An Aspiring Failure

An Aspiring Failure

“MOMMMMMMMM!”, the little boy yells.

She takes a moment. Breathe in, and breathe out, breathe in, and breathe out. It’s like an internal prayer at this point.

“I’m coming, Angelo,” she calls putting down the laundry that needs to be folded to step into a kitchen that earns her a lot of judgmental glances, which is the honest reason she stopped inviting people over. It is a horrid kitchen. Pots and pans everywhere and an endless number of dirty dishes piling up in the sink. Yikes, would hate to be in charge of that. Well, the kitchen is only part of the reason she stopped having guests; she also feels like a failure. Everyone knows about this dream, she was sure was going to come true. Now it is just a place in her mind she occasionally visits to make sure it never dies.

“What’s up, buddy?”, she asks.

“Can you open Bluey on the TV, please”, Angelo says pointing at the screen,

“Of course, honey. But why did you not ask daddy who’s sitting in his office right next to you?” She questions, genuinely confused,

“Because dada is busy”, he responds with half effort, the rest of his attention gazing at the TV,

“Well Angelo, Mommy is also working,” she counters, hating the stereotypical idea that “stay at home” work isn’t actual work. It is not like this was her dream job, but she loves her kids and would give up her dreams for them again and again if she had to,

“Nooo Mommy. You don’t have jo...,” he doesn’t finish speaking, fully shifting his focus to the blue dog on the screen.

Kathy heads back to the laundry room, holding back tears. Repeatedly she is seen as less than all her successful friends and her husband Mark whose salary is the reason she does not have a paying job to help. And yes, she is grateful for the opportunity to spend time with her kids, but it puts her at a lower “rank” compared to her husband.

She aspires to be a chef. A lifelong dream you could call it. Since she was at the ripe age of five years old, Kathy fell in love with cooking. She made her family endless cupcakes with poor icing jobs and cookies with a fortune worth of chocolate chips. She was a little girl in a far too big apron prepared to fulfill her dreams.

That was all until she met Mark, the perfect man her family pushed into her life. And she fell in love with him. Which usually is unexpected in cases like these, but the kindness in his heart was so admirable and maybe she loved the idea of stability that he brought to a family. With the income he made, he was strongly against women working. Sounds pretty insecure to me. He was really just taught traditional gender roles growing up, blocking the space for growth and trying something new. She’s forever grateful for her family and little kiddos, but there is always a little nagging desire in her heart to chase after cooking.

“Mom, I am hungry!” Anastasia, Kathy’s 4-year-old daughter, calls out.

This was Kathy’s favorite type of “MOM!”. She drops the vacuum (not really, vacuums are expensive) and honestly skips into the kitchen. Wow, that is living proof that she unintentionally displays her passion throughout her day-to-day life. What a shame. She could be making income by simply doing her hobby well.

“What would you like?” She asks Ana while turning on the kitchen light.

You should see her when she cooks. Apron wrapped into a neat bow around her waist. Hair tied back into a frizzy ponytail. She wears a smile so big, it’s honestly embarrassing. How can one person find so much joy in a hobby and not pursue it. A simple cooking video she stumbles upon while scrolling is enough to bring her to gasping tears and what they call “ugly crying”. Gosh, she really is a mess. It’s all she can think about. And you may be wondering why she can’t just apply to a chef job and make her dreams come true or even just sell food on Facebook Marketplace. And the answer to that question would be her husband. Trust me, she did talk to him about the idea, and he hit her with the “your food is amazing honey, but the idea is unrealistic, and you know who's going to watch the kids and all”. So, this was all she had. Cooking for her kids in her messy kitchen with an apron that says, “World’s Best Cook Mom”.

“I want Mac and Cheese please”, Ana responded from the playroom.

Kathy shoulders slightly fall; wow mac and cheese again, what a great way to practice her cooking skills! Add a heavy dash of sarcasm to that. The Italians would be raging.

She grabs out the pasta shells and 4 different kinds of cheese. She throws the cheese in with some milk, butter, and heavy cream. She then mixes until it melts and adds the pasta until she has an amazing smelling mac and cheese. She then does the chef's fingers and sprinkles in an array of spices for flavor and some little steamed broccoli trees for nutrients.

After throwing it into a kid's bowl with a chunky spoon she yells over “Kids, lunch is ready!”

The kids topple into the kitchen, chasing after each other to see who can sit on the chair faster, making Kathy chuckle. They take a spoonful of the creamy noodles and “Mmm this is so yummy Mommy,” Angelo exclaims.

“Thank you, mommy,” Ana adds.

