Ray of Light

“Father Daley, Father Daley, it is me, Ray Meehan.”

“Hello Ray.”

“You're not Father Daley.”

“Ray this is the confessional. You do not have to introduce yourself.”

“Sorry, Father Michael. I am tryin' to find Father Daley.”

“The confessional is for the Sacrament of Penance, a cornerstone of our faith. Not for locating individual members of the clergy.”

“So you don’t know where he is?”

“I did not say that.”

“Oh.”

“Are you here for the Sacrament of Penance?”

“Not really. I have looked everywhere for Father Daley and this was the only place I had not checked.”

“Father Daley flew to Ireland last night. His sister is sick.”

“Oh, poor Father Daley. Well you will have to help me, Father Michael.”

“I would be happy to help you Ray.”

“Well the thing is…”

“…in the Sacrament of Penance.”

“Oh.”

“You know how to start.”

“It has been a while Father.”

“How long?”

“I don’t know; it must be ages…”

“…say the words, if you cannot remember them, they are on a piece of paper by the window.”

“Forgive me father for I have sinned it has been ages since my last confession.”

“Go on my son.”

“Well, the thing is me and Father Daley have this thing…”

“Ray do the penance, then I will see if I can help you in the Father Daley matter.”

“Hmmm. I stole some sweets.”

“Ray Meehan you are thirty-six, when did you steal some sweets?”

“When I was fifteen.”

“It has been that long since your last confession?”

“Even longer, I have only done this once before. When we all had to do it, as kids at St. Stephens before our first Holy Communion.”

“Why did you not come before?”

“I did not want the priests to think badly of me.”

“Are you telling me I am going to have to listen to twenty-five years of sins?”

“I suppose so.”

"Continue."

“Well that’s about it, I stole some sweets.”

“In twenty-five years your only sin is you stole some sweets?”

“Well I did do it more than once, so it is probably quite a lot of sweets.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“Oh, you should, it would be a small mountain of sweets, if you added it all up.”

“No, no not that. You must have done different sins.”

“Nope, don’t think so.”

“Do you know all the different sins?”

“Yep.”

“You know the ten Commandments?”

“Most of them.”

“Go on tell me.”

“Don’t steal anythin', don’t kill anythin', don’t hurt little children.”

“Don’t hurt little children is not one of the ten commandments.”

“It should be, that’s a terrible thing to do.”

“Try again.”

“Umm... Don’t hurt any animals... unless it is in self-defence.”

“That’s not there either.”

“I am shocked; everyone knows you can’t do that.”

“The Commandments are a guide. Not an exhaustive list.”

“Well, maybe my rules I live by are better.”

“Right, there you go. That’s blasphemy; blasphemy, in the confessional box of all places. Commandment Number Two. By thinking your rules are better you have broken ‘Thou shall not take the lord’s name in vain.’”

“Have I?”

“Yes, you have most definitely.”

“Is it a sin if I do not realise it is a sin?”

“Well you do now, so we will let you off that one and mark it down as a lesson learned.”

“Maybe Father you should just list them and we will see how we go.”

“Okay, I am going to paraphrase.”

“What does that mean?”

“I am going to say it in a way you will understand.”

“That’s a good idea, Father.”

“Number 1. I am the LORD your God. Thou shall worship the Lord your God and Him only shall you serve. Which means 'Do you worship anything other than god?'”

“Does Mo Salah count, the centre forward for Liverpool Football Club?”

“No that’s fine.”

“He is a Muslim.”

“I applaud the diversity of choice you have in your heroes. As long as god is above Liverpool Football Club and the mighty Mo Salah in your heart we can move on.”

“It is Father.”

“Number 2. Thou shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.”

“I don’t understand.”

“If you bang your head, what do you say.”

“Ahh Feck.”

“Not perfect, but we will pass over it, next one.”

“Number 3. Remember to keep holy the Sabbath day. How often do you go to church?”

“I take Mum every week”

“Excellent that sorts half of the next one out as well. Number 4. Honour your father and your mother. How do you get on with your Dad?”

“Never met him. He run off before I was born.”

“Number 5. Thou shall not kill. Have you killed anyone?”

“Nope.”

“Number 6. Thou shall not commit adultery. Do you know what adultery is?”

