laughed heartily. “Ridiculous! Why should you need to know what to do with yourself? Have you never set off to the mountains to admire their beauty?”

He shook his head with a grin. “It’s pointless to go to the mountains without someone to enjoy it with.”

“My very presence gives everything meaning.” I retorted.

He looked at me as if I were insane, but he couldn’t stop smiling. He looked down bashfully. “I was miserable before I met you, you know? I had no friends and no one to talk to. I forgot to drink water without your reminders. I’ll go with you.”

***

We traveled together for a long time. Nils seemed happier, but deep down I could sense a fathomless sadness within him. It was difficult to comprehend sadness. It was a complex emotion that seemed to be owned by humans, just like meaninglessness. 

I asked him one day while we overlooked a shimmering pond full of ducks, “Why are you so sad?”

He glanced at me, then looked at his reflection in the pool. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, then said, “I have a predicament.”

I appraised him with my golden eyes. “A predicament?”

“Yes. You see, I want to get married, but I know I won’t ever love anyone else but you. But you are an enchanting being, mysterious and grand. I doubt you’d say yes.” He cleared his throat awkwardly.

I cocked my head to the side. “What is marriage?” 

“Marriage is… a ceremony that binds two people together.” He explained. “Forever.”

“You speak of the human emotion, love?” I asked. 

He nodded wordlessly. He was holding his breath. It was charming. I brushed my beak with my feathers. “It’s an interesting proposition… Do you really want to marry a Swan Maiden? You know I can’t love you back.” 

He inclined his head, smiling blissfully. “I love you enough for both of us.”

I was intrigued by his proposition at any rate. “Very well. I accept the proposal. You may take my feathered cloak.” 

He appraised me, and his eyes widened. Gently, he grabbed the feathers off my back, and was shocked when it came loose and before him, a beautiful woman sprung to life. I was now his height, sharing his same anatomy, and had shining, porcelain skin, feathery hair that cascaded to my lower back, and dark eyes that stood out starkly on my pale skin. My arms were still feathery, my hands and feet still clawed.

He stared in awe, then looked down bashfully. “That’s what you looked like when I first saw you. Can I kiss you?”

I didn’t know if I liked the sound of that. Mortals kissed all the time, but it seemed somewhat gross and beneath me. I shrugged, “Sure let’s give it a go.” 

He laughed raucously, then stopped and looked at me intensely. He stepped toward me, lifted his hands and cupped my cheeks with them. The world fell away once again, my cheeks felt hot. Something within me stirred and I was captivated by something terrifying and new. If I had a pulse, it would be racing. He drew me in, I closed my eyes. It was pure ecstasy, greater even than swimming in my pond back in the forest. 

The earth moved, and something within me changed forever.

***

Years later, we had a baby. Me and Nils lived far away from society in my old forest. We had built a cabin together, and I felt completely drained and sick. I had for a year now. Everything about me felt strange and alien, like I was looking at someone who wasn’t me in the mirror. I was wallowing in utter misery. My body felt frail—every little movement could cause me a discomfort that I had never known before. I was painfully aware that I had a body. 

I resented Nils. I had never known pain before I had met him. He had lured me in with that euphoric, short lived piece of joy known as love, the only human experience worth experiencing, and then made me experience the tragedy of the rest of the human experience when I was not even human. 

I was rocking our baby one day, half asleep, and my husband came up to me and asked me if he could get me anything. I scowled and said, “I almost had him asleep.”

He stuffed his hands in his pockets. “I’m sorry.” 

“You should be.” I snapped.

He frowned, then asked again, “Isn’t there anything I can do?”

“You can leave me alone for two seconds.” 

He paused for a moment, making that puppy dog expression of his that broke my heart, and then he walked away.

I looked at my baby and felt an aching sadness. His little cries broke my heart. Bitterly, I called my husband back in and tried to say more kindly, “Actually you can take the baby for a bit. I want to take a walk.”

He beamed at me asking him to help, and gladly took the baby. I went outside and explored my old forest. Everything about it felt so different. The old pool of water I swam in no longer brought me joy. I took a dip in the cool, refreshing water and felt nothing. Perhaps it had been me that made it so enchanting.

Then, my soul raced. I shot out of the water and found the wise owl. “Owl, why do I feel this way?”

“Foolish girl. You married a mortal and ceded your immortality. Once you have a child, you can no longer be immortal. The only things left that you can do are become Errant Magic or continue your life of misery. We immortals are our own legacy. Children are the legacy of mortals.” The owl chided.

I fell to my knees in horror. I shook my head. “This can’t be! I had no idea. N-Nils tricked me! If I had known… I just wanted to try something new. I’m terrified of my baby and this new life!”

“You chose what you chose. Can’t you feel it? Your body aging and fading away with every breath?”

“Breath? When did I start breathing?” He was right. I felt lightheaded, realizing that air was entering my lungs. “Immortals have no breaths! Becoming Errant Magic… how do I do it?”

“It’s easy. You simply let go of everything you have here, and you must wish to become nothing.” he answered.

I lowered my eyes, unsure if this was truly what I wanted. I had mocked the other immortals for doing this, and now I was going to follow in their steps. Woe to any being of grace and majesty that runs into a human. I went back to my husband and baby, trying to see if I wanted to stay. 

He was sweet to me as he always was. He offered to take so much off my plate, but when he did, I felt like I wasn’t doing enough, and I refused him. My husband, perhaps I still loved. The thing we had made together was cute, but I wasn’t sure. It was too hard for me to see the thing in pain, to imagine a future where he might continue to be in pain. 

I returned to the owl late at night, intent to disappear. The responsibilities, the misery, constantly having to be and rely on others were too much for an immortal like myself. 

“This is it. I wanted someone to know what I am doing.”

The owl said nothing, but inclined his head.

I knew my husband was pursuing me, and I didn’t want to be convinced to stay. 

I closed my eyes, tried to let go of everything I had formed in the mortal world. Nothing happened, and I tried again.

My husband shouted as he came to my side, “Don’t leave us!!”

I heaved a deep breath, looking at our baby and then cried, “I have to watch this thing that I brought into this world slowly perish, and you as well and then even I will turn to dust. What’s the point of it all?”

He frowned, bouncing our baby vigorously. He whispered, “I know what I’ve done to you. Part of me agrees that it’s an utter catastrophe to bring something as lovely as you down to our level. Do you truly regret it? Haven’t you found some sort of purpose in being with us?”

He had completely and utterly ruined me. But, looking into his eyes, I remembered. I remembered that marrying him wasn’t just a fun experiment for me. He had moved me deeply. All at once I realized that the life I was living before was the thing that had been nearly pointless, though it was painless.

This was it. This was the end of my immortality, the freedom to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Somehow, looking into their eyes, I was fine with it. The void was filled.