Pain and regret flutter through Kathy aching her soul. The compliments hurt her more than they should have. They act as constant reminders of regret.

“Of course, kiddos”, she responds, holding back every ounce of sadness to avoid breaking in front of her children. The pain of holding back stinging tears and your throat going dry, screaming to let the tears out is an overall wretched experience.

The next morning after Kathy prepared a basic breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast, it was time to say goodbye to Mark and take Ana and Angelo to school.

"Bye dear.” Kathy hugs Mark goodbye, taking in a scent of warm sandalwood and mint.

“Bye daddy!” The kids yell in unison running out the door.

“Bye. Have a good day”, he says to Kathy, pecking a kiss on her cheek before heading back to his office.

Oh, shoot school starts in 15 minutes, Kathy remembers. “Come on, kids, let’s go! Out the door, please, we cannot be late again”, they have been late for the past week and any more of those little paper slips with the word “LATE” slapped across in big letters occupying space in her recycling bin may just be the death of her.

“Please, please, please turn green”, Kathy repeats as if she feels that some sort of magic can bring her words to truth.

It becomes a chant within her kids as well, “GREEN! GREEN! GREEN!” they yell in unison, vibrating with excitement as if this has become a game.

The light shifts to green, and Kathy climbs a bit above the speed limit to drop off Ana and Angelo on time. Phew, she sighs with relief feeling like she finally got a win. At least one thing happened today that didn’t make her a failure.

“Bye kiddos, have a great day! Love you,” She gives each one a big hug and starts walking back to her car, noticing the gorgeous sun and cool breeze creating the perfect weather combination. Hmm, maybe I'll go in a run today, she thinks, then decides to be realistic, maybe a walk.

“Little Kayleigh got dropped off, and now I'm off to get an iced coffee!”, Kathy turns to see where the voice is coming from and notices Makayla, the influencer she follows on Instagram, trotting over to her car and filming herself on her iPhone.

Nails done, roots touched up, curled hair, and a cute active wear set. This girl was the epitome of Instagram and Erewhon. Kathy had seen a video of hers where she talked about her long-lasting dream of content creation, and she even shared a few videos of her younger self putting on toy makeup and hair glitter. Suddenly an impulsive thought came to mind, maybe she should go talk to her and ask how she is able to balance doing her dream job and being a mom of 3. Kathy is the embodiment of social anxiety, and fears started to emerge into her brain, weighing out to pros. What if she laughs? What if she thinks I’m stupid? No! Kathy snaps out of it.

She trudges on over to Makayla and before she's able to mentally prepare anything blurts “Hello! Hi um... my name is Kathy and my kids also - uh - go to this school. Sorry I just I-I've been following you and I really wanted to know how you’re able to balance out your dream job and being a mom. Like I have also wanted to be a professional cook, but my husband is totally against me working and believes I need to be with the kids at all times. Other than school I guess,” She turns a bright shade of red. How could I babble on for that long? She’s probably bored to death.

“Hey girl! I cannot believe this; we experienced like the same situation! So, I would say the importance is living a life that brings you a smile on your face when you pound that alarm in the morning”, she chuckles, “Cringey, I know, but you should never let anyone else get in the way of your life”, she continues, “I can help if you need! If you want to send me over some food and I’ll post a good old honest review!” She finishes, and Kathy feels an internal celebration with confetti and cake included because she just got “discovered”!

“Oh my gosh, are you serious? Thank you so much! Could I just have your number to settle a date and address?” She says, feeling like there could never be enough praise to get her point of gratefulness across.

“Of course! Always love to help a fellow mom.” they exchange numbers and Kathy spends the whole drive home mentally assorting different spices and ingredients together to ensure she makes the perfect dish for Makayla.

The moment she gets home, she texts Makayla:

Kathy: Does dropping off the food tomorrow at 11:00 am work?

The three dots appear on the screen and Makayla responds with:

Makayla: Sounds great!

All the house chores had to be abandoned, as this meal had to equate to perfection. Kathy’s hands started to tremble, and nerves started eating away at her. She recalled Makayla claiming her review would be honest; she had to think of an amazing meal that brings together a twist of flavors and spices to the tongue and warm and cozy to feed the soul.

Kathy set out a notebook and started “meal planning.” She set up a 5-course menu that included a refreshment, appetizer, main dish, side dish, and a sweet treat. Maybe lobster mac and cheese? No! Too basic. Ugh what about homemade pizza? That is so boring. She played this back and forward game; each idea came with the eraser decreasing in length and shreds everywhere. Nothing felt right. Being the type B person, she is, she decided planning was not for her. Thank God because it was getting hard to watch.