“Never been married, so it does not apply to me.”

“It is a bit more complicated than that.”

“Is it?”

“Moving on, number 7. Thou shall not steal. Other than sweets have you stolen anything else. Misled anyone, cheated on an exam?”

“Nope.”

“Number 8. Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbour. Do you lie, tell tall tales, fib or tell porkie pies?”

“Never anything bad. I do tell small lies.”

“Ha, at last we have something. What lies have you told.”

“Well last Thursday, Mum had a terrible cold and was in bed. She wanted to get up and make me dinner, so I told her I had eaten at work so she could stay in bed and get better.”

“Well that’s not so bad. You should have looked after her.”

“I did I made her chicken soup.”

“Good man. Number 9. Thou shalt not covet your neighbour’s wife.”

“I think I get the gist of this one, no problem there, Mrs. Jackson is my only neighbour and she is in her nineties. Anyway her old man is dead. So we would probably still be okay on a technicality.”

“There are no technicalities and we are back to eight now as well; as you are clearly lying to me."

“I am not. I have never touched Mrs. Jackson.”

“The whole parish knows you are sneaking around with Shirley Milican, and she is married.”

“She might be but her old man is banged up in jail, on a ten-year stretch and she does not even live in my neighbourhood. She is all the way over the other side of town.”

“It is the same thing.”

“I disagree. I did not see anyone else getting her kids new school uniforms for the start of school last week. I am not apologising for that as I do not think I am doing anything wrong.”

“Would her husband, Harry, think the same, when he finds out?”

“The way I see it that is a very long way away and I will cross that bridge when I come to it.”

“It also is not the Sacrament of Saying Sorry.”

“Well it sort of is.”

“I am about to give up. I am going to keep the last one really simple. Number 10. Thou shall not covet your neighbour’s goods. Does Mrs. Jackson have anything that you wish you had.”

"Apart from all her teeth."

"Are you mocking me?"

“No Father, sorry Father, it was a joke about the sweets, sorry Father.”

"Well has she?"

"Nope."

“Well that is all of it.”

“That last one about Mrs. Jackson sounds silly. You should take it out and put my one in about not hurtin' little children.”

“I AM NOT REWRITING THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.”

“There is no need to shout. Father Daley told me anger was a sin.”

“Father Daley is right. I am not angry, nevertheless I am sorry. We can do the seven sins another day. Okay, it is just the sweets. Now tell me this Father Daley thing.”

“Well I like to bet on the horses…”

“Gambling on the horses is a sin.”

“No it is not.”

“I assure you, it is a sin.”

“Not the way I do it.”

“How do you gamble in a way that is not a sin?”

“When I get a tip, I come see Father Daley. He blesses my tip. Then it wins.”

“Every time?”

“Yes, every time. Now if that was a sin why would god be helpin' me and Father Daley pick the winners.”

“I have never heard anything so blasphemous. Which I might add is another sin.”

“I disagree. What Commandment tells you not to bet on horses?”

“You are a test, Ray Meehen. A test for me today. I am telling you now it is a sin as one of the leaders of your church. You must ask for forgiveness.”

“I will not. The way I see it. God acts in mysterious ways and this is just another one of them ways.”

“I am speechless and also feeling so very tired. Let’s wrap this up.”

“Anythin' you say Father.”

“Right, say the sixth part on the sheet.”

“I am sorry for these and all my sins in my past life.

“Ray, I absolve you of all your sins remembered and forgotten whether committed deliberately or accidently, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. For the sweets, say one Hail Mary and try to resist doing it again.”

“Okay Father but truth be told I have not done it in ages.”

“Do you know how to say a Hail Mary?”

“Sure do, my Mum taught me. Is that everythin', can I go?”

“Ray.”

“Yes.”

“What time is that race?”

“The 4.15 at Haydock tomorrow.”

“Do you know the name of the horse?”

“Dettori is ridin' it, I have the name right here in my pocket.”

"And.."

"It is it is called... 'Divine Intervention'."

“Give me strength, you could try the patience of a… I will bless your bet against my better judgement.”

“Thank you, Father.”

“If it wins I want half the winnings on the collection plate on Sunday.”

“Will do.”

“Ray Meehan, I am also going to pray for you.”

“Thank you, Father Michael.”