She decided to just roll with it. She took her keys and left the house, not so proudly avoiding confrontation from her husband. As much as the idea of her food leaving the comfort of her home overjoyed her, she knew that the idea would not sit right with her husband. She had to keep this as chill as she could and just say it was for her friend’s party if he asked.

Stepping foot into a grocery store as a cook is like a child stepping into a candy store. Well, technically speaking, the grocery store also sells candy, so it’s kind of a two in one package. Anyway, Kathy’s pulse was quickening, and she could not wait to admire each ingredient and the potential it provided. She flung through each and every aisle, listening to the ingredients. Do not question her. Finally, she finds the perfect ingredient and the moment she locks eyes with it, the recipe starts to write itself.

Everything is set out on the kitchen table. She has decided to prepare a homemade strawberry mint pie lemonade, dates filled with cottage cheese, sliced wagyu steak and creamy penne pasta coated with cheese, honey glazed carrots, and a strawberry shortcake. The kitchen smells like heaven. Kathy became someone else when she cooked, she became the woman she always dreamed of being. It always felt as if she was taking a step into a fantasy that could never become a reality.

She could not wait to deliver it tomorrow morning. She made extra steak and pasta for dinner and the smell of food in the kitchen was never foreign and should not lead to any suspicions from Mark as she was always experimenting with new flavors. It was so sad to see someone hide such a beautiful thing away from the person they loved most. How could someone be that blind and miss everything because of their own insecurities. Mark never saw the happiness that filled Kathy when cooking; he just ate good food. Actually, delectable food.

The sun climbed up and Kathy hopped out of bed, usually never a morning person. She tiptoed to the kitchen praying that she doesn’t wake up Mark, who usually sleeps until noon on the weekends. All that was left for now was to heat up the food and package it. After the food was warm and toasty and the refreshment freshly made, she put it into foil containers and hand-crafted a thank you note to once again show appreciation to Makayla for what she is doing for her. The nerves started to reappear as Kathy got strapped into her car at 10:45 a.m. A new cycle of thoughts swelled up in her brain. Calm down, there’s nothing you can change now. You tried your best and whatever happens will happen. Come on Kathy, you did not come all this way to back out.

She pulled into a gorgeous driveway. So that’s what content creation can get you. Why did it have to be a chef of all jobs? Ding dong. Kathy strongly debated leaving the food on the door and hiding but decided against that and wanted to give Makayla a proper hello.

The door clicks open, and Kathy’s heartbeat accelerates to an unholy number, “Hi girl! Please come in.” Makayla ushers Kathy inside.

“Oh, I must get back to the kids! Please enjoy the food.” Kathy says, quickly turning to escape back to her car.

“Thank you, girl!” Makayla yells out, closing the door.

Breathe in and breathe out. Breathe in and breathe out. Kathy repeats pulling down her seatbelt to a click. Instead of driving home, she takes a turn to the nearest coffee shop. She needed a break from all the stress clouding her head. Can you blame her? Her career or dream career is on the line here. After ordering her usual iced caramel shaken espresso, she takes a seat and waits until the video is uploaded. Impatience is a nasty thing. She decided that she will not get up and leave her spot until the video is released. Fifteen minutes become thirty and suddenly it’s 1 p.m., and Mark is texting.

Mark: Where are you, babe?

Kathy: I am just getting coffee with a friend, coming back soon.

It was partially the truth, but she needed what happened to stay under wraps until the video came out. And, who knew videos took this long to be uploaded. I guess we take them for granted, and ting.

Kathy picks up her phone and sees that she has been tagged in Makayla’s most recent video. “Trying Kathy’s Homecooked Food”, as she takes a bite of the first bite of the date Kathy’s heart plummets, anything could happen.

“This is by far the best thing I have ever tried,” Makayla raves on and-on-and Kathy suspects it’s just an influencer’s ability to make anything sound good. But soon the DMs start rolling in, people from different states requesting dishes. Kathy cannot believe her eyes. Slowly, her confidence begins to peek out. Her vision becomes blurry. It's happening, it’s really happening. Joy cannot even begin to describe how she feels. Her shoulders feel immediately relieved and she starts bawling in the middle of a coffee shop. A big smile starts to involuntarily spread on her face, and she runs out of the shop. Ding. Ding. Ding. More DMs brighten her phone up and with each message she feels like she could fly through the roof.

As she enters the house with newfound confidence, Mark shows her the video. “Why would you go behind my back and try to sell your food when I deliberately said no?” he questions,

“Because Mark, to live a life avoiding a dream is the equivalent of living a life void of a happy ending.”